When a Friendship Fizzles...

Life is like a book; some friends are in there for a page, some are there for a chapter, but only true ones are there throughout the whole story!!!

I think you're right.
This "friend" doesn't sound like a friend at all.
Not gonna look back, but I don't recall you denying some eating issues, and I thought you were actively receiving therapy, etc.
Now, while I can understand a true friend being concerned for another friends health & wellbeing, this sounds more like a case of your treatment/therapy not meeting HER expectations/standards or something.
A friend would give a hug and say " you're so thin, I'm scared for you. Can I do anything?" Not bring up cosmetic issues again & again nor would a friend discuss something so personal about you with her (or mutual) friends, right?
Sometimes you gotta cut the toxic ones loose for your own self preservation and peace of mind.

Sometimes you just have to come to the conclusion that certain people are not good or healthy to be part of your life. It sounds like you two just don't mesh well at all anymore.

Let this friendship go...it will be painful, but it is causing you nothing but pain and anguish anyway.

Oh wow!
I think you need to be direct with her. What you typed here, word for word, is a great response. It is not mean, but it does set a boundary.
"Jan, I need to be honest with you. In my last email I said that I appreciated your concern but as I have thought about this further, I need you to know I do not wish to discuss my weight and eating with you. I do not like that my weight is a topic of discussion between you and your friends. This does not mean that I don't want to be friends, but I will not discuss my weight with you as it makes me uncomfortable."

I do think something is really off with her, though. She's MAD at you for changing the plans? Weird anyway, but to be mad because she has to postpone a conversation? The conversation she planned to have isn't even about her! How does postponing it (or not having it-ever-) hurt her in any way?

I am sorry. It is hard to lose a friend but this one really sounds like a dud.

Friendships fizzle. It happens all the time.

The fact is that I have ended many friendships because certain friends weren't good for me or good TO me.

Too much drama is a dealbreaker.
Getting too personal is a dealbreaker.
Unsolicited advice is a dealbreaker.
I've had friends whose lives were a complete mess yet they wanted to tell ME how to raise my kids or how to deal with my ex-husband, etc.

As far as I'm concerned, it can be a form of deflection.
If they spend their time examining you and your life, then they don't have to look in the mirror and examine their own. And someone who talks to you about things you're not comfortable discussing needs to get a clue or get cut off.

I know that sounds harsh, but I've got loyal friends that I've had for over 30 years. We know each other's families, we treat each other like family, and although we aren't always in touch, we're there for each other when really needed. To me, those are the kinds of friends to have.

Not all friendships can endure that long and that's okay. Sometimes they just run their course.

I know it saddens you to lose a friend, but how much of a friend is she really being to you?
Only you can answer that.

Just my opinion.
Best wishes.

I read back over your posts about her - she sounds extremely selfish to me. This is not someone you need in your life; she's toxic!! If there is one thing I've learned at my age is to get the toxic people out of your life - whether they be "friends" or family, if they're toxic, they have to go!

I would just send one last email explaining you don't wish to discuss certain things with her. I would also add you're sorry she couldn't understand that the scheduling of her visit would disrupt your family too much. And end it with something like: maybe we'll catch up with each other in the future.

Sorry you're going thru this!

Good luck!!

i'm sorry about the end of the friendship, but think you're absolutely right in letting it go.
and LOVE how kindly you handled it.
better friends are waiting to materialize!
khairete
S.

Wow... is this person a friend? No.

ES, she *could* have chosen to tell you in person. She could have responded to your asking her to change plans by agreeing instead of being mad. This is deflection and blaming you for her crappy, pissed off attitude earlier.

I'm thinking that your friend is *very* manipulative, ES. I'll try to say this nicely-- I would NEVER EVER say what she 'passed on' to you. You do not need her to pass on any asshat comments someone else might say. Dear lord. We ALL have areas which need improvement. I'm glad my friends don't sit around and discuss my faults or flaws.

ES, she is a manipulative person. She is shaming you for *her* crappy behavior. It's up to you if you want to buy it or let this one go. I'm so sorry-- it sucks to have friends who turn everything back on you. I know this.

Let her go. You will be liberated of someone who is saying one thing and doing another. Good friends do not treat each other like this. I don't know what's wrong with her, but I think your discernment is correct-- if she's discussing you with others, it's certainly wise not to give her any more to gossip about. And it's okay to have some anger too. I hope you find peace in all of this. You've got some very good judgment.

I have a friend who lives in this neighborhood. She and I attend the same Bible study. I remind her of a topic that is offlimits every time and she won't stop bringing it up. I am in the same boat as you.
I also found out she talks to her friends about me and this topic.
I KNOW some of these people and it is totally false what she is saying.
I am going to have to flat out end it and I dread it.

I'm sorry, but I think she is trying to manipulate you.

I looked up your old posts regarding this individual, and a couple of things struck me. If I'm reading this correctly, when she originally contacted you, her plan was to stay on Saturday, and she "changed her mind," and wanted to stay on Sunday instead? When you asked her to change back to Saturday, and even offered to meet somewhere else at her convenience, she cut you off entirely. You didn't ask her to her change plans until after she INSISTED on changing YOURS.

And yet, she is now claiming that she wanted to speak to you in person, about the weight/health e-mail. She is trying to make you feel guilty for not meeting her, and make it your fault that you missed her concern over something important. No. If it were that important, she would have made the effort.

This is not someone trying to be friendly. This is someone trying to be manipulative, and she found a button.

Say "I appreciate your concern, but I am doing okay, and I already have a support system," and then set your e-mail filter to automatically send everything from her that includes the word "weight" in it to go straight to the trash bin.

If she wants non-manipulative conversation, okay, but don't expose yourself to this sort of thing anymore.

Hang in there, lady. I love the responses you've given her so far. You seem like a woman who is definitely finding her way. (And that is no mean feat - I know many of us are still looking!)

OMG this is not someone you need in your life, at least right now. Maybe a few years from now, when she realizes the error of her ways, you can get back together. I think for right now, distance is a good thing. I am so sorry
For your loss of a friend. Heck, I started babysitting my granddaughter and a lot of my friends disappeared. Go figure. Life is too short for me to worry about it.

I've been on both sides of the spectrum here.. I have confronted and been confronted about my weight.. When I was at my heaviest say 202... it TOTALLY pissed me off and of course hurt to know that someone I loved may think ill of me (at least that is how I saw it back then)

However, I knew deep down that YES I was indeed fat and only getting bigger... The person was right to have approached me...(it actually took a lot of guts) same goes with your friend. Granted, it wasn't the brightest of her to discuss with others, that aside, if you think there is some truth to what she said.. IF so, then maybe it's a good reason to look at why you are over-weight..

Forget that it may have taken your friends possible lack of tact to get you there, but since you are now faced with this... is what she said true? Only you can know for sure...

at the time the person confronted me. I wasn't ready for the advice, but I always knew the person was right... I mean.. hey, I was fat.. That was about 7 years ago... Move forward to the present moment whereby I have been attending a 12 step OA program... and boy I have a learned a thing or two about being in denial and blind to my being fat and a compulsive over-eater. I now weigh in at about 165 which makes me about a size 10... it's no longer about the weight in as much as my compulsion to overeat certain foods.. and more importantly the means/behavior I went about things in order that I feed my addict as it were.. While I didn't drink or do drugs, I sure was an addict in my own right...... I had my family dancing around my fat issues.. NEVER tell mom how fat she is.. don't bring it up.... I wasn't always the nicest to be around either... yep... I was a full blown addict.. addicted to my food...

Again, her approach was all wrong... but was her heart in the right place. I can tell you this.. When I confront someone , it's because I want to work it out.. When I don't, it means I am pretty much done with the person and have no desire.. She did confront you.... now the ball is in your court..

Even if you don't stay friends with her.. It did take a lot of guts for her to broach such a sensitive topic...
Also, there is an OA website... check it out, answer their questions and see for yourself if there is an issue or not.. could be your friend was way out of line.. or maybe she just threw you a lifeline... there are different ways of viewing this..

Whatever you decide... good luck and my best to you

Respond back once that you don't believe this is a healthy friendship and you wish her the best but will not be communicating with her further. Then don't.

If you are no longer interested in being her friend ever, then let it go. You can just stop replying to phone calls and emails. She'll get the hint soon enough.

If you value the friendship, but are just mad at her now, then think hard about whether ending the friendship is really, truly what you want. Do you think you'll have regrets in a couple of years if you cut ties now? Or do you think you'll be perfectly happy never speaking to her again? Since you say ending the friendship saddens you, I think maybe this is a fight that you need to work through, not something to end the friendship over.

I only skimmed your previous posts so I don't know the whole story. However, if what she says is true and she really did want to talk to you in person because she was concerned, then maybe it is a friendship worth hanging on to you. That makes it sounds like she cares about you a lot.

If you're not comfortable discussing your weight with her, be assertive and tell her. You can say it simply and respectfully: "I understand you're concerned about my weight and I appreciate that you care so much about me, but I'm really not comfortable discussing it." If she continues to badger, just keep saying it.

How about not responding emails? It shouldn't sadden you to lose friendships you had at different points in life. If she's not supporting you by going at your pace she's not keeping you in mind.