Would You Tell the Mother?

What makes you think the mother doesn't know? I mean, that's highly presumptive of you.

I would assume mom *does* know and just doesn't feel a need to bring it up socially. She probably feels that it's her daughter's place to decide who she shares the information with and if she shares it. It's no more or less 'worrisome' than a teen girl declaring a crush on a boy, really.

No, the mother probably already knows. Middle schoolers often share information like this. It's not a big deal, and there is no need to tell her mother.

Do not out this kid. She may have very good reasons for not telling her mother, assuming that her mother doesn't already know.
Let the kid decide when or if to tell her mother.

Look at this from the perspective of the girl. Would you want your friends mom spreading gossip like this? Probably not. I'm gay and I would have been mortified if someone had shared this information with my parents at this age before I was ready. Dealing with your sexuality is hard enough when you're a teen and unless you ask for help, sometimes the best thing you can do is just stay out of things unless asked for help.

Why would you tell anyone? It's up to the daughter to decide when/if she shares this info, and with whom. Why would you assume that the mother doesn't know? It sounds like you're assuming that a) the girl hasn't told her parents (not just her mother, assuming there's a 2nd parent around), and b) that the parents aren't monitoring her Instagram account. Those are huge assumptions.

Let me ask you this. If the girl was sharing something on Instagram that she had a crush on a boy, would you decide to tell the parents? If your daughter said on social media that she had a crush on a boy, would you expect the neighbors to call you? If not, ask yourself why this is different. If you think there's a difference, then my guess is that you are quite a bit less comfortable with LGBT issues/relationships than you say. The "LGBT community" is YOUR community.

Finally, if I were you, I'd be working with my own daughter to discuss issues of sexuality, as well as the peer pressure that occurs. Too many kids are getting forced into sex and they are ill prepared to say no, let alone ill prepared with contraception or info on STDs. This is the age where kids start talking about it, and doing it - obviously. And I'd be learning as much as I can to help my daughter be a proper advocate for LGBTQ people and reduce the bullying and assaults that occur just because some people are uncomfortable with another's sexuality. LGBTQ kids need an accepting community, and that's more than your kid or other kids talking among themselves about who is gay (ask them why they care or why they think it's a topic of discussion/gossip). It's more than them saying "I have nothing against gay people" - they need acceptance and allies and people willing to stand up.

Stay out of it other than to have a serious sit-down with your daughter about gossip, social media, and the strong risk to gays because people think it's weird or wrong or dangerous or whatever.

Nope. It's none of your business, and presumes that her own family doesn't already know. Perhaps they do, perhaps they don't. If she wants them to know, that's her business. If she doesn't, also her business. She's not doing anything dangerous or harmful to herself or others so therefore, there is no need to inform her parents.

No, it is not your business.

If you choose to discuss it with others, then you are the one spreading gossip.

Keep your mouth shut, tend to your own family and don't be a party to idle gossip which can hurt many people. Do you really want word to get back that you are the one spreading gossip?

I for one can't stand when neighbors just feel they ought to tell me this and that about my kids. I have never appreciated it.

If it was from a kind friend and we were close and it was something harmful (this is not) I might feel differently.

ETA: read your SWH. Just have to say, find it insulting to career oriented parents that you said you could see why they would not know the details of their kids' lives.

Nope. She needs to tell her mom - NOT YOU. You butt out.

You can tell the girl that you are there for her if she needs someone to be there when she tells her mom. Otherwise - it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS...

Why on earth do you think it is your place to tell the mom? I agree with others, the mom may know but doesn't feel like sharing it with you.

No, you should not tell. This is that girls' private information to tell her mom herself when she is ready. It's really no one else's business. I am guessing her parents already know. Even if they don't it is not your business to tell them. If I were the mom I would want my daughter to tell me herself when she feels comfortable to do so.

Why do you assume the mom doesn't know already? Obviously the girl seems comfortable sharing on social media. I'd be more inclined to assume she's open about it with her own family as well. I would do absolutely nothing with the information. I wouldn't talk to the mom, I wouldn't talk to other neighbors, etc. If the mom brings it up with you at some point, then, of course, you can talk to her about it. But mostly, it's a non-issue and the info isn't yours to do anything with.

I see this as a reflection of your own attitude - you would not want people to know if your child were gay. Some others don't mind so I say mind your own business.

No, it is her personal info to tell and on her terms to the people she chooses.

It's not your place to tell.

For what it is worth, I know some of my daughter's friends are gay and haven't told their parents yet.

Seriously, mind your own business!

I'm sorry, but what century is this? Nobody cares which sex a person finds attractive at any given point in their post-pubescent life. How does this change how you'd feel about a person anymore than whether they preferred blue over yellow?

But then I'm from NYS, so....oh, nevermind, oops.

;)

Definitely a none-of-your-business situation.

ETA: If you want to do something, you might discuss with your child that it's not nice to gossip. I could be wrong about the circumstances, but a group of girls talking about the love interest of another girl in her absence sounds like gossip to me.

I definitely see that you are coming from a kind place here, so I applaud you for looking out for this girl, that's sweet. I love Megan's point- this girl may be just sticking her neck out a little and starting to put this out there, seeing the reaction before she fully comes out-or not. If that's the case, outing her to her parents would be awful if she is trying to do it in her own time. That makes sense to me.

I think if it takes a turn and the girl starts showing risky behavior or is being bullied, then maybe tipping mom off (not even mentioning gay stuff, just that she is being picked on or doing something dangerous) is appropriate. But it sounds like things aren't at that point right now. Good for you for knowing what's going on in your kid's life and the lives of those around her.

Her mother may already know.

No. You don't tell her mother. Because although you know how YOU would respond, there are PLENTY of kids out there who are kicked out or abused when they tell their parents. http://www.nationalhomeless.org/factsheets/lgbtq.html

She will tell her mom when she is ready. Hopefully they will show her love when she does.

I concur with the moms that said stay out of it. I recall making a statement when I was in junior high about someone and the vice principal cornered me and went off on me. To this day I don't know what was changed and said but I learned a lesson. He wouldn't even state what was said in the comment and I had no recourse to defend what was said in the beginning. Don't speak out loud what you think or feel as it could come back to haunt you.
Once words leave your lips you have no control as to how they are received or how it was changed.

Smile and nod and keep on going. The family will survive and you will not be the center of an ugly controversy that was not necessary and the loss of a neighborhood friendship or two.

the other S.

PS We don't know what goes on behind closed doors that are not our own.

You keep your mouth shut. How do you know she doesn't already know?

If you are having coffee with her and you see one of her posts pop up? Show it to her. Otherwise? you keep your mouth shut. It's not your news to tell.

I agree you're not just being nosy. My thought is it can be different than people knowing about a heterosexual crush. Maybe this school is behind the times and other kids will bully or tease her for this. I think that's not so common anymore but I understand your concern. Probably best to not say anything though unless she does appear to start engaging in risky behavior. I'm sure her parents aren't the types to disown her or you'd have mentioned that. Funny how people worry her parents will kick her out but don't worry some other kids might be mean instead.

I think you could pretty much remove almost all the words from your post except for these: "sharing", "Instagram" and "13".

Sharing posts on Instagram at age 13, regardless of the subject matter (and it could be as innocent as, say, bird-watching, or vegetarian recipes) can lead to problems. Sharing posts can open up a 2 way street that a 13 year old is unequipped to handle.

I wouldn't say anything about any subject matter, or what the posts are about, but I might consider telling the mom something like "oh, and if your daughter should ever be upset because my daughter doesn't respond to her Instagram posts, it's not meant to offend. I just wanted you to know that we don't allow our daughter to access Instagram." And then I'd be good and sure that your daughter doesn't have Instagram access, especially if she's the 12 year old. The age limit is 13, but parents should monitor all social media activity closely while their teens are young.

If the mom asks what the posts are about, or doesn't seem to know what Instagram is, or seems concerned, and asks for advice, you might show her Instagram or tell her how it works and how dangerous social media can be. If the mom knows about Instagram, and has decided to give her child freedom on social media, then that's her decision, and that's that.

If the other girl is a nice friend, just tell your daughter that her friend's loyalty, generosity, fun spirit, love of cats, whatever, is what matters. And if the girl tells your daughter personally that she is gay, your daughter should still focus on whether the girl is a good friend, a good influence, and just continue to demonstrate the same good qualities to that girl.

Maybe she is and maybe she isn't.
At that age I had no idea and although some people might know that young - I have my doubts.
I do think it's bound to be quite an attention getting topic though if/when her parents get a clue what she's up to online - and even then, they might already know and tell her "That's nice Dear".
Just leave it alone and see what else she does to get attention over the next few years.
Rainbow hair colors - piercings - tattoos - etc.
She can try a lot to be different - just like everybody else.

I would assume the mother knows and doesn't want to talk about it. Anymore than she would come sit at your table and talk about her daughter's boy crush if she had one. But that's just my guess...you know her, not me.

If people were teasing the girl, then I absolutely would say something. State Troopers were just at my neighbors house on Friday because of a similar issue. It's not a joke. But as long as the comments aren't negative, I would leave it alone.

Her sexuality is her business, you should not be discussing it and neither should your daughter. She will come out to her mother when she is ready. You don't know her situation, many young LGBT youths end up on the streets when their conservative parents are unable to accept them. Leave the situation alone.

For all you know, the other mother already knows.
This isn't your business or concern, so I'd suggest not saying anything.

So....she knows she's gay and all of her friends know she's gay but you think her mom doesn't know she's gay?

I would not tell. She can tell her parents when she is ready. You can let the girl know she can talk to you if she needs an adult to talk to and she (for whatever reason) can't talk to her parents.

how do you know the mother doesn't know? It's not really something I would think to share as a mother with my friends. Hey! Did you know my son is heterosexual!? Or hey did you know my daughter is a lesbian? Just not something I really talk about, ya know. My kid's sexuality. I have a feeling the mother already knows

Knowing me and knowing that I'd want to know so that I wouldn't be shocked or surprised with a mom came knocking at my door I would find a way to drop it into casual conversation.

"How are you guys dealing with XXX professing she's gay?" Implying that you'd like to know how they're making it, how they're dealing with knowing their daughter is embarking on a path that will bring her torment and pain. That she'll be belittled and looked down on by millions of people that feel "gay" is a nasty thing, that she'll be discriminated against, etc...not like "Hey, your kid is gay!! Ha!"

Make it sound very empathetic and caring. Then if she knows she will feel like she can open to you and if she's shocked she can claim it's not true. Then you have the opportunity to show her the posts, who the love interest is, etc...

The girl could be going through a phase and she could also be completely 100% discovering her true self. Two of my college roommates were gay guys, they struggled most of their youth and after failed relationships with women they finally couldn't take it anymore and came out. One of them has kept it from his family for the most part. They suspect but since he doesn't bring anyone home with him to visit they don't know for sure. Two of my dearest friends are lesbian women who are in deeply committed relationships or marriages with a couple of wonderful women. One pair they are both very feminine women. One pair there is one that is definitely masculine, both appearance and personality. They are the most well adjusted women and have the most welcoming hearts of anyone I know.