When He Says He Doesn't Know If You're the One....

OMG, I've heard this before. Actually, I've said this before! It means you are NOT the one, but they can't just say it. It means things are comfortable but don't expect anything. Please, get out. He does not feel about you the way you feel about him. I know from personal experience. You will find the right one that adores you. xo

You aren't Ms. Right to him, you're Ms. Right Now. Regardless of whether you are pregnant or not (I'm hoping for the not for you), you should stop seeing him. Cut him loose. In my opinion, that is what he wants - to be free, but doesn't have the balls to break up with you.

You deserve a man that loves you as much as you love him. Good luck.

If it were me I would end the relationship - completely - and let him figure out what he wants out of life. At some point it may work out; then again, it may not. In the meantime you need to focus on building your own life the way you want it to be. If you guys can't do that together it doesn't make either of you "wrong" or bad people.

And I would hope & pray that I wasn't pregnant - it is scary to bring a child into a broken "nest" (though people certainly do it and try their best).

Good luck to you.

M.,

We married people like to think that we knew our spouse was the "one" as soon as met and that we never had any doubts. It's easy to know after the fact that you did marry the right one, but everyone has doubts at some point. And you have a guy who probably was totally in love with his ex-wife when they married and thought he was going to be with her forever. It's not surprising that he'd be cautious about getting married again because he might not understand why it didn't work out with his first marriage. How can he know you're the one when he thought someone else was the one and then it ended so badly?

If you don't live together, give yourself and him some space to figure things out. Be nice about it, but say you need some time because you feel that the two of you are on different pages. I'm not talking about playing games, but maybe a little time on his own will help him figure out what he wants - just be a reasonable adult about asking for it. If this guy is truly good to you, kind, considerate, helpful, but just "gun shy" about getting married again, give it some time. If you live together, give it some space in your relationship and don't talk about it or act upset when he says something about not knowing. Let him figure it out on his own. If you are the type who's always falling for the bad boy in the hopes that you can change him, then you need a break too to examine if you are seeing the real him or who you want him to be. It's up to you to decide if your needs are being met by this relationship right now, not if they might be in the future. I think you need to decide if this relationship makes you happy right now, regardless of what happens later.

Please go get yourself checked out at the doctor too. If you aren't pregnant, make sure you are on some good birth control and that you take it or use it the right way. Please don't do anything for the baby that you wouldn't do for yourself on your own. In other words, if you are pregnant, don't try to get this guy to marry you if it's not what you two would be doing otherwise because you'll probably just end up putting your child through a divorce down the road.

M.,
The moment you are back in control of your life, all things will work out. YOU make the decisions that make you happy, not other people. Unfortunately, the guy that you are in love with has been terribly hurt before and is quite cautious. Perhaps he does love you, but does not want to commit. Be in charge of your own happiness. At times, it is not easy, one issue at a time my friend. You are beautiful and worthy of much love and happiness.
xoxo
E.

Based on your previous post(s), I think you already know the answer. You are clearly conflicted by the fact that you KNOW he doesn't want anymore children...now you add on that he's said he doesn't KNOW if YOU are the right one.

I am going to be a little mean and say that if you are sexually active then it should never be a HUGE surprise to find yourself pregnant. I am not saying that from a moral point of view (afterall, I got knocked up while separated and in marriage counseling with my now ex-husband). Just that you should be realistic about the actual effectiveness of birth control even when used EXACTLY right...or even if you're using multiple forms..lol.

If you stay together, and continue to have sex (which is part of the deal, right) this won't be the last time you face this question. Should you find yourself pregnant, and he is still of the same mindset, he WILL blame you and think you did it on purpose.

Through my own experiences, I believe that if you can't have some idea of your suitability for each other after a year then MORE time isn't going to help. Of course, it could all depend on how long he waited to date after divorcing. Even the best of divorces are messy...but people go on to have healthy relationships (though at a statistically lower rate).

Good luck with this. I know how hard it is to "cut bait" and move on after having invested a year of your life. As women, we try so hard over and over again to make things work. We blame ourselves for things we have for which we have no influence. You are better off moving on before YOU get more damaged by this relationship.

P.S. I agree with the next poster, you should definitely see the doctor especially if you are actually expressing milk versus having a milk'like discharge. I weaned my daughter nearly two years a go and still have some milky discharge during some times of the month.

M., does your BF know that you might be pregnant? Maybe it scares him and he had a knee jerk reaction and said you aren't the one. When people get burned in a bad marriage/or a relationship they can be very wary of a committment. However, usually men never take the time alone to get to know themselves after a breakup and what they want next, but jump into a new relationship right away because they don't want to be alone. There are so many different reasons why he could have said that. Yes it is possible you are not the one, it's also possible that he is afraid. Can you look back this past year and see any sort of signal that he was just with you for the now and not the long haul? Can you after you confirm preggers or not have a calm conversation with him and ask him to clarify? If it is indeed true that you aren't the one then for your sake no matter how much you love him, cut him loose. I'm sorry all this is going on at the same time.

Are you sure he is not just saying that because you MIGHT be pregnant? You said it was a surprise so could it be because he dosen't really WANT a child? I would find out if you are pregnant for sure and then discuss the relationship with him. You know, there is some truth to the saying "Having a baby changes everything" so make sure he isn't having second thoughts about just that. Even if your relationship isnt' there anymore you would still have a child between the two of you to think about.
If you are not pregnant I would still evaluate the relationship so he dosen't string you along for too long. Good luck!!

To some of the answers here...she did say that she was Not trying to get pregnant...some of you seem to think she is. M. if you are still worried about being pregnant go to your doctor and ask for a blood test, they are more reliable then test done with urine. Even if you are pregnant you should mention about your breast expressing milk when squeezed because that shouldn't happen intill at least month 7 (and even that early is rare) As for this guy...if he is divorced he might be afraid of going through that again, but you shouldnt be caught up in it. maybe you should seperate for now and let him figure out what he wants, because its unfair to you to be in this situation. I wish you luck. Oh and to some of the more moral moms out there. I had my baby before my husband and I got married, and seeing what a good father he was made me love him more (and made being alone on the night of our wedding even more special)

If after a year he doesn't know if you're the one, then you are probably not. If you are pregnant, it will show over time. Take the test in another couple weeks and see what it says then. If you are not pregnant, you might want to check with your doctor why your breast is leaking and tender. If you are pregnant (hopefully not yet), then you have to start planning how to get this man who is not sure you're the one to play his part up front.

Honey if your not married to this man then let him leave.I'am married been with him for 10yrs. it has been 1 yr. when I was prego with our 3rd child he told me he didn't "LOVE" me anymore it was ugly we argue he is very verbal on his end.I think it is on the verge of a Divorce I still love/ care for him he is the dad of my 3 kids.No I don't want him to leave.
In your situation get a blood test have you missed any cycles?He has been Divorced & maybe it is true he feel's your not the one we can't change feelings of the one's we love.I'am now kicking myself not telling him to leave well I told him but he didn't I should of had some force on the situation.Now things have escalated.

Makes me think of the book "He's just not that into you." Sorry--not meaning to be harsh. See a doc and see if there is a baby involved. If so, you will be tied to this man for 18 years. If not, I'd send him packing and tell him you KNOW he's not the O.. Good luck!

Personally, I would back off a bit and give him some space so he can gather his thoughts. We can be stand offish, even when we are madly in love. My very good friend just did the same thing in the jewelry store. The two of them have talked about getting married with no reservations, but when he tried to surprise her with a ring, she freaked out. Now she feels bad and wishes she could take back her reaction.

Hey everyone please take note, she states if she is pregnant it is a complete surprise. She doesn't state she is trying to trap this guy with a baby.

I do not know if I would want to invest much needed energy into trying to make him feel "you are the one". That is a lot of work, time consuming and more than likely does not turn into the situation you are dreaming of. I really hope you are not pregnant as that usually makes them turn the other way when they are not emotionally happy or makes them stay and EVERYONE is unhappy. When they stay because they feel trapped or obligated, it is never a good situation. I think if you are sexually active with him during this "unsure" time because of physical needs (because it sure is not emotional or love) at this state, you need to protect yourself and make sure you are using a reliable method of birth control. With the other symptoms you have described, does not mean you are pregnant. So do not count on those. I would take another "First Response" like test and see what it says; with the hopes it says you are not pregnant. You then need to place that energy into figuring out what the relationship really is... Even though you are "in love" you should love yourself more than anyone else in the world. To love yourself more than life itself. When you realize that you deserve to be treated like a Princess then you will not take second best for most things. You need to realize you mean more and not try to get someone to fall in love with you. He needs to figure out where he is and what he feels and YOU can not MAKE anyone feel any different. Everyone has their own feelings (which are internally & self sprouted) & everyone can only be in charge of their OWN actions. If you think you will change him; I am letting you know darling that will NEVER happen. You DESERVE to have someone to be in love with you as much as you are them. If you are feeling so "in love" with him and him not with you; you will be the one short changed. Don't you deserve to feel the love that you can give? You deserve for someone to love you back." If you spend all of your time giving and trying to change him to give; your love tank will soon run empty sweetie and when the initail phase is over, you too will be in the shoes of his ex-wife. Do not try to make a shoe fit if it just does not fit. Think about it!!! Sorry it is probably not what you want to hear. ;( You are not the one for him and he is not the one for you. Good Luck...

I think Michelle is on the right track here. You deserve someone that loves you with every ounce of their being and has no reservations. I have 2 rules that helped me find the right one.
1. the 'if only'. If you (or he) thinks the relationship would be perfect 'if only' he didn't do this...or did that....it won't work. The relationship is what it is, today. You have to accept them as they are because the bad behavior will only get worse. They are what they are and you have to accept them. If you are thinking 'if only he would do this (fill in the blank) it would be perfect'- then it is not the right relationship.
2. 'nuts about you'. If the person is nuts about you, they will do what it takes to be together with you. They will never stand you up, they won't treat you badly, they won't play mind games. They will do what it takes.

Maybe this is the one - maybe it isn't. But all you can do is control your reactions. Make sure he measures up. Expect the best and settle for nothing less. The right one is worth waiting for.

Hey hun, sorry you're having such a tough time. First off, there are going to be a ton of women telling you you're doing a terrible thing for trying to get pregnant and not being married. Just wanted to let you know that I am NOT one of those women and I support your decision. However, a baby is not going to mend whatever issues your man is having. It almost sounds like he's already got one foot out the door, and that sucks :( You need to keep in the back of your head, that even if you DO get pregnant with your guy, there's always the chance that you could end up raising that child yourself. Maybe he's just scared of the commitment of marriage because of what he's already been through... maybe the baby talk to too soon, who knows. I would suggest going to couples counseling to get someone outside the box to mediate and see what the real issues are here. I know you've got to be crushed for him to have said 'I'm not sure you're the one'... it might be time to step up and take pride in yourself and re-evaluate the relationship, because that's a pretty disrespectful and hurtful thing to say! Hope things get better, no matter which road life takes you down! Best wishes!! :)

It HAS to be a two way street. If he needs time or whatever, then give it to him. My suggestion......STOP the sex and see what kind of relationship you really have. That will tell you what you really have........or not. Maybe the whole thought of having a family is frightening to him and he is afraid to commit. For the sake of everyone - INCLUDING a possible child - make sure you have what it takes to see it thru the long haul. The last thing you need or want is to push forward and then a year, two years or so down the road, he decides he never wanted the relationship in the first place and felt trapped.

YOU HAVE to put your emotions aside and do what is right and best for everyone, looking at the long term and not the immediate. It is hard! I know! I did it! And as I had my suspicions, DESPITE our fabulous relationship, I felt he still had issues to work thru. All of his weaknesses I thought he had, came to surface and he is now is a VERY "dark" place. I think this is EXACTLY what he needed to figure out what he really wants. He's going to thru alot of "re-evaluating", etc. right now and he needed to do that! VERY HARD to back off but I KNEW I had to for my sake as well as his. He needed to "slay his dragons" on his own. NOT that I'm not there for him as a friend - he's said he knows that no one will ever love him and his daughter as much as I do - but I HAVE to allow him to work things out. I can NOT do that for him.

Good luck.

Well FIRST off why are you trying to have a baby with a man that you aren't married to?? I am not trying to be all moral here, but raising a kids is HARD so to go into it without a solid home situation is crazy! Trust me!!!
You do not want to have a baby alone!!!!
If he is saying you might not be the one I would RUN! That is never a good sign. Mentally he is moving on my dear.
What if you get prego and he finally figures out you aren't the one and then you are stuck with a kid!
Seriously take a step back for a minute and evaluate your life! Find a man that knows you are the one (you deserve that) and wait to have kids with your husband!!!
Forcing this man to stay around by making a baby will only backfire!
Good luck...