Another Peg to Add to My Wall of Things My Husband Hates About Me

____@____.com what a$$hole! He should never talk to you like that and I'd tell him that if he doesn't like it he can GTFO!

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL the way you are!!!

And does he have a 6 pack, perfect hair (no receding or gray), and a charming personality himself?

NO!

He needs a good dose of his own medicine, some counseling or else you have to choose if you want to be in this abusive marriage anymore.

My husband gained about 100 pounds after we got married. A lot of factors went into it, but even after losing half that weight he is still fighting this issue. His sleep apnea is much worse. His sex drive is down. And he's horribly insecure about his weight. Yes I'd love for him to lose weight. I want him to be happy with his body. But I have to work hard to keep his self esteem up. And I wouldn't dream of putting him down. Why? Because I love him. If he is happy so am I.

What you described is completely dysfunctional. It is not love.

You need to reevaluate your reasons for staying in this relationship. You will likely have to leave him. People with those sort of emotional issues do not change easily, and they normally do not want to change.

your children are watching what you do. My father did this to my mother. I still hate him for it. We're "close" and I talk to him frequently but I still harbor a lot of bitterness for it. As for my mother, I look down on her a little because I don't understand why anyone would stay around and subject themselves to all of that. I used to pray they would get divorced from the time I was 6, so that she could find someone to actually love her and be kind to her.

As for my brother: this was the behavior that he saw and thought was acceptable. It took many years for his wife to train it out of him. To this day, he can't be around my father for extended periods of time or he reverts back.

I would get to counseling for myself to try to understand why I picked someone like this.

Then I would insist on marriage counseling together, and if he doesn't make an effort for the sake of our marriage - I'm not sure that there would be a marriage left.

Divorce is destructive thus I don't say that lightly.

Good luck - hang in there.

Since the last time you wrote nearly three months ago, have you tried counseling? Standing up for yourself? What have you done differently to help steer your life in a better direction? If the answer is "nothing" then what did you expect to change? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

You claim you don't know what to do anymore, but the answer is staring you in the face. If you've exhausted all options of trying to reconnect to your husband, and all have failed, then you need to split and go your separate ways.

If you haven't tried to get help from a third party, or tell your husband to stuff a cork in it when he starts in on you, then you haven't even started your journey yet.

Honestly, it sounds like you need marriage counseling. I would contact either a pastor at your church or some type of licensed therapist. It definitely sounds like you need a neutral third party.

It's not fair to you or your kids to have this going on. It sends your kids the wrong message.

Granted, everyone should try to be at a healthy weight for their own health and well being...also to be attractive to their spouse, but the constant badgering is probably having the opposite affect for you.

J., are you guys in any kind of therapy? I would definitely get some outside help in dealing with this. Even if he won't go please go for yourself and for your kids. This cycle of emotionally abusive behavior needs to stop. Work with a therapist to find ways to empower yourself. Find ways to change from being the stepped on wife to the powerful woman that you are! You go girl and reclaim your dignity, power, and voice!

EVERYONE deserves to be treated better than this. You have posted similar questions before and gotten good advice. Now you need to follow the advice. I hope for your sake, and for the sake of your children, you find the strength to make a change.

My stomach hangs down to my knees and I'm a newlywed with a man who loves every inch of me. This is YOUR life and you should not waste one minute of it being unhappy! If he isn't more respectful of you, I would leave and not look back. Good luck!

You can't fix what's wrong with him.
And be absolutely clear about this - he's the one who has a problem.
Even if you managed to flatten your belly (exercise or tummy tuck), he'd find something else to belittle you about.
You are trapped into a cycle of trying to please a man who will NEVER be pleased.
It can't be done - so quit trying.
You are going to have to stop caring what he thinks.
He's certainly stopped caring about YOUR feelings.
A man who loves you does not act like this.
Time to call a womens shelter and form up your escape plan.
Don't let your kids grow up thinking that this is a normal or good way to live.
It's not.

oh, my dear.
there is no silver lining here.
for your sake and the sakes of your children, who are internalizing all of this, leave.
i'm so sorry.
khairete
S.

This is his problem...not yours. You deserve better! I'd be gone!

I have two separate thoughts.
1.) Have you "let yourself go" since having kids? I know that's not a p.c. thing to say or suggest, but it is the harsh reality. I sure did when I first became a mom and have had to make a consious effort to some time and effort into my appearance even when not going to church or work. I have a friend who is a SAHM in an unhappy marriage, and she wears these frumpy jeans, her husband's tshirts, no make-up, no hairstyle, etc. One day I saw a picture of her before kids and couldn't even recognize her as the same person. I couldn't help thinking, "don't you see that your husband is missing that?" Your husband goes to work and out into the world and sees women who are putting effort into their appearance, but he's not important enough to get that at home. It may not be fair, but it is reality. There are cute clothes that are comfy. There are hairstyles that are easy to maintain. A little mascara, powder and lipgloss takes 2 minutes and goes a long way. There are cute, comfy pjs that can be attractive.
2. The way your husband is treatng you is absolutely unacceptable and is wrong. Your husband griping about the physical ways your body has changed since kids crosses the line. It's one thing to put some effort into your appearaance, it's another to demand significant changes to your physical being. Let him carry 3 babies and not have some extra pounds to deal with. in fact, it's likely not even realistic to expect your body to be what it was prior to kids...besides pregnany and hormones, you're both a few years older. His attitude is becoming emotionally abusive, and his behavior is a horrible example for your children. If he's willing to change to improve the relationship, then marital counseling is in order. If he is not committed to change, then you might want to consider making an exit plan. No one deserves to be treated the way your husband is treating you.

Like you said, the yelling and laughing at you is the bigger issue.

If he were sweet about it, I would say well, why don't you at least wear some nicer clothes and put on a little makeup, if that would make him happy. I don't think it is out of line for us to try to remain somewhat attractive to our mates.

But it sounds like his problems are much bigger than that, so I have no answer for you, other than counseling, or reading Ephie's post, which has a lot of good information.

Go see a counselor on your own so you can talk with someone who is a professional about this. Your husband is being emotionally abusive towards you and you have the right to go and get help so that you can decide how you want to proceed with your marriage. You will also need to work on your self-esteem so that you if you choose to stay in the marriage OR leave, you have the emotional strength to do it.

Also, if your kids are seeing this behavior, they are learning from it. Not only do you need to seek help for yourself, but you need to do so that you can best take care of your children's emotional needs.

I'm not sure if your husband would be willing to go with you to a couples counselor, but if so, I would take him up on it. But, for your own well being, I would see your own counselor too.

Big hugs to you. Gather your strength and go and talk with someone. You have every right to take care of yourself.

I have had a similar problem. The question is can you really split up and not look back? He is the father to your 3 kids? Can you even put the romance back in the relationship? Do you think where you would be hegoing the kids will be happier? Or is this such a bad relationship that maybe it can be tolerated and you could pick him apart cause everyone has blemishes. I wish you the best.

J., I'm sorry for you to be in such sorrow. YOU can take control of your life, and what you allow to affect you. I 100% agree he should be boosting you up and be your #1 cheerleader, but sounds like he is falling short (to put it mildly). Make his comments roll off your back, and do what YOU need to do to make YOU happy. If it is walking around the block, then great! If it is reading a good book, then great! Take care of yourself! Focus on the good energy in your life and shut out the negative.