Over Critical Mother, So Sad About It!

Speaking from personal experience. Move away from her. If you see her twice per year that's enough. Even if you only see her in person once per year it's enough.

I lived 125 from my mom's driveway to my driveway. Easy peasy day trip or weekend trip. I'd make it maybe once or twice per year that she knew about. If I went to her city and didn't want to see her I'd stay in a hotel and not call her.

Too bad she's a negative person, I am too but I guarantee I inherited it from my mom.

If she criticizes you every visit you can either not visit or end the visit. "Mom, you are being rude and mean. If you have nothing nice to say, this visit is over." She says she's being "honest" when she's being mean. So remove yourself from her home. Think of it as talking to an unreasonable toddler. "When you can speak nicely, I will spend time with you." She is going to yell and fret and stew, but you can't control her. You can only control yourself. Remember, too, that she is probably also mistreating your husband and children and at the very least is stealing away their happy wife and mother. THEY need you, too. Love THEM and love yourself more than someone who verbally and emotionally abuses you.

If she is your best friend, time to expand your horizons. A best friend shouldn't beat you up every time you visit.

There is a difference in loving your mom for being your mom and being her emotional punching bag. You can still love your mom from behind healthy boundaries.

I am sorry you have to go through this. I can totally relate. I am 42 and I've learned how to deal with my situation much better. For what it's worth, the two key things I learned and have helped are:
1 - you can't control her feelings or actions, only yours. Focus on YOU and doing what makes you happy and pleasing yourself. Don't look to her for approval (this is tough when we've done it our whole life)
2 - when she isn't nice, don't fight. Just leave, or say "we aren't having this discussion". If she keeps it up - leave, or skip a week or two of visits. Mine did respond to some distance and eventually me TELLING her she wasn't treating me well and it hurt me to put some distance there, but if I meant I it was best for me and my children/family I would - andI did

Life is better now - more even keel. Also, counseling helped greatly. All the best and hang in there :)

Ditto MandA M.

When I was 16 got a job and driver's license and .... A therapist. She gave me insight, support and tools to raise my self esteem. I developed emotional boundaries, physical boundaries and intellectual boundaries with my mother. Eventually the criticisms just rolled right off me. It can happen.

Now I have a happy marriage, happy kids, great friends and confidence to be who I am!

FYI... My mom is now in her 70's and in declining health. She is now dependent on me for her care. It stirs all the same dynamics from when I was younger. The tools I developed years ago with a therapist are the best investment I ever made for my health (and my mom's) because I am using them all now. Take care of this now... It just gets harder.

P.S. my mother never participated in therapy because "I was the problem". It worked out just fine!

Please take care of yourself! This relationship has cost you enough! Feel free to PM me. Good luck :-)

You cannot change her.
You can only change the way you react to her.

And depending on how toxic this is to you, you may have to severely alter the relationship.
My mother is exactly the same way. And after she informed me that "I don't make her happy as a person, and she really needs that in her life"...not at all that long ago...I decided to make some permanent changes.

Unfortunately the end result of my relationship is that my mother knows nothing about me. My interests, real opinions, activities...nothing. Because they will never be "right", so I chose to stop including her in them. She gets generic answers from me about everything she asks about, and I will never give her my real opinion on anything. I will never share my problems with her, and I will never share my joy with her.
That is the consequence she gets for years of criticism.
And I have to tell you...I'm SO MUCH HAPPIER having made this change. My life has become stress free in a way that I can't even begin to describe.
Sometimes, you just have to remove the problem people from your life. No matter who they are. Especially when they affecting your health.

So maybe show your mother this post, and tell her that this is what happens when she doesn't take a step back and respect you as a person.

Read "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Karyl McBride. This is an amazing book that will help you to understand your world much better.

You can improve your relationship with her by going to see her once a month instead of once a week. When she realizes that you are no longer going to put up with this, she will have to think twice about her "honesty". Her honesty is bullying.

If you can't figure out how to place boundaries between you two, please get counseling.

First -- I'm so sorry. You love her and you also want to LIKE her but you cannot. It is possible to have someone whom we love but cannot like, and whom we love but who is simply bad for us to be around.

Care for yourself first and foremost. You say you're fighting depression. Are you in therapy? If you are not in therapy please get into it -- now. If you feel you can't afford therapy, run, don't walk, to your city or county health department and find out about sliding scale fees for mental health help; also get to your local "women's center" (look online for these), which is a free resource center that should be able to help you find some low-cost therapy. You need professional help to deal with a lifetime of being put down and belittled. Don't try to fix this on your own! Is your husband supportive of your getting help? I hope so - you need support at home. And he and you both need to see that therapy makes you a better wife and mom because only if you are healthy can you be at your best for your family.

(If you ARE already in therapy -- are you being really open with the therapist about what you say here? The therapist should be giving you ways to deal with mom.)

Next: Say this about a thousand times: "I cannot change HER. I can only control my own reactions to her." This is easy to say but so hard to do, but try to embrace it. (Again, therapy should help with this.)

She is one of those people who, sadly, truly believe they are "honest, open, frank, all about truth-telling" and others are "hiding, denying, unable to handle the truth." I know folks like this.These kinds of personalities honestly think they are in the right and are upstanding, brave and honest, and actually helping others by criticizing them, and those who are hurt by them are weak and unwilling to improve themselves. In reality, they are making themselves feel better by belitting others.

Realize that this is a fundamental, unchangeable part of her personality (at least, unchangeable without tons of therapy) and is NOT about you at all. Again, therapy would help you cope with this fact and would give you some coping mechanisms to use whenever she criticizes.

Meanwhile, either stop seeing her, or if you feel you must see her, see her less. Limit the contact. She WILL complain and criticize about that too so be prepared for it and do not cave or let it get to you. If you just announce, "You're toxic so I'm seeing you once a month" she's going to go nuts on you, so don't bother; just tell her you can't see her this week but will see her next week. No explanations, no excuses, a big smile in your voice and don't answer questions: "I can't make it but I'll see you next Thursday at X."

I like what someone else posted about walking out when she criticizes. Tell her that you want to talk about your kid's latest cute saying or whatever but not about your appearance, marriage, choices. When she starts, pick up your keys and say, "I need to go now. See you later" and don't engage in anything else.

When you do see her, don't just "visit" and chat at her house - that's her turf - or your house, which gives her an opening to look around and find something she must criticize. It can help to do something together outside either home, so you can focus on the activity and can redirect her focus to the activity. She's going to slip and keep on criticizing but if you have something to look at or do, you can keep your focus on that. Keep it short, too. Maybe meet her at the mall bookstore, tell her you both can browse together, and tell her you need to leave in an hour and then stick to that time.

Again, all that is only IF you really need to see her. I would get into therapy quickly and see what a therapist says about whether or not to see her. You might need to get stronger first, or to break off contact for a while.

That leads to one last thing - you say "she is the only parent I have, my best friend." Please think hard about that statement. She is your parent but that does not mean she is a good parent or a kind person, and you do not owe her your attention; she has lost her right to that through her treatment of you.

And as for being your best friend -- no, she isn't a friend. No real friend treats a friend the way she treats you. Ask yourself: If she were not my mom but a woman friend, would I tolerate her constantly putting down me and every aspect of my life? I hope the answer is no. One aspect of healing would be to get out and find adult women friends of your own, who know you as you are right now, who have no baggage of having raised you, and who will not treat you this way.

I agree, she's not going to change.

My Mom came to visit me once. I had done a lot of work to prepare for her, including buying flowers for my window boxes so it would look nice for her. She said "Why did you pick yellow flowers? That's not what I would have picked." I said to her "Well, its a good thing you didn't buy them." This was the first time I ever spoke back to her. I'd love to say it was a big turn around for us, and that her criticism stopped, but it didn't. She continues to complain, and now just adds in that I am being mean to her. I see her once a year (we live far apart).

Do what YOU need to do to be right with yourself. Some therapy is probably a good idea. Limiting your exposure to her, or simply ignoring her when you are there may be another good idea. Sadly, people like that don't change.

Good luck.

Some great answers here. I agree with some very good points.

She is not your best friend. She was your parent. Now she is your equal.
You have to see her less. It's called, low contact. Expect blowback when you do it. It's called an extinction burst. A flurry of bad behavior designed to put your relationship back where it was. Don't give in, don't go there.

If you want, You can talk to her about her constant negativity and it's consequences before you do it.
Tell her, you are just being honest! That at this time in your life you need to be around positive people and limit contact with those with negative messages. If you feel like that would just amplify emotionality, don't do it. Just quietly see her less.

There are many people out here with troubled or nonexistent relationships with parents. You are not alone. My H's mom has a mental illness and is toxic. He loves her very much but must limit his contact. BPDfamily is a site with many lessons on boundaries and communication techniques that would help you.
The book, Boundaries, is a great one too.

Good luck.

I have one of those mothers (and I'm fearful of becoming one). My mom even tried to tell me how to cook this one dinner one time, even though she had never done it and hubby and I had ("you shouldn't do this, you should do this." )

I decided to stop listening. Now when she starts telling me how I am doing Y wrong, I just say "i do it this way, and that's OK." Amazingly, she isnt' so critical anymore --though she did tell me 6 times a few weeks ago that I needed a hair cut! And then when I finally got one, she said nothing! I mean really, I have three small kids, when am I suppose to go get my hair cut! I use to go to a real stylist , but now I'm going to a cheap hair cut place so I can go Sunday morning when hubby is home No clue how I will get my eye brows done, but...

You need to remain calm and just walk away. Try saying this to yourself "as I breath in, my body relaxes; as I breathe out, I smile."

if you walk away, she will stop doing it as much.

Read about "gas lighting" and daughters of narcissistic mothers. I don't know if that's what is going on with you and your mom but it's something to look into.

I would also seek counseling to sort through all this.

Nobody, including your mom, has the right to violate your boundaries and and jab at you. The real question is what do you do about it?

This is such a painful issue and I'm sorry that you're going through it. You have had many great answers here, and I hope you will read them carefully. I also hope and pray that you will get some help and find peace.

Good luck. <<hugs>>

Tell her to cut it out. You have to be strong, and set some boundaries. I could write a novel on this, because I lived it, but once I learned to say "no" to my mother, I discovered it was incredibly easy.

"Mom, please don't criticize me." If she keeps criticizing you: "Mom, since you can't stop criticizing me, I'm leaving. I will come back when you are nice."

It's VERY hard the first time you do it, but after that it's easy. You have to grow up, a lot, and put this kind of mother in her place.

You need to stop it now so you don't grow to hate her. Because if she keeps it up, I promise you, you will hate her, and you don't want that.

Good luck.

p.s. Reading below -- therapy is great, but therapy will probably not work for this kind of mother, and it will make a simple process long and drawn-out. You just need to set your boundaries. Once you do this firmly, she will stop. It literally takes a few sentences, not hours of therapy.

"You will not treat me like this, mom." Period. Not hours of therapy.

Here you go. http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

You are worthy of love and acceptance, no matter what your mother tells you.

I know exactly what you mean.
In some ways there is no pleasing my Mom either.
As an adult, in my head, I've gone over things that have happened in my own life and in my mothers life.
She really has no right to criticize.
Although she did the best she could with what she had under the circumstances - she still majorly screwed some things up.
Now it's not my place to criticize my mother but when she starts harping on me over something - I consider the source and the mistakes she's made and I've come to realize she is NOT the ultimate authority when it comes to dishing out advice and although she means well - some of the advice is just plain bad advice.

You need to - and I mean this in the kindest way possible - grow up a bit.
The sun does not rise and set on your Mom and her opinion.
Pleasing her should not be your ultimate goal of your existence at this point in your life.
If she 'must be honest' then you can calmly be honest right back at her.

If she mentions your weight, well - she's not exactly a super model herself.
How's your tummy tuck/face lift coming Mom? Got that scheduled yet?

If your jeans have a spot - well Mom it's the result of actually getting off my behind and DOING something rather than sitting on my throne and shooting off my mouth.

And if you really want to confuse her - agree with her every once in awhile.
My jeans have a spot? You are absolutely right! (pause) Well my 2 seconds of obsessing over it are done. How about you? Are you over it yet?
Then let any further comments slide off your back because you are refusing delivery of the load of nonsense she's trying to dump on you.

I know it's hard not to fight sometimes.
If she brings up something she's brought up before and you all know the litany just ask her 'Do you really want to go there? We've had this conversation already. Let's just save some time, consider it said, and move on to something else.'.
She can't wind you up if you don't play her game.

My Mom is like this. Then she started being hyper critical of my son when he was 5. I stood up to her and set boundaries. I told her that the negative criticism has got to stop and that it's not helpful. She did not speak to me for a couple months and sent me an email saying she is cutting me out of her life forever. Two months later she called me and we resumed our relationship. Ever since then she has been much better. This was 2.5 years ago. She refers to it as the time I told her she didn't love her grandson (which I never said, and I told her so) and she also refers to it as the time I stood up to her. She's nuts.

Would she be willing to do therapy with you? I think a lot of mothers lose their filter when their children are little - it's our job to tell them when things are wrong and guide them in the right direction. When they start to get independent, we want to back off but recognize they still need direction, so we might say things more passively, but we still say them. When to cut that off and respect that person as an individual and not a representational extension of ourselves is difficult to determine for some people. A good therapist may help her see that she is no longer responsible for making sure you are developing as you should and may even be able to get across to her that her comments, once intended to raise you into a good person, are now tearing you down and hurting you.

Visit her once weekly as you do. When she hurls the first insult immediately pack up and leave. Do this for each visit. She will get the hint.

My advice? Tell her what you just told us. Then, tell her that if she cannot have a more positive attitude in her interactions with you, then unfortunately, you'll have to stop visiting her. If she persists in her negativity, leave. This is going to be tough, because she's your mother, and all of us crave our mother's love and approval. However, if she's unable to give that to you, and refuses to change, you need to stop being around her. You've noticed it yourself that your mother's attitude toward you has hurt your self-esteem and is causing problems for you. If you had a friend like that, would you still be friends with them? I hope not! So, just because this woman is your mother does not give her the right to be abusive toward you. You need to refuse to be around her if she's going to act like this. I'm sorry you're going through this. Best of luck to you.

Stop fighting with your mom.
When she says, "Wow, you've put on weight."
Say, "Mom, I love you. I gotta go. I didn't come to be criticized." and then walk out the door. EVEN IF SHE SAYS SOMETHING ELSE TO YOU!! Keep walking!
Then when you come back the following week if she says, "Wow...your house is a mess!"
Say, "Mom, I love you. I gotta go. I didn't come here to be criticized" and then you leave.
Every time you come to visit say the same thing. Soon she will get the picture and either shut up or lose the relationship with her daughter.
You could also email her if she is getting to slow to pick up on what you are trying to tell her. 'Mom, I love you but the amount of criticizing that I am receiving from you is really getting me down. I am not looking for you to tell me all of the things that you think I am doing wrong, rather all of the things you think I am doing right! I want a healthy relationship with you and I do not think that having you constantly put me down is healthy for me. I need to let you know that if you are going to be judgemental of me, my family, or the decisions that I am making that I am going to have to distance myself from you no matter how painful that is. I love you and WANT you in my life."
Or something like that.
L.

M.,
I'm so sorry . Maybe you could have a heart to heart with her and tell her in a loving way, that she can be truthful ,but, in a non-critical way. That you are /were under the impression that she should love you for who you are and not what she thinks you should be. You're not in this world to meet her expectations. Yes, you understand that moms want the best for their children (at any age) but, sometimes they need to keep minor things to themselves. You're not perfect and never will be, you're just you. You could also ask what she finds right with you,your looks, kids,marraige, house ,and job. I don't think it's an issue with handling the truth, necessarily, it's hard to accept criticism from someone you love,especially when that's all they do. She sounds as though, she is a negative personality. She should be uplifting considering your state of depression, but, she needs to realize that she could be part of the reason you are depressed. You know that old saying about walking a mile in someone else's shoes, well, until she has, she needs to keep negativity to herself. If it were me, I would have the heart to heart and if it doesn't seem to matter to her, distance yourself a little bit. It doesn't mean you love her any less,but, you need to focus on yourself and surround yourself with people that are positive. Challange her to keep the negative out of your relationship and find at least 3 positive things she can say to you when you do see her each time you see her. Does it matter to her how you will remember her when she isn't around anymore? We all have our moments of finding fault with ones we love and usually work through them. I would never forgive myself for saying or doing something to hurt a loved one only to find it maybe the last thing I said to them. Keep telling yourself : 1) You are important, 2) your beautiful and 3) your intelligent you have alot to offer the world . Go talk to a counselor or a pastor and work through your depression ,you can talk to your doctor as well. This is only temporary and it doesn't define who you are. Pray about it, God can do great things if you'll just ask. Sounds like your Mom has her own issues to work thru. I wish you much success in whatever you do and hope this works out for both of you.
C. S.

There's a difference between being honest and being mean. She's mean. I'm sure she loves you but unfortunately she doesn't seem to like you. The only way to save yourself is to remove yourself from the situation the minute it starts.

When she starts being critical tell her that if it continues you'll have to leave. Then the next mean thing out of her mouth tell her you love her but you'll be leaving now. Then go. Mom may change her behavior or not but at least your self esteem won't be getting bashed on a weekly basis.

When I was little I lost my mom and went to live with her sister who had no children. She did have a "pet" niece who could do no wrong. I could do no right. My aunt was like your mom -- nothing was good enough. She even drove my uncle away with her ill will and meanness.

As the years went on, I went to school in NYC and asked the school psychologist for a consultation. She told me to live my life the way I wanted to and not to include the aunt. Later, my aunt wanted to know what happened and I never told her the complete answer as she did not deserve it.

I got married in my early 20s and left the area. About a month later she died and I had to fly home. But it was a relief that she was gone and that we all could get along without "the critic". She was left out of so many things that could have been memorable. Very few family members and friends did she have because of her attitude of "better than" anyone else.

So go do your own thing. Leave the area if you have to and set a new course that does not include the brow beating mother. Live your life as you want. Find new friends and get a new bestie that is not mom.

the other S.

PS You will be surprised out how great life is.

Visit less often and while that may not stop her criticism, it will reduce the frequency of you being the target. Parents for some reason feel they can say anything and do so without a filter of any kind. Whenever my mom starts in on something that I find to be a critical comment - I address it right then and there and let her know that, it's not her place to be concerned with X or Y and who asked her anyway. I have to shut her down. I don't see her as a best friend, because she's not and you may need to find a best friend who is not your mother because this relationship is one-sided. She is verbally abusive and very negative. Put some space between you two and if she asks why, then you can tell her, "Your attitude, criticism and negativity is something I choose not to be around!" You do have a choice on whether to engage or disengage in this relatioship. It's not healthy for you and your taking the brunt. You mom is not going to change, so YOU have to change YOUR reaction to her behavior. Some people simply don't realize how bitter and miserable they come off.

SHE definitely needs therapy. No one should be that critical of anyone. If she doesn't want to go to therapy, I would simply tell her that what she is doing is hurtful. If she feels you are over sensitive, fine. That's her opinion, but she doesn't have to share it with you. Let her know, if she is going to be negative when you are with her, the second she starts, you are leaving. Period.
I know shes your mom, but this is unhealthy. People can only treat us the way we allow them too. Good luck, you don't deserve this!

She is my mother-in-law to a T.

My advice, get hurt, get mad, get over it. Because chances are, she will not change. She is one of those people who thinks that truth is the greatest virtue when in fact kindness is. Let this be her crux and not yours. You can only heal and love yourself truly when you realize that other peoples shortcomings are just that, their shortcomings. They are not a reflection of your worth.

Just tell her if she has nothing nice to say, do not say anything!

So sorry you are having this problem with your Mom. Although many Moms I think are like this to a greater or lesser extent this does seem completely over the top. You have to tell her that you would like to have a better relationship with her but when she criticizes you about (list them to her), then it just makes you feel sad and depressed. Tell her you are trying real hard to be the best you, but it won't happen if she says the things she does. Tell her that you want to make your relationship better too. So I was wondering if you could do something special with just her once in awhile. Maybe she says mean stuff because she never gets your attention anymore. Something like getting a manicure together or reading the same book and then talking about that book together later. Or sharing a hobby like ceramics or jewelry making. My mom isn't around anymore. She had "high standards" for me but we still had fun sometimes too. So please try to work it out with her. I wish you well.