When to Give Up - Alvin,TX

If you would leave your daughters dad because you cant get along with your step daughter, that can't be the only reason.

Added after you bashed me... I was just giving a thought provoking answer.

**Apparently you and hubby aren't on the same page understanding your current stress level it's causing you. When you convince him you are on your last nerve maybe you will feel better about raising a special needs child. Just sounds like you need support from Dad so you don't feel so alone.

Added again. I'm sorry I just realized your husband in NOT your daughters Dad, sorry about that. I would say I probably wouldnt be able to hang in there either. Doesnt sound like a healthy environment for your daughter if you don't have to stay in it. When momma's unhappy, everyone's unhappy.

it might not be something that your husband wants her to do, but maybe if what she wants is to live with her mom, you should let her? my sister always gave my mom a really hard time after my parents were divorced. she finally told my mom she wanted to live with my dad. my mom let her, and after about 2 weeks, my sister decided it wasn't what she thought it was going to be like and moved back home. problems solved

It sounds like you are exhausted.
Emotionally and physically and for good reason.

Make a list of what you need.
Be totally honest.

Husband home more often,..

More time away from stepdaughter.

More alone time with your own daughter.

More alone time with husband.... whatever it is you really want..

Then go back and check off what is an absolute have to have, not just want. This should be the things to save your sanity and your soul.

What can you and your husband do to help you get this part of the list?

Is it working outside of the home? Is it doing some volunteer wrk away from home?

Some activities for just you and your bio child? Is it the weeks step daughter is away from mom your bio daughter and you do things alone together?

Also Counseling as a group is awesome. Make sure you are totally honest about what is going on. I also suggest you by yourself get therapy.. You may be a little depressed, which is not unusual for women your age, but to have all of this stress, cannot be helping.

Make sure you are getting exercise and running errands and cleaning the house is not exercise.

Be good to yourself. Do not take your stepdaughters behaviors personally. These behaviors are not in her control and may never be. Instead help her try to figure out solutions on reminders to help her become part of the larger group of our society,. 10 is still young, so it will probably be a while till some common sense and control of her behaviors are under some sort of control.

The good news is that our daughter has had some friends with these types of problems to over come and each and every one of them graduated from high school and are either in college or working full time. No pregnancies no drugs and no drinking problems.. Their parents work very hard to help their children be the best they can be. I admire them so much.

I am sending you strength.

I'm sorry, but I have nothing to offer but hugs and prayers.

I just want to say that you are in a really difficult place, I feel bad for you. I feel bad for your step-daughter, because of all she has gone through with her Mom. But I feel the most bad for your daughter. It sounds like a very stressful environment. You need to put so much effort into your step-daughter's issues. I think I would ask how much of that is fair to your daughter and for how long?

I agree that your daughter comes first, you need to do what's best for her, and you.
I don't feel comfortable telling you what to do but based on what you've said, if it was me, I would be ready for a trial separation.
So sorry for your situation, there is no easy solution :(

Mother's don't quit on their kids. She needs you now more than ever. Her behavior requires some tough love but love non-the-less.

Try having a sit down with her father and bio-mom. This child is definitely in crisis. She may need to suffer serious consequences for her actions but her actions are relatively in the normal range for a troubled youth.

Get help for yourself. Group counseling is fine for the group but you probably need more people involved in her life. Having ADHD is not an excuse for definance and just because the experts put a label on mis behavior to categorize it doesn't make it easier for you to deal with it.

If the shoe was on the other foot and your daughter was in her sister's shoes wouldn't you want the adult to not give up on her?

I have had to deal with all kinds of temperments and poor behaviors with my neices and nephews and yet I never gave up on them no matter what but a time does come when you need to stop protecting them from the full effect of their actions and let them feel the full punishment of their actions. It's not easy but it does come to that even if that means she can't live with you and your husband any longer.

UPDATE
I just read your update. The grass is always greener on the other side. Is her mother willing and able to take on the responsiblity of her daughter? She may need to go and live there for a time but make it very clear she has to be on her best behavior. If living with her mother is her goal use that against her to get the behavior you want out of her. I hope this helps.

can she go live with mom? i think you are at your breaking point & not sure if you would *explode* on her in the heat of the moment, so if this is at all possible then i think you are right to do something drastic like leaving your husband. If you did *explode * on your SD & CPS comes it will put you & your daughters lives in jeopardy.....best wishes

What does your husband say? Does he even know you are thinking about leaving him over the stress of this girl? Does he think she walks on water of have guilt over everything she does?

Personally I would see about having her move in full time as soon as school lets out and then you having visitation on weekends/when dad is home or something...

How does her Dad feel about her going to live with her Mom?
Is it likely her Mom thinks a 10 yr old will make for great free babysitting when her new child comes along?
I wouldn't put it past her.
If you stay with Dad, it's likely this girl will bounce back and forth between you and her Mom till she's old enough to run away or move out on her own.
How is all this affecting your daughter?
It's got to be tough for her living with all the drama all the time.
Although the other girl is probably a great example of how not to be, I'd be worried about my girl acting up at some point in order to gain some attention even if it's negative in nature.
The Dad and his daughter are (I assume) a package deal.
To keep one, you must deal with the other.
If you stay with him, you have to assume this step daughter will always be in your life one way or another and I'd expect the teenage years could be quite a bit worse than what you've been through so far.
If you leave, you and your daughter might have some peace.
It's a tough call, but seeing as I'd expect the Dad's first priority is his daughter, he should expect that your first priority is your daughter.
It's not like you haven't tried.
I'm not sure I could have lasted as long as you have given the same circumstances.

Hi B., considering the many layers of issues your step daughter is coping with, it will take extreme determination, extreme patience, undying love, and an alternative parenting style for a step mom to stick with it for the next 8 years and beyond.

So if you can't be that Saint Step Mom (and it's perfectly understandable), I guess your own daughter has to take precedence. You will not be able to parent them both the same way. Find the peace you need for you and your own girl.

(And I think Grandma T was just suggesting there is way more to this story then you have written, and I would have to agree)

Best to you all.

:)

Can you guys ALL sit down with a family counselor who specializes in blended families? This includes your step daughters mom. You grown ups need to get on the same page and not give in to her manipulative behavior. If you're worried about the cost and don't have insurance, check with your local state government's department, they may offer free or low cost counseling services. Good luck!

I'd hang in there and see how visitation goes with mom over the summer. If it goes well, maybe she will go there perm and see you guys occasionally. In fact, perhaps that is the plan that you need to be working towards.

Talk to your husband about it. If you have a goal in mind - to get her FT with mom - then there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Additionally, I think you need to have a serious conversation with your hubby. I'd hope that you 're not going to just pack up and go one day. So you need to tell him how serious the situation is and that you and he need to be making alternate plans for your step daughter.

Best of luck!

This must be really hard to deal with if you are considering walking away. If at all possible, try to hang in longer (I know, easy for me to say) and see if you can work through this with her. You've been dealing with this for a long time already, and I admire how long you've held on so far considering everything you've been dealing with (and much of it on your own), but as unfair as it is, I hate to imagine what will happen to this girl w/o you.

I imagine a big part of her problem is having been abandoned by her mother. I wonder if she is testing you to see if you'll do the same. A friend of mine married a man w/ a 10 yo DD- her mom had also abandoned her, and she had a lot of anxiety that my friend would leave too. She also had self-esteem problems- couldn't understand why she wasn't loveable enough for her mom to want to stay. She's been doing really well. She doesn't have the ADHD and ODD to further complicate her emotional issues though.

I found some ODD info that might be useful (I hope). They mention a support group for parents of ODD children and a book w/ some helpful strategies. They are included in The 1st 5 Things to do after your Child is Diagnosed with ODD.

Also check out the Before You Look for Information on ODD section- they have online support groups that might help you cope with all this, and help you feel not so alone in all of this.

http://specialchildren.about.com/od/odd/Oppositional_Defi...

Hang in there B., you're doing a good job (even if it doesn't feel that way) and you've got a good heart!! :)

It sounds to me like this girl has fantasies about her mother coming back to swoop her up and "save" her and give her all the love she missed out on from her.
She may well be acting out in hopes that she'll be sent to be with her mom.
Whether or not her mother is prepared for that is another story. If she's not, then her mother needs to quit calling CPS on you and be an adult and tell her daughter she's not in a position to have her live with her. She just got visitation and they need to see how that even goes first. It's not what your step daughter wants to hear, but it may be the reality of the situation.
On the other hand, if her mom wants her, let her go live with her mom. Unfortunately, I don't see it lasting long. Your step daughter no doubt has emotionally put her on some kind of pedastal and likely blames her father and even you for her mom's absense in her life. It's what kids do because the truth is too much to cope with. The create alternate realities and manipulate, even if they don't realize it's exactly what they are doing, in order to try to make those alternate realities REAL. To make them come true.
I think you should hang in there a little longer. See how the weekend visitations go. I fear that after the baby is born, your step daughter still won't be happy because with a baby around needing her mother's attention, her fantasies of the two of them running off hand in hand into the sunset will be dashed once again.
I really hope her mom IS getting her life together and can really be there for her. I hope her mom will continue therapy with her so the girl can find ways to cope with her mom's absense other than acting out. I hope her mom is strong enough to cope with her daughter's behavior because she also may have unrealistic ideas about how easy it will be to have her after being out of her life for so long and basically getting to know her. She's not the little 4 year old that she left.
I totally understand that you have your own child to think about. None of this is really fair to her.
I really would give it a little more time though. Things will either get better or they'll get worse with your step daughter's mother around more.

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Are you no longer in love with your husband?

I could never divorce someone I was in love with. So, if you are considering divorce, it leaves me to wonder if you love him--or perhaps you werent truly in love in the first place?

If you've already detached yourself from him and your step-daughter, then your marriage is a shell... But, if there are issues in your marriage (him being absent for long periods of time, loneliness, etc.), then saying you're divorcing because of the step-daughter is a convenient way to avoid the real issues.

So, what exactly happens once you divorce him...? Step-daughter goes to live with natural mom because father is away working? Or, father has to leave job in order to be parent to daughter? I mean, if the real problem is that you want him home more, divorcing him may accomplish that--but you won't be in the picture anymore. If you want her to live elsewhere, again divorce may accomplish that, but you will have exited the situation. So, to me, you have 2 choices:

1. Tell husband and natural mom that you need a different living situation with the daughter and that you are no longer are willing to keep the status quo. (although a suspect mom will find daughter is too much to handle with a newborn too.)

2. Determine whether you are in love with your husband, and if not, you need to move on.

Good luck.