Would You Even Try to Get Your Property Back?

Hi XXXX, I need my DVD's today or the money to replace them because I can't teach my classes without them". Sorry to be so abrupt but I have asked several times now and haven't got them yet."

She is counting on you letting it go.

I am the type to dig my heels in and continue asking for them back. I would put it in writing so I have some back up.

I like the ideas you received to call her and say you are in the area and will stop by to pick them up.

It is not the money that is at issue here... she is incredibly rude and manipulative.

Good luck and keep us posted.

I would keep asking for them simply to NOT let her get away with it. It's not even about the DVDs. It's about HER rude and manipulative ways. Ugh. Wonder how many other people she's done this to...

i wouldn't let that go. it's not like it was disney vids, these are part of your livelihood. you're not the one at fault here, and there's no need to hate yourself for 'begging' for your own stuff back.
i think it's time to change the inner dialogue, and instead of begging or pleading or feeling guilty for being a bother, be just a little scary. not threatening, but no longer nice or accommodating.
in person is best (nowhere for her to wiggle away) but a phone call will do. no text or email, you need direct her-to-you contact.
'hi mary, we need to resolve the situation with my DVDs. i've got money invested in them, and i'm afraid i can't wait any longer. i'd like them returned by the end of the week. if you can't find them i'll need the $90 i've got invested in them. this is not a loss i'm prepared to absorb. thank you.'
if you're feeling generous, offer to pick them up yourself.
seriously. don't be 'nice' about this. she's all the way over on the wrong side.
khairete
S.

Could you pose it as a question "Is there some reason you aren't returning to these to me? I need them back by such and such a date".

Even if you don't need to use them, still set a date. It doesn't matter - that's when you want them back by (she doesn't need to know). Deadlines have a way of making people smarten up.

Then take it up a notch if she doesn't. You can say "What do you plan on doing about it to fix the problem?".

My mother is very good at this (me, still learning..). She puts it to people as questions - to make them accountable. Then she holds them to it. It's very obvious then that the person is not honoring their word.

Good luck :) I hope you get them back!

Um....I too would not let this go.
She needs to RESPOND in some way.
Whether it's "I lost them/sold them/gave them away/hate you/am too lazy to look." WHATEVER. You deserve a response/answer.
Honest if she can't find them? Or hasn't tried to look? She needs to form the words with her mouth and let you know what is going on.
I gate people with no accountability. Sheesh.

Me? My next move would be a call saying "I'll be right near your house on Friday at xyz:00, I'll swing by and pick up those DVDs! If you're not home, can you leave them on the porch?"

I wouldn't let it go. I would contact her again and ask the question about the DVDs. If she says "well I will have to get back with you" I would say "Betty, I cannot do that. I need them now. I have asked repeatedly for them and you say you will get back with me and never do. If you have lost them, the replacement cost is $$$. If not, I will be by Wednesday to pick them up."

She thinks if she keeps stalling, you will forget and she keeps them. No!!! Sorry, I would hound her until you receive your materials back.

Mamapedia ate my answer again. Grrrr!

Sorry, A., this sounds like one of those live and learn things.

She's rude and disrespectful to be so careless with your things and dismissive of your repeated requests to have your property returned.

I doubt you'll get anywhere with her, but if it makes YOU feel better to try one last time, say, "Hey Jane, I need to get those DVDs for a class I'm planning to teach. I know how busy you are, so I'll swing by on Thursday evening to get them. Thanks!" If she dodges you, just ask her if she's lost them. If she has, say how disappointed you are and reiterate that you really need them.

If she has any manners whatsoever, she'll offer to replace them, but based on her track record, it doesn't sound like that will happen. If it doesn't, at least you know you tried everything possible to get your property back. Maybe that will help you to finally let it go.

Sad that some people are so inconsiderate. I hope she proves me wrong.

J. F.

I would show up at her house and ask for them, if she cant produce them, then I would let her know she will need to replace them.

This is one of my pet peeves. I think it is very rude to borrow something and not return it, or damage it, etc.. I know plenty of people that feel when they borrow something it is theirs to keep forever.

I would ask her if she has found them yet. IF she hasn't, tell her it's ok, she can just give you the money and you'll replace them.

I would absolutely pursue this. Tell her you will be stopping by on x date at x time to pick up the DVDs. She should be so embarrassed that she hasn't gotten them back to you. If she says she doesn't have them any longer I would ask her for the money so you can replace them. I would be surprised if you collect however but there is No way I would let her off the hook that easily.

IMHO....you should not "hate yourself for begging". Those DVD are yours. If you must...hate her for making you ask 3+ times for trying to collect what is rightfully yours. 😊

If it's possible to replace them I would graciously provide the information for replacing them. Then I would give her the option to order and pay for them or to give you money so that you can.

If you can replace them and she still doesn't make it right I would let it go. If you can't replace them or to do so is cost prohibitive I would have a sit down with her during which you're sympathetic to her problem, asking what the difficulty in returning is. Present this as a problem and ask for her help in making your set complete. If she's lost them, is there a way she could replace them? Could she call to ask for help the business? Problem solve together.

If that doesn't work, let it go and find a way to resolve your anger. I would be angry in your place. Know that having this happen is in no way your fault. If you can let go of your guilt pursuing the return of the disks will be easier without the emotion. I think you've given this too much time and emotion. She is solely responsible. Decide on a date after which you will let it go.

giver her a choice: "you can find them or give me the money, which do you prefer?"

I would either show up on her doorstep and tell her you will wait while she looks, or I would create an invoice and hand it to her so you can replace them. Tell her that this is your income, your profession, and you need your training materials NOW. Put a payment deadline, and start adding interest every 30 days. If you annoy her enough, she may comply. She may just be disorganized, or she may be a real user. She may be using them for her own purposes (income) or she may have sold them to someone else.

I'd also hand her the invoice when you're at TKD in front of others. "Hey Susie, I was happy to loan you those DVDs but, as you know, those are my training program. I absolutely need them back, as I have asked you before. I need them by Friday or else I have to replace them. Here's the bill for your records, and you can make the check out to Mary Jones. Thanks for your prompt attention to this." Handle it like what it is and was - a business transaction.

Your invoice should list the names of the DVDs and the cost for each. You can find an invoice template on line. Make it official looking, including "Make checks payable to…." and your address and a due date and the schedule for interest.

If that doesn't work, depending on how aggressive you want to be, you can turn it over to collection. They will take a percentage (maybe as much as half), but you will annoy the hell out of her. She won't be your friend anymore - but she's not your friend now. She's a user.

I too would pursue it...and tell her you will be at her house at a specific time. And be there. You may also say that if she doesn't not have the DVDs, you will accept $XX. Sounds like she may do this a lot....she needs someone to stand up to her!

Ideally I would *NOT* let this go. She can give you the DVD's, money for the missing DVDs, or buy the rest of the collection from you.

Realistically - I might let it go and chalk it up to lesson learned.

That was very rude on her part.

I wouldn't stop. I would also demand that if she can't find them that she give you CASH the amount of the dvd when you show up to get them.

A lesson learned, no matter how badly you are hounded, you don't loan or lend them. She hounded you until you caved. No more. Apply this lesson to your own children, "No means no."

Good luck.

the other S.

PS Your property your use no one else's.

I would call her and say point blank I need them this weekend. I will stop over and get them on "X" day. And then actually go and get them. I hate when people do this. It's why I won't loan out hardback books. I don't mind paperbacks they are cheap but when I am paying $20+ per book I won't chance loosing it. Good luck.

Keep on her! They're yours and you were kind enough to lend them to her.

I would tell her you're sure she feels badly she can't find your DVD's so here is the website link where she can order them. Then say you will pick them up in x days (giving time for shipping). You will come by. See what she does. Worse case you show up and she never ordered them and you say "ok, I'll order them. You can just give me a check now." Not sure how she can not comply... By letting her order them though, you're proving you don't just want cash. You want your friggin' DVD's!! She's a jerk.

Ugh...

Is there a way to repurchase the discs? If not, then maybe one last call simply stating that your collection has a giant gap in it without them and you *can't* replace them from the company. Can she please return them ASAP?

If you CAN repurchase them, then you should call her and tell her straight up: "As you know, you still have my 3 DVDs and I need them. If you cannot return them for whatever reason, please send me $X so that I can repurchase them. I will need the $ by X date, in order to place the order before they are no longer available."

Some people... gahhh..

That would irritate me.

I guess the answer all depends on how far you are willing to go to pursue this.

It is a way to get income that is flexible and you have paid into it. On the other hand it's not clear if you want to keep doing it and you lent the DVD's to someone who already showed you she doesn't respect boundaries. She is very clearly in the wrong.

I think the answer is to give her a deadline. You either return the DVD's or have a check ready by Tuesday.

But unless you know where she lives or can guarantee she will be somewhere at a certain day/time it may be hard to catch her.

I think you have some good 'firm but friendly' suggestions already, but if you don't mind it getting ugly I would send her a certified letter stating you lent her the DVD's, have requested multiple times since (date) for her to return them, and that she needs to return them in working order by this date or send you a check for this amount (the value of DVD's) by this date.

I think this makes the request to return the items 'legal' so to speak, and she will know you mean business. But it will get ugly.

Some people.....grrrrrr

ETA: If this was a shirt, dress, or movie DVD I would let it go. But when it has to do with a person's income or means to an income it crosses the line to me and I don't see it quite as petty.

ETA2: if she does not respond to the letter you can take her to small claims court to get the money for the items she has not returned.

A., I agree with Suz...you must change your inner dialogue on this one.....She is totally in the wrong, and you graciously, against your better judgement, accommodated her repeated requests....so yes, nag her like she nagged you...It's called fighting fire with fire...she's hoping you'll drop it, but this is a great learning opportunity for you both....1. You need to trust your initial gut instinct about people, as it seems pretty darn good to me and 2. She's a twit and needs to invest some time into correcting this....

Lots of great advice on how to phrase the request....but don't throw in the towel on this one...heck, I'd probably say something like, "Hey you have said that you would look for the DVD's 2 or 3 times now. We're all busy and I'm planning on going back to teaching (white lie) and I need them back ASAP....I'm in the neighborhood at this time and will help you look for them..."

Her behavior is rude, inconsiderate and disrespectful to you and your time and your belongings. So sorry about this. But you can do it!!

I personally would keep on her. I would let her know I will be around her neighborhood and stop in at a certain time on a certain day. Show up. Put her on the spot. If she still can't find them then tell her when you need them by or she needs to replace them and give her the price. Simple as that.

Stop feeling bad about asking for what is rightly yours. You are not begging. She was the one begging...and you caved even though you didn't want to loan them.

From here on, don't ever let anyone pressure you into doing something you don't want to do. No means No. Feel comfortable saying NO and sticking to it. True friends will respect boundaries and accept and respect a No. Moochers and acquaintances will take advantage of nice people like you.

I hope this lady steps up and this issue gets resolved. Good luck!!

I would email/text her something like, "I have asked several times for the DVD's back but it looks like you can't find them since I haven't heard back from you. If that is the case, I will have to ask for $100 (or whatever the cost) so I can replace them since they are part of my set and I don't want any missing. I'm sure you can understand this." I would not let this go. If she ignores you flat out and doesn't give you money for them, then I would block her on FB and lose her number and move on. Good luck.

I think she should have just gotten her own after you said no the first time. And I wouldn't have lent them out if I didn't want to, so you shouldn't have felt bad saying no for the 50th time if she kept badgering.

However, I am extremely busy and my plate is so full right now (a lot of my close friends aren't even aware of everything that is going on), so you should call her. Don't message or text her, call her. Tell her you need them back or you need her to replace them, plain and simple.

Call her (voice to voice) and tell her, I am in the area and would like to pick up my DVD's that you borrowed. If she says, I'll have to get back to you, I'm not home, say...your car is in the driveway.

You will likely have to let them go. But, I would let her know you are disappointed.

I would be pissed! She hounded you until you broke down and loaned them to her. She sounds like a flake.

I have kind of learned if loan anything to people, there is a chance I will never get it back.. I hate it, but sometimes people are just terrible about borrowing and not returning.

Personally, I would give her one more reminder. Ask her, "do you think you have lost them?" Maybe she will admit they are lost, broken.. whatever, you now know she is not worthy of letting her borrow your things.
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I agree that I would not let it go either. I would tell her I gave her enough heads up about getting them back before you needed them, but now the time has come that you need them back now, either by returning them, replacing them with the exact items, or giving you the current purchase price of each, including any tax/shipping.

If you do plan to sell rather than teach again -- Have you told her explicitly that you want these back because you plan to sell them? That might light a fire under her. Tell her that you are now selling your Zumba materials as a set and need these to complete the set and sell it. Not clear to me if you have told her this in so many words.

I would ask her via e-mail if you have her e-mail. That way it's in writing. I think it's a bit soon for a formal invoice (or calling in collectors?! Whoa...) if you have not been clear yet that you plan to sell a whole set and need these DVDs to complete it.

I'd tell her that you have decided you need to sell these DVDs, and give her until a specific date to find and return them; then say that since you need to sell them, if she cannot locate them by a certain date ("I plan to put it all on Ebay on June 15 so I need the DVDs no later than June 14" or whatever) then she can give you the purchase price and that way they are hers to find or not and use or not. It is your call whether to ask her for the full, original purchase price or the price you would ask for them on Ebay.

It's not clear to me whether your three earlier requests to her to get these back were in person, on the phone, via text, in e-mails--? I would go at this point with e-mail; texts are far too casual and I think phone is too, and you don't really see her in person if your kid is no longer in TKD with hers.

You can do a setting on e-mail where you are alerted when the recipient opens the e-mail, so you can know if she saw it; if you send it and get no alert, that gives you the reason to get back to her again and say, "Sorry, my e-mail system showed that the previous one wasn't opened, so I'm re-sending. Please get back to me with what you plan to do regarding the date I mention."

I have been both the person who loaned out something and never saw it again, and frankly I've been the person who was loaned something and stupidly forgot about having it. So I would give her one more attempt and would be more formal in the communication,and absolutely do tell her you plan to sell these DVDs--that may light a fire under her.

It does sound to me as if she might simply be saying she'll look for them but hasn't even done the looking -- that may be all she needs to do if she'll just get to it. Seeing a date in an e-mail, and mentions of purchase price, could do the trick.

They are yours, you have every right to demand them back. I would call her and tell her point blank you only lent them to her and she needs to find them and return them ASAP. It may turn out you lent them to a thief and she will claim they are lost, in which case you really do have no recourse, but at least calling her will force her to admit she has no intentions of returning your property.

If she's not returning the DVDs and being difficult why do you think she will be any easier when it comes to paying for them? If anything it will be harder and even more of a pain to get the $. Lesson learned. Move on.

I would tell her that she either needs to find your DVDs or replace them if she lost them. Make it clear you were only letting her borrow them and they were not hers to keep. I would white lie a little and say you will be needing them soon so you really need them back sooner rather then later. I would also never loan this women a thing ever again.
I know there is that saying to never loan something you can't afford to get back. But really, manners say this women isn't being very nice at all and should be held accountable.