5 Year Old Son Says He Is Never Getting Married Because He Likes Boys.

My 5 -year-old daughter is adamant that she likes girls and not boys. But I don't think this has anything to do with sexuality. For my daughter, this is about this age group identifying with and preferring the same sex as playmates and friends. I didn't worry when she wanted to marry me, or her father, nor do I think she is gay because she identifies with other little girls. I wouldn't consider this a done deal.

Five year olds don't have a sexual identity. I think you handled it fine and can just let the topic drop for now.

My son is almost 13 and still thinks girls are gross. He's not gay, he's just not interested. When he was 4, he and his male preschool friend had a plan that they would grow up and live together for always. It was just because they were that close of friends and thought it would be awesome, not because of a grownup concept of sexual relationships.

i wouldn't make a big deal about it at all.
i totally understand why you want to handle it carefully, and love how accepting you are of him no matter what.
but even working with him a lot on how to respond to others is going to make it a Big Thing in his head. and it ain't no Big Thing at 5.
just say 'okay' and then be tuned in on the off chance that he wants to continue the discussion.
probably all he's saying is that girls are icky and he'd rather hang out with boys. a lot of 5 year olds are moving into the phase where the opposite sex is icky.
ETA that being said, discussing it now won't 'give him no choice but to be gay' as another poster suggested. he'll be gay or he won't. but getting into in-depth speeches about how accepting you are of him won't do anything but cause confusion right now.
khairete
S.

He's five, right? Five. Of course he doesn't like girls, they're gross and have cooties. Boys are fun and cool. I wouldn't read into this at all, and no I don't agree that at 5 it's more than just a phase. Heck when my little boys were younger they decided that they were going to marry each other so that they could live together, which was a step up from marrying me LOL. When my youngest was 4, he thought it would be a great plan if we could move into an apartment building so his friend Julia could live across the hall and some other girl he liked could live next door and when the grew up he could marry both of them. Little kids have all sorts of whimsical ideas about love and marriage and families. It doesn't mean that they're revealing anything about their actual futures.

Although many parents of gay children will say that they knew their kids were gay when they were little, there are also others who suspected the idea or are at least open to it only to find that their children are straight. At his age, you certainly can't know and really, neither can he. I think you're reading too much into this. Just continue to show him that you are open minded - not necessarily to support him per se, but because that's the decent way to treat and think of all people.

When I was five years old, I decided I'd marry my cat. I didn't understand sex, sexual attraction, or sexual orientation yet. I didn't have crushes or an interest in the opposite sex (which remained true until I was 12 or so).

Some kids are quicker on the uptake though. I know a lot of folks who knew they were gay/strait when they were five years old, and their parents suspected it as well. My five year old has had a few crushes already, and it's clear that that is what she is experiencing. She actually gets weak in the knees when she talks about her crush.

Me? I don't think talking about who you love and marry needs to be private. My nearly six year old often discusses her plans to marry a boy. That doesn't raise any eyebrows. My little one says she's going to get married to a girl. I'm not sure if she's gay or not, but if she is, it doesn't need to hushed or hidden. She'll need to be supported and loved, and she'll need to learn to be confident and strong in herself, both within our home and out.

Granted, I live in a very liberal town in the PNW, and it's safer to be out than it is in many places. I might feel differently if I was in a different area. It breaks my heart that our gay children must face hatred and discrimination even as they are in kindergarten. What a tragedy. It's just so wrong.

Anyway, my suggestion would be to not make much of a deal out of it. Talk about how different families look different, and how some folks marry boys and some folks marry girls. Talk about how love is important and beautiful. I'd suggest that's enough for right now. :-)

I think making sure he feels supported and loved by you no matter what is key and important, you did that so Bravo. Keep sending him those signals. I think the only thing to change is to shift focus away from "don't tell anyone" which may make him feel shame or lonely in his worries. Better instead to say "Kiddo you're only 5, you don't need to focus on who you are going to love or Marry when you grow up! Your job is to be a kid and that stuff is for later!" It absolutely could be a phase, my son wanted to marry his best friend Owen, then stopped thinking about girls at all until this year in 4th grade. Now he's starting to get crushes. It's ok no matter which way it goes, tell him it's ok not to concern himself for now.

I wouldn't make a big deal about it. He's five. Girls are icky when your a five year old boy. My son didn't want to marry a girl when he was five either.

My son used to say that he wanted to marry his best friend (also a boy). Now he says he wants to marry his sister. I know lots of kids that age who say they want to marry their parents. I don't think many small children understand what is really involved in marriage, and I would be surprised if any of your child's classmates "bashed" him as a result of him saying something like that. He might be lightly teased, but that could just as easily also be the case if he said he wanted to marry a certain girl.

I say continue to show him that you will love and support him no matter what, but I personally don't think you need to emphasize the need for him to keep something like this private.

Just let him know.. he is going to like a lot of different people and that is great. So just give it time..

I used to say I was going to marry Donny Osmond.. But he could only Marry a Mormon. I was Catholic. My mother explained this all to me..

Ended up marrying an Episcopalian.. after dating a lot of Baptists.

You get the drift..

M., this is a sweeping generalization, but it's been my experience that 5 yos do not quite grasp the concept of physical intimacy, sexuality, marriage, etc. I CAN say neither one of my boys liked girls either at that age.

If there is more to this story and you see other evidence of his leaning that way already, what of it?

You actually have a few more years before you will be required to address his sexuality, why concern yourself with it now?

Let him be.

:)

ETA: And by the way, here in NYS he CAN marry a boy if he likes. Shrug, what difference does it make?

As the parent of a gay high schooler, I'll say that I don't think your son's behavior necessarily indicates that he is gay. Kids at that age really don't understand relationships, marriage and sexuality. They think women's husbands are their daddies, that husbands and wives grew up together in the same house (like siblings), don't understand that their parents have a separate relationship from just being parents. They think being married means living together so they think they can marry anyone they like - their sister, their same sex best friend, their dog.

Not all children are the same. Some know from a very, very young age that they prefer one sex over another although most don't really figure that out until their tweens or teens or even adulthood.

So is it possible that your son already knows he's gay? Yes. Is it likely? Not especially but I wouldn't rule it out. I would take a neutral approach on it. Our childrens' thoughts and ideas and reasons for them are so fluid and ever evolving that I think your approach has been the right one even though it's been out of fear for his safety rather than out of recognizing he's a small boy who prefers the company of other boys right now (which is normal) over the company of girls (who are weird and like weird things).

I'm sorry if I sound flip-floppy and waffly on this. I have a nephew that I had an idea was gay from the time he was around six, and I knew for sure when he was 12. Then when he started dating girls at 16 it threw me for a major loop. He came out to me a little over a year ago when he was 19, and this past summer to the rest of the family. He's dating a guy.

Wow, that is so normal for a 5 year old boy! At his age, I'd be more surprised to hear that he wants to marry girls.
Just tell him if and who he wants to marry is decision that's so far away, he doesn't even need to think about it. All he should be concerned about at this point is making and enjoying his friends, boys or girls.
And don't worry if he discusses his future plans with others. Anyone who has spent much time with elementary-aged boys knows that they usually like boys much more than girls. At this developmental stage, his job is to learn how to make friends (usually same-gender); choosing a mate is a much later stage in development.
I think our society is putting so much emphasis on homosexuality right now that parents are way over-analyzing their children's behavior.

Well of course he doesn't...girls have cooties!!

My son is six and told me he wants to marry me. So... there you go, right? :)

Not to beat a dead horse here, but I agree with everyone else who says that he's likely just at a 'no girls allowed' age. He likes his boy buddies and wants to play with them forever. That is likely what he talks about when he discusses 'getting married'-- that he just wants to hang out and play with boys. No clue at that age... zero.

My brother also declared that he wanted to marry my mom and live on a farm ( this from when he was around the same age). I can assure you, it did not turn out that way! :) He is married to a woman and they have two kids. Do not sweat this right now. If you keep hearing this into adolescence and the teens, then you can show your support for his being gay. Until then, we do better to keep our opinions to ourselves. Really, truly likely that this is just a phase. I've heard this from girls too... who grew up to date and love boys. We just like who we like and in their young minds, it seems reasonable to marry your best friend.... just like we're supposed to do.

Great job!

Only advice, keep loving him day by day. Don't make a big deal out of his "choice" because he's more then just that. If it's a phase it will pass, if not he will be strong because he will know without a doubt that you love him.

Take it one day at a time. Good mommy!

No, I don't agree that it isn't just a phase. Five year olds go through a lot of phases similar to this. At that age both of my "all boy" boys painted their toenails. When I was in elementary school I told my parents I was never going to have kids, "just puppies!" I know these aren't exactly the same situations, but kids that age want to marry their parents, their best friends, their babysitter, etc. Personally I wouldn't make a big deal out of it and would say very little in response. I might just smile and say, "O.k." or "We'll see." He's also at the age where the genders start to segregate themselves in terms of friends. In daycare and preschool my boys played equally with boys and girls and I think that's pretty common. For my younger son's 5th birthday party all of the guests except one were girls! Once they got to kindergarten age they preferred having friends of their own gender. Your son might just be recognizing that he prefers to hang out with boys and saying he wants to "marry boys" could be his way of expressing that. He doesn't fully realize the implications of his statement. I agree with you--it's o.k. if he really does want to marry boys someday, but I don't necessarily think that's what's going on now.

Many children also say they want to marry their parent at that age. I would simply say, "That's fine." and move on. If it becomes a problem for him in school, then address those issues. One of my friends, whose son is friends with my daughter, thinks her son may be gay (about the same age as your son). At this point, DD is more concerned that the kid has cool trucks than he might bring his parents a son-in-law. The parents try to not make a big deal because right now there's no battle to fight (with the school or anything). If we have balloons at a party, DD knows he'll want a pink one. But she thinks of it like "Well, Bill likes green and Paul likes pink and I like purple and..."

Keep your ear out, certainly. But remember that 1. kids are mercurial and 2. little kids don't have the notions adults do. While you want to protect him, try not to make him feel badly about himself by making normal kid conversations verbotten (playing house is one of the kids' favorite things in DD's class).

I would say it COULD be a phase, but most homosexuals say they knew they were "different" at a very young age....3 or 4 years old. Most of them don't really have words to explain exactly why they are different, but they just know they are. My brother knew he was different when he was really young, but didn't really have a word for it until he was about 13 and realized he had the feelings for boys that most boys have for girls. And I should say, too, that he used to say he was going to marry a girl in his class when he was 5. So that comment doesn't necessarily mean he is or isn't gay. My 2 kids swear they are going to marry each other. I think the main thing is to not make it a big deal. If he says he's not going to get married because he likes boys, just say ok, and follow his lead as to whether he wants to talk about it further or not. I think it's great that you've told him it's fine with you either way, but telling him that it's private and you don't talk about it with other people might give him the impression that it's something to be ashamed of, and he will notice that other people DO talk about it, which might confuse him. I would take it on a case by case basis and deal with the reactions as they come. If someone reacts poorly, you can talk to him about it, ask him how it made him feel if he seems upset about it, but kids are usually pretty mellow about stuff like that. My kids were in my brother's wedding to another man and they didn't even ask a thing about why Uncle J was marrying a man instead of a woman. It just isn't on their radar. If your son comes home from school and is upset because someone said something about it, deal with that situation when it comes, but don't make it into something he feels like he can't share. That creates a feeling of shame and he might end up thinking you are not as ok with it as you say you are, and be reluctant to share with you. Sounds like you are doing a good job, but if he brings it up again, you might want to rethink the "private" issue.

i think you did just fine in your answer. you're a mother who wants to protect her baby. i agree with others as you shouldnt look to much into it just yet. as he gets older i totally believe its a mothers intuition to know their children best and you will soon realize if he is or isnt gay. :)
Dont take some of these responses personally. it always amazes me that people who HAVE NO CHILDREN seem to think they have the best advice. PFFT... move along, move along.
Hugs mama!! xxoxx

Eh, my seven year old says she wants to marry her daddy when she gets older. I agree with the others- don't put too much stock in it now.

Haven't read other posts yet, so sorry if I repeat other info:
I think you handled it fine, if that's how you wanted to handle it. I also don't think there would have been a problem to say, "we don't care if you get married or not." Period. I'm not sure you needed to add that he could marry a boy, because you kind of introduced a possibility to him that a) doesn't exist yet, and b) may cause confusion to him.

I have no problem with homosexuality, but at 5, he is probably just expressing how much more he prefers to spend time with his male friends, and not girls. At 5, girls are gross to little boys. At 5, your buddies like digging in dirt, playing with worms, chase you with swords, etc., and girls play with dolls. What 5 year old boy wouls want THAT for the rest of their lives?!? :)

I don't think this is an issue, but I have 4 sons, and each has expressed their thoughts on marriage to me, everything from wanting to marry me (should I have condoned that? I don't think so...), to wanting to marry his sister (no, can't do that either...), to wanting to marry other boys. Each time my answer is similar...you can love all kinds of people, but there is a special love that God gives you when you are ready to get married, and you will feel that love for a special girl. If one of my little guys ends up being gay, we'll cross that bridge when we get there, and they will be loved beyond measure.

I think you're putting the cart before the horse. If this is the only reason you think so, then you need to relax.

My 7 yr old son said something similar when he was 5. He asked me if it would be ok to marry a boy because he doesn't like girls.

Most little boys want nothing to do with girls. When my 11 yr old daughter teases my 7 yr son about a girl who likes him, he punches her in the arm and tells her to shut up.

Is my son gay? I don't think so. I think it's totally normal for boys to like boys and want to hang out only with other boys until the middle school years.

My son is five and he wants to marry me. He says it several times per day. No matter how much I tell him I'm too old for him. He means it too with all of his little heart. But I know it's not going to last, because he's five. Granted I'm a female, but he's not hormonally developed like that yet. He doesn't show interest in other little girls.
Most boys don't like girls yet at five.

If I asked my son who he likes better, boys or girls, he would says boys because he hates girls because his sisters are on his nerves.
Actually he has been in the car before after Tae Kwon Do a few times saying how much he loves boys, but it's because he's usually with his sisters, and he loves all his male instructors and friends in class.

It's good to be accepting, but you're jumping the gun a little by worrying what other people will think of his future plans. I just acknowledge and accept whatever my son says knowing it's for the moment whatever it is. I don't think any of his teachers would have a problem with anything he says, like, "I want to marry my mom" since they're used to five-year-olds.

Most of my gay friends knew they were gay-or remember really "loving" one gender over another on a hormonal level- by about eight years old. That's also when I remember developing a real "crush" on a male babysitter. So give it a little more time. And you really don't have to do anything special, just never put him down in any way regarding who he likes. Even eight years old is too young to "support your kids romantic interests" no mater what they are since it's not like he'll be dating or have sex at 8.

He'll have a much easier time in today's world than he would have in generations past if he's gay. We live in a backwards little community far away from any cities (way more behind the times than Colorado Springs), and even here the gay teens are accepted and really "out" way more than when we were teens. I saw two boys (one in make-up) holding hands on the way home from high school the other day.

I think that age is too young to make any life long declarations. At 5, there are no hormones in play yet. All he's seeing is that the boys probably like to do the same stuff he likes to do whereas the girls think and act foreign to him. Who woldn't want to marry/like someone who has the same interests as they do? ;-) It is also possible that he will grow up and marry a man and intrinsically knows already. Either way, it's fine and I think you handled it well.

you[re thinking too much into it. i think you shoudl J. tell him when he gets bigger he can marry who he loves and wants and you will support it whether it be a girl or a boy and leave it at that, the chances he;s going around on the playground speaking about marriage plans are very small and most kids like everyone said below at 5 want to marry odd people or things.
my daughter wanted to marry M., her dad, her step dad, her uncle, her cousin, her friend....now she says she wants a rich guy so she can stay home and not work....but she doesnt want kids. Yet in a seperate breath she will tell you she wants to be a teacher and vet, she's 6 and i'm glad she;s not cornering herself in. 99% of the time she talks about marrying a guy but who knows that could change when hormones come into play and we find out who she is actually attracted to. She has plenty of time to change her mind throughout the years.

Boys hate girls until they get to about 4th or 5th grade. He may just be hearing a lot about gay marriage or something. So he thinks that is normal right now, not really knowing this isn't something common yet. I'd just let it go.

People are much more receptive nowadays.

Why is discussing who you love "private"? That confuses me. I bet it confused him too.

My kid told me he wanted to marry the tooth fairy once. So hes probably schizophrenic right.

Calm down! Jees!

First of all, congratulations on being a wonderful mom. If your son turns out to be gay, you are teaching him that you've got his back no matter what, that you'll be his rock in a hard, bigoted world, and that love will win out in the end. If he turns out not to be gay, you are modeling tolerance, compassion, and respect for difference.

My son expressed similar things at 5, but perhaps a little less decisively. He said he wanted to marry his (male) best friend, and not a woman, and was very interested to learn whether boys were allowed to marry boys. But it was never a strong interest of his or something he wanted to spend a lot of time on. So I think my experiences may be relevant but not quite identical.

The only suggestion I might have is, rather than being prescriptive -- saying "you shouldn't talk about these things" -- you might try expressing the whole thing in the third person -- "Some people still think it's wrong for boys to marry boys, but more and more of them are changing their minds. For the ones who think it's wrong, though, some people decide to be quiet and private about who they like, just so they don't give the meanies a chance to be mean." That way, on the chance that he turns out to be one of those guys who just can't be closeted, you're giving him an option, not only one possible course of action.

If you still think he'll be likely to be gay as he gets older, you might also see whether there's a Gay-Straight Alliance in his junior high or high school. PFLAG should also have some good resources. And for when he gets older (not yet), there are the It Gets Better videos.

Best wishes, and congratulations again for being the best of all possible moms.

Mira

Also throw the age thing in. He's too young to get married, so he can wait till he's older to make plans. :) You did great. Now, it's possible that he just thinks that girls are icky right now, boys are just way more cool to spend all your time with, and that he isn't gay. But either way, you did a nice job.

Good job Mama for being so thoughtful and sensitive on behalf of your son. I would not worry about labeling anything even in your mind. I would keep the open mind you have and just keep the dialogue going with your son about the different types of relationships in our world. Also include in your dialogue the notion that people have different beliefs about all this and sometimes people can be hurtful about it. It is a great way to share your value system with him over time.

My oldest son carried a pink brush around and loved girl stuff. He was also five, loved all his little friends. All his friends were girls. Till this day all his friends are girls. I thought just like you. My son is not gay, he dates women. I did not care either way.
But kids can be cruel, so I think your giving him the right advise Mamma!

At five, most boys don't like girls and vice versa.
His orientation is already what it will be, but he may or may not be able to accurately assess it.
But he knows that whoever he falls in love with, Mom has his back and that's what matters.

My 5 year old ask me and her Dad "why do you want to get married - that means you can't break up." Kids say the funniest things - if you take them literally all the time then you will probably end up taking your kid to a psychiatrist. If I took everything at face value my LO says - she would be considered ADHD, manic depressive, sensory disorder, entomophobic, bi-polar, etc. She's 5. They don't always know what they mean and they don't always know how to truly express themselves. =)

According to Freudian psychology, boys and girls between the ages of 6-12 are in the latency phase. A time prior to puberty. In this stage, boys and girls do not see each other in any other way but as kids. That is until puberty.

My daughter tells us all the time that she is never moving out and staying in our house forever, not going away to college and never having babies. Totally normal for her age.

I wouldn't over think anything. I'd just continue to be open and see how he develops. You're a good mom.

My daughter is 7 and she talks all the time about how she is going to marry her BFF (who is a girl), and my son who is 4 picked the Barbie movie the other night instead of a more boy themed movie.

I think you are responding appropriately, and you are also teaching him to accept others as well as his own potential self. But don't over react or put him in that category yet.

Just like Rachel said, he likes boys because girls have cooties :)

Most boys at age 5 aren't that fond of girls. I wouldn't set it in my mind that he's gay. Right now, he just doesn't like girls and the only other option are boys. I would say something to him like "okay, but I won't be surprised if you change your mind."

good advice given by all. It's normal.

I think you handled it very well! You didn't give it too much info or attention but you didn't under-handle it either.