Working on My Relationship with My Ex

Sorry - but there is no severed ties. You have children together - your lives will be intertwined. Does this mean that you can't go to a soccer game or baseball game if they are at their dad's that weekend? I DON'T THINK SO!!!

Sounds like you guys would do great by having a family therapy. Getting past the anger and resentment and learning how to communicate and co-parent...you will have to co-parent together.

Tell him to grow up and realize that just because you are divorced doesn't mean your lives are not intertwined. It will happen until the day you die. Marriages, grand babies, graduation(s), life - it happens. He needs to get in touch with reality and realize there is no severing of ties. You have children together.

I would remember that your relationship with your ex, and his new spouse, will evolve over time. You don't have complete control over that relationship, but you do have the ability to influence that relationship through your actions. In other words, if you "show up" differently, he will have to respond differently. You can't insist that he see the two of you as co-parents immediately, but you can proceed as a co-parent.

The realities of two households, with kids going back and forth, takes cooperation and coordination (and sometimes a lot of biting of tongue...). If homework, sports equipment, or favorite sneakers are left at one house, they need to be returned. If a child has a school event, either or both parent will attend as able. When school conferences happen, both (or even all) parents should be talking with the teachers. Medical issues will need to be discussed, etc., etc. This takes regular communication between parents.

Again, I would take the long-term approach. In my experience, people sometimes make "proclamations" that can not be supported by reality as time goes on. He may be feeling and expressing a need to separate and is projecting that on the kids' lives. Be the best, most consistent, most communicative, most cooperative co-parent you can be for your childrens' sakes and your ex may gradually come to see the need and benefit of "overlapping" lives.

Oh boy.
Even if you don't like each other or can't stand each other, lives overlap when there are kids involved. That's just the way it is.
I went through a very bitter divorce so it's not easy, but the children DO have two parents and even though they might not live together anymore, you can't tell your kids the relationship is "severed".

There is a wonderful book that was recommended for us:
"My Life Turned Upside Down, But I Turned It Rightside Up" by Mary B. Field.
It addresses having two homes and how it's not right for one parent to say this or that about the other. It's written for children, but I believe every parent who is divorced should read it. And, read it with the kids.

In California, we are required to take Children of Divorce Workshops as part of our dissolution proceedings. And, we can request mediation if things aren't working well or we need assistance with changes.
I think you need some family sessions since things are changing so fast as far as changes in family dynamics.
You and your ex need to work on helping the kids cope....even if he doesn't believe it's necessary.

Best wishes to you.

P.S. ~ Get the book I mentioned.

"The Glass Castle"; it will make him look like a gem compared to the whack job father in the book.

it sounds like you have a great attitude about it which is amazing. the #1 piece of advice i'd give (from a child of divorce) is to never badmouth him to the kids, no matter what. unfortunately it will all come out in the wash. if ten years from now dad's life is a wreck because of choices he's made, your kids will still have your stability and that's what they'll remember as adults.

like i said it sounds like you have a great attitude so keep it up and just be there for them. it sounds like you're already handling this the best way you can. there's no way to make the process pain-free.

Were parenting classes required at the time of your divorce/custody hearing? If not, can you get him to agree to one?

You very much need to co-parent even if you aren't friends. Although your kids will have a life with each of you they do overlap. The two of you divorced not the kids so their lives should not have to be completely split and a parenting class would help reiterate that for both of you (seems like you already get it but still). How does his girlfriend feel? Is she ok w/ interacting with you for the good of the kids? If so, that can help your goal if not it can definately hinder it.

I actually believe that you should keep everything separate. You are divorced and both have different lives now. Not that that is to say you are to not talk or anything, but I don't think its in the kids best interest for you and him to do things with them together. It needs to be clear that you are not getting back together. I think its great that you are "friends" with his gf, its important that you don't fight and work hard to get along. My husband and I both have ex's and kids with them so I am speaking from experience. My ex takes our kids every other weekend and his holidays and doesnt bother with anything else. My husbands ex is the ex from hell. Fights about every single little thing. Its just wrong and affects the kids. So just keep open communication with the kids and be happy that he is with someone who is good to them and they like. Good luck!!!

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I think he is just asserting their independence. Once the kids start doing sports and other activities he will want to be there alongside you and the new wife. I would sit down with her and have along talk about what she sees as the outcome in the future. She may be the little voice in his head and she may not be.

•Me and my X finally got are divorce in July. An I got married shortly after. To be fair me an my X had been seperated for 2yrs or going throw it.
•But I think separent lifes is probably best, Would help the kids. To understand your not going to be 2gether. And that daddy/mom has a new life and there love in both house holds.
•I can image its alil harder with your 3children an them being alil older an understand. More than my 2yr olds.

But I do think he has a point, but not on Bdays or the kids occasions that should be 2gether. I think so.
Sorry, though. I hope it gets easier. :-)

I guess it depends on what "separate" means and what "overlap" means. Do whatever will make life happier and easier for the kids. The adults can learn to live with whatever, but kids have a harder time not having things the way they want. If they want all the adults to come to their birthday party then all adults should be there. If they want it separate, then do it separate. Same with games, school events, etc.

Don't ever talk badly about your ex or his girlfriend. That was the worst for me growing up. Don't drill them about what they did when they are with him. Just show your kids how much you love them and remind them that the other adults love them too. Even complimenting them to your kids will help them. If you compliment them to their face in front of your kids, you will let them know that you are not in a competition but just being positive for the kids' sake.

So sorry to hear your story.

I've heard various comments. One comment was that it was rude of the dad to bring his girlfriend to the son's soccer game.

The other comment is to not speak ill of your ex, or if you do, do so out of ear shot of your kids. You can hope your ex will keep likewise such comments about you to himself. This "putting down" the ex stuff really tears at the kids.

I agree that "things are changing so fast." Express your concern for the kids sake, emphasizing that this is not about yourself!

Hoping for the best for you all.