My Mom, the Grandmother, WHY Is She So Mean!

I just finished reading an article about dementia. You mentioned that you noticed it five years ago. One of the first signs/symptoms of it is personality change. Has she always been this mean or just the last five years? If only the last five years then she could be getting dementia or alzheimer's.

Whoa. Sorry.
She REALLY owes you an apology.
Just...not....nice.
Her own grandson? Wow.
That's just mean.
I probably wouldn't initiate any contact until she apologizes.
She crossed the line.

You know what?
Some people are mean for no reason at all.
There's no mental condition, no aging condition, no reason for them to spout gloom/doom/mean-ness.
They just do it because they like to and they can.
When they put people down, it makes them feel above them and important.
If she can't/won't change, then stay away from the old nasty cow and let her find someone else to pick on.

G., I'm sorry this is happening to you. As others have said, if this did seem to begin rather unexpectedly about five years ago, and before that she was not as hyper-critical and rude as she has become, there is a good chance that Alzheimer's or some other form of early dementia is at work. Personality change is an early indicator and for some people that change unfortunately is a swing toward cruel and rude verbalization.

Here's another thought: You mention that "in rare occasions she can be pleasant." Sit down and really think hard: Are those occasions tied to something specific? For instance, is she pleasant when you and she are doing some particular type of activity, such as going on an outing, eating a meal, taking the kids to an event? (Those are just ideas; you will know what activities are her "pleasant" ones.)

If there is any slight predictability to when she may be more pleasant, then build all your contact with her around those activities. If a casual visit with sitting and chatting will always turn into criticism, but walking through a mall won't because she's focused instead on talking about what's in the store windows -- well, arrange mall meet-ups but don't drop in at her house. If she is likelier to be critical and cruel when at your house, invite her somewhere neutral instead. If she's pleasanter when your son is not around -- I hate to say it but see her without him, at least for now. If she seems mellower in the mornings, stick only to mornings when you phone her or see her. You might need to spend a bit of time really mulling over each time you've seen or talked to her and whether certain triggers like location, time of day, whether she'd just eaten or was hungry--anything--could indicate when are the better times to be around her.

All of that, of course, depends on the vital question of whether you even really want to keep up a relationship with her. If your relationship prior to these past few years was a good one, with positive memories, and if the criticism and negativity are really only over these past few years, you may want to keep up your relationship because it would seem that the change could be medically related and shouldn't obliterate a lifetime of good relations. But if she has always had a strong critical streak and the inability to curb her comments, then you could reconsider having much contact with her. Only you know if your prior relationship was a normal and overall good one.

If it were me,

"Mom I am tire of the insults, the backhanded comments and the hurt. You crossed the line with my son, if you want to continue to be a part of our lives you will speak to us with respect. If you do not think you can do this, then this needs to be a parting of ways."

Sorry, but I would refuse to put up with this type of mistreatment. I was in verbally abusive relationship for a year and a half, it was the absolute worst time of my life. I just can't imagine it going on forever.

If she has not always been like this.. There is something going on with her. Is she acting like this towards anyone else in her life?

Its my experience people that are jealous are not so aggressive. They will be more insidious where you are not sure if they are being mean or not.

Until she goes to seek help from a Doctor and explains honestly that she has been aggressive to her family members, I would tell her you are concerned about her, because she does not seem to be herself,, but you will no longer allow her to share her opinions with your children.

Protect yourself and your children. Your mother needs help, it may take a lot of people avoiding her till she realizes she has a problem..

Depression can also present itself as anger or irritation. I think it's time your mother had a full physical work-up.

My husbands mother can be like this. Other times, the most generous person in the world. But when she sees him, it is always, oh, your hair, oh my, why have you done this, why not this, well, I just can't imagine...she used to refer to one of my daughter's as "the heavy one" when my daughter was 5. Sigh. I honestly don't think she realized how hurtful it is. Once when I stood up for him and walked our family out of her house, I became the "over the top" daughter-in-law and over-sensitive. They still kind of think that. I think her family grew up that way and that it is sad. I am sad for all she is missing out on - all of the good that my husband is and can be that she will never see. I'm sorry :(

cut her off, ya'll dont need the hate or drama she is bringing into your lives!!

How old is your mom? Has she always behaved this way or is this a change in her behavior? One of the early signs of dementia is personality change. Has she had a thorough physical lately? Her behavior is mean and totally inappropriate. Maybe she has a medical or psychological problems? Why don't you encourage her to get checked out by a physician? If she has no medical problems, I would end visits very quickly when she starts in on something or someone.

Does your Mom have a drinking problem? Sounds like it. She may also be bi-polar or in depression. See if you can get her any help. You can contact social services for your county and ask what it would take for you to sign her in for a psych eval.
If you don't have enough evidence then you need to get yourself into counseling to learn how to deal with her. Personally, I would stop seeing her. Family is supposed to love and nurture you--not be mean and hurtful. You SO loves you and cherishes you, let that be enough. Find friends to be your family.

Simply tell your Mom that until she can treat you with respect and dignity she will not see you or your son. Then don't return her calls and if she comes to visit have your SO answer the door and tell her you are not home or wish to see her. If he's not home don't answer the door.

If you can move a bit further away so it's not so convenient to just stop over.

Read the book "Boundaries" by Dr. John Townsend and Dr. Henry Cloud. It will tell you exactly what to do. Best book I've ever read besides the Bible.

Sounds like alzheimers or dementia. Sorry - these are classic signs of it - they speak whatever they think and usually it's very mean. Maybe ask her if she's had a recent physical, and if not, recommend one. So sorry you're going through this.

G....I agree with most of the things that the other Mama's have suggested...if this is a recent change in your Mom's behavior, I would think it might be a medical or psychiatric issue...but getting her to get herself checked out is going to be a real challenge. The real goal is to change how YOU react to this!! It isn't really possible to think that you can cut off ALL contact with her...she is...after all...your Mother and you live close to her so it is going to be next to impossible...even if that is what you want to do.
What I can tell you is what I used to tell my girls when they were growing up and having to deal with bullies and other girls and boys who were making life unpleasant for them.....You can't be responsible for what they do and say all you can be held responsible for is how you act and how you react to their words and actions!! Don't allow your Mother to turn you into a bitter, hateful person like she seems to be. Instead of coming back at her with the responses that one of the Mama's suggested...with the cursing and smart alec reactions...try real humor....or NOT reacting at all!! But when it comes to your child it is an entirely different story...you cannot, must not expose him to this belittling and digs...I would simply eliminate contact between the two of them as much as possible. And explain to your son that Grandma is unhappy about something in her life and it makes her lash out at the people closest to her. Try to use it as a teaching moment for your son...to talk to him about how to treat other people...how to love his Grandma even though she isn't being kind to him right now.
It could be that this is something beyond your Mother's control...so don't be too harsh with her...but protect yourself and your son!!
Good luck to you my dear...I have been dealing with a less than pleasant MIL for over 40 years now so I know how trying this can be!!

You know, some people ARE mean. They are not "all the time" but they manage to find ways to be. I believe there may be some mental issues underlying their meanness to others: think antisocial personality or other mood-related disorders. She may just be one of these people who ARE among us. Think back in the past and see if she's always had this "quality"...you can't change a person, all you can do is learn how to deal with them. I too would keep myself distanced from her...some people must be loved from afar and be taken in doses.

Wow..it is one thing to attack an adult with words but a child? I would take your mom to luch and have a heart to heart with her. I would let her know that unless she treats your son correctly she will not be seeing him very often. If she doesnt understand why she does it then she may have a medical problem like the others have mentions and they are very possibly correct. She is acting like a 3 year old,even IF what she is saying is the truth she has to show some self control.

Best wishes, words hurt more then physical attacks.

Wow, when I read this, I felt like you were talking about my mom. She does the exact same things. Since we had a major argument about six years ago she has become more subtle in her comments, but it's almost worse now because I sit their questioning myself like "Is she really saying this to me? Or am I just imagining it?". It's so hurtful. I don't know why they do it. I too have wondered if it's jealousy on some subconscious level. Do you know if her mom (or possibly someone else) was like this to her? I know that my grandmother was mentally and verbally abusive to my mother, but it doesn't make it excusable now. I don't really have any advice for you considering I am still going thru this with my own mother. We just had a major argument a month ago because I had had enough of her insidious comments and haven't spoken since. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. And now that she is starting to make comments toward your son, that is where I think it definitely needs to stop. Even if that means you might not ever have the relationship you want with her, or possibly any at all (hopefully it won't come to that though). Glad that you have someone in your life that is supportive of you and your son. You deserve to be treated well.

It doesn't sound like you are at peace with it... you wouldn't be worked up like this if you were.

Deep Breath! My MIL is like this. Not to me, but to her own children. It is to the point that no one in the family wants to be around her because she is old and bitter. We see her about once or twice a year, at birthdays and Christmas (which she doesn't believe in- so she ruins it for everyone- saying things like- I don't know why everyone is making such a fuss, its just another day to me. Well, its not just another day to everyone else!).

Just don't call, don't visit. She will get the picture or she won't.

Good Luck

Wow. Sorry you've been hurt by all of this. I agree with you that you left and you handled it beautifully. She has no right to insult you or your son. Obviously there are underlying issues causing her to be this way. Unless she wants to get to the heart of the matter, you do need to set a boundary to avoid these insults.

G., You sound like a positive person. Your mom is a jerk. My heart goes out to you. It sounds like your doing everything right.

If your son didn't seem hurt by it, I wouldn't have drawn attention to it - I probably would have drawn her aside and told her I appreciated her candor, but she needs to keep comments like that to herself. Unless your son brought it up, I wouldn't have said anything to him.
People are people - most of the time, they think they're the center of the universe and any word vomit that comes out is going to splatter whoever is closest. Sounds like she feels she has to knock others down to feel "bigger". We run into these people every day of our lives and unfortunately, sometimes they're related to us!!! I feel for you. I've got a SIL like that and I just try to love the meanness out of her. I don't allow my kids to be alone with her so that I know exactly what's taken place and said and can guide the conversation in another direction when she starts on someone. I usually try to deflect critisism with humor, but there's been more than one instance when we've parted company on unpleasant terms. You don't want your son to be alienated from his grandma, but he'll need to see her for what she is himself, don't bad mouth her to him, only answer his quetions honestly and if you don't know what's wrong, don't make something up. You could make a game of hypothising about it when he gets to the age he understands that - I think 9 or 10 is when my daughter noticed something about my SIL. It's hard, but let the words that come out of your mouth and your thoughts be pleasant and pleasing. Don't sink to what you percieve as her level!!! Doesn't do anyone any good. You never know when she has possibly percieved a slight from you and is just trying to "get you back". Who knows.. but don't let her attitude fester inside you!!!

Sounds like she is miserable and maybe it makes her feel better to make others miserable. I agree you don't have to put up with it, mother or not. I would do the same thing as you just not have her in your life. Hopefully some day she will come to her senses and things will change! My mom was like that while we were growing up, but she changed a lot and is much nicer now. She is also much happier. Although I heard form my youngest sister that she was awful while going through menopause!

I know that this may be hard to do, but when you do have to see her, don't take any of her comments personally and change your reaction. My ex was like your mom. The best thing to do is not give her the reaction that she is expecting from you, realize that she is doing this to seek attention. In fact, ask her for more of her bad behavior, seriously. Tell her to get it out of her system. For you, this is called a defense mechanism or thinking outside the box. Place yourself in a position where you rise above her abusive remarks with the understanding that she has some mental issues. When she makes a comment to you, can you be quick witted, maybe humorous, and say something back such as "well, b**tch, it's nice to see you too?" You need to turn on your own *itch mode and throw it back at her. Give her a taste of her own medicine instead of being the victim.

I feel for you:) You're wise in realizing that she isn't going to change, so you need to change your approach to her behavior.

Warmest regards.

Just please know that there are other Mothers out there like your's. My mom does the same thing! When I say something like "wow, that was harsh" she just replies "well, someone should be honest with you!" It's like she doesn't care if it makes me upset or I feel less love for her. I really have no advice for you. I just understand. You're doing what you should be doing, you've tried to talk with her about it. Just stick with the phone calls.

How was her relationship with her Mother? My Mother was treated just like this from her Mother (my Grandmother). My Mom never was this hard on me or my siblings but she struggled with making us "perfect" because she was raised that way. Sounds like your Mom is really hurting inside and when you look deep and try to understand "why" it can be somewhat healing, although it still hurts. My husband and his father struggle with this, he is never good enough, in his father's eyes, no matter how successful he is. It's a defense mechanism, although like I said, it still hurts! I hope you find peace with this situation.

Has your mom always been like this? If so then chances are she's not jealous of your current happiness. Some people just enjoy getting a rise out of others. I have a relative (by marriage) who goes on sites like this and makes horrible, inflammatory comments just to see what happens. It's how she gets her jollies, and I'm absolutely horrified. It is true that we tend to parent the way we were parented, so the best thing you can possibly do is make a concerted effort to be a different kind of mom. It isn't as easy as it sounds, but I think you are already there because you are so aware of the problem. Best wishes!

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