This is a post that really sucks to write. About 3 years ago I was in a very serious relationship. I was engaged and thought I had my life set. Because of other factors it did not work. He had kids and was much older than me. I stayed in contact with one of the children which I had always been close to. He always knew I was there for him and that if he needed to talk to me that I was only a phone call or text away. He was 10 years younger than I.
Last night, on my way to an ex co workers wake none the less, I get a call. No big deal I am friends with a member of the fire department. He started asking me questions about this young man. I knew then that something was wrong but he could not tell me. At the wake of which this fireman also showed. I found out that this young boy, who I hold in my heart so hard, had been killed in a car crash. To say the least I am devestated. We have always had an untouchable bond.
Here is the thing. I dont know if I should say anything to my ex. We did leave on somewhat good terms. If I do say anything what? I know the loss of a child is painful. I dont know what I would want to hear in this situation. Anyone got advice. I am dealing with my side of the loss I guess how anyone would. There are tears and I know life will go on. I will be going to his funeral and wake.
Just as a note to how close me and this 12 year old were. He had sent me a message over facebook almost two weeks ago thanking me for stepping up and taking care of him when I needed to and treating him like he was equil to my own son. I never once tried to be his mom but I guess I made an impact either way.
I would reach out to your ex and express your sympathy. It will make your feel better and will add to your closure.
Without a doubt, reach out. If you have any photos to offer that your ex might not have of him, offer to drop those off in case they do a photo collage or just for them to have.
When my brother died last year (he was 34 so not a child but still my parents' son) it was really touching how many people came out to remember him and support our family during a tough time. Particularly touching was that a girl he had dated seriously more than 10 years prior, who was a really nice person back then and now, reached called my other brother and was able to give us pictures to use for his picture collages that we didn't already have, and she was there for the wake and funeral.
If I were you, I would just call your ex. If he isn't in a position to talk, he'll let the call go to VM. But you never know - yours might be a call that he picks up and takes some comfort in. When my best friend died when we were in college, there were some random people I heard from who once I saw their number on the call ID, or saw at the funeral, I really welcomed the chance to talk to. Just say how sorry your are to have heard about his loss, and that you truly loved his son and will miss him terribly, and that your heart breaks for him and his family. Just speak from your heart.
And then more importantly, reach out in the coming months. On the boy's birthday, or on major holidays. When my friend died, her mom was comforted by knowing that people still remembered afterward - a nice card in the mail saying "I'm thinking of you as you go through your first holiday without Bobby" or "I'm thinking of you as you remember his birthday" (or the anniversary of his death, etc.) can be very touching.
i would attend the funeral.
Yes, yes, yes and yes...do contact your ex, or the family in some way and send your condolences. Your ex knows how important you were to this son.
Tragic endings to young lives are insurmountable and painful and your ex will need all the support he can receive. Especially from someone like your who loved his son.
And you know, there are no magic or perfect words in times like this. Just your presence and the knowledge that you care are comfort enough.
Sorry to hear this terrible news.
Absolutely reach out! It can only bring goodness and peace to both him and you as you come to terms with this loss. A kind word or gesture is NEVER wrong. I am very sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry. That is just tragic. I don't think there is ever much you can say. You are going to the wake and the funeral, you can only hug your ex and express how much you loved the boy and listen.
I am so sorry
I lost my youngest son in a car accident and this is somethings we find comforting and appriciate others telling us. We love memories you have of them, happy ones, sad ones, funny ones. We don't get more memories of our own now so hearing them from others who's lives they touched is priceless. Talk about how your life has been enriched by this young man. Tell your ex how sorry you are but don't offer the usual "call me if you need something" He won't call even if he does. Instead offer things like going to the grocery store. Make meals down the road after the funeral is over. If you have pictures of his son, make copies of them for your ex. All this will be greatly appriciated.
Things not to say and do with a grieving parent: Don't say "He is in a better place" We know heaven is peaceful and full of love but to say that there is a better place then here with us on earth is hard to hear. Don't say "It is God's will" We don't want to blame God for taking our child. It is better for us to know God recieved our child when other circumstances caused the death. Don't stop talking about their child and leaving it as a elephant in the middle of the room. It has been 9 years since my best friend lost her son (2 and half since I lost my son) and just yeasterday we were in DQ and a young man she knew from years ago came up to her and said he remembered her. He said "you are both BJ and Todd's mom" and even though he knew she had lost Todd, it meant the world to her that he made sure to include him. To hear our child's name means others think of him and remember him too. So even if it brings tears to his eyes, mention his son and how much he meant to you often. Don't ask "how are you doing?" and "Are you doing ok?" You will get the standard answers of "I am doing ok" which is a lie. Instead say "Would you like to go get a cup of coffee?" When we lose a child we are numb. It took me months to cry tears and when I did I completely lost it. Even now it is unbelievable to me. I have been lucky and no one tells me to "get over it" because we don't ever get over it, we just get through it one day at a time and sometimes that is too hard and we get by one minute at a time. With the reality sitting in we notice that everyone elses lives go back to normal. They go on shopping, laughing and joking and we are feeling forgotten. Also remember that tears are healing. Those days when we don't do anything but cry, it is normal and it is a good release for us, so on those days just give a hug.
Two more things not to say to a grieving parent is "That is my worst nightmare" and "I can't imagine" I still can't imagine and it is my worst nightmare too but now it is my life.
Last but not least, Never ever compare the death of a child to the death of anyone else. It is a totally different loss. While all losses cause heartache and we always miss those who are gone, the loss of a child is losing a big part of you that will never be replaced. It is said losing a parent is losing part of your past, losing a spouse or siblings is losing part of your present but losing a child is losing part of your future.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I would definitely reach out - by way of a card. Buy a beautiful sympathy card and just add a personal note. Doesn't have to be anything too deep or long. Just so he knows you cared.
God bless.
I am sorry for your loss.
I would definiately send a card or contact your ex in some way. Just "I heard about your loss and I can't tell you how sorry I am, Johnny was a great kid" would be fine or you could give examples if you like.
Take Care,
M.
Parents love to hear how wonderful their children are/ were. Write him a sympathy card or letter with your insights and stories into how special the child was. Make sure to avoid making it about you, or bringing up memories specific to the era of your relationship, just make it about the boy, his personality, his life.
I am very sorry for your loss.
Just say whatever is in your heart, simply and plainly.
Praying for all of you.
I would just keep a low profile when you attend the services. You have suffered a loss in your heart, just think how his mother and father are feeling.
wow first let me say-im so sorry for your loss-how tragic-second-moving on good or bad terms-this man deserves a heartfelt condolence and huge hugs.and be sure to let him know your door is always open if he needs to talk.i know your grief is huge-but imagine his..and please feel really good for being this childs extra in his life-sometimes that's all someone has to make it thru a rough day..take care of yourself.god speed to you all.
I am sorry for your loss.
