A Major Problem with My 13 Year Old Daughter!!??

1) lawyer
2) lawyer
3) lawyer
4) doctor for advice
5) lawyer
6) therapist
7) lawyer
8) family mediation, not through the court, but private practice
9) doctor to give everyone involved a quick lesson in how to treat one's body
10) help from professional people you see face to face rather than just the folks who might answer your question posted here

Please go. This sounds complicated, AND this has the potential to become bigger than it is and would have long lasting consequences. I wish you the very best.

I am rather confused because this isn't how these things normally play out but perhaps my state is different.

My ex was hotlined multiple times and the only way I could modify custody would be to petition the court so why are you allowing your ex to modify on his own? If he doesn't give them to you he is in contempt of court.

Is there more to this story you aren't telling us?

What to tell your youngest- keep it vague.

"There are some things going on between the adults right now that we need to work out. When we figure it out, we'll be able to spend time together the way we used to."

As for the relationship with your oldest daughter, it may be time to step back from her for a while. I have no idea why she would say or do something like this unless she really felt as though you hurt her intentionally. Your intention is irrelevant to her if your child felt violated in any way. My guess is that your relationship with your eldest was shaky to begin with and this has put a real wall between the two of you.

Let her know (with another adult present) that you are hurt by the situation (do not put the blame on her, but on the situation) and that when she is ready to spend time with you, you will happily welcome her. Until then, though, you will respect her and not force her to interact.

Although the therapist(s) want to involve you only when necessary, wouldn't your youngest daughter's questioning you be deemed necesssary? I would ask that you have a meeting w/you daughters, your x-husband & his girlfriend so everything can be put out there and that it all be put out there in the same light together. This way when your youngest is w/her dad & g/f she doesn't get some other version of things. Best of luck to you.

Your daughters' therapist is right in focusing on your daughter/s. After all, she is THEIR therapist and not yours. She is THEIR advocate and she's supposed to have their best interests. If you have custody and legal rights per the courts at all, then you should be able to request having some sessions that address helping repair your relationships with your daughters. You should also be able to meet with the therapist one on one and get advice on how to repair the relationships. If she won't meet with you, then meet with your own therapist.

Next, what stands out with me is that what you did to your daughter was punitive and reactive. "You hurt me so I'm going to do it to you so that you know what it feels like." Except you did it while shocked and angry and you did it to an area of her body that A.) is private and B.) you already know she's hyper-sensitive about. It doesn't matter that she touched you there inappropriately and painfully first... you're the mom. She's the child with poor impulse control.

I totally get it that you reacted in the moment and I can't honestly say what I would have done. I probably would have slapped some hands away rather than done the same action back. I would have been shocked if one of my daughters did the same thing. I do know that there would have been some yelling followed by a discussion about personal space and reinforcing boundaries.

I do think that since your daughter's feelings were so hurt, she did the right thing in telling her father. Don't we raise our children to tell an adult they trust if ANYONE touches them inappropriately and that no matter what that child has done they don't deserve to be touched on their privates by ANYONE? Don't we tell them that if someone hurts them they're to tell? That there's nothing they can do to justify an adult saying that they were instigated into it by the child? So your daughter did the right thing.

And since her father wasn't there to witness it, but had your daughter's "what happened" which did happen, he was correct in reporting it. He was protecting his child. CPS is doing their job in investigating. But you can't really say that your daughter blew it out of proportion... that's what CPS is for and let's face it... your daughter is upset. This has harmed your relationship with her.

Your daughter wants to feel safe with you. She probably wants an apology. She wants to know she won't be physically hurt with you EVEN IF she hurts you first. And so that means earning her trust back per CPS and the court. If CPS rules that it was a misunderstanding, then GREAT. Your daughters' father will have to go back to the original custody agreement and if he doesn't then report it to the court.

Your oldest is at an age that kids often change their relationships with their parents due to a little change in life. Maybe she is embarrassed or ashamed that she called CPS on you.

At the same time...you had visitation at your home and now you have to meet in public to visit your children and the case is being closed? Did it go to the point that your husband is taking baby steps to let you visit them? I am confused. It sounds like you have not exercised your right to visitation, even if it is by appointment at child haven. If that is the case, you have to do whatever it takes to visit your children so you don't lose those rights. Perhaps that is why your daughter is backing away from you.

It sounds like a big mess, but the key thing is that you stay in contact with your children and keep log of it (for the courts) and then perhaps your daughter won't feel as if she has been abandoned.

Seek legal advice & protection.

Wow Mama this sounds like a nightmare! How awful for both you and your daughter. I would make an appointment ASAP with a counselor to sort this out and get support. This is too big and complicated to work through without a professional who can give you some direction, Blessings!

So your ex has custody of both your girls, am I reading that right?

It sounds like a "perfect storm" -- a girl who is at a tough age, who decides to rat out mom to get back at mom over something, anything, without realizing the very real trouble mom could get into. Combine that with a stepmother who may be saying negative things about mom. Add in the fact that dad and stepmom have custody so that mom spends little time with her daughters, which makes bonding and discussing tough things (like this specific "twisting" situation) very difficult.

You need, first, official mediation. What are the conditions of your court settlement with your ex? How can he be "lettiing" you see your own children, as if it's totally in his control?? If there is a formal, written court order saying when, where and for how long you see your kids -- he MUST follow it or he is in contempt of court; if he is not following it, get a lawyer (don't go it alone) and make him follow it. DO you have a formal, written custody and visitation agreement? If you do not -- you need one yesterday. That's why you need a good lawyer if you don't have one already. If your ex and you have some informal arrangement, you need to stop that and get a third party--a judge -- to formalize your visitation rights with your girls. If you do not have a legal, written, binding arrangement, your ex could just cut you off entirely. So-- first, you need a formal arrangement where you have set time with your kids.

You also need to have a mediation session, or more than one, with a court-appointed mediator or a family counselor designated by the court. This is NOT for the kids! This is for you and your ex and (possibly) the girlfriend, though if she is not his wife the court may not let her be there. You and he need to work out an arrangement where neither side bad-mouths the other. This is actually in writing in some divorce agreements -- statements that one parent cannot talk negatively about the other. You must bring up the issue of how it needs to apply to girlfriend as well. It may not stop her, if she is indeed bad-mouthing you, but it will be in writing with a court and that gives you more power to deal with it.

I question why your girls do not stay with you at any point during the month. I won't ask why, but if there are specific reasons for that (other than dad just controlling everything, which has to end -- see "get a lawyer" above!), you need to deal with those reasons. You will be unable to forge any relationship with your children otherwise.

I also suggest you, alone, get counseling. It might help you to understand yourself and your relationships to the girls better. Counseling could give you good ideas, that you might not come up with alone, on how to talk to and relate to your children when you do see them, and how to counteract whatever the girlfriend may be saying. You also can explore why your reaction to your daughter's "titty twist" was to do the same to her--ask yourself (with a counselor or therapist) if you tend to react on impulse in other ways at other times. Learning not to do that could help you.

There is probably a lot more to your situation that you can't tell us but these are just some ideas based solely on what's in the post. I would get formal visitation arrangements in place with a court first thing, if that is not already done, and then I'd get myself to a counselor or therapist as fast as I could to see what I could do about my relationships with the girls

Couple of things just aren't ringing true to me. I can't picture just spontaneously reacting in that way without thinking. I understand people do react without thinking, but that is a very odd reaction to something so completely inappropriate. I have never -- as a child or as an adult -- touched another woman's breast to give a "titty twister" -- only as a joke to my husband. I also can't imagine that this one incident would destroy an otherwise healthy relationship with your older daughter. There's more going on here than you are say or even than you know. It's time to get honest with yourself - the relationship couldn't have been that healthy in the first place or you are being severely trash talked about by your ex. Either way, no one on here will know -- you need to talk with your children.

If you are divorced and have a parenting plan (visitation for both parents) in place, then your ex should not be able to change this on his own. Say for example you have the girls every other weekend according to the court order, he cannot just decide to keep them from you and only allow you to see them for an hour at a time. IF he is doing this, simple call the cops, show them your court order that says you have them that weekend and tell them your ex is breaking this order. They will IMMEDIATELY call him and he will HAVE to bring the girls to you. If he wants to pursue the issue with CPS to imply you should have less time, he would need to file a modification of the parenting plan with the court. Hope this helps along with the other advice you've gotten. Good luck.

Wow - this all is awful. You have to do anything / everything you can to rebuild your relationship with your daughter. I have never even heard of a titty-twister (sounds like a femal version of a purple nurple) but I have to wonder where they got that from - the step sisters?, school friends? Is your ex and his girlfriend making a case about the step sisters? or is it just you? And unless I don't understand something, even if CPS gets involved, isn't child visitation and custody ordained by the courts? how can you ex be allowed to keep your daughter from you?

All that aside, you need to tell your daughter you understand and will respect her personal boundaries. It is healthy for kids to set their own boundaries. She should lead in this area and you need to respect her and make it clear to her. This is a time when an apology should be made by you - not that you did anything wrong intentionally in the first instance, and that in the titty twister instance that you made a bad judgement. Say something liek this - "I love you so much and I don't want anything to come between us. i was wrong when I returned the "titty twister" it was a moment of poor judgement and I hope you can forgive me. I also never intended to make you uncomfortable when I accidentally touched your breast a few months ago. I would never try to make you feel uncomfortabale. You get to set the boundaries for your own body. I think that's a good thing, and I really respect you for doing that. I will honor that and as much as I always want to throw my arms around you like I used to do when you were a little girl I realize that you're becoming a young woman now and I won't. Of course, you can always hug me if you want to."

I do think your ex is making this into a bigger deal than he should but look deep in to your self and consider is there anything else that he could be adding on to, that would make it bigger in his mind. (you know, when taken separately it's not a big deal, but since she also did such-and-such last year....) Was there an old history of alchohol or drugs? Is you ex concerned about the impact of your step-kids and whatever their mom is like and the influence on your girls? It's such a big picture to take in that stretches to your ex-husabnd's girlfriend and her family to the ex-wife of your current husband and her family and the influence they ahve thru the step daughters. If you've soul-searched and find that your ex may have reason for concern you need to address that with him - when you daughter is not around.

As for your daughter - tell her that you want to restore and rebuild your relationship since she and her sister are the most important things to you. ask her how you can do that - what can you do to rebuild that? Be willing to humble yourself as long as you don't admit to things you didn't do and as long as your daughter doesn't take advantabe. Don't become a doormat though. Suggest that you go somewhere where you get to drive for a little while, I find that sitting in a car facing away from eachother allows for good converstaion and doesn't feel forced. Is there a theater, amusement park, zoo, shopping mall you two can go to together? Tell you daughter that you will always, always love her, be there for her, never give up on her, that you'll outlast her, etc.

The only last thing I'd say is be sure that daughter isn't uncomfortable with your husband, her step father. While it's completely natural for a child to feel comfortable around her natural father in a healthy relationship, she never feels that same comfort around another grown man who is not her father. Particulary if she's 13 and growing boobies. Likewise, there's no natural connection and fatherly emotion from your husband to his step-daughter. I am not saying that your husband has done anything out -of- bounds. However, statistically, when girls are abused it is often done by an unrelated man living in their home such as a boarder or step-father or boyfriend of the mom. Keep in mind that most stepfathers never touch their step-daughters or even look at them inappropriately. But when a girl is the victim of inappropriate touching, etc it's not uncommon to be a man who lives in her home who is not her father. And assuming you husband never even looked at her sideways, she may still feel really awkward living in a house with an unrelated man. Also - there does exist the slight possibility that your husband may have touched her, or looked at her, or gotten too close. A healthy man will have a tough time looking away from a devleoped teenage girl in her pajamas.

Be sure to mentally explore all options and cross them off the list as you rebuild with your daughter. Don't be prideful and lose opportunites. If she's ready to go for pizza at 9:00 on a friday night go pick her up and drive to a pizza place at the mall. If she wants a manicure and you're uncomfortable in a nail salon, take a giant step and go with her.

As for your younger daughter, explain to her that there were some misunderstanding and that their dad is trying to protect them. Explain that sometimes people make mistakes, but that their dad is doing his job even if he has misunderstood that there's really no danger to protect her sister from. Explain that this won't last forever and that it will go back to normal one day soon.

Good luck mama. Patience, pray for patience and then use it on your daughter - your relationship will get better as long as you keep at it and try not to make it more dramatic than it already is. Keep it cool and keep going.

Wow, I am sorry. My kids and I do titty twister to each other often, and yes even the girls. If they're brave enough to do it to me...well you bet mom is going to get them back :)

I agree with Kindred Spirit on this though. You need a lawyer, and family counseling, even if it means you have to take 3 jobs and pay for it yourself.