When Do I Step In

I think you are on target with the "let the kids handle it themselves" however it is difficult to do that when you see your child being picked on. My daughter is in the 6th grade and we have allowed things to work themselves out in the past. Of course we give her lots of wise counsel at home (as it seems you are doing). The tween years are a lot tougher for girls than we imagine it to be or perhaps tougher than we remember. I recommend reading the book "Queen Bees and Wanna Be's" in addition to "Reviving Ophelia". These two references might give you more insight to what is really happening and how to manage things. I DO think it is a very good idea to quietly (not to make it a public ordeal and thereby compound the problem) let the teacher(s) know what is happening so she/they can keep a watchful eye on the situation...JUST IN CASE (as it seems the ring leader has a personality disorder of some sort in addition to OBVIOUSLY being VERY jealous of your daughter). Make certain that your daughter knows she should feel pity (although I know that is the LAST emotion she probably can muster right now) for her agitating school mate as she must be very unhappy with things in her life at this time. Misery loves company as they say.

Your daughter is entering the worst years in school, in my opinion-Middle school. Boys and girls at this age can be so mean and hateful that it can affect their "victims" for life. I would encourage your daughter to seek out new friends and to affirm her good behavior. You must have a good relationship with her if she feels comfortable talking to you about this. I know it's hard, but if you can encourage her to befriend a "new" kid or another group of friends who have like values ( such as friends in a church youth group)and to see that what the "former" friend was doing is wrong, she may be able to ride this storm. I would also tell her that people who put other people down don't have very good opinions about themselves. They put others down to make themselves feel superior. Your daughter will be stronger for it if she can remember this and not question her own worth. I went through a similar incident with one of my sons. Today as a grown man he is kind and self confident. Sincerely, P. B

M., continue to teach your daughter what is right...maybe suggest that she spend time with other friends, support her and encourage her.....maybe suggest that "she" your daughter be the one to sever the friendship.....but it's really hard to do anything about a nasty friend.....R.

I would absolutly talk to the teacher. Your daughter doesn't have to know you are discussing her friendship. The teacher may be able to give you some guidance. Who knows, there could be another child in the room that could really use a good friend. With guidnce from the teacher, you may be able to steer your daughter toward a friend that would truly behave as a friend should.

I really hate to tell you this, but that is typical middle school behavior. It's going to be the same for the next 3 years. There's not a whole lot you can do about it other than forcing your daughter to not be friends with this girl, but the majority of middle school (I know she's in 5th grade, but they're entering into the middle school behavior at that age too) girls actually act like that. All you can really do is just pray hard that she finds one of the few nice, sweet groups of friends out there. At this age, if you try to intervene with her friends, it'll probably just make things harder on her. This doesn't come from experience with my kids because my olest is only 6yrs old, but this comes from years of substitute teaching, experience from my years in middle school, and from years of hearing my mother gripe almost every day about this exact same thing from her middle school students (she's a 7th grade teacher) and constantly making me promise to homeschool her grandbabies during their middle school years. :)
I really hope everything works out. That's the toughest age in my opinion and the few years in my life I'd NEVER want to relive ever again.

K.
SAHM of 4 (6, 5, 3 & 9mths)

M.,

Boy do I understand your issue! My daughter is also in 5th grade and she to is experiencing something similar. The only difference is Emma is not new to school and the girl that is giving her such a hard time was one of her best friends last year. We have had many a tearful exchanges about this issue and Emma also tells her that she does not want to be treated in this manner. It can be hard telling your child to turn the other cheek. I really do not have any advice because we are trying to muttle thru ourselves, but be supportive and listen let her vent, Emma and I created a jar, we call it the What were they thinking jar, she can write or draw her vent about people that are being mean and put it in the jar, at the end of the week we take them out and throw them in the fire or rip them to shreds, it helps. Hang in there my friend.

It doesn't sound like this friendship is worth saving.

I would help my daughter build/strengthen another friendship. Is there another girl in her class or grade that she enjoys but doesn't actually hang out with. Perhaps someone that may also be searching for a friend? You could invite that person to your house this Saturday for lunch, maybe a craft activity, and some time to visit. By Monday they may be great friends.

If the old friend continues to search her out to tease and bother her . . . that is definately bullying and should be reported to the teacher.

As I told mine when she was 11 (now 12) "In a few years you aren't going to listen to a thing I have to say and I won't have any control over you, so for now I am telling you who you can be friends with because you are still a child and learning how to be responsible with your choices." Seven months into the school year and she has seen first hand how right I have been. She actually appreciates it. She is seeing and dealing with it so well I am so proud. As she says, she is friendly with the girls but not hanging around with them because they have all seemed to go their own way and are 'mean' to everyone (not just her). Hope this helps. I even went as far as taking away her priviledges until she started using better judgement on who to choose for friends. These girls were stealing, smoking, being very vocal about sexual issues etc. etc. And I explained to her that it is part of my job as a parent to help her find and use her better judgement.....peer pressure starts early.
B.

Follow your gut feelings. Call now and set up a meeting. There's no need at all to wait. Teachers can definitely help when there's a conflict between classmates and they can watch for those red flags.

NOW!! If you daughter has chosen a friend who can lead her down the wrong path and by that I mean any path that is not in line with your values than you need to step in.Maybe you can ask the teacher to keep your child away from that other child that is what I did with my daughter. I ask my children to be nice always to all people but if some one acts in away that you dont like of makes you uncomfortable than you leave immediatly we have practiced nice ways to tell people that we dont like the way that we are being treated and if the situation gets dangerous we bolt.Your daughter needs to learn that it is ok to trusst your feeling and not stay aroud a situation that can cause them emotional problems. Good luch and please remember to pray about it the right decision for your family will come to you.

This is a tough situation that you are in. Unfortunately many moms if not all will eventually have to deal with this at some point, you would just hope that it would not be in elementary school. This type of behavior is now termed girl relational aggression. Many great books are out there on this topic to help guide parents and teachers. Bottom line is that your daughter can do as she is doing and tell the girl she does not wish to be treated this way, and have her explain why, ie when you do ___ to me I feel___. Such as when you tell me to leave our friends it makes me feel left out and sad. She can affirm the relationship if she choses and admit any contribution to the problem and ask the girl how can we solve it, but it sounds like this is a relationship that maybe your daughter does not want to continue for obvious reasons. In that case simply asserting that she wants the girl to stop and why she wants her to stop is the most resonable solution. She may want to consider if that does not work that tell the girl that she has sought advice from her mother and will go to the teacher/counselor as the her behavior violates school rules. Your daughter will need to be strong, but this can be a character builder for her, it just depends on how powerful the girl is and if she controls all the other girls. For you consider that the teacher is not enough and ask to meet with the teacher and the counselor and or principal. Ask them what strategies they are using to try to combat this problem. I would not allow them to put her with the girl that is treating her meanly to try to work it out. Rather ask them what type of preventative work they do to address this. If they need to confront the girl then that is fine, just not in front of your child. If you do not tell the teacher and supportive staff then this girl will not be given the opportunity to recieve assitance in stopping this behavior. You may want to go to the meeting with some suggestions such as:
you are hoping the school intervenes on all these types of cases quickly, you hope they know that all of these situations cannot be worked out alone among the students, you would like to know what is the discipline plan for this type of behavior, how is relational aggression addressed in their comprehensive service plan, and do they have an anti bullying policy?
There are some good resources out there:
for elementary schools: Bully Busters and
The Peaceful Schools Project by Twemlow, Fonagy is impressive

And Words can Hurt Forever is good for parents
the authors such as Rachel Simmons and Rosaline Wiseman are good.
If you live in Lafayette and your daughter attends a Lafayette Parish School, Rachel Simmons was here recently and did a presentation that was taped and will be distributed to all schools in the parish as part of the project funded by grants and donations. Soon the dvd will arrive at the schools, hopefully the schools will show this to all parents interested.
I hope these few words of advice are helpful.

Having friends that act cruel is tough for a 5th grader, or any child/preteen/teen. As a parent, we always want what is best for our child and seeing them hurt is devastating. I think that talking to your child's teacher can be one step, but as a teacher, I know that I can't be everywhere all the time, and I most certainly can't control what comes from the mouths of the children. The school could possibly help separate the girls in class, but I don't think that this will necessarily cure the problem. My advice is to give your daughter an opportunity to meet other girls. Check the area for clubs, organizations and church groups that your daughter can join so that she will have the opportunity to make new friends. If given the opportunity she might find new fiends that will treat her like the wonderful person she is.

Oh, the joys of 5th grade girls...as a 5th grade teacher dealing with these issues often, I too have felt the frustrations you describe, except I'm sure yours are much more intense because she is your daughter! A teacher I work with likes to say, "Boys at this age are so much easier because if they have a problem, they just duke it out, and it's over." With girls, it's a different story. They can be so mean.

Of course, the best idea probably would be for your daughter to find some new friends...ones that don't cause so much drama for her life. But I know this is easier to tell her than to get her to do. Toward this end, if I were you, I would probably ask the teachers if there is any way your daughter can be separated from this girl. For example, if they're in the same classes, see if your daughter can get a different schedule. Actually I'm assuming that your daughter "changes classes," and she may actually be in a self-contained class all day. Maybe she could switch to a different class entirely if that's the case. I know that sounds drastic, but it's the only thing I have seen really work in a bad situation like this. The teachers can talk to the "friend" till they're blue in the face; she will still behave the same way when the teacher isn't looking. But if they are separated, there's a good chance your daughter will make some new friends and grow apart from this girl.

You may be concerned about the stigma of her changing schedules/classes. When we have done this with students, we made it seem like more of an academic issue and the students haven't really questioned it. They adapt/adjust pretty quickly.

Well, this is just one suggestion of probably the many you'll receive. I just hope you find something that works for you!

At this point I am thinking it may be appropriate for you to talk with her friend's mom. I would forbid my daughter to spend time with a person like this who does not treat my daughter right. Relationships are two-way streets and this other girl has issues beyond what is surfacing. The other thing I would do for my daughter is to remember that unless you hear something straight from the horse's mouth, so to speak, you can't act on it or take it as the truth. It's like the game, Telephone. Many times a person like this girl will make stuff up to make herself feel better. Unless the other girls behave negatively toward your daughter, I would not believe that they "hate" her. We don't let our daughter use the word "hate" because children don't understand what this word truly means. I don't know your view on that but one thing I would explain to my daughter if someone told her they hated her is that this person is in pain and is "acting out". I would advise my daughter to do her best to be nice to her but not give her any attention when she is being mean and not spend any extracurricular activities with her. I would tell the teacher about this issue, and that you don't want them paired up for class projects, etc.

i think you have taken the first and best step you can way to go... way too often the teachers are not aware of what is taking place.. they are trying to watch 30 kids and this is not an easy task... children don't open up to teachers most of the time due to fear of repercussions...

I would keep on the teacher and school about the problem. The little girl is kind of bullying your daughter by doing these things to her. Most schools these days do not tolerate bullying. I would make sure that it is know, and if all else, try to talk to the little girls mother and explain to her what has been going on. She may get mad, but maybe she will do something about it.

Hi M.,
My kids are grown now but I can remember well when this happened to me when I was in school and also to a child that went to the school that my daughter attended. This has gone on way past the teasing stage and now this other child is just being a Bully and very vendictive. I think Now would be an excellant time for you to step in.

If you know the childs' mother,then you could try talking to her or possibly both her parents,,, but I feel they would only deny that "their precious sweet daughter" would do such a hateful thing... and then it could turn into a shouting match.

My suggestion is that you go to the principal and have a talk with him. This is what my mother did and he called the girls involved in this into his office one by one and had a little chat with them. It worked! The hatelful and mean things that other girls were saying to me and shutting me out, ended. But sadly, I have to say , I have never forgotten it and I am now 60 years old. It is devasting to a child to be treated so unjustly and they just don't know how to cope. Of course, I learned to cope with it but I never forgot how it hurt me. Don't let this happen to your daughter if you can stop it.

If they see they can hurt her by shutting her out and being mean, then they will only continue to do it unless someone steps in.
And yes, I agree, it is always a good idea to let children works things out for themselves, that is how they learn. But sometimes, that option simply runs out.

This is just my feeling on it , but I have been there. Good luck to your sweet little girl and tell her to keep her chin up!Things Will Get Better! And at least she is not the one who has the "Potty Mouth"! Good for her!
Best wishes to you both!

Difinitely go for parent/teacher conference. Also ask for the conselor to be available for the meeting. Remind your daughter that a true friend would not treat her in this way & that maybe it's time to seek other friends. This classmate sounds as if she only wants to be friends when her other friends aren't available. It's time to step in & be your daughters friend as well as her mother. Peer pressure is so hard on children these days.