When Is It OK to Talk About Death?

I highly recommend the book "Love you forever" by Robert Munsch.

Last year, when my daughter was three, there was a girl in her preschool class whose father was killed in a car accident. The school was straightforward with the children (using the word died) and said that he was now in heaven. My daughter asked me a few questions at the time. I just answered her questions and didn't try to over-explain.

Eight months later with no other "triggers," Grace became afraid that every time I left her I would die and not come back. She had terrible separation anxiety with everyone I left her with including her dad. I tried everything I could think of (this was my pre mamasource days). Two things worked to help her sort things out: A book called "I'll love you forever" and celebrating Day of the Dead (which I've never done before). The more down to earth and simple I was, the more comforted she felt.

I would let your son take the lead. I personally don't use euphemisms for death. When this challenges me (even when we're talking about simple issues like where our food comes from), I think of kids who grow up on farms and see the circle of life everyday.

Best wishes to your entire family!

Hi J.,
With your toddler, I'd approach talking to him about the loss as no one being able to see or spend time with this relative again, that she has passed away and is gone to heaven -and that only other people in heaven can see and spend time with her now. I wouldn't say her soul is gone, just 'her', as I don't think your son can grasp our soul leaving our body (if you believe in God, that is -if you don't, I doubt you'll say she's gone to heaven, although, I think at his age he needs a 'place' that she's moved on to, whatever your beliefs are). I doubt he'll grasp it at all, but it will make enough sense to him that he won't see her again if you tell him that, in particular. It might help him understand (a little) about why other relatives he will see seem sad or 'miss' her... because they won't get to see her again either, as they are not in heaven. I wouldn't say much and I'd keep it pretty simple. I think your desire to answer his 'why' is right-on, and I do not think it's inappropriate to tell him a 'version' of death tailored to his age at all. Death is part of life and reaches everyone of all ages at some time or another. Sadness and grief, too, are part of life and he will likely see a bit of sadness and grief when he visits other relatives. I really believe that, if approached gently for young children's awareness, death & grief can be learned to be (although very painful, also) just that, another part of life --some things are joyous, happy and sometimes there are births and new babies.. other times things can be sad and sometimes there are deaths in the family and in the world. (For every season... )
My condolences to your brother and sister-in-law's family and all who knew and loved your brother's mother-in-law. I hope she didn't suffer and was able to live as full a life as possible before her passing.
I talked with my son 'young' about the death of a loved one, too (we lost his brother when my living son was a yr older than your son is now --and my son had begun to have rudimentary understandings of the concept all on his own months before our loss). I also grew up knowing about death from a young age, so young I don't even remember the age (but it was pretty young)... just always knew I had a sister that died before I was born (and I'm glad I did know that growing up, glad my mother shared that with me in the 'part of our life, part of our history' way she did.. not at all upsetting to me, but a gift).

My husband's aunt passed away when our son was about 3 years old. We explained that she had died and gone to heaven because she was very sick. We told him that she went to live with God so she could be happy and not be sick anymore. We did not have anyone to watch him and had to take him to the funeral. We explained that he had to be quiet because we were all going to tell God to take care of her and that everyone would be sad, especially his cousins, because we were also saying goodbye to her.

After the funeral he asked his cousins if they were still sad and when they said yes, he asked if he still had to be sad too. I told him that if he did not feel sad, he was done saying goodbye to his great-aunt, but that his cousins would have a harder time saying goodbye since she was their mommy. We told him that his great-grandpa, his aunt's daddy, had also died before he was born and that he would be waiting for her in heaven.

He was mature for his age and did not have a problem with it, especially since we associated dying with being very sick. About a year later when we lost a puppy to Parvo, he brought it up after I talked to him about the puppy going to heaven. He told me the puppy would be with his aunt and they would both be together and happy. It was very sweet.

You know your child best and eventually your son is going to learn about it. It may be best to begin now with a relative he did not get to spend lots of time with. I think that was another factor on our side with our son; he only saw his aunt about 6-8 times a year and less as she got sicker. Hope this helps...

Hi J.,
My mother-in-law's dog was old & ill so on my daughter's 2nd B-day he was put to sleep. My daughter knew the dog well and we told her that Bango was very old and sick so he died and went to heaven where he will never be sick again. We stated it very matter of factly and told her that it is part of life. My father also passed away while I was pregnant with her. When we look at pictures of my dad, I tell her that Grandpa Benny got VERY sick while she was in my tummy and that he died & went to heaven. I tell her that he was very sorry he wasn't going to see her but that he was always watching over her. She seems to understand to some degree. She always tells her grandma how sad she is about Bango. I believe in being honest as possible.
Hope this helps,
L.

My condolences on your family's loss. I had a similar situation when my son was 3. One of my uncles died. My son loved his great uncle so much. I didn't know how to handle it, but I finally told my son that his great-uncle was sick and had gone to heaven. I explained he wouldn't be back but he loved, my son, very much and he was in a much happier place. I think you have to tell your son something about death. I don't think I used the word much, but your son has to know about it, in terms that he can understand. In my opinion, it is better to prepare him for what is coming than to hear it from someone else. I hope this helps.

Hi J., my sympathy goes to your whole family on your loss. My son is 4 and we just went to my grandfather's funeral last weekend. We have had some experience with death already as my mother died when my son was 2. We have been as honest as we can with him about what death is and how it affects us. I think it's fine to let your kids know that you are sad and that you miss people. What I tell my son is my belief about death, which is that the people who have died live in our hearts and are always with us. We keep our memories of them, and we remember their love for us.

Something to remember is that kids often don't have the same emotional baggage about death that we do. They are curious about the mechanics of living and death, but to them it isn't always something sad. My son asked a lot of very straightforward questions about what happens when we die and what happens to our bodies. He has also come out with statements like "Mommy, you're allergic to cats so we can't have one. I want you to die so we can get a cat." It's not a shocking thing to him, it's just very logical and he isn't being mean on purpose.

Good luck!

I am sorry to hear of your loss. As for how much your son can understand, that will depend on him. My son did show a remarkable understanding of what had happened when his grandfather passed away when he was 3, and like the poster below we explained that his grandfather had "gone to live with God" because the body he lived in here on earth had gotten too old, tired and sick. We answered all my son's questions as accurately and concisely as possible. Basically, you have to let your son be your guide on what to say, because it is all so individual.

Also, don't be surprised if you get a comment or question about it all out of the blue in 6 months or a year. Children are funny that way. Be prepared to be honest, sympathetic, and concise, when that happens.

My condolences to you and your family.
Let your son guide the topic. Answer the question to the extend that he understands it in his terms. Remember, what he is really asking is,... "is that going to happen to me or you?" "What does this mean to our family." "how does it change the way we are as a family." He just wants to know that he is "safe." We lost my husband's father, my aunt and he hears what's on the t.v., radio at times. (7 year old). He asks us question and we don't make a big deal about it but reinforce that value of "life" and how lucky we are to have him and his sister in our lives and what it means to be a family.

hope that helps and I know what you mean by a "mature" kids... both of ours exhibit that type of mind set,.. so we figure we need to answer the questions in the manner that it was asked and let them guide the discussion.

Death is part of life. I would not approach death as something to be feared. You know your child and what will or will not scare him. I like to approach death with the going thru the door theory. We must be invited by someone from the other side. We never open the door ourselves. We wait to be invited and then we will all eventually go to see what it is we do not know. God Bless Enjoy this life and the next. Jesus is my Savior, who is yours. T.

TELL THE TRUTH!!!!!!! My brother died when I was five and my mother never involved me in it at all, thinking she'd protect me from it. You can't protect people from an awful reality. I wish I had known he was going to die. I wish I'd had a chance to say goodbye and kiss him. I wish I'd gone to his funeral. Instead I blamed myself for his death and now have a gut level fear of people just 'disappearing' on me (mostly my kids). PARENTS INVOLVE YOUR KIDS IN DEATH!! It's a part of life!! Also, I agree if you don't have the book "Love You Forever", get it. You'll cry every time you even look at it. It's sad but beautiful.