What Would You Do? - Gainesville,FL

Both my girls went through stages like that. They are 23 and 14 and don't sleep with me anymore. But I kind of miss it. Sometimes I think kids just need to be close. I'll bet it's a phase, so don't sweat it.

(She also could be sleep walking some, and truly not remember being there, so shoot the poor girl a break. I used to sleep walk when I was a kid and I would wake up and have no idea how I got where I was.)

Oh Live Bold that's a bit harsh! Even parents need their space sometimes, and don't have to be slaves to their children's wishes. I think it is totally OK for an 8 year old to sleep in her own bed.

I agree with the other responders who suggest giving her plenty of hugs and attention etc, but sleeping in her own bed most of the time is fine!

She may not be "lying" at all. She may think she really did stay in her bed all night -- after all, that's where she woke up. She is eight, not eighteen.

This is likely a phase; you say it's been going on for about three weeks consistently; that is really nothing overall in a kid's years of development.

Just because she cannot articulate whatever fears or anxieties or just plain need for closeness is sending her into your bed -- she still may be feeling those things, even if she can't articulate them to you as you'd like. You say you've tried asking her about bad dreams, etc., but do you ask in ways that make her realize you are probing so you can "solve" things and get the desired result: Evicting her from the bed? I bet she is aware, on some level, that your attempts to talk are attempts to get her into her own bed in the end. So she doesn't respond as you would like, with easy-to-solve problems you can identify and eliminate, and you get more frustrated with her. It's understandable, especially if you are losing sleep, but you might be expecting more of her than she is able to do at her age.

Her brain is still developing so fast. You have no way to know what's going on inside her head or with her emotions when she wakes up in the night and needs you. Sure, it may be as simple as she's afraid of the dark -- and she's afraid to tell you so because it will make her seem babyish to you. Or it may be as complex as a new fear of being alone, or of waking up to find you're gone forever. Nonsense? You know that, and if you asked her, she would say, "Oh, of course I know you'll be there." But what her logical mind might "know" and what she might feel at 1 a.m. are two very different things at this age.

Please don't assume that she is intentionally lying to you and intentionally manipulating you to stay in your bed. She needs you. The reasons why aren't clear to you and certainly may not be clear to her either. But why does it bother you so very much when it's gone on for this short time only? Maybe take a look at whether your expectations of her, at age eight, are expectations you'd have of a somewhat older child. I'm not saying baby her; but do cut her some slack if you can.

If you just can't live with her sleeping in your bed right now, then do what you'd do with a wandering toddler: With minimal talk but gently and kindly, walk her back to her bed if she comes into your room (you'll lose sleep getting out of bed to do it), with lots of reassurances that you're around. You might even have to stay in her room a few times until she falls asleep, if she comes to you in the night and you have to walk her back to her room. But locking the door on her every night as someone iin a post suggested? To me that sends the message to a child, "You're on your own, in the dark, all night; don't depend on me to be available." Not a message that builds a child's confidence in the parent.

She needs you! For some reason, she is feeling insecure at night and needs to feel close to you. It helps her to feel safe and secure. Try and give her lots of positive attention throughout the day. Give her extra special attention at night.

See if you can find out what's causing her stress right now. Is school harder? Does she see you less? If you can help her deal with whatever is bothering her, you might be able to help her feel better at night.

My youngest will be 3 soon (I realize that's a lot younger than 8, but please bare with me). Last fall I began working full-time, so he started day care. I think he came to our bed every night for the first 3 months, and at least 4 times a week for a month or so after that. He almost never comes to our bed now, but he needed us then. He was dealing with a lot of changes, and he just needed Mommy and Daddy to help him feel safe and secure.

There isn't anything inherently "wrong" with her sleeping in your bed. If it disrupts your sleep or your husband's sleep or causes another problem in some way, then obviously you want to try to help her get into the habit of staying in her own bed. But please do keep in mind that it isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Keep working on ways to help her feel better in general. If she feels more secure about herself and her life in general, she will feel more safe and secure in her own bed at night.

She really could have been sleepwalking and might have no memory of coming to your bed. And whatever you do, please do not lock any doors. That's a really mean way of saying, "Mommy and Daddy love you all day long, but at night, you're on your own, kid!"

Telling an 8yo child "It stops now" is so laughable. She's not going to consider your wishes in the middle of the night, her need for comfort far outweighs (in her mind) your need for a good night's sleep. She hasn't developed true empathy yet, but this is a perfect opportunity to teach it. And that's what this is, a teachable moment, not a punishable behavior.
I also had issues with our dd coming into bed with us (and when we kicked her out, she would go in with her brothers) in the middle of the night. We did two things:
1. Started a sticker chart, she got one sticker for each night she stayed in her own bed. If she didn't follow through, she had to start all over again. Once she had 30 stickers, she got a reward. 30 nights creates a habit, and since enacting this last year, she has only slept with us a couple of times, when she was sick or truly scared b/c of a nightmare.
2. We addressed her wish to sleep with someone else realistically and helped her find other ways to self-soothe when she woke up at night. She was allowed to have all the stuffed animals she wanted and still listens to the radio all night. In other words, we set her up to succeed.

Remember that she is still young, not a baby, but not an independent teen either. Making this into a battle, setting her up to fail by enacting punishment for this behavior (which is developmentally normal, by the way), is only going to make it harder for her to learn self soothing.

In any case, I slept with my mother until I was 11. My dad once tried to kidnap me (he was drunk and they were mid-divorce proceedings) and I was afraid to sleep by myself for 3 years. I turned out just fine. I'll tell you something that I told everyone who criticized me when we were co-sleeping with our kids: If she's still there when she's 14, then you can start to worry. Until then, it's actually developmentally appropriate for her to not want to sleep alone. She lied b/c she wants to please you. That's age-appropriate too.

Curiosity took me to your profile, where I see you've posted a few times in the last couple of years about what sounds like anxious behavior from your daughter. It may help to consider pretty much any behavior as a strategy to meet some need. Since so many of your child's behaviors seem to be security- or companionship-seeking, that leaves me wondering if she's feeling exposed to, or perhaps "encouraged" into, more social (or other) interaction than she's quite comfortable with.

We all have individual tolerances for social contact or new experiences, and when our tolerances are exceeded, we tend to feel insecure or incapable. Our general stress levels can go up and disturb concentration, or sleep, or even eating. So if my child were seeking ways to get more closeness, cuddling, or companionship than usual, I would look closely at all the other stuff going on in her life. It could be that just helping her find creative ways to handle her own issues can boost her confidence and reduce her stress.

I'm also wondering if she's simply craving more hugs, positive notice or appreciation than your normal family patterns provide. Is there a way you can arrange more one-on-one time with her during the day?

If she does have some sort of emotional issues, you can help her identify and share them using the practical ideas in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. This book provides simple but brilliant ways for parents and children to communicate honestly and respectfully with each other.

Whatever you decide to do about the lie, I would NOT isolate her further, which would be an unfeeling response to a child who's seeking more contact with you.

We moved to a new house when my son was 8.
It took him 6 months to make friends with his room.
Until then he slept on a cot at the foot of our bed.
The new house sounds just scared him in the night.
So I made sure I explained all sounds that came up - AC, heat, dishwasher, washer/dryer and he got use to them.
Then we took time to rearrange the furniture in his room just the way he wanted it.
We made forts in there and he could read in them.
He had night lights and a cd player to listen to music as he fell asleep.
Then we began cutting back on how much time he spent in our room.
It took awhile but now his room is one of his favorite places to be.
In fact he likes it so much, now he's balking at the idea of moving to a larger bedroom even though he needs more space and a new bedroom set/larger bed - his feet are almost hanging off the end of his bed now.

Why is her sleeping with you a problem? Are you, and she, getting enough sleep? Why is sleeping in your own beds important??

My daughter still, at 9, sleeps with me sometimes. We both like it. No problem at all.

My initial gut reaction was sleep walking or maybe she didn't remember going to your room but woke in your bed and went back to her own room without being asked. I would let her know you woke up and saw her in bed and then see what she does with that information. I see no reason to jump to any conclusions about she honestly remembers until you are honest with her about knowing she was in the bed.

It doesn't happen too often in our house now, but both of our children go through periods or moments of this. When our kids attempt to sneak into bed with us (unless they have obviously had a bad dream, REALLY need us or are sick) we send them back to bed as soon as we notice. Our three year old usually gets carried back to bed. Our six year old usually gets woken up (he as a bunk bed, I can't lift him into that). When we notice right away they get one minute of cuddles and then back to their bed. (Stick to ONE minute and make sure you don't doze off ). Just be really consistent.

If she is having issues with the dark, we love lava lamps as night lights. They shine brighter light than a regular night light, but it's dim enough that sleep isn't interrupted at night. GL!

oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my!!!

The lie would bother me more than anything else. I would ask her again if she was SURE she stayed in HER bed all night and be sure she is NOT lying to me...if she lies again - i would tell her I know for a fact she is lying and that I am TRULY disappointed in her lying to me.

As to the co-sleeping thing? I would tell her that it stops now. PERIOD. She can come GET me if she is having a bad dream - but she sleeps in HER bed. She cannot sleep in my bed anymore. If she has a problem - come get me - but DO NOT sneak into my bed. PERIOD.

Please understand I love sleeping with my boys on special occasions - daddy is out of town, they aren't feeling well and need some extra TLC - but it is a TEMPORARY thing...

Time to lock your bedroom door. If she is going to come to you, she has to ask. And knock on your door. She's 8 years old, not a toddler.

Tomorrow morning when she asks you "Why did you lock me out?" you should tell her that she lied to you about staying in her bed all night, because she WAS in your bed. She is not allowed to tell you lies, and this is her consequence.

For right now, I would allow her to sleep with you once a week, on the weekend. Then next month, once every other week. In 3 months, once every 3 weeks, and then in 6 months, once a month. By then, she may forget about it and no more co-sleeping.

Dawn

I would say this is the perfect opportunity to end the co-sleeping and handle lieing. She is no longer allowed in your bed unless it's for a good reason and she lied. I have stepkids and they push our boundaries even harder because they are not here full time. It's tough and hard but discipline and a good talking to should go a long way -- have a bath or a glass of wine on hand after. And, stick to your words! It may take up to a week.

I second what Dawn says, but I would add to it that if your daughter doesn't stop this, then you will lock her door from the outside. Yes, it's a fire hazard, but you if you mention it, it might register with her to stop this behavior.

I would lock my door.

To me, she is obviously lying because she wants so badly to please you. She knows you want her to stay in her room all night. Doesn't make the lie RIGHT, but maybe more understandable? Maybe that's the wrong word, I guess no lie is understandable. Anyway, I wish I had some ideas about the co-sleeping. My 8 year old has frequent nightmares (maybe 4 nights out of 7 each week) She wants to get in my bed but really, we have a queen and there is no room! So I just leave a blanket for her on the floor and I find her there in the morning 50% of the time. It is becoming less and less frequent though, so maybe that'll happen with your daughter too? Good luck.

My youngest, also 8, sleep walks and quite often comes down to our room and tries to crawl into bed with us. When my husband worked third shift, I would occasionally let her sleep with us.

When I wake up and she's trying to get in bed I always talk to her, give her a hug and then send her back to her bed. When you wake up and she's in bed with you, wake her up and send her back to bed. If you catch her trying to crawl into bed, tell her no, and send her back to bed. Doing this consistently will train her to stay out of your bed.

*hugs*

What is the big deal? She sleeps with you - I would be glad, not sad.

Well, there are different levels of strictness in the way you can deal with the co-sleeping. I've heard of people using rewards charts to encourage their children to sleep through the night. I'll be honest, I haven't been convinced of their effectiveness, but that may have more to do with the parents' consistency in applying them.

I've also heard of people who just always bring their kids back to their own beds if they come in in the middle of the night. They just walk them back without any discussion. Probably not the most restful solution, but I think that usually works after a few nights.

And then of course, there is just locking them in their bedrooms or out of yours. I imagine this is the quickest way to get it resolved, but most people I know who have had to deal with this don't like this option.

Good luck.

Set a trap tonight to "catch" her in the act. Something she steps on or activates ie, a bell, buzzer, etc..........