My youngest is 20 months old, and I am completely baby-crazy, but my husband not so much. I was the one who really wanted a third, and he got on board with some convincing, but apparently I'm still not done yet. My husband, however, is very done. I always hear people say "You know when you're done," but after #3 popped out I said to the nurse "I could totally do this again!" and was serious. We've discussed it a lot and have decided that, for many reasons, we're at a good place with three, but there is still this burning desire in me to have another. The reality is that it's not going to happen, so my question is for others who have gone through a similar situation: How do you cope with wanting another, knowing it won't happen? I feel so blessed by my three, so then I feel guilty for wanting another, and at the same time almost in mourning over the feeling that I'm missing a child in our family. Maybe more than advice I need encouragement that this dark cloud will lift...
Clarifications: I grew up as one of four kids, so to me, four is not an outrageous number, though I know for many even 3 seems like more than they'd ever want. So for me, it's not so much the baby stage as another child, though a baby is the avenue to another child (obviously).
I've known in my heart I wanted another since #3 was born, but didn't bring it up to hubby because I felt I talked him into #3. HE, ironically, is the one who started the discussion about having a fourth. I don't think he realized how much I wanted one and thought I'd bristle at his idea instead of embracing it. So, it was definitely a mutual discussion, and after talking about it, we came to a shared logical conclusion, though I still have a different emotional desire (which he shares, just maybe not as passionately).
We can easily afford another financially, he's just ready to move on to the next stage and, as some have pointed out, not worry about a diaper bag, naps, feedings, etc. I think he's also happy with how things are and doesn't want to "rock the boat," and now that I've reached an age considered as risky (yes, that would be 35) is concerned about my health and the health of the baby (despite my doctor's reassurances that not much has changed for me from my last baby). Again, all good reasons not to have another baby and on paper I agree it's the best choice for our family, but there's still that desire that won't go away! Maybe with more time...
I appreciate everyone's responses, especially those showing empathy and encouragement. It does seem people are stuck on the fact that we have three kids already, which surprised me...I wonder if responses would be different if we only had one?
What did I do to deal with "baby fever?"
I got a kitten.
And then a dog.
And then another kitten.
Now, with two boys, two cats and a dog...I'm good. :-)
Like I tell my kids, we just can't have everything we want, and we must learn to be grateful for what we have.
That's life.
In old age having a bunch of kids is a wonderful blessing. I am one of 5 siblings and my mother's last years were filled & blessed with all of her kids, grandkids & greatgrands. But getting there requires a lot of sacrifice.
Many jobs and workplaces take a lot out of people - so they want their home to be their sanctuary. It's hard to do with little kids all around. Families go through stages - it gets easy when they're grade school level - then hard again when they're teenagers.
Men also really enojy their relationship with their wife - and that gets pulled and pushed and sacrificed with little ones. Dads are left in this provider role with less of their wife than they really want.
Men also worry about providing for their family. They feel very responsible for the well being of their wife and kids. Every new child adds more responsibiility to the dad.
I thini the best way to mesh yourplans to gether is to look at your family through new eyes - see your husband's perspective. He wants more of you. That's not a bad thing.
Your husband compromised with #3 and you should count your blessings.
Maybe he is completely "done" because he realizes what he has to do now as a provider for his family to keep everyone healthy, clothed, pay for extra activities outside of school, pay for college educations, save for your own retirement.
It is a HUGE commitment to have a child, try to see things from his perspective.
Instead of using your energy mourning for what you don't have, look at what you DO have and put that energy into what you DO have.
ETA: per your SWH. We have 1 child. We feel 100% complete and I never had an urge for more babies. I love babies, I love children , and I have no regrets with our decision to have a complete family of 3. I feel very blessed with my 1 child.
It sounds like your husband has already compromised. Was he happy with 2 and after convincing went along and had baby number 3?
I have a friend who is a 'baby person' and has 3 kids. She might in the future help with the foster system with newborns. She thinks this will help her with her love for babies. Everyone is different and this idea is not for everyone.
Allow yourself to feel your feelings fully. If you need to grieve, then grieve. If you need to feel angry or hurt, then feel angry or hurt. If you allow yourself to let the feelings fully move out of your body you may find that your overall perceptions may change. Too often, we don't allow certain feelings because we feel they are based on irrational thoughts. It doesn't really matter. As humans we have feelings. The more we stuff them, avoid them, ignore them or minimize them the more they run our lives. Just sitting down and allowing ourselves to go deeply into them releases the energy of that feeling and then we are left in a new place of choice.
Be careful about making choices and decisions out of high emotion or the desire to avoid the emotion. This is were we make decisions that often feel bad. If you allow the emotion to move through first, then you will have real clarity with which to make decisions with.
Our lives really are about focus. We can focus on all the things we don't have or are missing out on (which is an endless practice in suffering and misery) or we can focus on what we have, use what we have, enjoy deeply what we have, feel deep appreciation for what we have, and therefore, expand our happiness.
I can completely empathize with you. I am in the same place.
We originally planned to have 4 kids. After the first two, my husband said we were done. I said, wait a minute mister, we planned to have 4. I'm not done! I begged, cried and pleaded for three years and we finally had #3. The pregnancy was complicated and scary, but in the end, we were blessed with a healthy baby boy. I felt immediately that I wasn't done. I had a strong feeling I'd be pregnant again even though it would be risky. We had an oops pregnancy in October 2012 that sadly ended in a miscarriage at 9 weeks. I wanted to try again afterwards, but my husband didn't. He sort of viewed it as a blessing in disguise. I've tried several times since then to talk to him about it, and he won't even discuss it.
I'm 38 now, and I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and pre-diabetes this past summer. I know that another pregnancy would be extremely risky and stressful on my whole family. What I developed preeclampsia and the baby had to be delivered super early? What if I had a stroke or worse? I have to start accepting that my childbearing years are behind me. I feel that I'm missing out on enjoying the present moment due to this longing and sadness. In order to start accepting it, I'm trying to focus on all of the positives of not having another: no more sleepless nights, diapers, potty training, no more having to work around a nap schedule, or having to schlep a baby all over town to ball games, scout events, school activities, being able to have time to myself when my youngest goes to kindergarten next year, being able to possibly get a part time job in a couple of years.... I hope the sadness goes away at some point. I hope the same for you!
Do you feel like you're "missing a child" because you don't have a girl?
Sit down and have that one final talk with him. Share with him and make sure he's drawing a line and saying he won't participate in having more kids. If he is simply basing it on logic that 3 is enough then he might be swayed with logic back at him.
How old are your three kids?
Once they are a bit older, you can become much more involved in taking them to activities around town and then helping out at preschool if they do that. And you should find some activities just for yourself as far as possible with three young kids--whether it's taking part in a program at church if that's your thing, or just ensuring that you meet a friend for coffee alone and kid-free once a week or every other week. If you are always tending a young infant, those things are never going to happen. They may seem insignificant now but they aren't.
The baby stage is busy, busy, busy but if you are forever in the baby stage, to be really frank, the older kids miss out. You'll be saying "I can't sign Kid 1 up for that mom-and-me music class that looks so fun because it's at the baby's naptime." "I can't take Kid 1 and Kid 2 to story time at the library because Kid 3 is too young for it and Kid 4 is fussy today...." Eventually it'll be "I can't get to Kid 2's school play because 3 and 4 are...." and so on. And the older kids will keep on missing out because there is always someone younger whose schedule rules all. Those examples seem like small things, but after long enough you'll find that it adds up and the older kids pretty much are tied to the schedule of whoever's the baby at the moment. Fill that space with more activities that engage you with the children you do have, already, rather than pining for the sweet, cute infant stage.
Is there any possibility that you like the baby stage because besides being so sweet, they are in certain ways easier than toddlers and older kids? Yes, babies fuss and cry and wake us up but they don't have drama, don't talk back, don't want this or that and demand it in the middle of the store....Maybe take a look at whether you want to keep that kind of happy ease going with another infant and recognize that once that latest baby is a bit older and mobile and saying "No" and eventually saying "Mom, you're wrong!"....will you then want another baby again, to bring back the total dependence and innocence as each child grows out of that stage? Something to consider.
I'm not in your situation, but I have a friend who was baby-crazy and had three, and it's worked well, but she has admitted that after number three came along, it hit her that she was trying to get back that innocent, sweet, dependent little being; she was sad that her preschooler and toddler who growing away from her. She realized it was as much about her sadness at seeing her kids growing up as it was about her adoration for infants. She had thought about a fourth but this realization made her say pretty fast that she was happy with three and stopping there. She began doing a lot in her kids' schools as well as more things for herself as an adult.
And as someone else noted - your husband has already made a compromise by having a third. Don't ask him to do it again or you risk straining your marriage. Focus on the children you already have and get more involved as they get older -- being busy with their classes and activities and preschools and schools will help you know them so much better as they grow.
You might consider counseling. And keep talking to him. Even if it doesn't change the number, he needs to understand what you are going through. In my case, it's been a grieving process that I only get one child and I was hurt when he downplayed how I felt. HE has three children. I do not. But that is a different topic. So keep talking and communicating. You both have valid feelings, pro and con. And you both need to at least support each other through this time to the next step.
ETA: I can't say that we are "stuck" on the fact that you already have three children or not. We just look at the whole picture and raising the three that you have. If you had one and wanted another and hubby was against it you would get the same responses. Remember we are an open forum of women around the world and of different backgrounds and ages. I don't feel a family should be child poor (more people than you can afford in feeding, clothing, educating) you also have to have some me time in there. If you don't you will not be a happy person. Just read the threads we have about women wanting to do things and can't afford to do so. Just be realistic.
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Be blessed that you three healthy children. You never know what the fourth could bring in terms of health. Just because you can afford an extra now does not mean that will always be the way in the future.
Hubby agreed to number three. He toyed with the idea of number four but saw that you were really there when he was not. As they say if one doesn't want the baby then there is no baby. Why rock the boat and lose the whole marriage? Dad would/could resent the child and treat him/her differently than the other three.
If you feel you must have an infant in your life how about become a foster mom? You could then get your fill of the infant and then send them on their way to their new home.
Life is a journey and change come and go. Have some flexibility and move forward. If at some time in the future a fourth shows up be very grateful and have your tubes tied.
I wanted a third but the timing was off. I asked my husband when we first got to Germany if we were having any Germans and he said no. So I said okay and went on to do other things non baby. After the first Gulf War he mentioned a baby but by then I was not in the mood to have another and we were moving soon so it was not in the cards. I enjoy the two I have. I did get a dog later and said that was the two kids I never had and the dog was spoiled rotten.
the other S.
Well, my husband & I only wanted O.. So we knew we were done at the same time.
Had I wanted more & he didn't? I guess I would "cope with it" just by reminding myself that it was crucial to our marital happiness and I knowing I wouldn't want to force my spouse I to something he was so vehemently against.
Good luck to you!
I wanted a 3rd, my husband did not, to the point of having a vasectomy. At first I did mourn the child I would never have, but after a few years I was abel to look at my family and see just how prefect it is just the way it is. Sure, I still wonder "what if" from time to time, but now that thought is fleeting and does not bring with it any pain or regret.
Blessed Be.
These are the exact reasons why my husband had a vasectomy when my youngest was 3 mos. He and I knew that we were done with kids, but I knew I would have that nagging feeling that can be quite powerful to ignore. So we mutually decided to make the decision permanent. Yes, I have still had that feeling that I would like to have another, but at the same time, I'm relieved to know that it won't ever happen. Now, we have our goals set on other things- next steps in our family. Things we have wanted to do for a while but couldn't because we had a baby or couldn't afford to do so.
I told him that when the feeling got too powerful, I might just come home with a puppy. lol How's that for compromise?
I would focus on the advantages of being done.
It just takes time. We were blessed with a boy and a girl (I had them at ages 36 and 38, by the way. We all are perfectly healthy, so you would be totally fine to have a fourth IMO).
I grew up in a family of 3 siblings, so 3 was always my number. My husband was done though. It took a long time to get to a place of not yearning for that third child. What helped was my kids reaching that independent stage which is nice. They are now 5 and 6. No more diapers, no more strollers, no more huge car seats, sleeping through the night, etc. I also volunteer in children's ministry at church and at my kids' schools so I get the opportunity to love on a variety kids. A local hospital in town has also said they need volunteers to rock babies in the nursery and NICU. I think I would love that. I've just come to the understanding that being around kids is one of my Godly purposes. So I fill the need in a variety of ways. I used to be an elementary teacher before staying at home, but I still sub occasionally, so I get some time with the older kids too.
Hang in there, it subsides after awhile, but if your husband actually brought up the topic, sounds to me like there is still room for negotiation! ;-)
If I was younger, we'd have two more. I had my third last year, at 41. We are done, and I've moved passed wanting more, but if I was younger, we'd be having two more. It's crazy that you say 35 is high risk. I know it is, but that's when we started having babies!
In any case, for me, I made the decision to be done. I will always desire more babies, but when I feel that urge, I go play on the floor with my kids. I try to just be present in the here, and thankful for my current blessings. So far it's working great, but my youngest won't be 1 till next month.
But really, it's a choice.
I wish I could give you advice from experience but my desire ended with the second one. Did you guys talk about how many kids you wanted before you started a family? Keep in mind financially things are not like they were when we were younger or our parents for that matter. Are you able financially? Will your husband resent the situation if you try again? Can this be an opportunity for you to give your kids more attention and truly provide them with what they need? Good luck
