Ok, so my sister and her ex were divorced about 8 months ago, but were separated for about 6 months prior. This was 100% my sisters choice and fault. Her ex is and was the most amazing sweet guy and tried numerous times to make it work with her, despite her cheating on him several times. My sister said, she just didn't love him that way and they were better as friends. To which they remain to this day, although they don't really talk anymore, as there is no need. Very amicable divorce. My BIL and I remain close. Always will and my sister knows and accepts that. Well my BIL met and fell in love with his true match. They are by all means, two peas in a pod. He and his new girlfriend (fiance now) are both 40 and almost instantly started trying to have a baby, as neither has any children, but want them badly. To their success she is pregnant, about 8 weeks now and they are getting married in March. I know at some point I need to tell my sister, but not sure when. They will see each other because of my son, and I am also pregnant and would like to have a party where they both attend. My sister has been back and forth with her relationships. Although, she may have found and be settling down with a guy I like a lot. She wants to have children also, but isn't there yet. So, I don't know when I should tell her what is going on. But I feel that I have to tell her, because we have a few mutual friends with her ex and i would HATE for her to find out through some one else and know that I knew and didn't tell her. Especially because she and i are very very close. Soooo what do you think??
Edit:
My sister does not know that they are engaged. I found that out when they told me she was pregnant. I am not looking to spread their news for them. But at some point I think I need to tell her so that at my son's b-day party or next gathering her ex doesn't walk in with a baby or his super pregnant wife. I think she would be happy for him no doubt, but hurt that I didn't tell her ahead of time. Same goes for her finding out from one of our friends. That they told her and not me. I am planning on waiting a while, but just didn't know how long.
Thanks for your input. My BIL is coming over to dinner next week so I am going to talk to him about it then and find out if he wants to tell her or if I should. Like I said, I think my sister will be happy for him because she really wants him to be happy, but I think she will be a little saddened by the whole thing as well. After I talk to him, if he wants me to tell her, then I probably will the next day. Its just a weird conversation to have. But I am sure all will go well. Thanks again.
I don't see any reason to tell her. It doesn't concern her they are divorced it's really none of her business.
I'm sorry mutual split or not I would not invite her ex to family gatherings.
Why do you need to tell her? It's none of her business. I wouldn't say anything about his news to her.
Well, if you are sooo very close then why can you not just say "oh by the way Jim Bob Smith is getting married to Mary Jane Hills and he said they are working on baby and may be successful." Just pass it along like it is nothing big. If you do not make a HUGE deal of it then chances are she will not either or you can talk to her about it like she already knows because you assumed she heard it from the source already.
its his job to tell her not yours. she chose to leave and mess up her marriage and there is consenquences for her actions. and this would be the consenquence :)
After reading the respones I guess ppl have very different relationships with their siblings than I thought. If it were my sis, she'd know the same day I found out.. We're very close;like we're the same person. When she hurts, I hurt. I have an exfiance that she hangs with. She doesn't tell me everything except things she think I would need to know. In my book, this case would be a def need-to-know. Good luck with whatever you chose. I wouldn't be able to hold back information like that.
If it were my sister and we were very very close I would just tell her...if she didn't love him, like she says, it shouldn't be that big of a deal...she should be happy for them!
Well gee, isn't it up to your BIL and his Fiance.... to spread the news, as they want???? Their pregnancy.... IS a PRIVATE matter.... and it is up to them... to tell others.
It has nothing to do with your Sister.
Hopefully she is not the type to get all resentful or stir the pot.
I assume.... she MUST know that your BIL had a new girlfriend and now Fiance???? And since you ALL have so many mutual friends????
Congrats on your niece/nephew by love!!! (we have aunts and uncles by love... they are the dear friends related to us not through blood or marriage).
I'd ask you XBil "Hey, how do you wanna handle it with my Sis, because if you aren't planning on telling her I'm going to need to before you both are in the same space, esp if that space is my kiddo's bday!!!"
If he abdicates, ( and may well if they don't share children together), his life is really none of her business... tell her whenever you see fit. If he wants to handle it, just double check if you haven't heard anything before a party they'd both be at.
((I know some people do the whole : blood sticks together thing. In MY family aunt and uncle status are forever. I have 7 aunts and uncles that are in no way shape or form related to me by blood or marriage. I also have "god parents" & "fairy godparents" & "godless parents". My son has 2 uncles by love, and one by former marriage. And an Aunt that is my "sister by another mother" that I've been friends with for nearly 20 years. In our family love is thicker than blood. Just as an example; My uncle had 5 wives over 40 years. All but 2 were amazing women, he's staid good friends with them if somewhat distant, and those 3 have remained "in the family". When it's come up from time to time via other friends of the family "What is SANDRA doing here???" my mum has a classic line "The risk you run when marrying someone is that your family may grow to love them, too. Good thing they're good friends!" ))
she's your sister, you need to tell her, and sooner rather than later. If it were my sister, and I found out she knew something like that ahead of time and didnt tell me, I'd be pretty hurt, even if I wasnt ever going to see my ex again.
I'd probably be inclined to let it go for awhile. It's early in the pregnancy and their paths may cross...
This would be one of those things that I would need to know.The ex bil & you still have a friendship going plus your sisters relationship youro stuck in the middle I would feel awarkward in telling my sis but at the same time I wouldn't want her to feel that I kept something away from her.Have you talked to your bil can he tell her his good news & keep the peace between you & sis?They are divorced have no children together so I know calling her to tell her would be awarkward aswell.I wouldn't like to walk into a party or gathering seeing what I had no idea what I was seeing a pregnant lady with my ex husband who has plans to be married or married at my families gatherings.I personally wouldn't be at my ex inlaws gatherings broken up,separted divorced I don't belong there.
You said:
- I think she would be happy for him.
- I think she would be hurt if I didn't tell her ahead of time.
- I think she would be hurt if she found out from one of our friends.
Based on those 3 things, I say just tell her now. And then move on.
Why do you plan on waiting a while? just blurt out to your sister, "oh, did you know so & so, are engaged and having a baby?" It doesn't sound like she cares much anyways, so you don't have to worry about hurt feelings. I would tell her now.
I agree with those who say it should be up to the ex-husband. It's not your responsibility. I especially agree with Shane's response. Very diplomatic!
I think you should let your ex brother in law tell your sister. If they are amicable and still friendly, it seems he should be the one to say...."I didn't want you to hear it from anyone else." He sounds like a really decent guy and I think that would be the best thing. Since you remain close with him, why don't you ask him when he thinks he will mention it to her?
Let him tell her. You won't have to divulge that you knew. Even if she found out you knew, you could say that you respected his wishes to be the one to tell her.
That's an honorable thing. I don't see why she'd be upset with you over it.
Best wishes.
I tend to agree with Michelle...my loyalty ultimately lies with my sibling. Your sister is also your friend, treat her as such. As soon as I knew, she would as well. Just because you think you know how their marriage went down, you were just an outside observer. Maybe she won't care at all, maybe she really doesn't have residual feelings, but it will sting regardless. Why let her be caught off guard by running into them at your party. You know she will be hurt if you don't tell her, you write that at the end of your post. Tell your SISTER, don't create drama where none exists!
