My husband and I have decided to get divorced. He is planning on moving out in January. When should we tell the kids that he is moving out. I have two school school age kids and one middle school child. Me and the kids are going to stay in the house and dad is moving out. Do we tell them one month, one week, several weeks before he leaves?? Thanks for any help!
If he is not leaving until January, wait. Don't ruin the kid's Christmas, of ypu don't have to, wait until right before.
So... the police that responded to my 911 call on Dec 10th said they get the MOST DV calls, especially first time DV calls, during the holidays. Because families try to stay together for christmas... instead of separating before the holidays.
So... just as a heads up... you may want to reconsider your date. It's still early enough that you two can plan OUT the holidays to keep them special, and not run the risk of a huge blowup (physical or not... just angry/stressful/unhappy 'last' holiday together).
When did I tell my son? I didn't need to. He's the one who called 911.
I remember i was 9 and my sister was 4. they told us about 2 weeks before he was going to move out.
They sat us down and said "we need to tell you both something."
I said, "I know what you are going to say.''
They said "what do you think we are going to say/'
I told them, 'You are getting a divorce.' They both burst into tears and asked "How did you know?'
I said "because you do not love each other. You have not loved each other for a long time..'
Children are very aware of what is going on, depending on their ages, they see and hear a whole lot more than adults realize.. They are observers.
I think it is good to not to tell them too long till he moves out. The children will get a false sense that things are going to work themselves out. For those 2 weeks, my parents pretty much had a truce, even though I knew they were both mad at each other, and were sniping at each other.. my little sister thought since it was not the same sort of behaviors, things were being patched up.
With the holidays coming up.. take care to keep things as normal as possible.
I agree with Momof3 G - just a few days before it happens. No good will come of them stewing with their thoughts and their imaginations for the next 3 months. Let them enjoy the holidays - it will probably be the last with mom and dad together.
Please try to keep the stress that you and hubby must be feeling under wraps until then. The only thing worse than telling them now, is not telling them and having them sense that something is wrong. Their imaginations conjure up all kinds of things. The worst fear is the fear of the unknown.
Three suggestions:
If you and dad think you can fake it through the holidays, then tell them after Christmas.
If you can't, tell them now, start some family counselling, let the kids spend some time with each parent one on one and be honest (as honest as you can with a child facing such a life altering event). Ask him to leave BEFORE the holidays.
If he wants to stay until January maybe the two of you could give marriage counselling a chance for the sake of your children.
I wish you all the best....Blessings
I went through this same situation last January, only my three children & I moved out of the house (he refused). My therapist told me to tell them 2-3 DAYS before we moved out. My kids were 8, 7 & 5 at the time. They did great with it. Their main concern was if they could take their stuff with them - which you won't have to deal with. My therapist explained to me that the less time for them to dwell on the change actually helps them deal with it. At the time I only explained that we were moving. Then in the summer once we were getting closer to the actual divorce I explained about the divorce.
Good luck - I know how hard this decision is. I wish you and your children the very best.
Now. Today. This is not a secret, it is a massive change of family dynamic and the kids need to know now that it is a certainty.
The longer you fake that everything is okay, the worse the lie becomes. It sends the message that the kids can't trust you.
If you were thinking about staying together for "one last Christmas" - don't. It doesn't make a good memory; it ruins the holiday in the future.
I'm sorry to hear that y'all are splitting up!I've been through this.But I moved out with my kids.I personally would sit them down with your soon to be ex and tell them now.it'll only get harder if you wait.let the kids know that if they have any questions that they can ask you.Be ready to answer too!
Blessings to You
I think it's tough for kids to know that this is imminent and then have him living in the house for 4 months. They won't get it.
Obviously you feel that the two of you can live amicably without too much under-the-surface tension, or he wouldn't stay until January. I understand the suggestion to get through the holidays, but remember that if you do too much fun-family stuff, they won't "get" the divorce. Of course, constant fighting is not good either.
I agree that some counseling on how to separate and do the best for the kids is a great way to spend the next few months. It will give you a place to discuss conflicts outside of the home (because doing what you're doing isn't going to be easy) and to assess, with a neutral professional, what is the best for all of your kids, given their personalities, fears, concerns, and so on. Then, when it's time to split, you can reassure the kids about everything that you should, as well as with the information that you have been considering this for a long time, working on it with a counselor, and that their interests and needs were always considered. Even if you tell them that continuing the marriage was not an option (even if that's at the top of THEIR list), you can reassure them that this is not a hasty decision and that you've worked cooperatively and will continue to do so where they are concerned.
Good luck to you.
tell them NOW. its enough time for them to process it and get used to the idea. The biggest mistake I made when I divorced was telling the kids the day he moved out. It was horrible, we did not fight, no one saw it coming, especially the kids...they were MORE than shocked. So don't wait, do it now and google and read some articles on how to tell them so you get some good advice. Good luck.
Having been through that as a child, I say a week. That's enough notice, but not too far in advance because then they'll just worry about it. Stress the fact that dad is going to be seeing them often and is still available for them. But I'm of the yank the bandaid off quick camp. I definitely do NOT agree with after the fact. My dad told me after I arrived at his house for a visit on Christmas that he was getting married the next day. On Christmas eve. To someone I never met or heard of. I was pissed.
i agree with riley. the stress of holidays is enough. you can do it now and be civil and have one day of sharing a holiday if you want instead of being stressed living with your ex until then.
