I'm not sure if I have a question here so much as just an "I'm worried and need to say it out loud.." My daughter is an adult. She is almost 32. She has 3 children. They are 9, 11 & 13. She has been in a relationship with a man for almost 3 years. Not the children's father. She has been divorced from him since the youngest was Year old. She has been in a battle over visitation and child support for a year. About 4 months ago she started talking about splitting up with the man she's been with for the past 3 years. She went on a girls weekend in February. She split up with the boyfriend the beginning of this month and moved him out. She went on another trip the second week in March. Sent me text messages with photos of her and another man. She came home. Told me she met this man on the internet and had met him for several weekends. She called and asked me to keep the grandkids over night. They talked non stop about moms new boyfriend who moved in this week. WTH you don't just move a stranger into the house with your children he could be an ax murderer. Or a child molester. When I said I was concerned she flipped out. Told me to back off. Not to say anything and if I couldn't be positive then stay out. I said ok. But what kind of 46 year old man moves into a 32 year old women's house? She says he is a long distance trucker. But he packed up and left Florida and moved to her house. He doesn't have a job. She leaves him home with the kids when she's at work. I'm just worried. Am I out of line?
adding this. we did have a conversation about this with the kids yesterday. told them they could always call us no matter what. one of the iffy things about him is that on his face book page he has exactly 2 friends. my daughter and her daughter. so that is scary as hell to me.
My biggest concern is that he has FB friended the daughter. If I was a 46 year old man, I wouldn't want to be even FB friends with my brand new girlfriend's 13 year old daughter. It just sounds sketchy.
Be there for her when she falls. Allow the new boyfriend to come over to your home for family dinners because you don't want him to shut you out of his new home. Remember the old saying keep your enemies close.
My mom's sister made so many bad decisions and would leave my cousin with us for weeks at a time with little to no explanation. At some point my mom was so frustrated with it that she wanted to hire a lawyer and file for custody. My dad told my mom that he would support whatever she wanted to do but she had to realize that there was a very real chance they would lose and their niece would lose the only real support system that she had. My mom decided that she couldn't risk being completely shut off from her niece and would just be there as much as possible. She is now grown, about to be married and still looks to my parents before she would ever look to her actual biological parents for anything. So my advice would be stop worrying about your daughter's decisions. You can't change or influence what she decides to do. If you are willing and able just concentrate on being the support system that your grand kids need and may not be getting at home.
Not at all.
She is immature and might be putting those kids in trouble.
She is putting her own wants in front of the needs and wants of her kids.
Has she ever been able to survive without a man in her life?
I don't know what else you can do except if you feel the kids are in danger call child protective services.
You already tried talking with her and she got very defensive.
I'm sorry your grandkids are going through this.
Eta: Forgot to add: Google him !!!
Her ex needs to know this. Her lawyer needs to know this. This is not putting the safety of the kids first. Your 'fears' are screaming red flag to me all around.
Usually, long-haul truckers tend to have a 'home' in several places, so that they can save on costs. On facebook, does he only have 2 friends, or you can only see two of his friends, which you happen to be friends with. If it's the later, that is a security thing on facebook. If it is the first, look at the 'born' date. If it is recent, he may not really be 'Joe Smith'.
Remember, if you get really concerned, you can always place an anonymous call to Child Services for a safety check.
I would be extremely concerned, and would not back down from this. It's good that you had that talk with your grandkids. I would remind them frequently that they can call you if they feel unsafe, and you will come and pick them up.
Your daughter is being extremely selfish and putting her needs before her kids. What a shame!
his age doesn't faze me, but just about everything else does.
you are not out of line at all. i'd be out of my mind.
unfortunately there's not much you can do. if you keep on at her, it sounds as if she'd have little problem cutting you out altogether, and then you wouldn't be able to step in and rescue your grandkids if necessary.
your daughter scares me.
would the kids' dad be able to help? is he an active father?
i don't see many options for you other than keeping your mouth shut and your eyes open. and pray a lot.
and if you see red flags, be prepared to call the authorities on your daughter.
what an awful place for you to be. i'm SO sorry. sending you strength.
khairete
S.
I agree with JB - those kids are old enough for you to talk with them so they know they can always turn to you if something doesn't feel "right". But I think you do need to be tactful in how you say it to them - you don't want them telling mom that "Grandma said so and so is a bad guy". Do what you can to remain in those kids lives so you are there if they need you.
And yes - Google him!
Your daughter flipped out because A.) she's already stressed out due to the custody issues with her first ex, B.) she's anxious about the break-up with her second ex even if she's the one who made him move out, C.) she knows you're right to be concerned and for all of the reasons why.
Although I do wonder how you told her you were concerned. I mean, if all you said was, "Emily, I'm really concerned about you and the children" and nothing else then her reaction was an overreaction. Even if all you said was, "I'm concerned because I'm not sure you've gotten to know him well enough to move him in with your children still living at home, and you know how your mom worries" then she's overreacting.
But if you said, "God, Emily, what the hell were you thinking? Moving in some guy you barely know with daughters in the house! Don't you think Dean will use that against you in court for custody? What if this guy is a child molester? You leave the girls alone with him! You support him already! I don't see this ending well. I'm going to do a background check on him. He might not even be who he says he is."
Well... something like that might not exactly encourage your daughter to listen to what you have to say. ;-)
EDIT: I do think a background check on this guy is 100% appropriate. I do think telling her former husband about this guy immediately is appropriate. So it telling her own lawyer. I don't think you'd be overstepping in taking any of these actions. My point above is that she's less likely to listen to you depending on the language that you use.
So sorry, but your daughter sounds crazy. I would be very concerned for her as well as the grand kids. Unfortunately, I don't think there is anything you can do but I would pay to do a criminal check on the guy. If you find something I would present it to her and pray she comes to her senses.
This sounds super sketchy to me, only because I've heard about guys like this before. Not in a violent way, but in a 'drain your bank account and pull up stakes' sort of way.
Consider doing a background check or hiring a private detective in this case. My girlfriend's mom got snookered in by a guy like this and he didn't leave for nearly a year, but only when she bought him a few things to 'help' him leave.
What is it with your daughter that she is wanting to move a total stranger into her children's life? That is where I would focus most of my efforts, as well as exhorting her to safeguard her assets and finances.
No, you are not wrong to worry. See how much information you can get about him. His past places he's lived, names of relatives, where he went to high school, etc...but don't make a big deal out of it. Just keep it casual and part of the normal conversation.
Each time you see him remember to jot down any information he says.
Check it out on the internet. He may have a good cover story though. I'd be worried sick.
Okay, I would be freaked out! My younger sister & I were both molested by the new BF who turned into the husband/step-father, so I am suspicious of EVERY man who wants to jump into it with someone who has kids. Especially a young teen girl. And particularly one who moves in after a couple of weekends together? Oh there are red flags everywhere about this situation!
You should definitely look into his past, but I got to tell you, our A**hole looked PERFECT to the world. He was a church elder & Youth Leader, had a good, well paying, steady job, etc. And of course, he didn't just jump into the molestation right way, he did the perfect step-father for months before he started in on us. And there where threats to hurt or leave our Mom, our brother, of him saying I won't hurt your sister if you let me..., you get the idea. We were scared, we were clueless, we were the prey.
Predators are REALLY good at deceiving people, especially people who don't want to really look at things realistically--who want that picture pretty relationship. Sorry, but your adult daughter sounds more like a selfish child to me.
Me, I would kidnap my grand-kids & sue for custody! If their father isn't a total jerk & is a good father, you should call him ASAP & tell him what is going on, because your daughter is NOT showing good judgement. Or is even doing ANYTHING that is in the best interests of her children!
It WILL tick your daughter off. But better that than your grandchildren being abused.
I KNOW that not all men who have relationships with women who have children are molesters. Or dishonest or bad. BUT what's the rush? And putting him in charge of her kids so fast??? Even if he is a great guy, moving men in & out of your children's home is WAY damaging to the child! And there is plenty of research about how this kind of behavior by the MOM negatively effects the daughters, even if the guys are "good" guys!
IMO, waiting this out, meeting this guy & watching for him to tip his hand seems TOO tame for this situation. Waiting is NOT in the best interest of the kids. And again, those kids DO have another parent. Contact him. And what about the guy she just moved out? He was those kids Step-Dad, whether they were married or not. Is he a good Dad? Do the kids still have a relationship with him? Or did he just disappear after being in their life daily for 3 yrs? Sorry I have NO patience with women like your daughter & I'm sure you are going through a lot of anguish over this. If you have a pastor or any other support people, I would talk to them ASAP to help you deal. Good Luck.
Ask your daughter to have you over for dinner so you can get to know her new bf or invite them to your home. It will be awkward but do it with open arms so that you have a chance to be a part of their lives. Offer to do things with the kids so you have a chance to go to their house to catch a glimpse of what is going on. Don't go too often that it becomes obvious. Look him up! He may have another FB page with his "other" friends. Maybe he's like my husband and doesn't go on FB at all but he created an acct to message back and forth with her without paying for texts. That does seem strange he only has the two of them for friends though. What do the kids say when they talk non stop about the bf? Good things? Bad things? I see my sisters meeting men on the internet and I just cringe. Anyone can pretend to be whoever they want just to reel a woman in. There was a lady from another town who went to meet a man from here and went missing for a few days. Never did find out what the deal was but her family put his pic on FB and people recognized the guy. The cops went to his house and found her. I don't know if he was holding her there or if she chose to leave her kids home alone for a week to be with him. What happened to "the old fashioned way" of dating? Meeting someone in person, talking on the phone, going on a few dates, meeting the parents, getting engaged and married then moving in with the man. Not the man moving in with the woman! Thank goodness she didn't move those kids to FL. It could've been worse! Maybe he tried. Who knows?
Hoo boy -- maybe you can do a background check on this guy, without telling her.
Two friends on FB, your daughter and granddaughter??? Okay -- creepster. That would sound an alarm to me too.
Well, you do have the right to worry. However, she is an adult and has to make her decisions. If you think there might be something to worry about, keep your eyes and ears open. Listen to her, talk but do criticism. If she blew up about your one comment, she might be on guard about anything she may perceive as negative.
She might be hurting over something and of course stressing about the support issues. Offer your support when she needs it. Maybe it will all work out or she will unfortunately learn a lesson in relationships.
If you can hire a private investigator or pay for an online background check company to do a full back ground check on this creep.
This is weird and creepy as all get out!!
Sounds weird to me. Your daughter sounds very immature and she got pregnant way too young - hence she acting out her young adulthood now - when the kids are more independent. What a mess. Unless her husband was a total jerk I'd contact him and change custody. Your daughter is not thinking about her children - she is only thinking about her loneliness. This must be so painful for you. Let's hope nothing bad happens.
Can you go over there when she is at work and be a babysitter to your grandkids???
Or, have the Grandkids at your home, to babysit?
I know, maybe not.
But if you are home, maybe you can do that, so they are away from that CREEPY guy. Who is a complete stranger.
REAL creepy!
DO a background check on him, even if you have to pay to get it.
Or hire a Private Detective.
Putting kids at risk like that... to me, is worth doing something about it. Now. Not later. Not after something happens.
Now.
Your daughter has made an impulsive and potentially dangerous decision. She needs counseling/therapy. Who in there right mind moves in a man you barely know, who has no job and leaves them along with your children?
You ask what kind of man is he.....what kind of woman is your daughter....just the same to do this? There's more things iffy about him the his Facebook page. No one knows this man from serial killer john or child molester rick. Has she done this before? Can you run a background check on him? I would alert the kids' father. I don't think you are out if line. Both of them seem irresponsible, impulsive and are obviously lack good judgement. If this is something she's done before, she is repeatedly putting her children at risk.
This is a very bad idea by your daughter. She is not putting the best interests of her kids first.
I would hire a PI and look into his background. There are predators who seek single mothers who are vulnerable.
I would not be comfortable with this at all and I would do everything in my power to figure out a way to get information. Knowledge is power!
