Acquaintance Says She Does Not Mix

I think she just means that, for whatever reason, she's uncomfortable mixing friends. Some people feel that way. They think the other people might not have anything in common, or might not like each other, and they don't want to be in the middle trying to make everyone comfortable. In other words, it's not relaxing for them.

I know that incident would feel awkward and it would be hard not to feel a little stung, but let it go. It doesn't mean she won't do something with you at a later date -- just expect that it won't include other friends.

I think we all have different group friends. I have fire dept. friends, town friends, lifelong friends. I know who will mix well and who will not. She was being honest and probably realized it would not work. Better that way than getting there are feeling soooooo out of place.

Maybe she means she doesn't mix "wives of hubby's co-workers" with her regular personal friends. Maybe she meant she doesn't go on an outing with two friends that don't know each other (because someone always feels like the odd many out). She probably should have worded it differently but I see nothing wrong with the intent.

C - sorry. I get what she is saying.

There are friends of mine that do not mix. Whether it be because of politics or because of lifestyle choices. There are also friends I have that don't get along well with other people. I am aware of it and keep them separated.

You shouldn't feel embarrassed. She might be sparring you. What if she has friends with REALLY strong personalities? You know people who can consume conversations, rooms, etc.? You seem to be a very mild-mannered W. and if someone has a strong personality - they may very well "envelope" (and that's in-vell-op, not envelope as something you mail).

If you are not meeting people - try different things - what are your hobbies? Do you like to read? Pottery? Surfing? you do live in Southern California!!! :) Walking, etc. Find a group that has regular meetings - or try starting one up yourself. Use meetup.com and see if you can get some "hits" and get it going so that you will make some REAL friends!

Good luck!

Hmm....I don't really "mix" my friends either. Weird, huh?
I would NEVER say that though! I would just say, "oh, I have plans with Shirley, we never get to see each other! How would you like to meet up next week?" But that's just me.
I find that my friends are very very different. I only have a few, but some a snarky,some are bitchy, and some are avid church going good girls. lol.

She was probably caught off guard by your boldness. I'm sure that's why she hesitated. I think it's a little presumptuous to invite yourself along on someone else's plans, personally. You should have just said "oh great maybe I'll see you there." I think it's just good etiquette, that's all.
Maybe you're having a hard time connecting, or meeting people, because you're trying too hard. I think taking a class or joining some kind of group is the best way to do it, because you meet people with something you already have a common interest in. Then it happens more naturally.

I get where she's coming from. Although I don't go out of my way to keep my friends separate, I don't really try to mix them (or the different groups of them). Sometimes, I just know that it won't go well.

I did try this week to blend two of my closest friends that live in the neighborhood, and it didn't go very well even though they are aquaintances with each other. It changed the whole dynamic of the group, no one seemed comfortable, and at the end, someone's feelings were hurt - although no meanness was intended. So, I probably won't try to blend those two again.

Another example: My best friend and I are very close. I don't have to have any reservations around her and vice versa. I can say the first thing that pops into my head, doesn't matter if it's PC, sounds mean, is sarcastic, etc. She just gets me, I get her, and our senses of humor are very similar. I don't get to see her very often, so when I do I really just like to devote my attention to her and catch up. If someone else was there, they wouldn't get a majority of our jokes/comments and they could very well be offended by something I end up saying because I don't need to have any kind of filter with her. So I would be hesitant to mix my other friends with her.

I really don't think she meant anything by it. It doesn't mean she likes you any less, that you "rank" lower, or that she doesn't enjoy spending time with you. She just had a prior plan with a friend. She may already know that her two friends won't mix well, or she may have already had bad experiences with mixing friends from different avenues and doesn't want to repeat it at the risk of losing a friend. Although I understand how it can sting to feel left out of her plans, try not to take it too personally, because she really didn't mean anything negative by it.

You say she did not say it meanly, so she may have had bad reactions from this in the past. Maybe the friends did not get along and she felt caught in the middle. She was honest, so you cannot get mad. She probably felt the need to be true to herself but did not want to chance running into you at the event if she had not included you--or had given you a lame excuse to not meet you there. I am searching my brain for a way for her to be true to herself but to not have hurt your feelings and I cannot come up with one. Sorry.

I don't blend, tried it once and someones feelings were hurt because they were added last minute to something my other friend and i o annually, the self invited friend didn't get certain things we were saying due to lack of knowledge of history for this event, she felt we were exclusionary. Received the ugly phone call an hour after she got home blaming me for her feeling alone and out of the loop. I told her that when she asked to tag along that I'd prefer go with her at a different time but insisted it would be fine, so i lost a person who i may or not have become good friends with

I like to keep my friends separate too. I find that I like to do different things with different people. I like to go on road trips with one friend but would never go on one with a particular other friend. I have so many different interests and I don't want to have to guide conversations or find things two different people might have in common so they will have something to talk about.

When I think about it, I, too, don't usually "mix" my friends. I have friends with different interests. For example, one of my friends is a retired teacher. She's single, travels a lot, and she and I have many things in common. We have many years of history together. I have another friend, who is older, came from a different background and who has very little in common with the first friend. She and I have also been friends for a long time but our history is different. I have had both friends together with me a couple of times when we were doing something that both friends enjoyed. They know each other but do not socialize without me. They are just very different people. I haven't consciously kept them apart. I just enjoy each one more when they are separate.

One of my friends is not in good health and being with her requires extra attention from me. It's awkward to include others when I'm with her unless the others are already friends with her because my focus is on her and seeing that she's safe.

One suggestion is that she and this friend have been friends for years and have developed a sort of rapport that would make you feel excluded. She may have been trying to protect you.

What I'm suggesting is that not mixing her friends likely has nothing to do with you. She didn't say it in the best way. She probably felt awkward saying it and didn't know any other way to put it. I'd try again to get together with her.

As to your experience with meetup. Others don't seem to follow thru after wards. Do you? You can be the one to initiate getting together afterwards. Do you exchange phone numbers? Start by asking for some phone numbers and give them a call.

I would think it meant mixing old and new friends at the same time. I would not be offended.

Please try to put the best interpretation on this -- not the worst. She may not have phrased it very gracefully, but she was on the spot; you had just asked her point-blank if you could come along on a previously arranged outing with another person you don't know, and she was on the spot to provide you an answer -- that second. Can you see how she might have put it less than ideally?

Also, consider this: There are ton of reasons she could have done this and none are about you or whether she likes you.

This other friend of hers might be someone who has issues or is having a tough time, and who needs to talk with her; having a new person along might have prevented that completely. Or she herself might get very little time with this person and could rightly want her one-on-one time with this friend to be just that--one-on-one; maybe she hasn't seen this friend in ages and this is the first time they've managed to find time together. Or she might know, from experience, that this friend has characteristics that seem off-putting or odd to those who don't know her well already, and she didn't want to make you or her friend uncomfortable with an awkward meeting. She may have sensed that you wanted, as you put it, "girl time" when her time with this other friend is more about discussing the serious life stuff that old friends might need to discuss. She also might have had problems in the past when she tried to be social with her husbands' co-workers' wives -- that situation can be fine or can be fraught with problems....There may be a lot of reasons why she might not "mix friends" and many of them could be very valid and good ones.

By effectively asking her to invite you along on an already arranged outing....well, you put her iin a bind at that moment. I would admit that to myself and at another time very soon, ask her to go do something; she may be a terrific friend to you in the long run, but you will never know if you never try to go out with her again.

I guess the point is: I'd learn a lesson here about inviting myself along, and I'd give her another shot. You don't need to say anything to her or keep apologizing - you've done that and it's over. Get to know her one on one.

If you're still seeking friends, I'd try to find them in places where you have interests in common with other women. Volunteering, book groups at the library, a church or other place of worship if your family is religious, etc. are all ways to find people with interests that you share. Moms from daycare and wives of your husband's co-workers may or may not have anything in common with you.

I have different groups of friends that don't mix but I don't specifically not mix them. Know what I mean?

If you had ask me to tag along at the fair I would have said sure though. I do think the more the merrier. Sorry you feel snubbed. I think it was rude of your friend to say she doesn't mix.

ohhh sting. I have friend I do not mix too. I have my friends with husband we do couple things with. I have friends that I only do one on one things with. I also have my friends that I like to do just girl things with.

I get why you asked her and you do not like to do things alone. It takes time to make a friendship with someone you like. I hope you find some!

And just so you know, I would have said yes if you ask to join. I don't think she meant to be mean, but it was.

I never thought much about it, before, but when I plan girl's nights out or afternoons out with friends I don't mix groups of friends. I never have unless I was having a party for a special occasion or a Mary Kay thing or something like that.

The reason is because I do have some friends that don't get along and/or dislike each other intensely. They would behave when around each other to be polite, but it would be really tense and awkward rather than fun and at ease.

My best friend, however, mixes her own friends very easily unless she knows there's a major personality clash. She really dislikes confrontation and stress. That's also why when I know she can't stand another of my friends I won't subject her having to hang around them unless it's a big party where she can "escape" and it's easy to not even see the other person.

She was being honest, which stung. In the end, though, it probably saved you a really awkward afternoon of pretending to care about what they were talking about. For all you know, she was going with her best friend of 30 years and they finish each other's sentences. Think of it like being the "third wheel" on a date. Not fun.

I only mix friends when it's a "mixable" event... Happy Hour, backyard BBQ, etc but never when it's something small or just a "twosome" kind of thing.

Give her a call in a week or so and see if she wants to meet up for a cup of coffee. If she has plans again, then move on. My guess is that she was being honest with you, but if she's interested in getting to know you better she'll meet you for that coffee!

I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt. She may just feel that it's a lot of pressure for her when she goes somewhere with two of her friends who don't know each other. Maybe she had a bad experience with that in the past, like the two friends didn't get along. Or maybe she hasn't seen this particular friend in some time and just wants some time alone with her - or the other friend has something personal to discuss and it wouldn't be appropriate for a stranger to come along. You said that you don't know her well - it may feel odd to her to bring along someone she's not really friends with if she is going with a close friend.

I have never heard of keeping friends separate. If your my friend, then I assume you will meet my other friends, otherwise all you are is an acquaintance. Acquaintances don't often meet cause we don't do very much together, not because I keep them apart.

Sp now you know where that stands, keep trying till you find that one friend who will enjoy sharing with you.

I have categories of friends from different parts of my life, and rarely do I mix them.

You asked if she minded if you joined them, and she did. I'm sorry that you didn't get the answer you wanted, but I doubt it was personal and it probably doesn't mean that she doesn't like you.

I think you caught her by surprise by trying to invite yourself to her plans, which means she didn't have time to come up with a reply that was worded less bluntly, like "I'm sorry, my friend and I want to spend some time catching up on personal things."

The important detail is - did you go to the fair anyway? You should have, because you may have met more people if you were open and approachable.

I do think it's ...... not nice. BUT, maybe she isn't good with words. If she had said, "I'd love to another time, but I need a little alone time with this friend.... or..... this friend invited me... I hope you understand." BUT she didn't say any of that and so I would feel a little hurt too! I'd only see this as one strike and give her the benefit of the doubt.

In the meantime......

Find other ways to meet people. Join a political group. Take a class. Church Group. Community Service group. Go somewhere you are guaranteed to have similar interests with other women. You could even be so bold as to have a Tea at your house of all the Mom's in your child's school/daycare.

Rest assured when your child goes to regular school you will have many more opportunities to meet other mom's through volunteer work. In the meantime just keep plugging away.

I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt.

Some people have hard and fast rules about mixing friends... I really take it on a person/situation basis. For example, a few weeks ago, I was invited to go to a clothing exchange party a dear friend and her girlfriend were hosting. Another friend of mine (we'll call her Bea) was invited through me as well. Bea had some heavy family stuff going on and needed to talk, just the two of us, so we politely declined the other invitation (I was honest without sharing anything indelicate).

Perhaps this woman just didn't know you well enough to want to gamble that you'd fit in with her other girlfriend. I think other posters have offered the other reasons I would suggest. I've had situations where friends I thought would get along didn't, some things which just tanked. Maybe your acquaintance has as well.

Now, were I in her shoes and if I did want to get to know you better, I might try to reach out for a one-on-one coffee date. I understand how difficult it can be to connect with others. There are a couple of women I volunteer with who I enjoy and I'd love to expand my friendships...alas, I'm also aware that it isn't likely to happen, so I don't take it personally. We're all busy and finding a space in our lives for new friendships is sometimes more effort than most are willing to put forth. I sure hope you find some people with common interests and that a few are in a place to expand their 'realm of friends' so to speak.

I think she just said something out loud that most people wouldn't say.

I'm a hermit by nature and you sound very social. I prefer either a big group thing-like a large homeschool meeting where I know there will be tons of moms and kids and no pressure, or sort of small one on one scenarios with people I'm comfortable with.

I know what you mean, it's hard to make friendships "stick" after brief meet-ups, but to me that's OK since I'm socially exhausted at the end of a D. running around even if I intentionally meet up with no one. Also, I'm more comfortable meeting more people if I'm solo, but kids are a whole different obstacle. Sometimes I'm not comfortable corralling my kids in the presence of new people, or I may not want to deal with their kids and my kids with their kids....

There have been times when a friend I'm very familiar with and I are doing something and I'm not in the mood to add someone new (I'm trying to improve though) so I don't invite others. I probably wouldn't "turn down" the person inviting themselves but it would sort of stress me out. I might even lie and say, "oh, sorry my friend is going through something and asked me to listen" or SOMETHING if I wasn't up for last minute addition. Sounds terrible, and again, I'm trying to improve. I'm also the type who if I hear extra people have been added onto something with old friends, I might find an excuse to gracefully bow out just because it will be a little too social for me and I'm always looking for excuses to clear up my schedule a bit so I can ...be less social :) I NEVER invite myself to other people's stuff unless I'm so close to the person that I know they'll feel comfortable saying no if it's inconvenient in any way. Some of my friends are very social and "the more the merrier" at all times, and this is a personality I sort of envy. I get stressed for an entire week in advance of someone coming over...its a personality difference. You need to meet people more like you, hang in there.

I would not dwell on her reasoning too much. She felt backed into a corner for whatever reason and spoke a bit wrongly. Whatever you do, stay gracious and cheerful no matter what and down the line there can be other events. She may even make a point to reach out since she "snubbed you" she may feel bad. Just be nice to her as always, but don't force anything.

Good luck and don't feel bad!

I sometimes keep some people apart if they would offend each other. Or sometimes I just want to hang out with x person without anybody else (groups can be draining or I haven't seen that person enough lately). Even so, to say she doesn't mix her friends seems awfully compartmentalized. So if she sees you out and she's with someone else, will she even say hi?

The thing about making friends as an adult, especially if you are at all introverted or shy, is that it can take a lot of effort. Just keep trying.

She could have just said she made other plans and how about you and she do something next week?

For those that absolutely don't mix friend groups, while I kind of "get it" on one level, I'm glad that it usually doesn't happen to me because otherwise I'd never have met some really cool people. Including my husband.

Maybe she felt put on the spot and blurted that out, more out of surprise?
I say this because I find it rude when anyone other than a very good friend invites themselves along to something, especially when I'm already going with someone else. After all, even if she was comfortable with you joining them, she might not be sure if the other friend would be comfortable with her inviting someone else along, someone she doesn't even know.
Sorry, I know you didn't mean to be rude, and you are probably a more outgoing, assertive person than I am, but I just don't ever think it's a good idea to ask if you can tag along, because if the person doesn't want you to there's really no nice way for them to say it, is there?
Anyway, are you able to volunteer or work on committees at your kids' school at all? I have made a lot of good friends over the years that way. Some of us have even formed walking groups and a book club. If your kids are younger sign up for some mommy and me classes, that's another great way to meet fellow moms.

Maybe it is best, although it was rather a strong statement. Perhaps the friend is high maintenance, which some friends are. Had you joined them and wanted to branch off on your own, it may have become awkward.

Sometimes my own friends make me wonder, but I can't be responsible for them or their ways.

Just let it go and move on.

I am sorry! It sounds like she isn't ready to move into a friendship with you. I would let it go and go join a church, women's group, etc to find some good girl friends to hang out with. It sucks when you get rejected, but try not to take it personal. GL

Wow, I am so sorry! She handled it a little badly I think. I sometimes just want to hang out with a friend or sometimes have plans to be with one special friend etc. What I think she should have done is just say, 'oh sorry, I have plans that D., how about coffee next week?' Well that is my opinion anyway. I think a rule about not ever mixing friends is really weird, that would have thrown me off for sure. I think in this case if you just said ok when she declined then just let her have the chance to offer an invite to you that would have been better. She may have felt put on the spot after she declined and felt she needed a reason when she just wanted to just hang out with her other friend. Not that you were trying to put her on the spot or anything! Just invite her to get a coffee or whatever and chalk it up to miscommunication! Good luck!

As someone who does not mix my different circles of friends, I commend your friend for being honest. I'm sorry your feelings are hurt but hopefully you know she cares about you because she told you the truth. I can't speak for her but I don't mix different friends unless I know FOR SURE they have a common ground and will get along. I cherish my one-on-one friendships with all my friends and have introduced people before but they haven't got along well and it was really awkward. Or someone ends up feeling left out when there are 3 people.
Don't give up on this friend. Put her in the "fun, acquaintance" lane and hang out when you want to. You will meet more people and have more options soon. XOXO