College Attending Teen-aged Son

Since you are new to the site, we will be treading lightly in answering you.

But if this is a serious question...
If your son is straight or gay, does it really matter?

What is it you really want to know? Probably is he happy? Is he interested in anyone? Is he going to share the information with you?

Figure out what it really is you want to know. Then ask him, but let him know you are aware that he is a private person, but if he ever wants to share with you, you are available.. Also ask him if it is ok for you to inquire in the future.

Our daughter has always been a private person. She is an observer. She takes her time and is very careful about what she shares. So we have always acknowledged this with her, but also told her if she ever wants to share, we promise to keep her confidence if she asks us to.

As our children become adults, we must honor and respect their privacy and wishes. But as parents we never stop worrying. Nothing wrong with communicating this with our children, no matter how old they are.

I have always been pretty approachable with my children I think.

From birth through puberty there has always been open dialogue regarding sexuality.

They all seem happy!

BUT...once they leave home, I wait for them to share with me. They are adults, and when/if they are ready, I am sure they will share.

I hope I have laid a groundwork that they KNOW without a doubt that I will be happy for them...ya know?

Best

Why does he have to have a romantic relationship anyway?

Leave it alone. It's HIS life.

Focus on other aspects of his life.

I agree with AK mom. Just because he had counseling after the molestation doesn't mean it resolved the issue. Sometimes adulthood and maturity bring up issues that could not be addressed previously.

And as Doris Day said, check in with the PFLAG and research how to prepare yourself and family should he decide to open up to you.

Please let this be his journey, whatever the outcome.

If you are close, you should be able to broach the conversation. If he's not gay, it will be easy. If he is, then it's probably time for him to stop having to hide it.

I have a gay son, and nothing about him seemed 'typically' gay, so I was surprised when he told me he was.

I agree with Mindy that if he is gay, continually asking him what "girls" he is dating is making it more difficult for him. But I think you can ask; just let him know when you ask that it's fine with you whatever he is. I disagree that you shouldn't ask -- it's a relief for them when they no longer have to hide it.

Just ask him.

I don't think you need to talk to him about relationships at all. That is none of your business.

However, as a concerned parent, you could tell him that he seems melancholy, and ask if everything is ok. And you could suggest that if he thinks he may be depressed, you would support him in going to a therapist to get screened, and get help for that if he needs it.

There has GOT to be something else to talk to him about other than his dating/romantic life! Hobbies, classes, work, exercise, pets...you get the picture? You can be a very important part of his life without worrying about his love life! He might begin freeing himself to figure it out once he doesn't have your expectations weighing him down. If your son's future doesn't end up looking exactly as you have it planned, it can be a heartbreaking slap in the face. But you have to remember, it is HIS life. Your plans, dreams and hopes for him are yours, not his. Just bond with him and let him feel unconditionally loved and accepted and you will both grow. And none of this is saying he isn't going to find the perfect girl and fall in love. Sometimes, it just takes time. Patience and calm is what is needed, he is only 19. Good luck!

I didn't date in high school, and though I "dated" a bit in college, I didn't have my first real kiss until I was 21. So, if my mom had asked me when I was 19 what was wrong with me and why didn't I like boys, I probably would have burst into tears and said, "I don't know. What's wrong with me? Why don't boys like me? Why do other girls get to have boyfriends but not me?"

Not everyone finds dating to be easy! Not everyone is popular in that way. My husband was incredibly popular in high school, but he didn't know it and didn't date much. I think looking back he realizes he could have, but he lacked confidence.

If your son had not been molested, I would have said, "Wow, back off! He'll date when the right person comes along. Why are you pushing him?"

Since he was molested, wow!!! Seriously back off!!! He needs to figure things out for himself. Just ask him how he's doing, ask about his classes and friends and sports and give him some space. He'll figure things out in his own way and in his own time.

He's at that age where he's working on becoming his own person. I suggest you tell him you love him and that you don't care what he does with his life and if he ever wants to talk just let you know and you'll be there day or night, 24/7, 365. That should let him know you'll accept whomever he turns out to be. Both young men need this.

Leave it alone.
He needs to figure this out on his own (might take years/decades) and then tell you the conclusion he has reached (or not).
I don't think my sexuality is any of my parents business anymore than I think their sexuality is any of my business.
How do you know he doesn't talk about girls?
I don't expect our son to be telling me "Mom! I think this babe is hot!".
That's not a conversation a guy has with his Mom.
Back off, get a hobby and let your kids know you'll always love them no matter what.
That's all you need to do.

It's quite possible that he's grappling with his sexuality, or is aware of his sexuality. Mom, I am the parent of a 19 year old who is a member of the LGBTQ community. As long as you keep talking to your son about what GIRLS he is dating, he isn't going to feel comfortable coming out to you.

But also, college students don't do much talking about relationships and such with their parents. College students are more known for hooking up, friends with benefits than dating and relationships.

Many young adults don't discuss casual dates with their parents. When one of my nephews was in his mid to late 20's, my sister thought he never dated. This was not true. He dated a lot. But he did not have a girlfriend and there was no need to tell his mother or anyone anytime he went on a date or two with somebody.

Your son is a young adult. You should not quiz him about his sexuality or dating or relationships. Maybe if you don't make an issue of it, and don't make it seem like you need or expect him to have girlfriends, he will at some point open up to you if indeed he is gay.

I think that rather than worrying about his sexual orientation, you should instead worry about his ability to have a meaningful relationship with anyone. The thing is, at this age, you cannot require him to have counseling.

Can you sit down and talk to him about friendships and relationships in general? Do you have it in your heart to tell him that you only care about him being able to form lasting relationships with loving and caring people because of what happened when he was younger? That you don't care whether they are men or women?

I know it might be really hard for you, but I think that if your son knew you would be accepting of either scenario, he might be more willing to talk to a counselor.

I highly recommend that you talk to someone at PFLAG. They can give you some advice. Please don't talk to people who tell you that they can "pray" this away. All you will do is hurt your son.

My daughter while in high school was friends with a very intelligent boy. He wasn't interested in girls in a romantic way. He focused on his studies.

He didn't know how to break into a group or make friends. My daughter included him in activities when he wanted to be included. In a short time he was a member of her group.

I drove my daughter and him to movies and to visit. He was obviously an introvert. He made friends mostly with girls because they didn't expect him to be different than he already was. They were alright with his serious ways. When they were with me they talked about academic things, sharing what each tthought.

I urge you to stop worrying about his sexual idenity. I wonder how you would feel if he were gay. How would you react and what would you do?

I didn't date until my late 20's. I learned that we don't all get interested in a sexual way at the same age. I was a late bloomer.Once I was interested I dated. If my mom kept pushing me to date, I would've felt even more insecure. You need to stop with the speculation. Stop pushing him to do what he isn't ready to do.

What does it matter if someone thinks he's gay. As a police officer with a female roommate some did think I was a lesbian. A couple of fellow officers set out to find out. We laughed about it. Latet we did have a lesbian officer. If macho men can accept a lesbian women, surely you can accept the possibility he is so that you can stop worrying.

Show your love by being interested in the things he's interested in. Show him you're proud of who he is.

Sure, he could be gay or could be unsure about his sexuality.
He could also just be very depressed.
Very VERY common in teens--wmsoecially surprising when a kid has so much going for him/her, as you describe.
I just read an article (obit actually) about a boy very much as you describe but he was fighting an addiction.
Do you think he might need/want/benefit from more counseling?
Maybe start a conversation asking him about his happiness...tell him you noticed he seems less than happy lately, ask if you can do anything to help, ask him if he'd like to talk with someone?

I will be curious to see what answers you get to this as well. Our 17 yr old son has never had a "girlfriend". He is super cute (not just saying that cause I am his mom - he really is), great athlete, popular, etc. We don't know if he was "abused" (either physically or sexually) because we adopted him from an orphanage when he was 7 and he says no (other than the orphanage kids fighting with each other), but I guess we will never be sure on that. We have come right out and asked him if he prefers boys to girls - not that we care, just simply curious at this point, he says no, but we wonder if he thinks his friends will treat him differently (he knows we will not) if he does like boys.

The only thing I can say is simply asking him right out like we did. Hopefully other moms can add better suggestions. We asked right now, and still not sure if we got the "answer." The biggest thing is letting your kiddo know you love him no matter WHO he loves :)

Good luck!