What Would You Do? (Issue with a Parent)

Why don't you just explain to him the way you just explained to us? Sounded pretty good to me... Just tell him about the stress levels, the kinks you are in the middle of working out, and ask that he hold his opinions to himself, at least until which time you can handle it again, and tell him that you don't want anything to come between the two of you. I am sure that even if it doesn't seem like it, he is doing it out of love for you. Even if the way he is doing it is causing you to stress, maybe he is just dealing with the fact that you are not living the exact way he had always planned you would.

I had to go back and add in here that the whole "cut him off" comment really upset me... he is your father after all... I can't beleive how willing people are to "drop" family members... and then we wonder why things have changed so much in society... people don't hold dear what is truly important in life!

Good luck, take a deep breath!

Sounds like you know exactly what to say-you said it in your last paragraph. Tell him his criticism hurts you deeply, that you will parent your child the way you see fit and you will no longer tolerate insults and name calling. You don't speak to him that way and you expect the same consideration.

I try to give the elderly a pass. They get to an age where they have no filter. They think they've eraned the right to say what ever thay damn well please! And sometimes, as Manda said, it's a depreciation in thier mental state. You know you aren't going to change an old man. If it were me I would be as frank as he is, without meanness or anger. Just matter of fact reply to the email that he had his turn to raise kids and make his own mistakes and now it's your turn. When ever he says something negative have a ready response like - "Thanks for your opinion dad, but i've got this" - or "Duly noted" - and then move on to another subject. You can't cut him off, but you can limit his contact woth your son. I would just be the dutiful daughter sending birthday cards and calling on holidays. Check on his well being, but don't go stay with him anymore. Limit his opportunities to judge you. Sometimes you just have to grin and bear it.

2 thoughts:
1. You say his health isn't great. Has he been evaluated for Alzheimer's, dementia or depression? Since it seems like this is new behavior for him, what you're describing is often one of the unseen symptoms of a developing condition.

2. Failing that, I would calmly let him know that the email really upset you, and if he is that troubled by your parenting style and son's behavior, that you feel it would be best if he didn't see [your son] anymore. Take as much emotion out of it as you can and just be matter of fact. If there is nothing larger wrong, and he's just being critical, there's no reason that you need to deal with that. Just cut him off.

I just tell people who want to criticize my parenting skills that I am the parent to my children and the best parent out there for them. I tihnk a lot of people find other children's actions horrible. And a two year old at that! We all know how fun they can be :O). Not saying your little guy is bad - I think my boys took the award for doing two the best that it can be done!! haha - but seriously. I'd tell your dad to knock it off. I had to have a huge blow out fight with my mother when she finally made the last comment that broke my ability to remain calm. It has forever changed the way she is with my kids. She has always been close with my daugher, but the boys were a little different. My daughter never did 2's or 4's...just a little whiny and mouthy now at 7 :). Just be up front with him, in a non-confrontational way!

You've gotten some good advise so far: Consider the start of dementia (it can make people REALLY mean and inappropriate!), the fact that he is older, etc.
He is your father and although he stresses you out and upsets you, I'm sure you love him and care about him.
I'd respond in the email with the old "positive-positive-negative" approach. You know? Two goods, then a knock out? lol
You could tell him/write him: "Dad I enjoyed our time together and I always listen to what you have to say, but I would really like you to stop criticizing my parenting decisions."
or
"Dad, I love you and you're a great dad, but I need to you to respect the choices I make for my own family now."
Good luck!

I agree with Manda M. Behavior like what your describing can often time be an early indication of Alzheimer's, etc. and if his behavior appears to be going back and forth (criticizing one thing, but then seeming to support it the next moment), I would want to make certain that this gets ruled out. If they are ruled out though, then calmly explaining what you put here seems like the best way to go. Good luck!

I am so sorry your visit ended this way. It is so hard to hear things like that from someone you love. You are a bigger and stronger person than I am. If my parents called my child the things your father said about your son I would not speak to my parents again.

That being said if you don't want that then I would not mention that he might not be welcome at the holidays. Start out more slowly. Maybe you could explain to him that you feel he criticizing more than supports you and that it hurts your feelings. Tell to him that you and your husband are making parenting choices that you feel are right and it isn't his place to tell you other wise. Maybe if he understands how much he is hurting you with the things he says and does he will stop. See how he responds and go from there.

I wish you all the luck in this situation.

Kudos to you for being the grown up. I think you know exactly what you should do. Your last paragraph sums up perfectly how you should handle this. Good luck. I hope he can rise up and meet you where you are at.

what i told my dad is you raised your 3 its my turn and I dont want to make the same mistakes as you . he started keeping his mouth shut after that.

I've noticed that alot of parents whose kids are now grown forget what its like to have a toddler. My own mother, who was a SAHM to five children all only a 1-2 year age difference talks about us now like we were angels. I would just let him know that you don't need his parenting "advise" and that you need him to keep his opinions to himself going forward.

No real advice but EVERY time I call my dad, he lives in another country, he will ask me if I already lost the baby weight. EVERY freaking time: Have you lost the weight yet?
He is supposed to love me no matter how much I weight, I find the question highly insulting and funny thing is, he IS overweight and has been overweight most of his life; I answer him with a: Nope, how about you, have you lost YOUR beer belly yet?

You already have some truly heart warming advice here. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. My father could be your Dad's twin, but even more divisive and evil. And it is not dementia or Alz. for my dad. He has ALWAYS been this way. He criticizes everyone. And I've called him on it just recently in a lengthy letter (14pgs.) to him. There were many things to address clearly. And his response is exactly what I was expecting, he turned it all around and blamed me for being ungrateful, etc. He actually wrote me a little note on a piece of scrap paper stating "I did him wrong."

I have even take the kinder approach before of saying, Dad, I really want my kids to have sweet, nice memories of a loving Grandpa...That worked for a while, but then his old negative, critical, condescending ways resurfaced. I have unfortunately chosen to ignore him. It is not a peaceful decision, but a necessary one.

What gets me in a situation like yours, is, did your dad even help raise you? My dad did not really spend a lot of hands on time raising myself and siblings at all. I do not have good memories of a good father. So for him to come in at this stage of my life with advice about parenting is laughable.

Wow. He sounds similar to my mom. She is very critical of our parenting and our 6 yr old son's behavior. I think part of it is she does not remember what a 6 year old is like anymore! She thinks he is abnormal. I wish she lived closer and I could take her to cub scout meetings and to other friend's houses so she can see that they are all a handful at times! It has gotten so bad that part of me does not want her to come visit bc I know she'll just be critical the entire time. It's not helpful.

Wow, maybe my dad does have a brother. First, I would write out all your frustrations and nastiness that you want to tell him and save the draft email or word doc, etc.

Then, nicely write out, that while you appreciate the fact that he takes an interest in your life, his criticisms and negativity are not welcome and will not be responded to. Thank you so much for the visit and for hosting you. He won't have anything to react to, and his reaction will be on him.

I would just thank him for his concern and advice. But, then tell him that the way he says things hurts your feelings. Have you considered that what your father is saying might have some truth to them? I know it is hard to hear criticism about our children, but sometimes those things that sting are the most efffective in bringing needed change into our lives. Don't buy they "normal 2 year old" line. They don't have to be "normal." I'm not exactly sure what you mean by that at any rate, but I have an idea. When a person hasn't been around a toddler in a long time, it can be shocking to them if that child is very active.
About the other issues he addresses with you, I think it is rude to make those comments to anyone, but even more so to people you love. I'm sorry about that. I would have been hurt also, to be sure. But, I would probably gloss over those, thank him for his concern for your child, and let him know that it did hurt your feelings. I hope you can smooth over any conflict between you two.