What Would You Have Done? - Los Angeles,CA

We would have done what you guys did.
It's what grown ups would do, right?
I wouldn't give it a second thought.
I'd also thank my husband for taking care of bedtime duty while I caught up with my friend.

I wouldn't have kicked Mike out. You don't see him often and he's traveled a long way. I was thinking the opposite of you - if my hubbies friend was visiting and I was upstairs taking care of the kids, I wouldn't resent his continuing to visit wih his friend. I'd be happy to give them more time together - even, probably, thankful for the diversion to allow them some alone time to catch up.

I wouldn't have asked my friend to leave, but then my husband wouldn't have thought twice about me hanging out with a guy friend.

I would assume there was no problem until/unless your husband mentions otherwise. No sense in creating an issue where none exists.

You handled it well. I would have made sure Mike knew he was welcome to stay as long as he likes. One night isn't going to hurt to disrupt your routine. You won't see this friend again for who knows how long, its okay to make him a priority.

I wouldn't bring it up to your husband. It won't serve any purpose other than to ease the guilt you have no reason to feel.

Holy cow this is so nothing. Now if Mike came over all the time and chatted with you for all hours while hubby had to do bedtime routine, that may bug him. But I'm sure this didn't. And if it did, yikes. And if the same happened in reverse: His non-romantic friend who you thought was a little too close but wasn't came from China for ONE NIGHT and stayed a little late and you could hear everything from next room and she had a husband and baby on the way.....I would HOPE that wouldn't bug you.
I don't know any couples where BOTH people equally put kids to bed every single night of every week and NEVER have a guest come over and stay a little late. It's nice to be so conscientious...but for real-it's nothing.
Kicking out Mike would have been very weird since he was in town from so far away. I put the kids to bed all the time when people are over and it in no way means I'm implying they're kicked out. It just means I'm putting the kids to bed and I'll be back.

I think you might be looking a little too much into it :) It was just one night, it's not a regular occurance, as your friend lives overseas now and was just visiting.

You could tell your husband thank you again for taking care of your son while you were able to catch up. Tell him you appreciated it, seeings how it doesn't happen often etc etc.

I'm sorry, but I cannot relate to your feelings on this subject. I have a friend who is visiting from overseas THIS weekend. She isn't staying with us, but I have spent two days with her and the fellows she brought along, including her boyfriend. My husband would never feel uncomfortable with me spending time with the guys in her group. We are SO happy to catch up, and spend time together. Who knows when I will ever see her again? I am so grateful that she has included me in her life. Believe me, she has plenty of other things to do than spend time with me.

The same applies to your friend. He isn't even in the same category as your other friends. They can see you just, "whenever". I guess I just can't understand why he should be expected to "take the hint" to leave as early as a child's bedtime when you have no idea how long it will be until he comes back. Living in China is an amazing story in and of itself, and getting to hear about his life is something you should cherish. Your husband is being mature about not caring that you're in the living room with this guy while he's with the baby. No one but an absolute dolt would think that you would do anything with a man you haven't seen in years while your husband is in the next room. Why on earth would your husband think ANYTHING about this?

No, you shouldn't say one single solitary thing to your husband about this. It would be like saying to him that he shouldn't trust you or Mike.

Leave this alone and be happy for the time you two spent with this man who has a rich life, both as an individual and as a soon-to-be father.

Dawn

My husband wouldn't have cared. I suspect if yours had, he would have said something to you. OR, he would have acted miffed. I can't imagine many men would care if their wife was laughing with an old friend. In their own home. While he is in the house.

I certainly wouldn't care if it were my husband. I don't get that.

I think you handled it fine. Kicking out your friend who traveled from China, would have been supremely rude. Oh, and if he doesn't have a child, yet... He likely doesn't get the whole "leave when the kid goes to bed" thing.

Guys aren't like us, they see laughter as meaning something is funny, nothing more. If you had kicked your friend out you husband probably would have seen that as strange.

I have a close male friend who teaches in Korea. Whenever he is in the states, I see him. In fact, he has stayed in our home on several occasions. There have been numerous times when my friend and I have stayed up late, talking and laughing, while my husband has gone on to bed. There have also been times when we have gone out to dinner without my husband. Other times my husband has joined us. None of this bothers my husband at all.

Your situation may be different because you say that it would bother you if the situation was reversed, and it wouldn't bother me if it was reversed. I also know that my husband would let me know immediately if something made him uncomfortable, and your husband didn't say anything.

I think you handled everything just fine, but only you know how things work in your relationship.

*We've been married for 19 years, and my husband has known this friend of mine for 10 years. That may make a difference, too.

If I was bugged about my DH laughing with someone else, I would have said so immediately after the person left, or I would have come out to see what was going on. That he did not might mean that he had seen enough of Mike to not be worried, but you will not know what your DH thought unless you ask him. Speculating will only make things worse.

My DH sometimes visits with his first girlfriend, now married and living in another state. She comes by about once a year. I'm quite fine with her visits and would probably excuse myself to put DD to bed and let them catch up. I trust DH and her husband trusts her (he doesn't always visit b/c we have cats.)

I think you're a wonderful wife (and friend) for your concern. I think Mike and your husband are lucky fellas.

:)

He was visiting from China.
It has been years since you saw him.
It will be years till you see him again.

He was having fun catching up and visiting with you..

Did it ever occur to you, you may NEVER see him again?
We never know what may come..and so we need to bend a little. Just because you have a child.. does not mean life stops for everyone.

1 night with a nice visit is a blessing.

And no it would not bother me if y husband had a friend over and I was the one caring for our child. He loves, me, I love him.. He is the same with me.. We do not play games..

I think you are fortunate to have such a great friend and wonderful husband.

Just tell your husband thanks for really giving you a time to visit with a friend that you won't see again for a long while. Let him know you appreciated the time and then make sure he has an easier evening of it tonight.:)

Actions, not words, are what will reassure him. Don't act like you are guilty if you did nothing to feel guilty about. And Dawn gave you great advice. There's a huge difference between 'the guy who always hangs around' and 'the guy you see once in ages who didn't pick up on those social cues'. I'm sure one day Mike will have his little one and look back and realize he stayed a little too late. No worries.

I would not have asked him to leave. He was visiting from far away. Don't see a problem. Both happily married. I am sure your husband did not give it a second thought. Let it go.

I think it's fine......I would make it a point to thank your husband for being so awesome and helpful so you could catch up with your old buddy!
I would throw in too that you thought he would get the hint and leave, but you didn't want to be rude, so you were unsure of what to do. Basically, just tell him what you told us!

Your husband mentioned to you that Mike bothered him in the past, I assume that he would have mentioned if he was still bothered...and he did not, so I would guess he is fine with this. He is probably more secure in your relationship now that you are married with a child than he was then.

I think it is great that you had the chance to catch up with an old friend and as others mentioned, if I was you, I would thank your husband for taking over bedtime to give you that extra time.

Also, I don't think everyone gets the "bedtime" hint. I speak from experience because most of our friends are childless and none of them think anything of me mentioning it. Some just assume its pjs and good night and not a 90 minute ritual :-) He does not have his baby yet..then he will understand...but having said that, this is not a friend you get to see whenever, so I think you and your husband handled the situation perfectly :-)

If your husband was bothered he needs to grow up. My husband would have encouraged me to spend as much time as possible with my friend.

I'm sure everything is just fine. Who would be banged up over that? You were fine in spending time with your friend-I bet your husband is quite secure in the fact that you love him and your son and your family-and nothing or no one is going to interfere-even if old pal Mike had spent the night on the couch!

At one point in my life many years ago something like this may have bothered me. When I was younger I was pretty insecure about situations like that. Fortunately for most people with maturity comes security... but I don't know how old you guys are, so maybe you are not there yet.

Nowadays both DH and I have such little time to spend with friends, I am sure my husband would have insisted on taking over bedtime duty so I could spend time with an old friend (and vice versa) and would have been happy for the other spouse to get another hour or so of enjoyment and adult conversation.
Personally I think this would be a non issue for mature adults.
Good luck!

Mine would not have cared and would have happily taken over bed time with no worries. If I were you I would say, "Thanks so much for doing bed time solo, it meant a lot that I got that extra hour with Mike." If he had any issues that were still lingering that would be his que to say something.

I think everything was totally fine.

But I would suggest thanking your husband for putting the kiddo to bed so you and Mike could catch up. It will make him feel appreciated and give him the opportunity to bring up any misgivings he may have had.

I probably would have taken over son duty and let my husband get to know Mike better.

I don't know how to answer your question properly...I don't know if your husband is upset, or if you should be laughing with a guy friend while your husband puts your child to bed...I don't necessarily think you did anything right or wrong.

It's your friend that did the wrong...I think ANYONE gets the idea, when you say it's time for your child to go to bed, that it means it's time to go. I don't think I've ever actually had to ASK someone to leave...

Sorry!! I'm sure it's okay with your husband!

You haven't seen Mike in years and won't see him again for years. He's happily married with a child on the way. You are happily married with a child. I don't see an issue here, unless your husband is insecure.

It may be simply that while Mike may enjoy his life in China, there's no place like home. He may not have realized how much he missed his home and friends until he saw them again.

Let it go.

my husband would have done the same thing. nothing suspicious. just a friend from the past.

don't ask, don't open that can of worms. be grateful your hubby was a big enough man to let it go and not say anything (IF it bothered him.) if it bothered him, he'll mention it and you can apologize. until then, just commit yourself to letting it go and maybe do something special for hubby to reassure him that HE'S your #1.

(and don't worry about everyone saying they don't get why this bothers you. that wasn't your question. i get it. a couple others get it. you're not a freak for worrying about your husband's feelings when this has been an issue in the past. i wish people could just leave the judgment out sometimes. -ignore me, i'm a little prickly, only up at 6:00 on a saturday because i have to go to work...lol)

This just happened to me last night! I host the church ladies every thursday night at my house. They go to church first to drop off the kids and then come over and leave around 8pm to pick up the kids/hubs and go home. So they all leave at 8 except one. She tells me she wants me to help her with some court paperwork for her ex. Ok, no problem. But she kept talking. Then MY husband and son came home from church. She kept talking. The kids went to bed, my son acting up a little and I had to keep getting up. You'd think she'd be like, ok, we'll talk about this later...but no. So she keeps chatting. I start yawning. and yawning. and yawning. Kids are in bed, hubs is sitting across from us watching tv. So FINALLY after I was thinking, GO HOME ALREADY! I figured out the trick. I remembered that when someone who keeps talking, the way to get THEM to stop, is YOU stop talking. You literally sit there after they say something and you say NOTHING. You don't say, uh-huh. Or nod your head or anything. When you do that, it just keeps encouraging them to talk...right? So after she said something, I just sat there. It was cricket-quiet!!! Then she said, well, I guess I better go. I said, yep, its late, but we will talk more about this Sat night when I see you at the mens softball game. IT WORKED!!! So I don't think you have to say, Ok, I'm tired you need to go. But just *hint* at it. Although I could say, well, its been nice chatting with you, but its getting late. NO harm saying that at all. As far as hubs goes, I would say something to him. Like, hey, I know Mike wasn't getting the hint to leave last night and I don't know if you felt uncomfortable with me talking to him on my own but I wanted you to know I would understand since it would probably have bothered me if you were out there alone talking to a chick without me. I think if you ever *think* your spouse may be thinking something, whether they are or not, you should always address it to clear the air. Good luck!

I think you handled it well. Sounds like your husband is a great guy! If anything I'd tell him how proud of him you are for taking on the kid task while you finished visiting.
Mike should have realized tho.....

I would ask hubby if he was okay with it. Even if he wasn't I wouldn't care. This was an important person to you and you had the right to catch up and visit. He came all the way overseas. It's not like he could come back next month or tomorrow. I'd have understood. I think your hubby did too.

Do you have a guest room? The hour was late, baby needed to be put down...your were enjoying the visit, so you could have all turned in and had a nice breakfast the next morning.

Even if you don't have a guest room, if he is a close friend the couch, a pillow and some blankets might do.

Blessings....

Or YOU could have been the one to do bath and bedtime. That would have been a huge hint.