How Would You Respond to This Text Regarding an Invite to Your Child's Party?

Good for you. I used to tell them "The party place allows extra children to attend for x dollars. You will be asked to pay at the door." Suddenly they were busy. LOL

I'm with you on this one. It was rude and presumptuous. If she had said, "We have a guest staying with us that is a friend of my daughter. Would it be okay if she came with DD? I could stay and help manage the crowd if you would like."
I may have a hard time saying no to it if it were phrased differently than she did

In my upbringing, this crosses the line of manners as well.

You only come when invited. Eat when offered. Just take one or only serve what you can eat. Save secrets for one on one time. Say only what you mean and only say it if it is okay that it is repeated.

Although mom didn't cover them all...only invited guests would be a given.

I was right there with ya up until the end of your SWH.
If you are this uptight about manners I can't imagine how you'll react when you realize other families have different religions, political associations, etc.
So WHAT if this mom has bad manners, you are judging her like she's a leper or a druggie or something!
And your daughter LIKES this girl. And you are sabotaging the friendship based on a TEXT.
I'm sorry but grow up, this is not high school, and your daughter should have SOME say in her friendships.
Shutting down a potential friend because you question her *class* sounds like something from 1959, and frankly, people like you scare me :-(

I would either say, "Sure," or "Sorry, we don't have room for any more," depending on which was the case. Other than that, I wouldn't fret over it being "rude and presumptuous."

For me personally, it's not a big deal.

Of course *I* would never, ever ask a party host if I could bring an uninvited kid, because like you, I would find it presumptuous and rude.
However,
it's happened to me a few times over the years, and in both cases I found it to be a cultural difference.
One family was Hispanic, the other Greek, and while I can't remember the details now I know one situation involved a cousin and the other was a family friend that was also a house guest at the time.
I didn't realize it until after getting to know these people, but they weren't really being rude, what they were doing was very typical for their culture. When there was a party, the more the merrier. Food and drink is always prepared in abundance in anticipation and expectation of extra guests, and space is not really an issue, they are used to being crowded and loud.
As a white girl born and bred in Iowa, a place where you never show up at someone's house without an expressed invitation, this came as quite a shock.
Not saying that's the case here, but maybe it could be?
I learned after that to always have some extra goodies on hand, and not be too rigid in my OWN hostessing manners.
Because it's true, the MORE really IS often the merrier :-)

Ok, I possibly agree that this is a little rude but at the same time, not an actual big deal.
Reading your update, I now have a new concern that someday I could accidently offend some easily offended mother of my daughter's friend and all of a sudden she is out of a friend. "On to the next" is a pretty sad way to look at someone your daughter considers a friend. Maybe you should save the cutting out friends for something a little more serious.

It's not odd at all. If the child was going to be with her and you didn't specify that siblings can't come then most people would just assume they could come. At least she asked first.

I don't take kids and drop them off. I am just odd I guess. I think it's totally rude to leave your kids at someone's house and leave. To me that's odd because you really don't know these people.

When the kids started having birthday parties in Head Start all the parents stayed at the parties and if there were little brothers or sisters they came too. Mom or dad just managed them.

That's why I always just invite everyone and say no RSVP's because no one responds anyway. I buy a cake that is big enough to feed everyone and if they come they get cake, if they don't come we eat cake for dessert the next few days.

I'd say you might want to lighten up or not have birthday parties anymore. People are going to bring siblings and if she thinks of this other child are her child then she's like a sibling to this other girl.

Not everyone is as formal as you sound.

Why are you so angry about this? Since when do 7 year olds get adult requirements? And why is it wrong for the mother to ask? Seriously, so you answer, "sorry, we only were able to invite X number because of the size of our home" and move on. I really don't get the super angry vibe from this. Am I missing something?

She was asking. She didn't just show up with an extra child (which happens at some parties I've been to). If she's caring for the child at the time, rather than dropping off one child and keeping one back, she may have been wondering if you're having the type of party where one more child would be welcome. Or not.

If I received this request I would not be offended and if there was room I'd welcome the child. If I sincerely couldn't fit in one more child, like it was an intimate little gathering with reservations for a specific number of kids..I'd say, "I'm so sorry we can't because.." and if she was nice she'd understand completely. If it's a "whole class party" she probably assumed that it would be OK to ask since you're inviting a buttload of people and lots won't show if it's the usual kind. My friend just had a "whole first grade class invited" party at a rock climbing gym and only 7 kids showed.

"Now I am completely turned off. Anyone who would ask this sort of thing is someone very different than me, and is most likely raising her child(ren) differently than I am. Oh well. Next...."

Yes, you two do sound incompatible.

This would be filed under "not that big of a deal".

Your unsure about fostering a friendship between the children because the mother dared to ask if a friend could come along? Really? It's that big of a deal? Um okay...

My reply would have been "Sure, one more can only add to the fun". One more isn't going to break the bank. One more really isn't going to take up much more space (and I get small houses). One more is one more person for the kids to play with.

Honestly I'm not seeing what the big deal is. It's really not something I would get my panties in a wad about.

FYI though. I'd never ask, unless it was unexpected (the extra child) and my child really wanted to go.

I really do not see what the big deal is????? Would I personally do it no, but it would really not upset me to the point of posting it on this site and going so far as to say you would not like this person for it. Relax much???? Wow, so this defines this person? This makes her a bad mother????? I am sorry but you sound rude. I know one time my daughter was invited to a friends b day and her cousin was with going to be at our house that day. When I called to let the mom know she would not be able to attend because her cousin would be over the mom responded she is more than welcome to bring her along. She said its completly up to you ect... but feel free. I would have responded the same way. Seriously their are actual problems in this world their are actual bad parents in this world and this women does not sound like one. So my advice relax sorry everyone is not quite as perfect as you and open your mind to other people and their ways. I am sorry you can only be friends with people exactly like you. Hopefully your daughter does not pick up on that. Now that is what I would call rude.

You invited the whole darned class. She probably didn't realize that one more would be such a burden.

Personally, I see nothing wrong with her asking, Maybe her daughter said she would feel more comfortable if the other child were there.

Probably something like, "I'm sorry but that just won't be possible. I already budgeted for X number of kids and that's all we will have space for."

But wow, yeah, I agree - that's really rude, but sometimes some people are kind of clueless or just don't think it is a big deal. Or maybe it's the generation of parents now who believe every kid should be included in everything because God forbid they were left out and got their feelings hurt. We share carpooling with another family for school and their daughter is a year older than mine. A few times this other girl has told DD about a birthday party she is invited to for a friend of hers and DD will say she wishes she could go too. So then this other little girl will tell DD, "Well, I'll just ask Sally if you can come too!" and I have to be the one to correct her since I am the one driving - "Jenny, that's very nice of you to want to include DD, but only the birthday girl and her family are the ones allowed to invite people." And I have to tell DD that unless she gets an invitation directly from someone, the answer is no - she can't just invite herself, or ask to be invited, or ask her friend to get her invited. I also remind her that she will have plenty of her own birthday parties to go to as time goes on.

I think both her question and your response were fair and understandable.

I don't think either of you were rude. I do think you're overthinking just a bit.

If my daughter were friends with your daughter, and my daughter also had a good friend, I wouldn't think it far fetched that my daughter's friend might also become friends with your daughter. Yay! More nice friends!

While I agree it is not the polite thing to do to ask to bring an uninvited guest there may have been extenuating circumstances. From the sounds of it (adopted daughter) Mary spends a lot of time at Susie's house. Maybe out of necessity. Perhaps they had already planned for Mary to spend the night or weekend with Susie. Susie may be really excited about attending your child's birthday party but alas...can not leave Mary home because that too would be quite rude. The other Mom may not have wanted to mention the sleep over so as not to hurt your child's feelings that she wasn't included in the sleep over. Or she could just be a socially clueless Mom ;D

One never knows what is really going on behind the scenes. In any case if I had the room I'd say no problem but if we've already reached maximum capacity I would simply say "I'm sorry but we've already exceeded our budget/space limitations."

Peace and Blessings,
T. B

I wouldn't ask for another kid to be invited too, but I wouldn't be at all offended or put off if someone did ask. It's just a question, and what if a disappointing # of invitees were coming? Mary's presence just might help boost your guest #s. No harm in asking, and no harm in denying the request. I wouldn't take it as a negative sign of the mother's character. Much better to ask than to just show up with a plus 1.

This has happened a couple of times in my years of experience. I've always said, yes. One more child isn't going to make a difference. Your daughter likes her. I applaud the mom for asking. Some would just send the child. I suggest, since you did want your daughter to make friends with her, that you let go of your ill feelings and continue to encourage the friendship.

Frankly being upset by this request seems rather petty to me. You invited a whole class. Really, what difference would one more child make? I can see why this mom wanted to include this girl who is a close part of her family and I think she was thoughtful to ask first.

I am a middle class conservative American who has studied many aspects of society. I would not consider her asking as being rude since your daughter knows and likes this child and you'd already asked 25 or so other kids. Sounds like you don't know this mom. Why would you allow one note, that probably is considered rude by those who follow Emily Post, to turn you against her and this child? I suggest, that since she took the chance of irritating you, to ask that a child close to her and her daughter attend, that she's a caring person. You might even like her if you gave her a chance. Or you might not but, really, to judge her based on one incident seems really extreme.

I suggest that people who are more open are probably more confident and able to consider the feelings of others. They try to see incidents from the viewpoint of the other person and refrain from judging. If they don't want to have the child attend they would just say so without all this drama. Perhaps you're more comfortable keeping with people who are more like you. That's OK, too. It's also OK to say no, without coloring the other person as rude. Do what works for you.

I see that you're living in the Phoenix AZ area. If this mom is of Mexican descent, their culture is much different than ours when it comes to parties. It's good to accept that not all people have the same expectations of social interaction.

I think texting was rude, but I don't think the request by itself was. I had a friend last year call me to say her son (invited to our pool party) was having a sleepover with an out of town friend the night before and would it be ok if the friend came along (friend would not be due to go home yet). I said it would be fine. I have also had friends call to ask if their out of town (parents, friends) who were house guests at the time could attend various parties we have had. Of course I said yes. If my mom (who lives out of town) were visiting me and I was invited to a party while she was here, I would call the host and ask if it would be ok if I brought her. A host can always say no. I don't see how a request is implicitly rude. It is not like she was inviting additional strangers to a wedding.

Come on yall. She is not super angry she is just asking us, as friends, if it was as tasteless as she thinks.

I would not be upset if the invited kid came with a gift. But if the kid doesn't bring a gift--oops there would be no goodie bag for her to take home, either.

I totally understand your thoughts on this, but I think she was actually mannerly in calling to ask first before just showing up like so many people do these days with extra siblings or friends/family. The bottom line is whether you're a 7 year old kid or a 35 year old adult, if your name is not on the invitation, you don't go. Period. Parties take planning and cost money to cover the attendees. When more show up than planned for, the host looks like they didn't plan correctly, when actuality it wasn't their fault at all. It was the guests who brought more than invited. This is the total byproduct of this generation of thinking that we all deserve to get what others get, and at no regard for anyone else.

My sister had a b-day party at a jump castle place and invited his preschool class of 12. She had over 25 kids there as the families brought their other kids and family members WITHOUT telling her or asking her. She did not have enough cake, ice cream, goodie bags for them all, and when she started to dole them out to the invited kids, the siblings got upset and the parents got pissy. It was ridiculous. She felt badly and swore to never again have another party like this. She was taken advantage of as most of the parents just dropped their kids off for 2 hours of free babysitting. It's a shame that people actually think this is ok, as it seems most of the posters that have replied to this post think.

Would this little girl be ok at the party. Probably yes. But she wasn't invited. End of story.

Yes that is very rude. It never ceases to amaze me how oblivious some people are to manners when it comes to parties and rsvp's these days. I would've responded "I'm sorry, but we only planned for X amount of kids from DD's class and we're at our limit, thanks for understanding."

i dont see how its rude. its a house party. one more kid wont add expenses. if it wasnt a house party you could reply "sure but only x kids are included so there will be a x fee when you get there"

I dont see the huge issue. perhaps she's babysitting and didnt want to not show up since her daughter likes yours? perhaps this is the only day that works for the 2 girls to hang out and sleepover but her daughter also doesnt want to miss a friends party. I J. dont see how its that big of a deal or that rude. She did ask. some people J. show up with extra kids.

I would never ask that. Not for a child's birthday party. Wow.

Once when we had a very small party for my daughter at our house (maybe 4 friends of hers?, 2 of whom were sisters --one older than my daughter and one just slightly younger), I called one of the neighborhood moms and asked her if she would like to bring her kids over also. They weren't invited to the party, as in, I didn't send them an invitation. Her kids are much younger than my daughter, too, but her daughter and my daughter got along and played outside every once in a while. Anyway... We had a huge blow up water slide (and we also have a pool). So since we had enough eyes to watch the kids (a few kids didn't RSVP) and I knew the woman's kids were at home and could see our back yard... I called that morning and said: "Hey! You want to bring the kids over and swim and play on the slide? We're having some cake and ice cream, too."
She very politely said "oh, I don't have time to run to the store for a birthday gift, so...." but I cut her off and said---You don't need to do that... just bring the kids and let them have fun.
She did. And they all had fun.

But would I ever invite unknown kids to someone ELSE's party? No.

I would text her "no LOL"

I hate when people text something that they know is not right, and then add in lol like that will make it all better!! Some people are so rude!! I remember when my boys were young - my FIL never paid them one bit of attention - and we were having a dual birthday party for both my boys. We got them a bouncy house and had lots of fun stuff going on. Anyway, my FIL brought his new wife's granddaughter to our house, so she could have fun. He doted on her the whole time and never paid any attention to my kids. I just ignored him. He never even asked if she could come. So I don't blame you one bit for being upset about this. Like I said before, some people are so rude!!

"No, I'm sorry but I had to limit the number of guests. I hope you understand."

Basically, that's asking a sibling to come to the party. If the children are school aged, the one child can be dropped off and the mother can do something else with the 7 yr old. I really dislike it when a family is seen as a set when the set hasn't been specifically invited.

At least she asked, though. Some people just drop off an extra kid.

Oh, my gosh....... it is amazing how crass some people can be!

Sorry, but that would not fly with me..... I would end up replying something like "I'm sorry, but the party is for those children that my daughter has invited. No tag-alongs, please."

Rude, rude, rude!!!

People are outta their minds these days! It's the same thing as people assuming they can drop off siblings. Will never, ever, ever, understand it.

I think your response was right on point.. It IS becoming a commonplace to have no manners and impose ourselves unto other people..

IF the party was at some huge park or somewhere that is large enough .. then I'd probably have said, Ok .. why not.. But seriously, it IS a little nervy of that person to ask if they can bring another friend... What some parents don't seem to understand.... parties cost money... food cost.. etc.. not to mention... it's YOUR daughter's party.. if the child wasn't invited.. then so be it..

I keep seeing this happen over and over but its with a kid's mom wanting to send a younger sibling along with the older one who was invited to a party... However, I have also noticed now that parents are writing on the invites: "Due to lack of space, no younger siblings invited."

I am taken back a bit when someone wants the younger sibling to come along and the parent figures the host parents will provide the childcare..

yep... some people don't have manner or commonsense..

"Please let Susie know that (daughter)'s party is really meant just for her friends. We'd love to have Susie come and do hope she can make it for our girl's special day."

The end.
Good gracious, if she can't pick up the phone and call in person like a real human being, do not worry about being perceived as rude. The imposition and idea itself are rude, in a way. At least, from my viewpoint. I'd never ask this question of someone who was hosting a party my son was invited to.

No, you are not in the Twilight Zone. Propriety isn't dead, but some people's manners sure do stink.:(

ETA: It would have been a very different thing were the kids older or if it was an adult affair. We have been gracious in welcoming family and friends who were visiting from out of town to gatherings. I just don't understand-- the mom obviously takes a shine to Mary, which is all well and good, but she should have had the savvy to shut it down before it became a question, period.

If I did not have room or enough party stuff for an extra I would say Sorry, no.. We just do not have the space.. If I had extra room and felt like I could (and wanted) an extra child, I would say, sure bring her along.

Completely rude. I hate when people put me in a spot.. Tacky, Tacky..

I would be so annoyed by that!!! No way would I allow that to happen UNLESS the child were visiting from out of town. But, if that was the case, the mom should have asked differently. Assuming it's just a local friend, I would have texted this reply:

"I'm really sorry, but we're already at our max. I hope Susie will still come though. DD really wants her there."

I am sorry but the R.S.V.P. is for one, will that be a yes or no?

I think that your response was fine, but I think that you might have read too much into it. For a lot of people, that would have been okay. Maybe she did tell her daughter that it probably wouldn't be a good idea but then decided to ask you, anyway, on the off chance that you would say, "The more, the merrier!" It shouldn't have hurt to ask, but maybe it did.

(Oh, and for the record, I tend to be very strict with my invitations. I don't like for other people to add to my guest list. That said, all parties aren't the same, and neither are all hosts. Children's parties tend to be less formal, more inclusive. Following that thought, she took a chance and made no assumptions.)

Lol after a rude request does not make it less rude.
If I knew my child had a party to go to, I would not have another child come over to my house near party time. I would hate to have to tell her, "Well Mary, it's been nice having you, but you need to go now so that Susie can go to a party." Nor would I ask if I could bring an extra child. The only scenario I can think of where that would be acceptable is if the kids were toddlers requiring parental supervision at the party and the extra kid was with me due to an emergency.

There is no nice way to say "No you cannot bring a child I don't know, and I can't believe you had the gall to ask."
Simply tell her "I'm afraid that's not going to be possible. If Susie can't come without Mary, then we will miss Susie, but we'll understand."

We live in an increasingly rude world.

I had a party once and a guest asked me to invite this one couple. I just said, if I wanted them here, I would have invited them

I can't believe your text!

How about texting back "I'm sorry, but I'm really only inviting children that my birthday girl actually knows. It's not really a party for strangers..." That should be enough, and she should know that what she asked for wasn't appropriate. If she argues, don't text her back. If Susie doesn't show up, then you know where you and your daughter stand...

Some people have either a lot of nerve, or a lot of stupidity...

Oh, I just saw your SWH. Don't blame you. But if she makes a remark at your party (if she actually shows...), tell her that you feel that the birthday girl is the important one here, not someone the birthday girl doesn't know...

Quite frankly, I'd be a bit pissed because what this REALLY means is that Susie (and mom) don't consider your daughter to be the most important person at the party. Mary is who they feel is more important...

I see your point. Just because a kid is invited doesn't mean their siblings can come unless mom is staying at the party and the kid is under two. And even then, you have to keep your eye on them constantly, not assume they get a seat that the party.

I do think a simple text was rude. If she had called or even texted more - my daughters friend, blah, blah is coming to spend the day unexpectedly and I have a dr. appt. or whatever and would it be too much to ask.

People have no regards for RSVPs. They don't respond, back out at the last minute, ask to bring more people - yes, people have lost all sense of manners.

"Sorry, I had limited daughter to only 10 people, which means she was unable to invite all her friends and acquaintances. I'll have to say No to an additional guest who wasn't on her original list".

(Even if that's not true)

In reality I'd tell the person sure, the more the merrier, because that's my BD party style, but I am with you, that is a totally presumptuous and rude request! I mean really, sometimes there truly are limits and you don't want one more.

While I'm all for the "Don't lower your standards for those who refuse to raise theirs" motto, it doesn't have to be a big deal either.

And yes, people have lost their common sense and manners. But look for those who haven't and focus on them.

At the very least, she should have called--not texted--to ask. Yes, rude!

Technically, she should have said, "Susie would love to come to xx's birthday party, but I've agreed to watch her friend/my adopted daughter that day". This puts the ball in your court to say, "Maybe next time. Thanks for letting me know." or "Oh, just bring her along. What's one more??" She should not have just asked!

Your text was perfect. You gave a response and backed it up with why.

At least you got a text. I had a party reserved for my daughter once and one of her classmates showed up with two of her cousins and they just assumed that they would be included in the party, which I had to pay per kid. They did not get any of the party treats (tokens, lunch), but I did give them cake and punch. I was like, "Who allows this and thinks this is appropriate?" I stopped inviting this girl because she kept showing up with un-invited people with no consideration of whether or not this was ok with the host.

You are not in the Twilight Zone. I also had a mom who would always pawn her son off at my daughter's parties when her daughter was the principle guest. I got to the point that I just had to say, "No, sorry not enough room this time!" This is very typical, but absolutely rude.

I think it's somewhat rude, too, but I probably would have said "OK."

It's possible that the other mom thought - since the party was at your home - that it was more casual and less dependent on a hard head count. But if I were her I would have wanted my child to mix with the other kids at the party rather than cling to her friend who doesn't know anyone else there.

I agree with you for the most part but if I could have squeezed her in I probably would have (just telling you how I would have handled it, not that my way is correct).

Does she live with them? If so I might feel like ok let her come. However, if it is just a friend that is quite ballsy. Excuse the expression Nothing surprises me.

You handled it perfectly, exactly as I would have. It's pretty nervy that she made that request considering the girl she was trying to send with her daughter wasn't actually a sibling but a friend of the family. But look at it this way: at least she did call and ask first.

I have a feeling that her daughter was feeling some anxiety about being separated from her BFF, even for a party at another friend's house, and this was the mom's way of trying to ease her anxiety. It's not something I would have done.

You're far from being a snob or too formal about this. There are reasons we set up parties a certain way... and not everything can be a free for all.