I took my son to a birthday party over the weekend (the child of a co-worker). We had previously attended parties at this co-worker's house before my son was diagnosed ADHD and they had ended disasterously. My son is much younger (4 yrs younger) than their daughter (dangerous combination) and 3 yrs older than their oldest son. My son is a loving, sensitive child who before medication (and sometimes still) doesn't always understand personal space and plays somewhat rough. Because of our hard time in the past, we gave it some time before we attended another party. My son, now taking a prescribed ADHD medication and two years older, is much MUCH calmer and gentler.
So, this weekend we went to the party and were very happy to see another boy there. DS and this boy played very well the first half hour. Suddenly, I noticed the kids all up in a tree house and my son sullenly sitting off to the side. I walked within earshot to hear the birthday girl going on and on about how at her last birthday (it had actually been two years since we attended - when she was 8 and he was 4), my son "hit all of her friends" and not to play with him. I walked over and asked her to stop. After that, all of the kids shunned my son. I caught her saying the same thing twice more and asked her again to stop. Then, as they were going down the water slide, I overheard my son asking them to not push him down the slide. I watched as the group of children baracaided the top of the slide and when my son finally got through, the birthday girl kicked him, HARD, in the back. I gathered my son and our things and started to leave and my co-worker came over and asked what had happened. I told him and he ended up making his daughter sit in time out and apologize to my son and I, but then she refused to play on the water slide where he was and all of her friends followed her, so my son ended up being alone.
I feel horrible. I wished it hadn't happened. I felt like it was a big scene and I felt like my son and I came off looking like the one's in the wrong. What would you have done?
EDIT: At the previous party, the birthday girl was 8 and my son was 4. At present, she turned 10 and my son is 6.
Thanks for everyone's advice and support. I spoke to my husband after the party and he agreed with one of you that it didn't REALLY matter what happened before, this little girl was 10 and my son was 6 and they were never going to be true "friends" and there weren't any other boys there...besides the one boy who is two years older than my son. We also agreed that, as much as we like our coworker, that will be the last party we go to. I really wished it hadn't happened. I feel embarrassed that "we can't seen to go to one of this coworker's parties with out catastrophe". I hurt for my son. I just feel awful. But I agree, I at least won't let it happen again in that same scenario.
You did the right thing. This little girl was old enough to know better. Next time decline the invite and send a gift.
I'm sorry that happened to you.
However, even without last year's incident, your son is 4 years younger than the birthday girl and her peers-- and chances are he would have been shunned for the age difference anyway. He is not one of her close friends. You are friends with the parent and that's why you got invited. Hopefully the little girl got a good talking to about her social behavior and you were able to explain to your son the same thing.
I think you did fine. I also think the age difference between the kids played a big part in this. A girl turning 8 would probably do better with some friends from school that are the same age. It would be nice for her to be a little more forgiving and better about including your son, but 8 year olds want to play with other 8 year olds, not a 4 year old (and I was the one who grew up with the annoying little brother 4 years younger than me, so I admittedly I tend to side and be more sympathetic told those older kids most of the time).
She certainly should NOT have kicked your son - that was uncalled for, and she was disciplined for it. But from now on, if they have another party for their daughter, I would just be busy that day with something else, and let your son play with kids his own age.
Some kids are forgiving others are not. My younger son has PDD and I won't sugar coat it, he scared the other kids. He was pulled out for two years and I wouldn't have held it against any of those kids if they were still afraid of Andy, after all they hadn't seen him in two years, they had no proof he had changed.
What I found was 85% of the kids accepted him back like nothing ever happened. The other 15% were not so much afraid of him but targeted him because they knew he had lost him temper in the past so he could lose it now and they could play the victim. He only lost it once and was able to explain to the principal what happened. He did get in trouble for losing his temper but they got in more trouble for picking on him.
What really hurt was they were willing to risk my son's future to make themselves feel better. Andy could have been removed again for something beyond his control.
That girl sounds like part of the 15%. She was trying to lift herself up by tearing him down.
Be proud of your son that he didn't lose it, he stayed under control.
I am not sure how to answer your question. My son is 5 and has been extremely hyper active and unable to reaqd social cues since day 1. I always have a hard time going to big gatherings as the overstimulation makes behavior even more out of control. In a way I am thankful he is not yet able to read the cues but I can and it breaks my heart........Unfortunately your son was judged for something he did a year ago yet he's now got things under control. I am sorry for their harsh judgement and I pray that going through life he won't continue to be judged for his previous behavior. I don't think you did anything wrong - I think you handled it the way I would have.
That is tough - my heart is breaking for your little guy. :-(
That said - I don't think you could have handled it in any other way - nor the birthday girls parents. Unfortunately little kids can be mean like that (the bday girl) and I guess if I was you I probably would have packed up and left a bit sooner.
Sigh...sorry...
Dear S., I haven't read all the responses, but this girl has some major learning to do! If this is how their child behaves towards a much younger boy, she is mean, catty, gossipy, and without empathy. The fact the parents didn't catch the shunning of your son after the time out tells me a lot about your coworker. You really don't want your kids around them. If any of my kids would have done that, the party would have been over! As far as confronting the girl, whenever older kids are being mean to my younger son, I turn the situation around on them, and ask them if they would like if someone did to them what they did to my son. Usually they get big eyes, feel embarrassed, apologize, and move on. This has nothing to do with your son being diagnosed ADHD. Boys will be boys, especially young ones. I would talk with your coworker as if this girl continues on the path she is on... Really, don't feel bad about missing this coworker's parties. Talk to your kid about how that behavior was wrong and how he can learn not to treat people that way, and also talk about consequences for our actions. People don't always forgive and forget... Best wishes and God bless!
OK, so a 10 year old was acting like this? Dare I say it ?- What a brat!
I think you handled it the only way possible. However, I would have still left after apology was given.
If coworker asks - it is a simple explanation that the kids are just too far apart in age and just because the two of you enjoy eachother's company - the kids don't and relenquish them of the feeling of having to include your son in future activities. It is better for you and him if parties and friends are his and people who want to include him.
I think it happens all the time whether its a kid with ADHD or a disability. It could be as simple as a different dress. Its so hard to be a parent and sit back and watch your own child be picked on. Thats what it is, picking... as others said she was too old and he too young to be any type of good friend. She seems a bit rude as well. For a 10 year old to act like this at a party means mom and dad forgot to raise her with certain manners. That dad made such a deal about it, only adds to the embarrassment. My daughter just went through this this weekend. She is half Indian (India, indian) Thought she has tan skin she has light brown hair. So she was invited to another of her very good friends, who is full Indian, Birthday party at Pump It Up a bouncy house fun place. Their family does not interact with any other "white" family. I am really there only Caucasian American friend. So we get there and there is like 50 people and there kids.. Lots of kids. My DD is the whitest of them. However she really isn't that "White" it shouldnt matter though right? Well it wasnt her friend, that invited her, but a different group of girls also invited. My daughter is 4 as well as the other girl, but the older girls 7 and up and the boys, were teasing my daughter. They were keeping her from running on certain things, calling her ghosty. They were saying mean things in Hindi to her. She is knows some hindi but not enough to understand what they were meaning. they were double meaning things. I know Hindi as well but they were not aware of that cause I am very typical looking American. So when i heard what they were saying, I got after them and scolded them in there own tongue. Which made the oldest run to her mom and dad. They LEFT!! HOW rude! to just leave a party with no goodbye. NO explanation, no nothing. I said nothing more than, grow up, act decent, and stop teasing little children. So I apologized to the birthday girls family and made an excuse to leave. We got a call when the party was over, and they explained that they had heard what happened from someone else. They were extremely sorry for the experience, and asked if my DD could come that evening and just play with her friend alone for some time. That was very good of them. I think she enjoyed that and it didnt end in disaster. Especially since my 4 year old cried the whole way home from the party, and was sad and upset that other kids were treating her so terrible. Even on a regular playground kids havent ever done that. It as degrading, and humiliating. It turned out ok but it was a rough lesson to learn. Kids reflect there up bringing, and there own parents tolerance level and there social interactions. I think mom and dad has something to do with that girls behavior as well. Best as you said, not to accept another party invitation unless those people are fully aware of your situation and are comfortable.
You did everything right. I feel sad just reading this! You did everything right, and I wouldnt have done anything differently. The birthday girl behaved very poorly.
In the future, dont go to this girl's parties. Your son will have a better time at birthdays for his own friends, and not his mom's work friends kids, anyway.
Do NOT feel embarrassed. The only person who should be embarrassed is the parent of the poorly behaved party girl - but even then - kids dont always behave well and anyone who is a parent understands that.
Give your son a hug and put it behind you.
Awe, I see you've already came to a conclusion and it sounds as though one I would have came to.
I would just make sure if you haven't to have a talk with your son. Tell him that girl is a bully and the right steps to take if he ever encounters someone like that again. Also reassure him he has done nothing wrong.
I think you did fine. The only thing I would have done is talked to her M. after two warnings. I do know it hurts to see your child left out. I would not take him to any more of her parties.
