What Would You Do If Your Friend Didn't Tie You into Her Plans?

I would think "Mission accomplished!" and pat myself on the back for helping my friend make new friends.

Well done - she's lucky to have a friend like you.

I am starting to NEVER mix friends any more ever again. I get it that the moms here say that you do not own her--but the rudeness is quite glaring from her and with others who do this. They/She is ONLY concerned about self and expanding their social networks.

SHW --I see that you are over it--Really, that soon?

You had a lot of friends and, I presume, a lot of confidence. You felt badly for her and invited her in to give her a kick start. That boosted her confidence and she needs to know that she can do this on her own with your encouragement. Wasn't your purpose to convince her she could do this on her own and she didn't need you every step of the way? If you act all hurt, she's going to feel she's responsible for YOUR social life and that she owes you something. Why would that happen? After all, you're the one with all the friends!

Yes, play dates mean that moms have to get up and follow their kids around -- that's the way it goes. You should be thrilled for her that she has made these connections, not feeling that she owes you something or trying to show her that you can't manage without her help! Try not to give her the impression that you are insecure about your own ability to make friends. And don't act like the only way she's allowed to be in this social circle is if she uses you as her admission ticket. That's not going to help either of you. There really ought to be enough friends to go around!

But... you wanted her to make friends. You didn't tell her ahead of time that the caveat to her making friends and plans with those friends meant that she had to include you too. Isn't she allowed to be friends with the same friends you have and have the friendships be mutually exclusive?

Try to be happy for her. You did a really great thing for her. You did. It takes an amazing friend to do what you did... share your other friends and share her too. One big happy.

You introduced her to people so she would have people to hang with - she is making friends and you are upset?

I do not understand it seems you have accomplished your goals, now you need to make your own plans.

I'm going to give you the same advice I wrote to another poster who asked the same type question. I have to admit that I would never have even considered that this would be an issue for either me being hurt if people I introduced to each other did stuff without me, or me getting together with new friends who I met at someone else's get-together hurting anyone's feelings.

Loyalty to a friend doesn't include considering my friend "property". That's kind of what "the little green monster" does, Mom, make you feel like someone "belongs" to you. We just don't have dibbs on people like that.

The best thing you can is be happy that your friends are your friends and that they have other friends too. Just like you should go be friends with other people.

I hope that you can change your way of thinking. It WILL happen over and over and it's so much better if your feelings aren't hurt because of it...

What she did is bad etiquette. Period.

AT: I think you have gotten some great advice. May I suggest one thing, slightly off-topic? Schedule some of the moms-group get-togethers at a park, so that the walkers can walk. Their kids will be aging into it soon enough.

A.T.,

I literally just asked this exact same question a couple days ago! If you check my page, my post is called "Friends Excluding Me, Need Your Opinion."

I haven't read any of your responses, but they are probably the same as I got. Several people agreed w/ me that they would also be hurt, and many accused me of being immature and told me to "grow up!" They couldn't be more wrong. Just because we got slighted by our friends does NOT mean we are immature! It means we are human beings with real feelings. I was happy to "merge" my friends, but when I found out they made plans without me, I was shocked. I was the reason they met, and yet they didn't even think twice about inviting me to join. That was hurtful.

Some people said, "Do they have to include you on every single plan they ever make from here on out?" The answer is no; however, it was their very first time getting together, and I did expect to be included on the first few times in the beginning. Once the 3 of us met up a few times and bonded, then if the 2 of them got together w/o inviting me wouldn't have stung as much.

It was hurtful b/c I would never do that to someone who merged me into their group of friends. I always felt the more the merrier, but I learned my lesson. I will NEVER merge my friends again. I suggest you don't do it again, either. We tried, but from now on, our friends will have to make their own friends without us, since they chose not to include us in plans with our own friends! Sorry you are hurting. Time will make it better - it still hurts me, but I have moved on, because you live and you learn! Best wishes.

ambulatory toddlers surely do change things for you to some degree, but there should be some sort of balance between shadowing her and being able to socialize with the other moms.
i'm sure the others simply assumed that you were there, or that someone else would mention it to you. if you think about it, the point of having moms and play groups is so that these plans can be hatched and discussed WITHOUT having to hunt everyone down and inform them separately. there's an assumption that since you are there, you are paying attention. your new friend shouldn't necessarily have to make the plans with the group, and then go find you and invite you specifically.
just relax and don't assume that you're being left out. i gather you're new to mothering a wiggly little? you'll soon find the balance of keeping a good eye on your toddler and still being part of the moms' group. but if you get defensive and hurt over the bits of conversations you miss, you'll alienate all of your friends.
khairete
S.

Well, you say yourself that you don't have time to sit and chat like you used to... If you had been sitting there, you likely would have been part of the conversation and automatically invited. Yes, you should have spoke up immediately.

The reality is that everybody is not going to be involved in every gathering. It is human nature. I might get my feelings a bit bruised, but I doubt it was an intentional exclusion of you. Ask you friend about the outing. She will likely invite you at that point.

You helped a friend, you don't own her.

Did you actually read what you wrote here. You 'said' you wanted her to meet other moms so you invited her. Now you say you are upset because she did just that.

Considering what you wrote here you are going to sound like a stalker if you bring it up...."She lives on a major road so I'd see her car at home regularly when I'd attend play dates."

Also just because you would invite someone to playdates don't go projecting your reason for not inviting them on her. That is more than likely not her reason because she is not you.

She brought her in to help her make friends. She did make friends.

Great!!

now, let it go. She (or they) are not required to be all inclusive.

I'd have to know her. Either she's super nice and excited to make friends and not thinking or she is ungrateful to you for your help and lacks class. I'd try to decide which category she falls into and go from there...

She is trying to make friends.I have some friends who make plans without me and i get hurt.But at the end of the day i realized they don't always have to hang out with me.You could go ahead and talk to her but if i were you,you should understand that.

Congratulations, you have successfully launched a mom into friendships. You did good for her and kids.
Yep, you should have spoken up but you were shocked and didn't.
You can call and ask if you can come.
You can ask if next time, could you be include in those plans.
You have to make the effort to be included. It's worth the pride you have to shell over for good friendships. It will be ok.

I think exactly as Suz T and Diane B said...just wanted to add that she may be wanting to do something or go somewhere that a newly mobile little daughter may not love, meaning hard for you. I have certain friends that I don't mind having simple, shallow talks with while playing with my children. I have 1 friend in particular who I don't get to see often but have been friends with her for 27 years, and when we talk we're trying to reconnect and get to know each other, and we prefer to go to nicer restaurants where we feel comfortable and welcome to linger for 2 hour lunches followed by long walks. My older son is ok with this occasionally (he has toys, books, activities he can do), but I wait for a time when my husband can watch the kids so I can go without making my 3 year old (and myself) miserable. If she is wanting to get to know someone better, and her children are not at the same stage as yours, then that may be what was happening. Just wanting to get to know someone better.

The fact that she was talking about it in front of you could mean that she was NOT hiding it from you or excluding you and sneaking around with your friends, or that she simply thought that you ARE present and she was just talking to whoever was there and you wandered away...it's not that you weren't invited, but you just didn't acknowledge it or express interest/curiousity about it at the time she was talking. I admit I'd get my feelings "hurt" if they were making plans in hushed tones and stopped talking immediately when I walked near. THAT would be different. But her speaking in normal tones while you are there? That's encouraging and speaks to me that she's NOT purposely excluding you.

The momof3 that made "friend sharing" sound like a 1960's wife swap where people are "cheating" is being silly. Why in the world would I want to keep my friends separate? You know, I had friends like that when I was in 6th and 7th grade, and I couldn't understand it---why is Stacey my friend when Natalie is not around, and not my friend is Natalie is over? I still don't get it. Nothing more fun to me than to have my friends over all at once. Not all of them, not all of them mesh or get along....but it's fun to have a ladies night, a lunch, a birthday party, whatever where I have 5 or 6 friends vs having to go to 5 or 6 events to see them each individually or something. Just yesterday we were taking one friend's child to a movie with ours...and then I was talking to another friend and said "Oh hey....husband is taking the boys to see Superman, would your son like to come along?" All the children got along and had a good time, so today after Father's Day morning, church, and a siesta, both of those families will join us at 6 Flags. Why keep friends to myself, when I could include friends together and have more fun? Momof3 G sounded very.......middle school to me. And silly. If this is your first toddler, just realize you'll be in for some changes. Your friendships and outings will change out of necessity....not forever, just a season....not because friends have abandoned you but because you will be available (mentally, emotionally, physically, etc) for some things but not others. Enjoy the time and don't panic about not being invited somewhere....your child will be a toddler for just a little while and there's plenty to enjoy in this time, and then she will be older and there will be different things to enjoy (with her and socially) in the next phases. That's just friendship in mommyhood.

I think this is a question of etiquette, not really of being included or excluded. Etiquette demands that we do not hurt the feelings of others by being obviously exclusive. Your feelings were hurt because of a breech of etiquette.

In all the groups that I have been a part of we've had the rule that you do not make exclusive plans during any of the meetups. Either you include everyone, or you make plans privately on your own time. This is to prevent anyone from feeling excluded.

I'm sure your friend did not mean to excluded you. Probably she got excited or distracted or didn't think you were interested. When you returned, you could have said "I'm sorry I had to go chase my child, what did I miss?"

Your friend had a breech of etiquette--and I'm sure it would have been rude if it were anyone who was doing this, not just your friend. You just don't make plans in front of someone and not include them! Period!

I'm sure you're happy your friend has made new friends! Hopefully you won't hold this against her!

Well, I feel that you have the right to your own feelings and should talk 2 your friend about it if you choose 2. On a positive note, at least she is feeling confident enough 2 initiate plans with other moms, which is what you wanted her 2 do. Just look at this as that you were able to make her become more social. Good Luck and make sure 2 keep us posted on the outcome. : )