What Would You Say? - Atlanta,GA

Why do you really need to worry. What she is doing is normal. She understands privacy, thus the closed door.

I am trying to think of what I would say as my daughter is 9. We are very open and I feel like I would just let her know it's ok, have alittle chat about it. Kids need their own space, it's hard to believe it, but they aren't always up to something!!

What Suz T said, no punishment. And I think the rule needs to be changed to no LOCKED doors. People need privacy, including children. When they have friends over, then no closed doors - for safety, etc. But to not have any privacy in your own home isn't really healthy.

EDIT: not very cool that you edited your question so that it looks like your child was "up to something". That was not the tone of the original question. It makes your child look guilty, and like you're trying to normalize the "no open door" thing.

ADD: D., I know you love your daughter, but the sentence "She ist yu typical 8 year old..she is bad.!" is majorly sad and not a good thing. Unless she is EVIL, she is not bad - she makes bad choices.

If you always are thinking "she is bad" you will only see the bad things she does, and the good things will slide under the radar because you are LOOKING for the bad. PLEASE think about this. Don't "get on her", help her to learn to make better choices. Please check out Love and Logic parenting (loveandlogic.com). It may help all of you feel more confident in general.

I think 8 is a little old to have no closed doors. If there's anything dangerous (like scissors) or messy (like markers) that you don't want them getting into trouble with in their rooms, you can take them out. But I think they need time to unwind alone, learn how to spend time alone, and do things like "explore themselves." A lot of girls are entering puberty around 9 or 10 (I did) and the hormones and curiosity and school discussions start well before that and before we think they do! Her curiosity is 100% normal and doesn't really need a spotlight as if it was wrong. But she's old enough to start having privacy, in my opinion.

did he knock? if not, did he apologize to her for disturbing her privacy?
she's not tiny, and she acted perfectly appropriately.
have a short SIMPLE conversation with her about it being natural to be curious about her body, that if she has any questions that she can always come to you, and that her body is her own to explore in any way she wants but no one else is allowed to touch her.
khairete
S.

i think your door policy should change. If my 5 year old has her door shut I knock first. Shes always prooven to be trusting and her room has nothing unsafe in it. I don't see why there is a need to not allow them privacy

I would tell her. the following
"Honey now that you're bigger I've decided you can close your door and daddy and I will knock before entering. Now with this new trust I expect you will behave, because it can change back if I find reason for it to. Daddy said you were exploring yourself when he walked in, he's sorry for J. walking in if you have any questions about that let M. know, also make sure you wash your hands...."

I agree with everyone else, it's perfectly normal for her to explore her body and she did what she could to keep it private. She's obviously old enough to understand when privacy is needed, so you should revise your door policy. I can see why you'd want the doors open with little ones, like under 4 years old, but after that you have to expect some responsibility and respect their space.

If I were in your shoes, I'd try to make a special mom/daughter date...maybe go out for breakfast at a coffee shop. Be sure it's somewhere with privacy for talking. During breakfast, I'd mention that you love how she's growing into a young woman and you want to do your best to help her become a great young woman. I wouldn't bring up the prior incident. If she's open to chatting, you can ask what her and her friends think about growing up and becoming a teen. Otherwise, let her know that her body will change in the coming years as she becomes a woman. There's no need to get into the gory details yet. Just set the stage for future conversations, so she starts hearing that she can come to you or dad with questions or if she just wants to talk. Then give dad a warning, if he doesn't know how to answer he can always tell her that he doesn't know the answer but together can ask you.

I guess I don't understand why the "no closed doors" policy. I can see that for little kids (under age 6) or for teenagers when they have friends over (especially the opposite sex), but for everyone at all ages? What do you mean by "up to something"? Have you had trouble with her destroying things, lighting matches, smoking, or other deviant behavior when left alone? Am I missing something? I trust my 8 year old to have his door closed.

Your daughter was doing something very normal and she had the common sense to do it in private. Sounds like you need to change the policy and leave it at that unless there is more to this than you have told us.

You don't need to say anything. She wasn't doing anything wrong. Maybe just ask her if she has any questions. But I think you should address the door policy. She may be wanting a little more privacy.

I don't think she was doing anything wrong. She told the truth - she was exploring her body. There is NOTHING wrong with that. She did it behind closed doors.

At the age of 8, privacy is good for them. It's about boundaries. She was respecting boundaries by not exploring her body in the living room.

Ask her if she found out anything interesting!!
Ask her if she was exploring for something new or learned something!! KEEP THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION OPEN!!!

If the door is closed - KNOCK before entering - EVEN WITH CHILDREN - it's respecting their boundaries too.

Make sure she knows she can come to you with ANY question you have...TALK WITH HER...her body is going to be doing some BIG changes over the next several years...prepare her for that!!

I think it is time for you to realize that your 8 yr old is no longer a "little one". I also think the only one that needs to be talked to is your husband for not knocking in the first place. Poor him and your daughter, never a pleasant turn of events and one that could have been avoided since your daughter was at least "exploring herself" in what she thought was the privacy of her room.

I have a 9 & 13 year old and unless the older one had boys over I cannot imagine an instance where they would not be allowed to close their door. I trust them totally and besides what could they possible do in there that I would object too?
Your husband would not have even known about the masturbation if you had not felt it necessary to see what she was up to. As long as you have had open and honest conversations about sex, masturbation, puberty etc. you do nothing. It's her business and totally appropriate that she closed the door!

Seems she had the right idea by closing the door. Leave it at that.

It's significant, and not in a good way, that you assume your child is "up to something" -- clearly you mean something you don't want her doing -- if her door is shut. Has she done things in the past that have damaged your trust in her to the point you always assume she is doing something wrong if she's not in your sight?

What she was caught doing here is normal, and it would be MUCH more troubling if she were doing it with the door wide open or out on the couch in the living room -- that would indicate she has no sense of what's appropriate, and clearly she has enough of a sense of that to go in her room and close her door. Good for her.

She is more than old enough to have some privacy and you both could try working on trust here. You will not get trust back from her, though, if you make a big deal of what your husband discovered, or forbid her from touching herself etc.

This probably isn't what you want to hear but it's true. Okay, first why don't you let them close the door. I could see if she was doing something naughty one time and so you make her keep her door open for a week as a punishment but everyone needs privacy. She's not going to stay little forever and you should let her grow up.

She wasn't doing anything wrong.
Why would you say anything?
Now...if she was on the family room sofa....a discussion about privacy would be in order....
Remember, as kids get older, the "door" of privacy swings both ways...you have to give it and get it!

My aunt had the no closed door policy. I thought it was crazy and still do!

Everyone needs and is entitled to privacy. That being said, I don't think you should say anything to your daughter. It's her body; there is nothing wrong with what she was doing.

Just a perfect example of WHY people need privacy.

Our kids are older, 12 and 9. From day one, I have always told them no one can touch their "private parts" except for themselves! lol! Maybe you can change your policy to "open doors only" when they have friends over, that's what we do. Otherwise, they close their doors sometimes and every night when they are sleeping. Everyone knows to knock and not just walk in. I would just have a brief conversation with her. Also, whether you are Christian or not, the bible books stores have GREAT books based on kids ages for both boys and girls that help explain everything that goes on with their bodies. Good luck!

I don't think i would say anything at this moment, it's natural for her to do that.

this does indicate to me that she might be ready to start having some conversations about the birds and the bees,
Does she know the correct name for her body, and a male body?
does she have any general knowledge about where babies come from?

YOu might want to check out a book from the library, i hear the american girl care and keepign of you is great, and that might start the discussion.

now if she sat down in the living room and started up, then I would tell her that we don't do that in the living room, go in your room if you want privacy and i bet she would be embarrassesd and stop.

I think there's a time, place and age for "no doors closed" as a policy. 8 years old isn't it, IMO. 15 years old with raging hormones & the boyfriend over, is. Do you shower & dress with your door open? I don't and I wouldn't expect anyone else in my house to, either.

What do I think you should do/say? Absolutely nothing. It's normal & nothing to be concerned about.