How Do You Explaim Death to a 3 Year Old

We have 4 children and 2 years ago we had 2 Great Grandmothers pass away in 2 months right after #4 was born. We also had the last Great Grandmother pass away this year.
We have also had a classmate die during a daughter's Kindergarten year. As you can see, we have experienced talking to our children about death quite a bit. Each time, we have always had one of our kids at the age of 3, like yourself. This is such a personal topic, but my opinion is that you really must address this with your daughter. You need to help her have closure and understand what happened, even if it will be hard on her. Part of our discussion with our kids have included the following: In life we are all born and we all die, we are so sad when our loved one dies because we won't be seeing them for a long time, but we think about all the happy times we had with them when we are sad. They are going to a happy place where they won't be hurting anymore and the wonderful thing is that they will be waiting for us when we go there too. We look through pictures and talk and pray about the person for a handful of time too. I have explained that at the funeral, people will be crying because they will be missing them and thinking about all the happiness the peron brought to their lives. It's ok to cry and it's ok not to cry. Dad and I want to hold your hand and hug you if you want us to. The person who has passed doesn't want us to be sad for a long time though, they want us to be happy and remember them.

I know some of the above has religious undertones, so take it for what it's worth. I have been extremely surprised how a funeral has helped my children have closure. If you feel strongly about not taking your daughter, then maybe get a babysitter, pick up your daughter after the funeral and have her surrounded by family for at least some time and tell her that is a way of thinking about how special your loved one was/is. Best wishes in taking this on and I am so sorry for your loss.

i am sorry for your loss
i went through this in february when my aunt died. my children didn't really know what had happened, but they knew mommy was sad and felt and mimicked my emotions. I told my then barely turned four year old daughter that my auntie had died. she didn't know what that meant so i explained that she "went away" for a while and that it would be a long time before we would see her again. she had to go somewhere where she wouldn't be sick anymore. i didn't take my kids to the service, but i did take them to the reception that followed. Don't worry about telling her about death at such a young age, because she won't worry about it. just make sure you use tearms that she can understand and present it as a normal part of life, which, lets face it, it is, and not something to be frightened of. good luck and gob bless

Hi J.. I am sorry for your loss. This is a difficult situation with young children. It seems like mine didn't really grasp what was going on when they were that young, even though I explained it. My youngest still makes comments that make it feel like she is still trying to wrap her mind around what has happened. I don't think this is unusual. Do your best but realize that explaining and understanding death is not a one-time deal. It will be a continuing conversation.
As far as her not attending the funeral, I think you are right. There is really no reason for a child that young to be there. I would strongly encourage you to find a sitter, though, and go yourself.

If she can't handle it, that's what you tell those people who question you "we decided it's best for our daughter not to go so we'll be staying home". I know it's not really the season to plant trees but maybe you could have her pick out a small (coffee-can sized) tree & y'all could grow it over the winter in a flower pot or something & plant it in the spring. Call it a memory tree.
We have the book Nana Upstairs, Nana Downstairs (or downstairs & then upstairs, not sure which) which deals w/a grandparent dying-it was helpful when my Grandpa died, but we also went to see him before he died & my boys were comfortable w/the fact that he was in a bed w/oxygen, he couldn't talk well, or see well, but he was still there in the bed... I let them make the choice to touch him or not, but both handled his aging (his body gave out at 92, he didn't have health problems or die suddenly) very well & when he did die, we were sad together. I'd go to your local library & ask what they've got to help you. I'm not sure what your religion teaches about death & dying (assuming you have one) but I'd go that route too-ask somebody if they could help you explain your faith's teachings about death if you're not sure you can do it well enough to suit you.
My feeling has always been that death is a part of life, but my boys have never been to an Army memorial service with me-I just don't feel it's the place for them, unless it was a friend or family member. If there was a funeral for a family member or friend that came up, they'd go, but that's how I was raised-we have over 200 people on my side of the family that are just my dad's cousins & their kids so there was always someone sick or dying.
Follow your heart. If you think she can't handle it, don't make her try. Do have someone pick up a memorial card for her & you, something for her to have when she's older & understands more. Take her to his grave when the time is right. Maybe you can write him a letter, telling him how sad you all are that you won't be able to see him anymore...
Good luck!

My condolences to you and your family. This part of life is a difficult transition for anyone much less a 3 year old.Tell your daughter that he had to go on a journey that only he could take . Tell her that it is no fault of anyone that he had to go. Considering what your religious beliefs are on life or no life after death go from there. Not attending the services could delay the healing process for you. Get a provider for your daughter or prepare her ahead of time by explaining there will alot of sad people there. If you dont go, Im sure your family wont be disappointed in you. We all have our limits on the amount of emotional stress we can handle and you also know the amount your daughter can handle. You make the call and know that you are making the best decision.

I would say you need to explain to her what death is and go to the funeral. If she gets too upset, you can leave at that point. Why limit your child's experiences based on what you think might happen? Funerals are not all doom and gloom. They are about celebrating a life. I took my three children, the youngest was 2 weeks old and the oldest was 4, to my grandmothers funeral. I don't think they even noticed the sad atmosphere. We were happy for the life that my grandmother lived and were happy to see family and friends again. I guess what I am saying is that death is a natural part of life, you don't need to shield your children from it and you can't know what will happen until you witness it happening. Explain to your daughter what has happened in as basic a way as you can, tell her what you will be doing at the funeral and then discuss what she was feeling afterwards.

Good luck.

J.,
I am a psychotherapist and have talked with many adults who experienced the death of a loved one at an early age and were unable or not allowed to communicate their feelings. These experiences have affected them throughout their lives. I don't know where you live, but if you're in the Denver area I recommend Judi's House www.judishouse.org which is a place for kids (even toddlers)to go to deal with the death of a loved one. It's an awesome organization that has great resources for you.

J.,

I think you are not giving your own parenting skills, and your daughter enough credit! Of course introducing death, dying, funerals, etc is hard and definitely difficult for a 3 year old mind to fully comprehend, BUT she was very close to this uncle and people die. We introduced this whole scenario to our oldest (She's now 8) when she was 2, again at 3, and 5. Her Great-Grandparents passed away when she was 3. We spent a great deal of time with them in the months prior to their passing (a month apart or so). She did really well at the funeral, not so great at the viewing portion. It didn't bother her that there was someone lying in a casket, but more that she was just so happy to see everyone, and was a bit more jovial than I thought was appropriate, though no one complained.

Don't miss the funeral thinking it will scare her. Tell her. Tell her how YOU feel about it, tell her what you believe about it. (Uncle John is in heaven now with Great-grandma... or the dog Bitsy...) Go in confident and she'll feel that confidence and feel better about funerals, dying and death. Little children are so wise, and learn so quickly. Teach her, share the love you have for this Uncle of hers with her, and let it be a good experience. Let it. Don't miss it.
V.
hope some of that helps.

My advice is your daughter does not need to attend the funeral. You, however should. So make arrangements to grive and share in the celebration of life for this close family member.
We have been through a few family deaths already and my 3 and 5 year old did not attend the funerals. I sat them down and calmly let them know that the person was in heaven. (If that is not your belief, relay whatever your beliefe is)He asked a few questions, shed a few tears, and we said a prayer and I let him know he could talk to that person whenever he liked know b/c they would always be there for him in heaven.
Also, whenever he gets a new beauty mark, he runs to show me and we try to guess which of his angels (his grandparents) in heaven gave him a kiss... Best wishes.

Explain what happens when a person dies - use your religion's explanation if possible. Keep it very simple. Don't use terms like "gone away" because she could think he's coming back.

I would take her to the funeral. I only say this because she was close to him. She needs the closure and chance to say good-bye as much as the rest of the family. Tell her in advance what to expect - he'll look like he's asleep, but he isn't really. It's his body only and his spirit went back to heaven (or however you have explained it to her). Bring some coloring books and quiet toys, she's likely to get bored if it goes for very long. And you might want to sit near an easy exit in case you need to take her out. But I think she'll be okay at it

This is a big issue for us right now as well. My step dad passed away in July and here's our story.

My step dad was end stage Alzheimers and was at the very end. I went to visit mom on a Sunday, with the kids, as he was OK, but still failing. He passed away as we were all standing there. My kids are 3 and 5. He died while they watched, we were singing songs to him, so there was no getting around it for us. My heart broke, for them, me, mom....it was terrible. They watched the coroner come take him away as he died at home.

I had intended on shielding them, but God had other plans for us.

My thought was they've seen the worst of it now so I took them to the memorial/funeral service for him. They appreciated the chance to say good bye, and to see everyone else say their good byes. It was sad, yes. But death is a part of living.

Both my kids have been full of questions on what happens to the body, what happens to the soul. They are surprisingly articulate about their concerns, grief and issues about death and dying.

Now that I've been through this, and talked to the hospice workers at length (am I scaring my kids??) I would highly suggest that you be open and honest with her. Take her to the funeral and let her see people saying their good byes. Explain it, talk to her. Get some books from the library, they have a whole section to deal with grief-just ask the librarian to help you.

Kids know exactly what's going on. If you don't talk to them and keep it open then it scares and confuses them more. It just looks like some one disappears, rather than a final closure, KWIM? If you show them, they get it and are better prepared to deal with it.
GL in your decision and I'm very sorry for you loss.

We just went through a similar thing with our 3 year old as our grandfather died with whom he was close with as well. We explained to him that grandpa had died, which meant he was going to live with God and we couldn't visit him. We told him He was happy and safe, but we were sad because we wouldn't be able to see him anymore.
Personally, I think it's better for you to try to explain to your child rather than hide it from her. She's a tough cookie--and she needs this sense of closure. All the parents I've seen who try to hide death, or ignore it when it hits close to home, their kids have a very unhealthy view of death and get even more freaked out as time goes on. Instead of learning how to deal with it they remain lost and scared by it. My one friend is at the point where she can't let her child see a dead bug without him breaking down and asking if that's how grandpa died and where is their cat? All because she wouldn't take him to the funeral, wouldn't share with him the information about death. It's not scary--it is sad. They do understand he difference when it's explained in the right way.

I'm so sorry for your families loss J.. It is so painful and there are so many different steps to get through when dealing with death. I agree with you that it would be upsetting to a 3 year old to go to a funeral. Especially, since you say she is a sensitive spirit anyway. Could you get a sitter for the funeral and go yourself? I would still explain death to her the best you can. I believe that we need to teach these life lessons to our children. If we don't there are schools and friends and even family that is willing to teach them. They might not do it in the loving manner that you would. As hard as it is you are the best person to help her through this. K. K.

If you believe in Heaven, then tell your child. When my childrens' granfather died we told them that he had gone home to Heavenly Father and would watch over them. They handled death much better than I did. I was hesitant about going to the viewing and I am glad we did. My two older children were 2 and 4. They got to say goodbye to him, learned that death was a part of life and there was nothing to be afraid of. I didn't stay in the chapel for the funeral because my two year old was too loud. We played out in the foyer. You could take her to show support and say hello, then excuse yourselves and play in another room.

It depends on your religious beliefs, I suppose. It's pretty simple for us. We told our sons that there are people in our family whose bodies wore out so they went to live in heaven now. This wasn't in response to a death event, they just asked.

As for the funeral, hire a babysitter and go yourself! I agree, taking a 3 year old to a funeral is not a good idea. But you should go to show support for your family.

I've found the movie Charlotte's Web (the animated one) useful as a springboard for talking about mortality. Also, there is a book called Caillou Learns He's Getting Older, in which Caillou finds a dead bird, which leads to a discussion about how all of us grow, grow older, and eventually die. It's done in a very sensitive, age-appropiate way, and is aimed at preschoolers. Also, use whatever tools your faith provides you to talk about what happens to us after we die.

As for the funeral, make your decision based on your child and stick to it. Some in the family might criticize, but this is your call, not theirs. When my father passed away, I did not take my young children to the funeral, and I still believe that it was the right decision.

I'm so sorry for your family's loss.

You should go (I guess this is your brother in Law). You could choose not to take her and possibly get a family member to watch her. If not then you should attend and teach her about love and death. My daughter lost her brother at a young age, It was hard to get through and I had the same questions but she has developed much compassion through the expericene. Your attitude and how you react is the key to how she will learn to handle these things. Show love and kinkness and tell her how much her uncle loves her and will always be there. I think it is much worse if you don't face it. Kids are able to bounce back better than we are especially if we use honesty and strait forwardness in our conversations with them.

I will tell you my thoughts, but ultimatley, this is your decision. My hubby's grandpa passed away at the begining of this year. My daughter is 4. We told her about it. If you are religious at all, you can just tell her he went to live with God. We are religious, LDS (Mormon) and my daughter actually understood more about death than I thought. I just told her g.grandpa was in heaven with Heavenly Father. I told her he was old and sick. For her the key was OLD. she was worried about us dying. I told her we wouldn't die until we are old (and then prayed no one young close to us woudl die.) She seemed to handle the news ok. We just talked and asked if she had questions. It was in a different town, so sitters weren't an option. We took her to a viewing and just told her it looked like gpa was sleeping. We also attened the funeral. She is well behaved, so I didn't worry about he disturbing it. I think it helped my MIL to have her there. My MIL just lost her dad, but she had her grandbabies to cuddle and love.
I think this is totall your call. You know your child and her heart. I felt mine was mature enough to deal with it. I actually asked here about taking her to the funeral. Got lots of do and don't answers. You know best. Good luck.

Have you explained Heaven...and God to her...He has gone to heaven to be with god is a lot better than...He just never show's up again..ever...Kids are a lot smarter then most give them credit for.Now if it is you that don't want to go..thats another story.Prayer always helps me through every thing..I am sorry for your loss. In the end you will do what you feel is right...and then..you make it right. God bless you and your family. L. B.

J.,
I'm glaod that you got so much good feedback. I know that you haven't decided what to do yet so I thought I would give you my two cents to. I have been going to funerals all of my life and it doesn't make them any easier to go to but I am not so suprised by death as some of my peers. When I was in college, I had friends who were 20 years old and had never had to deal with the death of a loved one and they really had a much more difficult time dealing with it than those of us who had encountered death.
My guess is, that your daughter knows something has happened to this loved one and going to the funeral would allow her to experience sadness and empathy for others. I may also make dealing with the death more difficult for you if you don't go to the funeral. Death is a part of life and the earlier we realize it, the easier it is to deal with. Your daughter may suprise you with her reaction.

I am praying for you and your family as you go through this difficult time. It is never easy to loose a loved one and often we don't even understand why they are gone. It is even more difficult to get the message to a 3 year old.

Peace,
M.