Hello Ladies
I just want to know how normal my situation is. My boyfriend of 7 months is in constant (text) communcation with his x wife of 15 years. They have one biological daughter together (15 years old) and have 3 others from differnt marriages. Ok so you have the backround there. The problem I face is that they (the x and him) are constantly texting eachother, example me and my bf went to a concert and he got a picture with the singer he immediately sends the picture to his x ( it was about 1130 pm) but instead of enjoying his time with me he immediately has to share things with her. Is that normal? another example she goes to a movie with his daughter she texts him before during and after. She goes to a store she texts him do you need anything? He calls her babe still which totatlly bothers me but if he needs something he tells her and she gets it. ( I am ALWAYS asking him if he needs anything that i will get it for him) He spends the night with me every night so I know hes not with her. I truely believe they are not sleeping together but their intimate relationship (texting is really bothersome) yes I have told him it bothers me his response first he gets defensive and pissed off and says that will NEVER CHANGE he doesnt want to give up his close relationship with her and never will. So what do I do just leave it be? for peace sake?
I really appreciate all the insight you ladies have given me the good and the bad. I have yet to decide what to do. I am also seeking the advice of some male friends. I love him more than I have ever loved any man in my life which is why i cant just walk away. I have never laughed with anyone as much as I do with him. I am still weighing things out my head says get out now my heart keeps pulling me back. Believe ladies I am so torn. I still will appreciate any all insight thank you all so much
Why are you dating him? He isn't "over" her and probably never will be. They have a 15 year history together and it sounds like an ameniable divorce.
He probably isn't the one who wanted it in the first place.
I say run now and don't look back.
Yes, leave....text him Bye Bye BABE! You have just wasted 7 months you'll never get bac! Stop All communication.
Blessings....
.
why are you still with him?! he obviously is hung up on her for some reason.I would not stand for that if i was in a relantionship and if he didnt stop..BYEBYE. i would get rid of him..unless you like being the "5th wheel" of sorts.
Cut your losses and get out of the relationship now. He's clearly not over her, I don't care what he says.
I've seen all kinds of relationships in my six decades, including life-long deep friendships between former spouses. Some are healthy and some are not. From what you describe, your bf's relationship with his ex sounds pretty healthy. They divorced, will probably never want to live together again, and yet are fast friends who understand each other well. This is less likely to put stress on newer relationships for either party than a state of constant acrimony with the ex.
It also sounds pretty healthy to me that he won't be owned or controlled by another person. I don't see that as selfish. To me, that would actually indicate he could make a good life partner, but I don't have issues with jealousy, and I recognize that some people do.
So it's up to you. If you have feelings of insecurity or jealousy and are constantly in a state of unhappiness over this, then you would probably be happier to find a different boyfriend. And he would probably be happier to find another girlfriend.
I think it's time to move on. You can't change people and you probably aren't going to change him. So you either live with it like this, or you leave. Pretty simple.
I think it's strange. There is way too much familiarity for a relationship that has ended. It's too comfortable. Yes he should be cordial and be in good communication with her b/c of the kids, etc.
If he is unwilling to change I don't think you should stay with him. It's really easy for me to say that, but the reality is people don't just get together and break up quite that easily. But it doesn't sound as if he sees it as problematic and doesn't seem concerned enough to change even though he knows it bothers you, those are bigger issues to me. If he doesn't rely on you, doesn't want to share things with you first, then that's a problem. If you can move on and be okay without him, then do it. Otherwise you'll have to learn to accept it.
If you don't like the idea of your boyfriend being in close touch with the mother of his child(ren) then you had best get out now. They share kids, that's for life. It's not going to change, nor should it. Good luck!
p.s. Your head is usually the thing to listen to, not your heart. You will find a WHOLE man to laugh with and love.
He's is having an emotional affair and is being extremely selfish. You've got to act on this, because he is making it clear to you that he will not.
Normally, I would recommend that you set an ultimatum, but you guys have been together for only 7 months! That is a baby of a relationship. Leave - just leave, and tell him exactly why you are out: you are stepping aside so that he can focus on his ex, and so that you can find someone who wants to be with you and only you, so you feel you are not competing with his "babe" he calls his ex.
He's being ridiculous and stupid - but don't you be stupid too by just sitting there while all this is happening right in your face. Get up and leave, and find someone else who is worth your time. Good luck.
He's not going to change, I would get out now. I would be bothered by it too. I have a friendly relationship with my daughter's bio dad but it's nothing like that. We only text about our daughter and that's usually only every other week, very brief texts. Sorry, but I think you should move on. You'll have to deal with this forever.
This is a no-win situation for you. He's telling you loud and clear that the relationship with her "will NEVER CHANGE". Your only questions should be, "Is this the way I want to feel for the rest of my life?" Being civil to an ex is admirable, being emotionally intertwined and denying it loudly and rudely is NOT. For whatever reason, he's not letting go, period. Like it or lump it. Your choice now. Don't think this man will be nicer to you after you're more deeply involved, quite the contrary. You're not respected now. How special does he make you feel? This is as good as it's going to get with him, so run in the opposite direction as fast as you can.
If those two are still in constant everyday texting contact and for normal everyday routines... they are in arrested development and have not moved on, truly. They are still 'involved.'
Thus, he is not fair, in having another relationship or being in another relationship, until he can separate his 2 lives. Which he can't and will not do.
Why the heck are those two not together anymore? They still seem SO close and involved.
Text him... tell him bye-bye. Unless you just want to be his bed partner.
all the best,
Susan
Oh dear this is a touchy subject. I think you have the answer in your question "he says that will never change he doesn't want to give up his close relationship with her and never will". However you reason this out, you will never have him totally to yourself it was set up that way from the get go it seems. My advice to you. Find another boyfriend that is into you and your kid. You deserve the best. Good luck!
If you are okay with the relationship that they have, and are only bothered by the texting, tell him that. That while you don't mind their relationship, when he is with you, you would like him to be "with you". I would also ask that she not run errands for him. If the relationship itself bothers you, then I think you need to end it, because it doesn't sound like he is willing to change that.
I would get out o that mess as soon as possible.
He told you it's never going to change...so it's never going to change. I think it's nice for a man to be friendly with the mother of their children...but this is over the top. In my opinion....it's only a matter of time before they decide they want to be going to the movies and concerts together again then sharing it via text.
I have a friend in this situation.
Her boyfriend is long divorced and although he has no biological children with his ex, she had kids from a previous marriage. They are grown now.
My friend gets very frustrated because they can't go anywhere on a trip or to dinner without the ex-wife calling or texting or wanting something. He always takes her calls or pulls over in the car to text her right back.
My friend doesn't mind them being in contact, but if they go out to dinner, for instance, he will be on the phone or texting his ex the whole time while she sits there like she's having dinner by herself.
It would be nice if once in a while he would say, "Can't talk right now, I'll get back to you later", but he never does. I personally think the ex does a lot of it out of spite. She'll call to say her lawnmower won't start or ask what kind of batteries her smoke detector needs. Things like that.
Anyway, the truth of the matter is that the boyfriend and ex are still very much in a "relationship" and I don't think that's ever going to change.
My friend really loves this man, but I've told her that if she's not happy with the way things are, she needs to do what she needs to do for herself. They aren't married and she certainly could find someone who would at least be "present" with her on a date or planned vacation, etc. At least that's my opinion.
Exes getting along is great. That's how it should be. But, if they aren't ready to move on to an extent when it comes to other relationships, it's best to stay out of the middle of it and avoid the frustration and being hurt.
Again.....my opinion.
He's already told you things will never change so you either have to learn to put up with it or find someone who can still be devoted to his kids and treat his ex well while placing some type of priority on your relationship as well.
Best wishes.
It sounds like the boundaries are pretty well blurred for him by his long relationship and co-parenting.
If you want to try to have a real relationship with him, instead of being an "extra," sit down and explain that while you wholeheartedly support his involvement, if he is wanting to have a real relationship with his new girlfriend, then he needs to set boundaries with the ex and for himself, and he needs to come to see and rely on you as his partner, not his ex. It's one thing to co-parent, and even be friends, but this is way beyond that. It really sounds like he is getting most of his needs, outside of sex, from his ex, and you should let him know that that is not your idea of a relationship. Try to be non-confrontational about it, and be prepared to exit the relationship if he's not willing to change. Otherwise, you'll be the "extra." If he can't give you what you need, find someone who can.
He has the best of both worlds--he has YOU for the needs that she cannot provide and he has HER for the needs that you cannot provide. For him, it's a win-win situation. He's got his cake and he's eating it too. If you are happy with this type of relationship, then great; but if not, then move on (I think you deserve a whole lot better:) Three's a crowd.
M.
Unfortunately C.,
He doesnt want to let go of his x and be entirely with you, which is not normal or fair to you for that matter, I understand 15 years is a lot, and they will have a close relationship is obvious, still, this texting and sharing is beyond close, I see it as intimate, and you can't have an intimate relationship with two people at once. If he wont let go of that, then I think its better for you to just walk away. It is already too complicated and that brings drama, and you dont want to live through that for someone who is not 100 % committed to you. Think about it. Good Luck
He already told you that he doesn't want to change his relationship with his ex. If it's something you are not willing to accept as is then leave. At least he's being honest and up front with you instead of saying he'll stop and then sneaking around behind your back.
And yes that situation is not normal. He should be having contact with her because of the kids but seriously if he wanted to share the concert with her then he shouldn't have gone with you. That was just rude.
