Would You Be Upset About It?

My dh is in his late 30s. If he was talking about how hot the 18 & 19 year old were, I'd be pissed--and think he's a total creep!!!

Sweetie - you having low self-esteem is not the problem in what you have described. These people are kicking you emotionally and it's not OK.

e

First off - you're beautiful no matter what anyone else says.

Second - there's nothing wrong with you - there's something wrong with people who shoot their mouths off and are insensitive.

Third off - you are questioning your self worth. This is classic for people who are in abusive relationships. Consider that you ARE in an abusive relationship and you need to get out of it.

Fourth - there is something creepy about a professor who's THAT into admiring his female students - and I'm fairly sure there are policies against student faculty relationships. If he's at all serious about what he's talking about - he's going to lose his job.

Just talk to a women s shelter and/or start some counseling.
You need to work on your self confidence and then kick his behind to the curb.

He sounds like a jerk. He has no regard for your feels and I don't think he will.

Personally if he said that no one would ever find you attractive, then what's his problem? He found you attractive. My bet is he isn't all that himself and makes himself feel better by belittling you. Not much of a man in my opinion.

I would see a therapist and work on my self esteem. I would then leave a person who has to be a man by hurting others.

You are entitled to feel however you feel. DH's comments over dinner were totally out of line. Disrespectful and classless. Working at a university puts him in contact with a lot of different people but to point out onlly the gorgeous girls is childish and immature.

Afa your mil? She probably is taken by your sister in law's eyes and didn't think she was calling you ugly. I'd let that one go.

Your husband is a thoughtless, cruel, sexist jerk. He is emotionally abusive. His mother isn't any better. None of them has respect for others and only make themselves feel better by putting other people down. THEY are the ones with low self-images, much more than you. Your husband is already worried about being middle-aged and undesirable. And if he keeps talking like this, he's going to be even more undesirable than he is now.

Find a backbone - get some therapy about why you allow people to treat you this way (you can't control them, but you can control what you do about it). You can talk to him if you want, or try to get him to go with you to build a better marriage, but my guess is that he doesn't see the problem and won't respond to your discussion any more than he responds to your statements that this hurts you.

Next time he does this, especially in front of other people, get up, put on your coat, and leave. Take the car. Let him find his own way home. Walk out. Don't listen to it.

See a lawyer about protecting yourself legally and financially, especially if you have children. Your husband is going to be subject to university discipline and may lose his job for saying inappropriate things to and about college students. Students will report him, and other professors and staff may do it as well. This is a huge legal liability for colleges and they aren't going to put up with it. If he says these things to you and close friends, then he says them or displays those feelings on the campus. Your children are going to grow up treating women this way or allowing men to treat them this way. They will be cruel people who only feel better by hurting others. Your husband will not see the damage he is causing, so you are the only one with any sense of compassion.

He is telling you as soon as a younger girl gives him the time of day he will leave you. Believe him. Go to counseling and work on yourself, you do not have to be some stunning 18year old to be loved and adored by your husband, you can't settle though on some jerk and expect any different. I'd rather be single then married to someone who doesn't care about my feelings. And your mil is a jerk too.

You have a right to feel that way. His comments are very cruel and inappropriate. It is not your fault he says those things. And he should not say them. The people who heard him thought it was very creepy I'm sure. And any man confessing to ogling his college students is at risk of being harshly judged. Rightly so. Also, to tell people he'll leave you for someone younger: Really horrible behavior. And he just may mean it if anyone else will have him. He is psychologically abusive whether he thinks so or not.

Even though this 100% his fault, and 0% yours, he has learned he can get away with these remarks. You should not have to teach him basic respect, but apparently if you don't, there is absolutely no chance this behavior of his will stop.

My ex would stare at women when were together during our 4 year courtship. At first I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. I had NEVER been treated so rudely by ANY MAN. Even my platonic male friends did not leer at women when we were out and about. So when I realized he really was doing it, I called him on it. I said, "Are you staring at that girl?" He said he was as if if "duh, so what?" I said, "WOW, REALLY??!!! That is super rude." Because he was sill trying to impress me, he pretended he would not do it anymore, but sure enough, I kept catching him doing it. I got the sense that as atrocious as this was: he really didn't know better. I said, "Haven't any of your past girlfriends ever told you that's inappropriate?" He said no. I could tell he sort of thought it was "my problem" and wasn't taking me seriously. I asked him to ask a couple of his best male friends, parents, whoever he wanted if that behavior was OK so that he didn't think I was crazy. Of course he never did, and the subject died off. Then one night we were out with friends in a pub. He started staring at this one lady in the bar SO MUCH, I saw one of our friends NOTICE him doing it. Suddenly he saw me see the friend see him stare at the girl (if that makes sense) he turned red and he knew he was in trouble. After we left I ripped him a new one. I said I'd never been so humiliated, and broke up with him. He came crawling back begging for forgiveness and said he realized it was bad behavior.

He was a cheating scum to the end and we're divorced now, but since that episode where I drew the line in the sand: He never looked at another woman in front of me for the next 10 years we were together. In other words, he COULD control it, and he did eventually "get it" that it was creepy behavior once he realized other people judged him for it. Even now when he visits, he does not gawk at women when we're out as a family.

So my point is, your husband CAN stop this behavior if you make him. How hopeless is he? How bad is his character? How trustworthy is he? Is he worth it? Or do you need a kinder man? Only you know these things.

As for MIL: Don't let low self esteem get the best of you. If she meant it badly then she's a jerk. And maybe she meant nothing by it. Either way, do not let it make you sad. My MIL was areal a-hole who said all kinds of mean things. I never cared because she was a jerk.

***btw I never gave my ex the satisfaction of seeing me take the low road by ogling other men. I was MUCH too classy for that. I confronted his bad behavior head on as HIS BAD BEHAVIOR. When we were divorcing once I said, "Who do you think I think is more attractive, George Clooney, David Gregory from Meet the Press, John Stuart, Benedict Cumberbatch, or Bradley Cooper?" He had no idea. I said, "see, you've never had to hear me go on about how gorgeous everyone is. Do you think I think our neighbor is cute?" He had no idea but he got really uncomfortable because while he traveled 90% of the time cheating left and right, the neighbor would come help me with stuff and he is a strapping body builder. I said, "See, you've never had to deal with the kind of cruelty and disrespect you dished out to me constantly." This really broke him down. Too late, granted, but he did get it. To this day he's uncomfortable running into the neighbor :)

Sounds like the husband learned his personality from his mom.

YOU are worthy of being treated with respect. Right now he isn't concerned with your feelings.

It sounds like his family is overall judgmental and superficial. If you do not like how he went on and on about this girl at college, take a moment to think about what it is that bothered you and talk to him about it.

Is your self-esteem low because of other factors or because your husband waxes poetic about other women and it hurts you? I think you need to address this head-on because if he's trying to be funny, it's not. If the two of you cannot figure out a better way to communicate then consider marital counseling to learn how to give and take and be better communicators.

If the relationship is not such that he can joke about leaving you, then that is a red flag that needs to be addressed. What bothers me more is that you follow this up with that he privately makes fun of your appearance. That tells me that something is not right here, and either it stops or you have some tough choices to make. My DH gained close to 60 lbs after the birth of our daughter (late night snacking while up with baby). I never said he was ugly. I encouraged him in his desire to lose weight and joined him on walks and embraced some of his dietary changes. Now I'm the one with a few to spare and he shoos me out of the house to go do zumba because I want to be in better shape. THAT is what your DH should be doing, not belittling you. I bet that if you're here you 1. have children and 2. are more attractive than he makes you feel and 3. he's not perfect.

I would start with him, and worry about MIL later. Possibly the apple didn't fall far and if he's shallow...If he won't go to counseling, then you go for yourself.

Your husband has told you that no one would find you attractive?

Leave him, NOW.

I would carry a small squirt bottle with me, fill it with water and every time he made those comments about the young girls, another female's looks or negative comments about me... I would squirt him.

This help correct negative behavior in my dog :-).

Other then that, I would speak up and say something to the effect of, " Darling you don't want people to start thinking students are being sexually harassed do you?"

Otherwise I would just pick up and leave the situation. Like another said, he can find his own way home and deal with the fall out.

Please know he is making the comments about leaving you and no one wanting you, bc this is really how he feels about himself.

Please, please seek counseling to repair and improve your self-esteem. It's like looking in a mirror and seeing what he believes, not what is really there....a loyal, kind, and devoted person.

Ditto B. and Diane B.

Well, if you feel hurt - you feel hurt. He's hurt your feelings repeatedly now, and his mother's comments were at best, inconsiderate.

I would think your low self esteem isn't helped by a husband who's saying you're not attractive, and who makes fun of you. He's degrading you.

What would increase your self esteem would be to stop standing for this.

I'm not sure why you are laughing it off when he talks about other women's attractiveness - call him on it. There's general comments and there's disrespectful comments - his sound like they cross the line.

No one deserves to be degraded - no one.

If you just need reassurance that it's ok to feel angry or hurt that he's being a jerk - yes it's ok to feel this way. I would too.

Your husband is an insensitive jerk. If you had a healthier sense of self and the comments did not bother you that would be one thing, but they do, and he knows that they do, and he still says them, which to me says he cares very little about how you feel. For me that would not be okay moving forward in a marriage, nor would the jokes about trading me in for a younger model, a person needs to be able to feel comfortable in the future of their marriage or it is pointless. I would suggest counseling, both for you as a couple and definitely for you as a individual. Find your back bone, figure out that you are wonderful just as you are and no one who can not see that is worth your time, and then make changes in your life to find your happiness, because only YOU can find your happy, no one else can do it for you or validate you into it.

Why do you call him your DH? There is nothing dear or darling about him, unless, of course, you are referring to him as dumb...

Yes, I'd be upset.

This is not how husbands should act. He's being a jerk. I remember one of my boyfriends in college tried to make fun of my weight (I was rail thin and in dance). I dumped him after 2 comments. Not something I'd want to hear for the rest of my life. In his case, he had learned that behavior in his home full of overweight people. Sounds like your husband learned some bad behavior from his mom. Rather than laughing next time, I'd make him feel like a jerk right then and there. Tell him in front of everyone how bad his comments make you feel. Ask the other couple if they talk like that around each other. Call him out on his bad behavior. If he doesn't stop, you need to think about whether or not you can handle this for the rest of your life. Your husband should support you and make you feel like you are the best looking gal on earth. Of course we all know there are beautiful people out there, but you should feel like a million bucks around your husband.

It's not just you. Anyone would be very upset by those comments coming from their spouse. I'd be super hurt, and angry too.

You mention you've told him this bothers you and yet he keeps doing it. So even if he thought he was being funny or if he was just clueless, he should have stopped once he heard how hurtful this is to you.

Again, I would tell him his continuing comments about attractive students crossed the line, hurt and embarrassed you.

It's a good idea to seek out some therapy for yourself. Maybe take some time away from him. If he can't treat you with love and respect, he doesn't deserve to be married to you.

Esteem is the quality of having respect and admiration for a person. Self esteem is all about respecting and admiring yourself. You can't go to another person to confirm or build you up. You must build yourself up. I used to suffer from low self esteem. When I did, I was in the worse relationship ever because I didn't respect myself enough to demand and require I be treated a certain way. When I began to do that, the relationship I was in ended. It ended it because I deserved better and would no longer be treated less than beautiful, respected, or loving.

Please work on how you feel about you. Work on how you talk to yourself. Affirm and admire yourself.

You will feel how you feel but you also have the power to change how you feel and stop being run by negative emotions, thoughts and concepts.

I loved B's answer.

Get yourself some counseling, get a hobby you love, develop friendships that could help affirm you in who you are and provide you with a support system. Life is too short and it is too difficult to live life feeling less than. Your life has purpose and meaning and value.

Your husband means what he is saying and is saying what he means. So don't take it at less than face value. When he says, "I will leave her for someone younger" believe him.

I know my words may hurt but get your house in order and be prepared for him to leave for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. Don't wait for him to leave. Get counseling and figure out what you want to do and how you want to do it and move forward.

Your husband may be setting himself off for being fired for sexual harrassement or worse.

A.

Welcome to mamapedia!! I truly hope this is NOT true!!!

From MY point of view?
1. He's NOT your "dear" husband - I would call him my Dic$head"
2. If he plays on your low self-esteem? He's NOT your partner, he's your verbally abusive husband. ESPECIALLY if he makes fun of your weight and appearance. That's a NO go in my books.

You need to get a plan in place. This is NOT a healthy marriage. ESPECIALLY if the "MIL" berates you as well.

I personally would file for divorce. I would let the school know that he is NOT appropriate with students...if you have any proof....

and then get into therapy. Work on your self-esteem and leave this POS family in the dust...

ETA - I missed the part about him making fun of your weight in private and saying no one will find you attractive. Do you have kids? If not, RUN!! If you do, still consider running. What a controlling psycho. Don't you believe him.

If you don't speak up and say - hey, enough, or - you can stop there. Or to my MIL - excuse me?? Then no one will ever know how you feel. You need to say something otherwise you are letting them walk all over you.

So sorry that you are hurt. Approach your hubby with something like - the other night, when you were talking about those girls, not only did it hurt my feelings but it made me feel really stupid in front of our friends. Your man should adore you, not be a disrespectful jackass.

As for your mother in law, put her in her place and soon. She created the monster of a son - set her straight.

I'm actually inclined to give your MIL the benefit of the doubt--she might not have intended to imply that you aren't beautiful; she was just focusing on explaining that the other SIL has blue eyes and is beautiful. Now, if she has habitually put you down or made hurtful comparisons, then she perhaps was speaking like a jerk, however just based on this one comment you have described to us, you might want to work on not taking hurt from how it came out.

Your husband's behavior is something else. His comments in public are incredibly rude and the ones in private are demeaning, abusive, and manipulative. Listen to Diane B and the others, and find a supportive counselor who will help you see through his BS. Wishing you many good things.

Like many of the posters here, I too was baffled by your reference to him as a "dh".

He's a jerk and you deserve better. If he can't see the beauty that you have to offer, then you need to find someone else who WILL appreciate you. :)

I am a very secure person, but if my husband EVER spoke to me this way, I would totally call him out on it and make it very clear that not only is he being a jerk, he's also being a creepy old man.

Further, your husband is also setting himself up for a major lawsuit, and that can affect you, too. Coming on to a college student CAN get him sued.

Tell him to knock it off, and then get yourself a good lawyer. Then, please go get some counseling for yourself. You are beautiful. You matter. Don't let ANYONE tell you differently. I wish happiness for you. Please keep us posted!

I'm pretty secure but this would bother me too. Therapy etc is a good suggestion but a shorter-term tactic would be to turn the tables. I've never let my husband think he's too good for me. We had a very cute nanny for a bit - just one day a week. I didn't mind some comments bc my husband is a good guy and very supportive of me from an ego standpoint so I'd laugh along and say I didn't blame him. But then I'd follow-up with 'of course, she has a young, hot husband you know... But give it your best shot!" Remind him that this all goes both ways. Is your husband that attractive? Unless he is, I'd start laughing at him and saying "dream on". Give him a good reality check. Pick a bad point of his and say "I'm sure that coed will pass up the studly football star for "fat, bald, saggy, whatever" you..." in a teasing way. But then this is a deeper issue you need to work on. As for your MIL, some people are very looks focused. And realistically, we are not all beautiful. My mother can be too focused on looks partly bc she's beautiful I assume. But she never had much of a career. So accept that maybe your SIL is prettier. And maybe your MIL notices that. But doesn't mean you are worth less. Take care with your appearance but make sure you're also focusing on areas you excel. Be proud of those. I'm sure your SIL isn't perfect and there are areas you outshine her. There are the few who are stunning and brilliant and highly successful but likely they have self doubts too. Don't let your MIL get you down. Say "f you" to her in your head and go on to prove how amazing a catch you are too. Plenty of men are married to beautiful women who they can't stand...

I would feel the same way and I would snap each and every time he put me down. I'm petty like that though, but I don't think you should have to put up with it.

I too have low-self esteem, having two babies and carrying around all the extra weight doesn't help. But my husband has never made any comments about my extra plush, or "tiger stripes". He's never said he'd leave me. Never gushed over some other woman in public or private. Heck, it's the middle of winter and I'm giving Mrs. Yeti a run for her money and he's still pawing at me like a teenager.

Your husband's an a$$. Sorry.

Yes, A.. I would be upset about that, and REALLY upset about the things he says to you in private, and the way his family treats you. It's totally unacceptable. You should leave him. Seriously. Counseling and a joining a fitness club will certainly be good for you, but won't do anything to change him. Get your ducks in a row, open a separate savings account and prepare yourself to leave him. You deserve better than this. Truly, I'd rather be alone than live with a man like him.

as for MIL, maybe she considers you the beautiful one with BROWN eyes (assuming you have them) or darker eyes.. etc etc..
but as for DH... geez... that would be annoying but even worse.. kinda sounds pervy... if only that young girl knew a university employee is having such thoughts.. personally. I think she'd be creeped out... I know I am...It's one thing to comment on beauty, I get that ... but then to go on and on.. not to mention to friends at the table.. after a time it does sounds like he's got the hots for this girl... won't be the first.. if he is already eyeing them now and while he may NEVER do anything about it.. it's just weird hearing that kind of talk. However, sad to say.. I don't think it's the first time that has or will happen.. both men and women do it.. I think your husband needs more tact..