Why Am I So Attached to This House?

Real estate is bought and sold out of emotion. Trust me, I know, I am a Realtor. I find that when I cannot make a decision I make a pro/con list. This may be a very simple way of getting to an answer without the emotional backing.

HAHAHAHA well this is a different post! hahaha.
This is hard. Let me tell you a bit of me:
"met my husband, 12 years ago. married 3.5, bought a home b/c of children, sold it, yada yada moved here. Bought my "dream home" since I couldn't have a ring, wedding, honeymoon, etc., so I figured well, if I couldn't have any of that, let me have my "dream home". Now after two years, I have to sell it because it has gotten too costly for us. Unfortunately we went into this house being snowed in with a huge financial burden that was secretly lying in wait.....a flooding basement and among other things, they were not disclosed in the contract as well. So after two years of fighting with lawyers and what not, we are forced to leave. So here I sit, depressed really, to know through this madness, I haven't gained anything-not to say that I am being materialistic here, but after being with someone for twelve years-it's alot to "just take it", with no anniversaries, birthdays, mothers day is even a joke. Acceptance after all these years is annoying when you are constantly surrounded by other ladies and moms flaunting everything they have. So-with that- I am selling my home, because I know what's best for the family,despite my feelings that I have kept under wraps for so long.
So while this may be different-as far as not having memories in the house you grew up in , maybe you may have better luck rebuilding new memories in a new home. And that's is how I am looking at it too. I don't know if this helps, but it's something.

:-)(mom of 4)

Have you thought about renting out your childhood house and moving? This would allow you to still hold on to the house while making life a little better for everyone else. Also, you would have the option of coming back if you decide that that is where you really want to be.

Dear L.,
I am writing because at one time I also thought I wanted to keep my childhood home in the family and like you I didn't really have a lot of fond memories there. Maybe you just have a false sense of obligation to keep the house in the family. Or maybe there are underlying emotional issues. It does seem as though it's very inconvenient for your family to continue to live there. It would probably be a good idea to discuss this with someone who knows you well and can explore all the issues with you. I can't really give you an answer to your question except to say that I definitely don't think it is wrong for you to want to sell the house you grew up in. I think it's important,though, that you're comfortable with your decision.

Hi again! I wrote the above answer and then I read the other answers you received, which contained a lot of good advice and ideas. One of the ideas I just love and can't believe I didn't think of is taking pictures of everything! I am a Creative Memories Consultant. I help people organize their photos and digital images and put them in beautiful, photo-safe albums. I would love to help you if this is something you would like to do. You can contact me through my website: www.mycmsite.com/karenblumer.

When I met my husband he was military and he got out. We bought a home and lived the civlian life for 5years, until he went back in and we had to move again.
I had a very hard time leaving my home our first home we bought. We decided to rent it out then sell.
Nobody could understand why I cared if the landscaping was kept up or what the inside looked like after our tenants moved in. Of course we have a wonderful woman,her daughter and granddughter that live there.
I guess what I am trying to say after long talks with my great husband of ten years, is that, that house is mine and I put love, sweat, and tears into the lawn and in the inside. I hoped that she and her family had great memories as I do.
You have fond memories and I can understand that but it's only a house. All the memories come from your girls and family, which will go wherever you will. Good Luck....

Because as much as you want to change, change is not only hard, it is scary. You have never lived anywhere else (or so it seems from your story) so you are clinging to what you know and what feels comfortable.
If you want to move, put that house on the market and find another home to call your own. It doesn't have to be shinny new...you can find beautiful older homes as well. The important thing is to make a decision and stick to it no matter how much you begin to second guess yourself. In my experience I ususually just end up in trouble if I change my mind after making big decisions! LOL So, GO FOR IT!! Good luck and best wishes!

Hey, L. - I just wanted to weigh in with my thoughts because I can relate to being attached to a house and the memories (good and bad) that it holds. One way I've found to capture what I remember - and what is special to me - is by creating a photobook or coffee table book. Since you enjoy photography, it might help to capture images (and use ones from your past) to commemorate that house. It also helps to think about creating new memories with your family in a new house. Seeing a new house through the eyes (memory) of your children in the years to come might help you get excited about the possibilities!

As a residential Realtor, I see this all the time. It is natural to be attached but I urge you to ask yourself are you attached to the memories or the house. If it is the memories, just realize they will always be yours. No one can ever take them away from you. Depending on your reason for even thinking about moving, it is important to have a clear objective and goals that you can constantly reflect on. Moving is a major event in your life that should never be taking lightly. Good luck with whatever you decide.

It's natural for the house you grew up in to feel familiar. And any kind of change can be tough, but esp. emotionally laden change like this. Maybe by raising your kids in the house you grew up in, you are working in some way to revise or erase the difficult childhood memories by replacing them with good memories of your children's childhood. I'd suggest making a scrap book perhaps: taking pictures of your house inside and out, write down stories of good memories you do have their (both of your own and your children's childhoods), ask your siblings (if you have any) to share their memories with you and your children and your husband to do the same, and make it all into a scrapbook. If it feels like you may be using your house a sign of love or a connection to your parents or trying to revise your own childhood memories or a symbol of the fact that you are in charge of your life now and your parents are no longer in charge and able to hurt you, then you may also need to go over the bad memories. It might be painful but might allow you go free yourself from them enough to move on a bit. Even if you don't share them with anyone it may be helpful. If your hubby or friends of yours will help you talk through these things that would be great. Doing something like this to say goodbye to the house before you put it on the market may help you be able to follow through on a sale. Also, ask yourself which is more important: remaining in your past or creating a wonderful future with your husband and children. Unfortunately you can't chose both. And so far, because of the emotional issues wrapped up in owning that house, you've been chosing your past. The question is: do you still want to make that choice? ((hugs and good luck))

Hey, L..
Your house is an inanimate object. Do not let it define you. Do not teach your girls that material things are part of your soul. Even if you had nothing but happy memories there, it is OK to move to a bigger nicer house as a gift to your husband and kids. If you feel guilty keeping them there, then it probably is a selfish thing to do. It hurts to change sometimes, but the rewards are great. Sounds like you need to free yourself of the house on many levels. Show your family you shine in any house. Home is where your heart and family are.
a m y

Hello L.
I can sort of relate to your situation as I too, bought the home I am in from my mother. However, I live 10 minutes from work, the home is large enough for me and my partner ( our children are grown and having children of their own) and although there were some sad times I have very good memories.
Perhaps, it is not an attachment to the house as much as it is a fear of change (which we all have), the house is an excuse to hide behind. Everything has a time and a purpose in life. The fact that your husband has a long commute and the home is small are indications that you could use a different location to live you life and raise your children. Instead of focusing on the house, embrace the new opportunities that the move will bring to you and your family. It is ok to be nervous and have anxiety, recognize it, then break out of your comfort zone...you will be surprised at how liberating it can be. And don't beat up on yourself, maybe you were not supposed to move before, maybe now is the better time for you and your family.
We are better equipped to handle change when we are informed and prepared.
Best of luck to you.
L. P

L.,
I think your heart holds the answer. What do you really want? Don't look in your head, look in your heart. What you really want is in your heart.
You must remember that the past no longer exists, and the future will never arrive. You only have the present to live.
I think it's telling that one of the things about you is "I live in the house I grew up in." This seems to be part your identity, what you think makes you uniquely you. So you would not be parting with brick and stone, but may have the feeling that you would be selling part of yourself.
On our spiritual journey, one of the aspects of growth is non-attachment. Our attachments limit us. I'm not suggesting you sell in order to spiritually grow, but if you sell, you will experience growth and a letting go of the past or attachments, including what you think identifies you.
Get really still, and ask yourself, from your heart, what do you really want. And listen for the response. The head will speak first and scream. But wait.... wait for the quiet, calm, serene voice to tell you want you really want.
Good luck with your choice,
B. E

I understand also. And to say that things aren't memories..sounds good..but I think isn't always true. I love all my things that were my grandmother's and parents.

My grandmother lived in her house for 75 years. The house my father grew up in. I took care of my grandmother for her last 3 years of life. I had so many memories of her house. It was so hard to sell it after she died. My parents also have lived in their house for 45 years. I still go there 3 times a week with my children. It is the house I grew up in.

One of the best things I ever did was...before I sold my grandmother's house..I went around and took photos of her house. Black and white and color. Everything was exactly as she always had it.....I took photos of everything..all the little things...the wallpaper..the doorknobs..the wooden doors..her house was beautiful..I look at those photos and treasure them. They help me remember all the little things. Good luck!

You need to let go of the past. It seems like your searching for closer from bad memories. Create a new beginning in a new home with the family.

Hi L.,
I agree with JB. Perhaps you feel that you are would be somehow betraying your past (your parents?) by selling. I also don't know if there is pressure from the rest of the family to keep the house.

One thing to keep in mind is that your "things" are not your memories. (I heard this on Oprah... so it has to be good!) They had an expert on the show who helps people declutter or transition their homes after a loss. The couple had lost a child to cancer and they couldn't bear to change the child's room. The expert helped them identify a few items with positive memories that they saved and even put in a place of honor. Then, they transitioned the room so it suited their needs.

Maybe you could do something like this to get yourself ready to sell the house. Two hours is an awfully long commute for your husband - precious time away from the family.

Don't be too hard on yourself. When we moved from our apartment into a lovely house, we also felt some growing pains... and you've got more emotional attachment.

One last thought - a friend of mine was in the same situation. She always wanted to move, yet she never did. She is now at retirement age and really regrets that she didn't go for it.

Good luck!

Hi L.,

There is nothing wrong with being attached to a certain place. For generations, people have stuck close to home and made community and social life dependent on their house/small town/community. this is normal and independence and "moving on" is an American phenemenon. Think of other countries where people can count back the number of generations of family members who have lived in the same home.

Recently my grandparents sold their house. All my positive memories of family are from this home, and I wanted to purchase it desparately. It would be a major shift for us, though, moving to the city, leaving our more rural life. IN the end we decided not to but I do think it is a decision I'll always regret a bit. I love the idea of kids and family reunions, all occurrsing in the places where I can told stories (your grandma blah blah blah in front of this fireplace).

Don't feel materialistic, and don't feel bad about being attached to the house. Sounds to me like maybe desire memories, community, and a deep social fabric. If the house gets in the way of doing what you truly want, though, time to really consider whether those things are worth it. There is no "right" or "wrong" here - its all about you and your family.

Good luck, I know how emotional these things can be

j

Hi L. it sounds to me like you have a bond with this house. Perhaps it is the feeling of security. I bet you can close your eyes and picture every tree, street corner, neighbor play yard friends and more importantly your home. Wow, how nice is that? When it comes to memories and whether we have fond ones of our child hood we pick and choose. Sometimes what we choose is to leave the things that remind us of times we really had difficulty with so we move on. It sounds like you have your own memories with this home that belong to you your husband and your girls. Most importantly it sounds like you are happy there. Pep

HI L., It seems to me that you are hung up on your internal "shoulds" versus what you really want. You are the only one that feels that you should stay in the house you grew up. Do you think others will be judging you? You need to do what is best for your family, reducing your husband's commute, you will be creating a better family environment and creating your own new memories in your new home. Just because you don't live there, your memories will not be erased. Let go, Good luck!

i understand, if i lived in the house i grew up in and/where my parents still live in, I would have a very hard time seeing it go.
Just thinking about not being able to visit my parents in there house makes me sad. they have been there for over 40 years adn we have so many memories and now we take our kids over and make more.

Its just a thing!! You can always drive past it after it is sold.

Hi L.,

What you are feeling is completely normal. It's called "seller's remorse". You are having a difficult time letting go of the house because you are afraid of the unknown. There are steps you can take to make the process of selling your house a smooth one. Finding a home closer to your husbands work and a better place for your children to grow up doesn't have to be a painful experience. Do you think you may feel guilty for selling the house since it was originally your parents? When you bought the house, was the expectation that you wouldn't sell it? Do you feel as though your mother would expect you to pass the house down to your children? These are all things that you might be struggling with and don't even know it. I see this a lot. My husband and I are both Realtor's with Coldwell Banker Preferred. We see the emotional roller coaster that some of our clients go through when they buy and sell. Once the transaction is complete, they are happy and excited to move on in their new home. If you would like to talk about this more, I would be happy to speak with you. I could provide you information about the market in your area as well as the area you are thinking about moving to. At the very least, I can share some of the my experiences with you to reassure you that you are not crazy. This is normal, may people go through it. Please visit my website to obtain my number if you would like to chat offline. www.cgwiley.com Have a good night! G.

Hi L., I' sorry this isn't about your question, but I wanted to know what kind of work at home business you do? Thanks, Barb

Hi L.,
"memories, like the colors of my mind...misty watercolored memories...of the way we were".

These song lyrics bounced into my head when I was reading your note.
The memories are all there...but not really...that's where they were made, but they reside in your heart. They will always be in your mind and heart no matter where you go.

My first house was purchased 2 miles from my childhood home and I lived there 20 years. My childhooh home will be up for sale this coming summer since Mom can no longer reside there.
It is sad and the closing of a chapter in my life. I will no longer be able to " go home".

The GOOD news is that I have made a couple of moves and they have all been for the better with lots of new beginnings.
9 of the 10 things about you will remain the same.
The 10 th will be "I picked out my new home" and I love it!

Change comes in a varity of ways and sometimes it is not the change we expect. Bottom line, it is always the one we need.
Blessings!
Justine

I love your 10+ list. I am also a red head (ok maybe more strawberry blond now) with freekles. Honestly, I would wait for the market to turn around before putting your house up. You might get frustrated if it doesn't sell right away. Good Luck!

Jen

Hello L.-
It sounds like you are attached to the home because you do have memories there. I'm not sure what your childhood or adulthood relationship is like with your parents, but it may be that even tho your house memories aren't fond...they're your memories. Something concrete to hang onto. Or maybe its that you want to create a home for your family that you dreamed your childhood family had and in that picture is your childhood home. It would be my stranger advice to choose to let it go. It sounds like every circumstance in your life points toward a better nuclear family life. I would put a 110% into your nuclear family without any possible regrets. As adults we struggle for justifcation and change of the wrongs done to us as children. As adults tho we need to find healing through different means and refocus on the present time to take care of our current family...which sounds that you love to do it. Therefore, try to transition your memories and relationships into a new area of your life and not to your home. For instance, make a scrapbook of your childhood memories or of your current family memories in the home. Reach out to any relationships you want to improve outside of the home. Anything that will transfer your home feelings to movable relationships that transcend specific objects. I hope this makes sense and Good Luck!! Oh, one more thing, if you decide to put your house up for sale make sure it is exactly what you want to do. Be absolutely committed and run with it. Make it fun to look for new homes, schools, and community with your children and husband.

Maybe you feel a sense obligation to hold onto the house because your afraid if you sell, all the memories will be gone also?

Sometimes it is all about change. Is it that you weren't ready to sell the house or was it that you weren't ready to make such a big change to your life. I suggest you go to some open houses in the area you would like to move to. Perhaps if you look at other houses, you might find that you really do want to move. If you see what you could have, it might help you let go. At the same time, remember that it is not just your childhood memories you would be leaving behind. It is also the memories you and your husband have made in the house with your children. Then there are your children's friends and school(s). This could all be weighing on your subconscious, too. So to help ease any anxiety being caused by this (either conscious or subconscious) check out what the different areas you are interested in moving to will have available for your children. Set up a time to visit the schools, the recreation centers or some of the other activities that your children might be involved with in the new area. It might help you to feel less anxious about moving, might make you consider other areas to move to, or it might make you understand what it is about where you are that you like.

Overall, I guess I am saying to explore why you might have decided you wanted to stay and see if that is what you really want given all of your options.

Good luck. Hope my ramblings help you.

Life is very funny. You probably have more good memories than you think - it's the bad ones that stick out in our minds. This house for you is like the little things our parents give us that we hold on to. For example, I still have a wind chime which I absolutely hate but it was my mothers so I can't seem to let it go. Now my kids play with it. I think that once we realize we take with us wherever we go, wherever we are the memories, the love, the wisdom, the laughter then we can truly let go. This house will always be apart of you even when you're not in it. Right now, your family and your husband are your life, soul and happiness. Focus on them and the rest will work itself out. Good Luck!!!

I completely understand and wish I had an answer! The house we live in was my grandparents house, my mom and I lived her after my parents divorced and moved back in when my grandparents passed. She got the house when my pop passed and sold it to me a couple of years ago. We are rapidly outgrowing the house and the neighborhood is detoriorating around us, but I can't seem to find it in myself to sell! I think there is something about it being your childhood home...fond memories or not it is where you started and want to share that with your family. Everyday there is something in the house that reminds me of my grandparents and my mom, maybe I'm afraid I will lose those memories if we leave? Something like that for you maybe? Good luck figuring it out! Maybe someday we'll both get up the courage to give up the past for a brighter future!