Did I Do the Right Thing? - Atlanta,GA

We have a 'no locked door' policy, but we ALWAYS knock first... now you can imagine why :) I would personally just say 'sorry about that, it won't happen again, I was wrong to not have knocked' and drop it. I'm assuming he knows what you saw? Yikes. You poor thing. Have a glass of wine ;) You'll laugh about this years down the road!!

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I have a 14 year old boy and a no locked door policy in my house.
But I always knock before I enter, just in case. :) We have had an ongoing talk about sexuality for years now and I just assume he is, ahem, experimenting, in the privacy of his room or shower. We have talked about masturbation specifically, along with a myriad of other sex and relationship related topics.

I think you should definitely acknowledge that you walked in on him. You do not want him to be embarrassed around you. You do want him to come to you with questions - as a woman, you have opinions of the opposite sex - he needs to hear them! LOL Open the conversation with a simple - Sorry that I barged in on you - I know that made us both feel uncomfortable, but I want you to know that ....... and go from there.

Why would you say "He's going through somthing that I know nothing about"? You went through puberty also - boys and girls have the same budding sexuality and hormones and everything. So, of course, you should be able to relate with him on some level.

This is not a bad situation.
This is a perfectly normal in the life of a pre-teen (heck in the life of a male) . Don't make this a bad thing and make him ashamed of masturbating - this is all very normal and healthy. This is your son, you should push past your comfort zone and learn to talk to him about everything. What did your husband say to him? You should also be privy to that conversation - hopefully it will give you some insight and if the advice was encouraging and supportive you could always just repeat it to your son.

Good Luck and God Bless

Masturbation is NOT bad - it's perfectly normal. I would apologize for walking into his room without knocking, and start respecting his privacy.

I gotta say, I'm glad you realize your error. I think teens NEED their privacy, so a 'no locked doors' policy is really not OK. You should have knocked.

If you say anything at all, don't make it a big deal. It's normal, it's healthy, everybody does it. Let him know that! Just say, "Hey son, I know that was embarrassing but I want you to know that it's normal and I'm ok with it. I will knock from now on. I love you." The end! That will let him know that he's not weird, that you're ok with it, and that you respect his privacy.

Bless your heart.. no locked doors.. I had this conversation with another mom who told me they did not believe in locked doors. I asked about their master bedroom, about the bathrooms.. and when I brought up she has 3 sons and that they were all teens.. What about their privacy for masturbation.. She almost fell out of her chair..

She said she would just knock and then walk in.. I told her she may want to get advice from her husband.. It takes a moment longer than a knock and a pause. Maybe a knock and then wait for the person to give the ok to enter?

My sister had a conversation with her son asking him to do this behavior in the shower or "into a sock" Bwahahahaha! Her son was mortified and and asked her to "pleeeease ask dad" to come and talk with him about this subject.. My poor nephew..

I do not have sons, but I bet it makes them feel better to know their moms are willing to have the conversation. Masturbation and sex are things we need to let our children know are totally normal.

I would first evaluate my reaction. Is it so wrong? Is it hard because he's still your baby in your head? Is it normal preteen boy behavior (yes)?

I think that sometimes these events make you realize that another chat or series of chats should be had. You or his dad should bring up the topic of puberty, girls, etc. I find being in the car a good time to talk because they don't have to look at you. There is no one "talk" IMO. It's a series of small conversations over time. You leave the door open so that they come to you when they need you, even if it's not easy to discuss.

For starters, I'd say, "I'm sorry I didn't knock and wait for you to answer." I would just leave it at that for the moment and find another time to bring up girls, life, the universe.

Raising kids is hard and sometimes awkward and sometimes you need to give things like this perspective before you react.

you should definitely be the one to handle this because you walked in. I would apologize and tell him I did not judge what I saw and he was right to do it in private. I would follow it be saying what I will do in the future, such as knock before entering his room. Be strong, this is where you model what it is like to be a grown up.

We don't lock doors either but we always make sure to knock before entering. Why is it so bad? Masterbation is a completely normal thing for both boys and girls. I definately let hubby take the reins on most of that stuff because there are things I am sure he is feeling (son is almost 13) that I would not know about or understand. But I also make sure I talk to him about as well. When he began I talked to him about how it's normal and ok to do and just asked him to do so in his own privacy etc.

If it were me, as uncomfortable as I may be I would certainly talk to him and apologize for walking in on him and let him know that it is ok and if he has any questions he can feel ok about talking to either his dad or myself too. We are very open about sexuality though, It's never been a big deal to be naked or anything. So our kids fidn no shame in it or their bodies.

Try to talk to him once you have recovered some :) Good luck!

I read your post and I don't understand why you are so upset. Masterbation is a normal function of being a sexual being. There is NOTHING wrong with it. I have an 18 year old son. My son does request that his dad be the one to do "the talk". My son said it was "weird" hearing this from his mother! At least you didn't find a box of condoms. I did! And I counted them and checked again the next month!!! None missing!

If I was you I would apologize to him and tell him you will always knock in the future. Other than that you are fine to let hubby handle it.

Honestly, you shouldn't have just opened the door. But I would do this--- Write a nice note and slip it under his door so he sees it and he doesn't have to see you or talk with you about it. You said dad already handled it, thats good. Say " I know you are embarrassed and so am I. I am really sorry that I didn't knock and wait for you to tell me it was ok to come in." I am not upset with you, I am upset with myself for not respecting your privacy. I am so sorry! Hugs, Mom and say If you need private time in the future, go ahead and lock your door.

Hope this helps!!!

M

The only thing I would say is "Sorry! From now on I will knock before I enter your room son"!!!

I REALLY hope you are not acting this upset in front of your son. What he is doing is normal, and he locked his door. You violated his privacy and now you're acting irrationally. Always knock from now on. If you have not had "the talk" yet with him, now is the time. If you have, don't say another word, you have embarrassed him enough already.

Well, first of all you should tell him that you are sorry for not knocking on the door before you walked in giving him a moment to gather himself first. I agree with no locked doors but you also have to agree to knock first, even if he has not earned the priviledge of full privacy you can do the knock open right away. I also think that this is a great time to talk to him about his body health since it's obviously happening to him. Starting now with, apologizing for not knocking first, talking to him about what else to expect (from his body) and what you expect from him in reagards to being safe and responsible for his bodily functions can keep this conversation open and the subject NOT taboo. By not addressing this situation you are telling him that you and he were wrong and bad when in all honesty that is not the truth.

I know that must've been awkward for you to say the least .......but honestly ? I feel bad for HIM, the poor little guy. ;))

It's normal, I'm not sure why you're so freaked out about it. At least he's releasing that way & not out having sex yet.

Also, why would you just walk into his room without knocking first? He's almost a teenager. I think it's time to start respecting his boundaries & personal space. Sounds like maybe the locking of doors should be allowed.

Bottom line, he's growing up, and not a little kid anymore. It's better to keep the communication lines open, than to freak out & punish him. You don't want him feeling dirty & ashamed for something so natural. He's not doing anything wrong at all. I think you should apologize for barging in on him without warning, because I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate others do that to you, right?

It's normal & natural. You can tell him he can lock his door if he needs privacy. He's 12!

There is a reason to knock on the door, wait for an answer, before you enter.... My friends son is 12, and she also just enters... I keep telling her to KNOCK!!! I always knocked before entering, for this sort of reason, not exactly what you want to see your "baby" doing. I would leave it alone.

My youngest in the house is 15. I have four boys I have raised with the oldest being 23 now. My house has a no locked door policy. All of the children understand and understoold that I could come in at any time. I only knock if I think they are getting dressed but if it is a time of the day when they should be dressed I could come right in at any time.

While it may be "normal" for boys to masterbate, in my opinion it may also open the door to further sexual behavior and a need for greater stimulation which wouldn't be helpful for his level of maturity. Do you need to talk to him? Probably but I would find out what kind of talk your husband has had with him. I hope you and your husband are on the same page with your moral judgements on behavior because this could be a bone of contention with both of you.

You are fortunate that was all you walked in on. I have seen far worse coming from some of the boys in my family. (Trust me you don't even want to know.)

Part of being a teen and preteen is that tendancy to be impulsive and lack self control. Part of what we do as parents is teach our children how to contol themselves.

I think you did the right thing. Keep up the good work but also don't be embarrassed to have the hard and difficult conversations with him. All too soon he will be on his way to college and your job is to prepare him for adulthood, legally you have 6 years to get that done.

Oh man I have 3 boys 8,5,and 1. I am so glad I read this so I now know to always knock when they each get that age. I think you did the right thing lwtting your husband handle it. That's what I would have done too.