When Promises Are Broken

I'm sorry you are hurting. I feel your husband was wrong for telling you that it was okay to try for #3 and then changing his mind. But, I also think that by not accepting his answer of "No", you are not treating him with respect either.

Have you sat down together and talked about your true feelings? I'm talking about a discussion where each partner is allowed to speak frankly and uninterrupted. Why is it so urgent for you to have a third child? Why is he so against it? You both speak your side, but make no decisions. I think you should let the issue rest for 6 months. Both agree to not bring it up until then.

And I would go back to couseling. Find a way to afford it. Good luck.

I have to say that I think if your marriage is at the point of needing counseling, then having another baby is probably not a good idea anyways. It would definitely make things worse. I tried to talk a friend of mine out of getting pregnant for baby #3 when her marriage was not so good. I think she though that having another baby would automatically make things better and everyone would be happy. Needless to say, she did not listen and did get pregnant. She is now divorced and has joint custody. Baby #3 who is not 7 is only with her mom every other week. I say for now, enjoy the two children that you have and try to get over being angry at your husband and move on.

Dear M. P,
After 10 years of marriage, and many of those years actively trying to get pregnant, we'd had no success. I had been to a fertility doctor, but we had not yet gone down the in vitro path. At that point, I felt very strongly that God was telling me to choose contentment- to stop focusing on what I wanted but didn't have, and instead focus on the blessings in my life- a good husband, a rewarding job, great friends, a terrific church, etc. Within 6 months I became pregnant, and now I have 3 kids aged 12, 15, and 17. My point in all this, is not that if you wait long enough you'll get what you want, but that there is GREAT value and joy in choosing contentment today. It really is a choice. Don't waste your life wishing for what hasn't been given to you. We don't know what the future holds, but we can choose to see today as a gift. Perhaps another child will come- I truly hope that for you- but don't pin all your future happiness on it. Blessings-

I think your husband is telling you the best way he can that he really doesn't want number three. It's now up to you to accept that and work on getting over your distrust and hurt feelings. Good Luck.

Hi M. P,
Sorry to say this because you might not want to hear it. This is quite a game the two of you are playing and it will lead to bigger and more hurtful things.

Just about ALMOST EVERY marriage counselor discounts fees when insurance is no longer available, especially if you started treatment. I would talk to the therapist you started with about this. If not, JUST ABOUT EVERY therapist will reduce their rate if you want treatment and don't have insurance. Third check with your insurance to double check coverage and/or talk to the HR person where you get the insurance and see if they can work in coverage.

It is more expensive to play this game then to pay out of pocket to resolve it.

Fix your marriage first. Then revisit #3.

"Happily married"? Really? Because it sounds like you're placing the bulk of your well-being on the whims of your husband. If he does things your way, you're on top of the world. If he changes his mind, you're devastated. I'm not saying it's right for him to treat what is obviously a meaningful issue for you with reckless disregard, but I am saying that you need to take care of yourself around it.

I suggest you go to counseling for yourself and leave your husband out of it. If insurance doesn't cover counseling -- which I would find odd, given that even the most substandard of plans like mine *cough CIGNA HMO cough!* cover some sort of EAP -- go to a center that works on a sliding fee. If you have to get on a waitlist, so be it.

Best of luck to you and your family.

You have a bigger problem in your marriage than whether or not to bring baby number 3 into the world. If he had been out with "the guys" all night, then came up with the decision to make love to you and try for baby #3 and you were "surprised"..... had he been drinking??? Just a thought.

If he is not against marriage counseling - but your insurance doesn't cover it, perhaps you may have a church affiliation, that can recommend someone who would be more reasonably priced. It's hard to not be on the same page with your spouse on this issue.

He may, in fact, be nervous about bringing another baby in the world, either because of finances, age, he may think his family life is perfect as it is or whatever other reason he feels is valid. It's not uncommon for one spouse to want more children while the other spouse wants to close that chapter in their lives. Talk it over in a civil manner with your husband. You need to work this out and put an end to the games that are happening in your marriage.

This is really a tough issue. You have stated in your "what happened" answer that you have a great marriage. Great marriages don't have this kind of issues going on. This is a trust issue. If hubby is saying these things after going out, my guess is that he meant it at the time, but was probably under the influence of a few drinks or so. Your feelings are very important and you have stated your desire for another baby, so there is no way he can say he didn't know it was important to you. This was an attempt to make you happy at the time and can be forgiven one time, but twice? This looks like an alarming pattern to me. And no I don't mean the kind of alarming pattern like a serial killer, adulterer, or child molester. This is much more subtle. The kind of pattern of a person that does not value you or your expectations. Will he do this to your children also? Really think this through. Any time someone says they do not want another child they DO NOT WANT ANOTHER CHILD. You have to deal with this reality and adjust your expectations. My view of the problem is that you are dealing with two major issues and need the help of a professional to guide you through. Almost every township office in Illinois can tell you where to get counseling and Catholic Charities can help with referrals also. You are worth being treated well. When I read the other letters I could feel the concern from other mamas for you and hope you know we all care.

I think this has less to do with whether he wants another baby and more with what is going on with the two of you. You mentioned that counseling was helping before you found out about insurance. If you could find a couples bible study to do (They are usually free or really cheap) at you church or a local one that could help. Just becareful for what you wish for... We have a eleven and eight year old. I wanted a third, and he didn't. When he finally gave in I got more than I bargained for. We have a almost two year old, I'm four months pregnant, and he still wants another! Crazy! Good luck to you.

I know it hurts when he changes his mind, but consider his point of view in the matter too. A third child (my third is almost 1 1/2) is a big change to the family and pretty demanding of everyone- emotionally, physically, financially and space-wise.
Try talking to him about these issues, and figure out what his concerns are.
Good luck!

Not having insurance is no reason for not doing counceling. Elk Grove has Kennith Young Center and makes reasonable fees according to how much $ is coming in. Your town or village may have somewhere also. Tell your husband to grow up or shut up! Who does he think he is treating your feeling like nothing? Or maybe he can't handle the responsibility of another one...he is still hangin out with the boys!!!

Many of the local community colleges offer free couseling. Best of luck to you.

Hi M. P.,

I'm sorry. I don't know what advice to offer, but I did want to empathize with you. My husband went through his own rough period all last year, which caused him to treat me poorly. What turned it around was 1)my faith and 2)standing up for myself - my wants and needs as a human being and a wife.

He is really abusing your love and trust by playing with a very strong desire of yours, and you need to be strong and let him know that and express your hurt. Of course, you have to be honest about it, too (don't over dramatize or be cruel - just be honest with yourself and he about how you are feeling).

I hope that helps some. Good luck.

I don't have any immediate answers for you ..but if you can't afford counseling and think it would help...you can come to our group for struggling marriages. It is held at our church and open to anyone. We meet on Thursday evenings at 7pm and on Sunday mornings at 8:30 and 10:30am ...there is childcare offered at all times. You can call the office at 1-###-###-#### and sign up. There is no obligation...you don't ever really have to talk and you will get a lot out of it by just listening to others. My husband and I went for about one year and it helped tremendously...we have been leading a group now for over 5 years. I would recommend it to anyone. It's been the best thing and we have seen people change. Hope this helps...K. P.

Like anything, marriage is a compromise. I am certain it was not your husband's intention to break a promise or renege on an agreement, but obviously, he has great reservations about having another baby at this time and he just doesn't have the heart to tell you because you seem so set on it. Maybe you can sit down and have a real heart to heart and see how and why "he feels" the way he does about it. Perhaps he likes the fact that the two of you are finally becoming free of the care taking of a very small child and can have some alone time together. A baby does throw a lot into the mix as you know. Please be patient and hear him out and go from there.

Do you know why he doesn't want #3? My husband and I went through me wanting #3 and him not. He told me that possibly in the future he might want another, but not for a while. Well, I ran out of pills and I told him and HE was sure to be very careful after that (or so we thought). I felt hurt that he was so against having another one. Well, somehow (I guess divine intervention) I became pregnant with #3. I had no idea how I was going to tell him. When I did he asked how did that happen? I didn't know. BUT it was also after I got pregnant with #3 that he said he was worried about supporting another child. He was also worried about the drain on me. We have 2 very hyper and active children as is. We live in a small 2 bedroom apartment and have a car that seats 5. Those are other thing he was worried about. I knew we could still make it work. We got a used van with income tax money and we are starting to rearrange things to fit another child. HE is even talking about a #4 in the future. You said you have good communication with your husband, which is great. I know for me when I wanted #3 and he kept telling me no it was a subject I no longer wanted to approch. I also know that when I did become pregnant with #3 he was very supportive and accepting. I think you 2 need to work through his feelings of why he doesn't want #3. It may be something legitimate that you haven't thought of. I've also heard that guy worry more about how to support a growing family. I'm sure you've thought through expenses and income and if you can/how to support another child, but guys still worry more about it, even if there is a way to do it. Most of the time they feel they should be the providers and protectors, and what happens if they lose their job etc, etc. I don't know if this is helpful, but best of luck to both of you and working through this.

Read - Men are like waffles, Women are like spaghetti

Your husband should not have offered to "go for it" if he wasn't committed. This isn't quite like changing his mind on a paint color or vacation. Continue to get counseling any way you can. maybe though church? And get to the real issue(s) not just this surface one. Communication will never be the same if you cannot trust him to be honest or are questioning if/when he will change his mind again. You both need to come up with "rules" to follow for your communication. When my husband is "just talking" he states this so I don't take what he has to say as "final". this has helped us avoid a lot of "you said", "I said" discussions and hurt feelings.

Get counseling for sure. With God, all things are possible. xo

This is so tough. My husband and I are going through the same thing. I am also ready for baby number 3, and I am met with much resistance. Prayer is the most positive thing that you can do. My husband isn't quite there yet, but he was at an absolute "No, we are done having children" to "I'll think about it" Obviously there are no guarantees. If he makes the offer again, forget the cruise and get on it. Chart your cycles as best you can and make sure you are intimate on those days. Don't hesitate or he may break your heart again. My husband and I are much more intimate when I am fertile so he doesn't fell so left out! I'll pray for you, good luck.

This is such a tough thing, especially when it is someone you love so much, like your husband doing it, He is your life partner and want to be able to share everything with. For me, i would say, make some time for just you and he. Have a nice dinner or something and take the tiime to focus on you two and ask if you could have a serious talk with him. Let him know your feelings on the matter and that you are getting mixed signals from him. Help him understand that this causes a wall between you and he and for you, you need the honesty from him. Those feelings of wanting another child, I totally understand. I have two wonderful children (9 years a part). I wanted more, but that is not for him. He mentioned that maybe one day we could adopt. I loved being pregnant and told him that, it took some time (and don't get me wrong, I sometimes feel resentment), but I am getting past the fact that having another will not be in my future. I am 45 now and that's part of the reason. I have been filling that need with other children in our lives. It isn't the same, I know, but very rewarding.

I do feel, however, that talking with him openly and honestly is a good place to start. I did, and feel better that at least he knows where i am coming from. Be honest with him, you don't want this to be the thing that pulls apart.

Dear M. P,

I don't know how old you are, or if you know the state of your fertility, but I wanted to tell you that at some point, you might not be ABLE to have any more kids (as happens to all women eventually)!

I have always been healthy, and and when I was in my early 30's, it only took us 6 months to conceive our child. Mid 30's came and I wasn't yet ready for #2 (we had moved and were still unpacking). At age 36 we decided it was time to start trying again, and guess what, it's been over two years of TTC, I turn 39 soon! Because we never had trouble with #1, it never crossed our minds that #2 wouldn't be as easy. I remember thinking at 35, "I am soooo not ready!" and now, I am facing the possibility of NEVER having #2.

Just thought I'd throw that into the mix. The best of luck, I hope you can come to an agreement soon.

M.

That is really rotten! I kind of know how you feel. I am actually pregnant with my 3rd right now (due in August) but it happened by luck and perhaps divine intervention. A year before we became pregnant we had a "scare" and really thought I was pregnant, then I got my period. I was so disappointed I asked my husband if we could start trying and he said we could in one year. Well, a couple of months before it was "time" I started reminding my husband and he said he wasn't ready. This made me so mad and hurt because I didn't feel he would ever be ready, and I felt he was breaking a promise. I was dealing with such bad PMS that I decided to go on Yaz. I had horrible side effects so I went off of it after just 2 weeks. I told my husband that I was going off of it, and that we'd have to be careful (as much as I wanted to get pregnant, I didn't want to do it in a deceitful way). To my amazement, he wasn't his usual careful self in the weeks following, and we did become pregnant. I don't know what made him not be careful (that is where the divine intervention might have come in). But honestly, what your husband is doing just sounds cruel. If I were you, I would refuse sex completely until he is ready to conceive. If he wants to play games, so can you.