Why?????? - Lincoln,NE

Here's another, less painful way to look at it. The most emotionally healthy people I know recognize two things: they ARE black / blonde / Polish / fat / wrinkled / gay / handicapped / whatever, and people using language that denigrates whatever they are are simply being ignorant / insensitive / mean-spirited / humorous. The language doesn't change anything or make the situation any better or worse. We have choices about what we feel. It's a decision. Really.

My 4.5yo grandson notices every few weeks that I am old, that I have wrinkles, that my belly is fat, that I can't run as fast as him, that I make mistakes or forget things – sometimes we joke about it. Sometimes we have serious conversations about the differences between people, and how to be more sensitive. I sometimes point out that he's short, that I can pick him up but he can't pick me up, that he doesn't know how to read very well yet. It's all very cool.

You have to EDUCATE them, some people honestly don't know, and until one is in a situation, they will not be able to understand. So you really should have not argued with them on FB, but you should have taken that opportunity to educate them on what you deal with daily.

For me, it's not the word (any word) but the intention behind it. When I was growing up "retarded" was the "special needs" change from "slow". As in, people were intentionally TRYING to use it to be kind. (To retard something, retard is or rather WAS a verb, means to slow it down). Of course, slow was the retarded/special needs from stupid, and stupid was the slow/retarded/special needs from, etc./so forth/ so on.

In 15-20 years Special Needs will be what Retarded is now. ((In fact, people are ALREADY scorning & using "Special Needs" as a derogative, especially middle & highschoolers, and it's 50/50 on the college campuses I've been on whether or not SN is a derogative word)). When SN becomes a pure insult, about 5 years will pass while people try and come up with a new non-associated word (remember the whole handi-capable thing?), and a bunch of words and phrases will get tried out, until one is chosen by general use / lack of mocking.

People (as a species) will always fear the unknown, strange, & unfamiliar. So there will always, always, always be bigots... who believe that only THEIR way is the right way.

Gee... I'm just the little bluebird of happiness, aren't I?

On the upside... people have been fighting bigotry, probably since it's invention. One of my favorite poems is by Rudyard Kipling, doing JUST that:

We & They
Father and Mother, and Me,
Sister and Auntie say
All the people like us are We,
And every one else is They.
And They live over the sea,
While We live over the way,
But-would you believe it? --They look upon We
As only a sort of They!

We eat pork and beef
With cow-horn-handled knives.
They who gobble Their rice off a leaf,
Are horrified out of Their lives;
While they who live up a tree,
And feast on grubs and clay,
(Isn't it scandalous? ) look upon We
As a simply disgusting They!

We shoot birds with a gun.
They stick lions with spears.
Their full-dress is un-.
We dress up to Our ears.
They like Their friends for tea.
We like Our friends to stay;
And, after all that, They look upon We
As an utterly ignorant They!

We eat kitcheny food.
We have doors that latch.
They drink milk or blood,
Under an open thatch.
We have Doctors to fee.
They have Wizards to pay.
And (impudent heathen!) They look upon We
As a quite impossible They!

All good people agree,
And all good people say,
All nice people, like Us, are We
And every one else is They:
But if you cross over the sea,
Instead of over the way,
You may end by (think of it!) looking on We
As only a sort of They!

Poor Kipling... he has dozens and dozens of poems trying to get people to look at things through the underdog's eyes, but terribly taught english lit classes all over the country he's maligned from coast to coast.

My mother is a retired special education teacher, and from a young age I can remember that she forbid the word "retard" in our house. She always said that words are powerful and can hurt people deeply. Her favorite saying is "But for the grace of God," which she used to tell us that it was chance, a twist of fate, that we were born healthy or that we were able to grow up healthy or that ours was a healthy, loving family while other children were not so lucky through no fault of their own. I hope I can teach my children the same message.

You chose the right word. These people are "ignorant." They genuinely don't know any better, or they don't think it through. They haven't been taught. People who call someone a retard are ignorant of the hurt it causes not only people who are truly special needs but also their families. People who call gay people the "f" word are ignorant that hatred breeds hatred, and that every human being deserves respect (no matter what that person's personal beliefs about homosexuality may be). I could go on, too, but this is turning into a longer post than I had intended. My point is that, while many may not agree with you, I do agree that choosing to be loving and respectful is ALWAYS the best choice.

You have to tell them it bothers you. One of my good friends have a son that is autistic and she makes excuses for him becaus people give her a hard time. I make sure to tell her EVERYTIME I see him how cute and fun he is. He really is one of the sweetest boys I know and I love to be around him...but you have to educate people to not be so ignorant. And making fun and calling someone a "retard" has never been funny - so I'm not sure why your friends think it is.

People do this out of ignorance and fear. You are absolutely right...we are ALL God's children, made in his image. To make fun of someone is, in my humble opinion, the same as making fun of God. Perhaps they need you to give them a gentle reminder.

Don't worry...what goes around comes around and these folks will get their just rewards.

Hang in there...

my grandmother always told me, "if they knew better, they would do better". Some people really don't know any better! Even though they are "grown". and some do and just don't care. But i guess in this situation you have to take the power out of that word. I am a black woman, I have been the N word more times then i can count by other races just for walking in the area that they are in or just because they think that makes them look good and it used to make me mad but I had to stop and think one day.The supposed definiton of a nigga is a stupid ignorant,dumb, black person, but here it is i don't judge others by the color of threre skin and just because they are a different color and they do wrong by me doesn't force me to call them a racial slur. SO WHO'S THE DUMMY? the word "retarded" back! Retaded is supposed to mean someone that may not be "mentally normal", but here you have adults that think it's cute to say these mean word and teach their children the same. That's not normal to me. And anybody who has common sense would know that can be hurtful to someone. Your daughter may be special needs but bet she wouldn't talk about people just because they are different because obviously you have taugh her better! So technically who's the "retard". TAKE THE POWER OUT OF THE WORD!! it can he hurtful, i've been there so i know, but don't let people who are ignorant hurt you like that. i wish you the best of luck and you are in my prayers.

Being direct doesn't mean being mean - you can tell them what you think, feel without sinking to their level. Some people just don't think before they speak. Some people are ignorant and obnoxious. It sounds like they might be the ignorant kind if they were talking as you described.

Recently I watched an old (80's) movie where the word "retarded" was used as an adjective a few times and as a question re. someone's behaviour - and it stuck the word back into my head. I haven't thought or said it for YEARS and it came out the other day in the sentence "that's retarded". I had to work to figure out where it came from, and I'm pushing my brain to forget that usage again. I felt and feel bad about that.

People like me who screw up and use the word would appreciate a gentle reminder. People like the "girls" on FB probably need bluntness. Hugs to you!

You can't talk sense to an ignorant person so its not worth your time to waste your breath on those type of people and sink back down to their level. I think I really like Caresse T. response below in taking the power out of the word.
When they use those type of words they are really truly the ones that are stupid, dumb, or not mentally normal ones now aren't they?
Sometimes though.... and I am not coming to their defenses by any means but they could HAVE "not" known better. With this being America it has surely become the "melting pot" what is acceptable saying in their country may not be here and vice versa.
I had a friend from the Netherlands that called Putt-putt mini golf "midgit golf" because that is what they call it over there. I warned her to be careful with that because it could be considered offensive to some and she had absolutely no clue and was quite embarrassed but was very glad I told her this. She looks as though your regular all-american girl she doesn't have a heavy accent so someone might think that she could have known better without saying anything to her and been offended by her. You never know with them being your "friends" though I would imagine you know them and know where they are from and can base that it wasn't a cultural mishap but rather ignorance. So forget about them and if they disgust you that much take them off of you freinds list and if they ask you why you can determine whether or not you would like to respond back to that question or not!

i think its completely appropriate to make a comment since it is in a social forum.

im not saying go after them or not, but if i were you, i would def reply "i, being the mother of a special needs child, now realize i have to shield my daughter from uneducated children on the playground, as well as grown adult women who should no better."

i think often people do and say things because no one ever tells them they are wrong. they might not care anyway, but i believe that maybe someone else on their friends list, maybe someone you dont even know, who chuckled while reading the original bantar, will have regret. then the next time they are in the same position, maybe they will stand up to someone and say something.

I do not think they know that the word "retard" is now considered the new "N" word.. Just like "fag" and "faggot". In school, this is like a curse word, and a really, really bad one.

We just never use these words.. EVER.. even at home in private.. You never know how your own children or grandchildren may turn out and be treated..

I always say. "Karma is my best friend and she is a B#&@h. She will come back and bite you every time.".

I'm 43 and my step daughter is moderately retard. That is her "diagnosis". I have to say it doesn't really bother me that people use the word. Now if they look at her and say something in a negative tone about being retarded, well, that's different. But growing up we always said the word retarded. As in something being dumb. "That show is so retarded". The teacher gave us too much homework, that's so "retarded". It was like the valley girls in the 80's in CA saying "like" with everything. "That is so like totally rad!" "Like, oh my gosh!". It was just a bad habit. I still catch myself saying it. So my point is don't take it so personally.

As far as the friends on FB, I probably would have said something to them. Not sure what, maybe something like "you know, using that word is like the same thing as using the "N" word. It isn't really appreciated by those who have special needs family members. I'm not sure.

Anyway, I just wanted to put in my 2 cents. Love and adore your daughter and don't sweat the small stuff...it's all small!

I think B and Riley hit the nail on the head.

Have you see the get rid of the r word? http://www.r-word.org/ You will love it. It is great!!!!!

How rude!
What's even more disturbing is the lack of compassion and understanding parents are NOT instilling in their kids. Very sad. Sorry you're experiencing this.
There has even been a comment on this site about someone "acting like a retard" and I was appalled.

Not everyone is like that. I hope you can just consider the source, and know there are alot of nicer people out there. I have raised my children to appreciate all people. Be it special needs or different races, etc. I explained to my youngest about it being okay to be curious, and God has a plan for ALL people. She calls special needs people "God's special people." She loves Down's and brain injured people. She has a gift. An eight year old little girl can walk up and look someone in the eye, who is normally passed over. She will smile and converse with them, even give hugs when they want them. When we went to "The Village" for the 4th of July celebration, (it is a community for brain injured people) Veronica looked around and said, "I can't believe how many of God's special people came here today! I love it!" I told her they live here, this is their party!
I wish everyone could raise their children to love everyone no matter what they look like or what their mental capacity is. What a wonderful worl it would be!
I also was told by a friend of mine whose sister has Down's, that he envies her. She has nothing but love for everyone, and gets to see the world through a child's eye her whole life. She is loved, taken care of, and happy. How many people can honestly spend their whole life in that state?