What Would You Do? - Garland,TX

I'm sorry that you're having to go through this, but I would be glad that I found it. You need to tell him that you saw it, and then request that he tell his wife so that you don't have to. He won't have a choice but to go tell her. Then they can either move on, or they can evaluate why he was listed on there, and divorce so that he can be the single man that it sounds like he thinks he is. This too shall pass. The baby coming into this relationship will be thankful his parents are apart rather than having a cheating father.

This type of situation was just on "What would you do?". Tell her. Give her the choice on what to do from there. Imagine if you don't tell her and something goes wrong and she finds out you knew. That will break ALL trust between you two. And if things go bad between her and her husband, she will need someone she can trust. She will need you. She sounds like a strong person and she will be able to handle this info. There is never a good time to tell her this, especially with a baby on the way, so do it now. No questions asked.

I agree with most that you should talk to him first..get the full story and also give him a time to talk to you about whats going on. So sorry :(

You have to tell her.....you could approach him and tell him that either he tells her or you will.

Oh my, my heart is breaking for both of you! What a horrible position for you to be in...

I'm just thinking off the cuff here, but have you considered approaching your son-in-law with what you found?

On the other hand, I am thinking about being in your daughter's position. If my mom knew what you do, I think I'd be devastated to find out at some point that she had this knowledge and didn't tell me.

He is obviously at risk of being unfaithful, if he hasn't already. Therefore, she is at risk for std's and potential harm to her baby. I know it's God awful hard to be the messenger on this one, but I think you have to tell her and be prepared to support her through the aftermath.

If it were me, I would want my mom to tell me. And i'd be really upset if she didn't.

Sooo sorry you both are going through this. Will send some prayers your way.

Invite them both over for lunch. Ask him to help you in the kitchen. Tell him that you have heard his cry for help and would like to know what he would like you to do for him and your daughter. (Using your computer for such purposes.... he wanted to get caught.) Give him a few minutes to get his thoughts together and figure out what he wants to do. Sit next to your daughter and hold her hand while she listens. Make sure you have a room ready for her if she is not willing to go home with the dirtbag. Don't let them leave without her knowing, no matter what he says to you.

It is important to not sound accusatory. You don't know that he's already cheated. You can ask questions and that will be your best defense against being painted the bad guy. (He'll likely try.)

Best of luck to you.

I am sorry you have to go through this, it is a very difficult situation.

I would suggest sitting down with your son-in-law, maybe together with your husband, and have a heart-to-heart talk with him. And decide what to do about telling your daughter depending on what he says...

it could be an old posting, check the date that he actually visited the site. Confront him first, and go from there. J.

Get the story first before jumping to conclusions and possibly ruining his marriage.

It could be a very old ad.
It is possible your daughter knows about it.
Just because someone has or previously had a profile on singles site is NOT evidence that someone is cheating.

Get facts before you hang him out to dry.

Do NOT report him to the dating service! This will not prevent him from going to another one (in fact, he’s probably registered in several already) plus it will alert him that you know. That is one situation you do NOT want to be in: he knows you know, your daughter doesn’t know, and he might be extremely determined that she never finds out = the physical/psychological issues that you are experiencing now are nothing compared to what you’ll experience at that time and compared to what he might do to you, especially if he’s controlling! Of course, if he’s a master of manipulation, he will pride himself in being able to manipulate his way out of it – but I don’t think I would take the chance that he won’t react in a physically revengeful, controlling way.

If your grandchild is NOT due in the next week, you should sit your daughter down immediately and discuss it with her (I have given a suggested way of revealing it to her below) since this is extremely hard on you physically and psychologically. The longer you wait to speak with your daughter, the more physical damage you are doing to your body. Soon you will have ulcers and other digestive issues along with affecting your immune system. That is why you should address this issue with your daughter as soon as possible. Also, whether you do it before or after your grandchild is born, it has to be done. Your daughter’s husband will be found out (whether one of your daughter’s friends discovers his picture on a dating website, he is seen out on a date with someone, one of the girls he’s dating mentions his name to a common acquaintance of your daughter’s, etc.) and it would be a total destruction of trust for her to find that her mother knew but didn’t tell her.

If your grandchild is due within the next week, I would wait till after the baby is born. The emotional state of the mother does affect the baby while the baby is in the womb (high adrenaline levels, etc.). But whether the baby is out of the womb or in the womb, the baby will still hear, feel and sense the parents’ tension and heated discussions. In fact, I would print this response out and keep it along with writing your own thoughts and expressions of love toward your daughter stating how much your heart hurts for her and how much you wanted to tell her - if you decide to wait. That way if she finds out during the week that you are waiting for your grandchild to be born, you can give it to her – even if she doesn’t know you knew. You have to be honest and ask her to turn the tables - what she would she do?

How to discuss it with your daughter: Have her come over to your house and when you sit down with her, have the printout of the screen in your pocket, in a folder - somewhere she cannot see it yet. Before showing it to her, hug her, sincerely (with emotion and with true, deep meaning) tell her how much you love her and will ALWAYS be there for her – do not skimp on this part, spend a lot of time and emotion – let her know you mean it with all your heart! In fact, imagine that this is the last time you will see her and you want to tell her all the things you will never get to tell her again. It is extremely important that she knows that even though her world might be turned upside down, she has someone solidly there for her. If you do this correctly, she might even ask you if there’s something you haven’t told her – have the doctors said something to you that you’re not telling her. You tell her, “no, I just need you to know that I love you so deeply and that I’m here for you and that’s why I have to tell you this.” Then show her the screen printout. If you have decided to wait till after your grandchild is born, arrange with your daughter for you to watch your grandchild while they meet and discuss her husband’s indiscretions.

Tidbit of advice: If your daughter’s husband has never taken his profile off the website or informed her that he had previously been married BEFORE they were married, he is most likely hiding much more. Also, since he has a controlling personality then it is a strong possibility that he will act out physically when she discusses it with him. I would suggest that your husband be present. Be sure to keep the copy of the screen printout and make another copy for her so that she can pull the profile up on the computer in front of her husband when she discusses it with him. If you give her your only copy, he might destroy it and if, in the future, a divorce is imminent, you have proof that he was at least in the market for indiscretion. I strongly advise: your daughter hire a private investigator and get proof of indiscretion before addressing the issue with her husband. I would also suggest that she find another job, beyond the reach of her husband.

She needs to know, now... so she can be prepared for it before the baby comes. Just calmly and lovingly show her what you found, show her the screen capture and the link to his profile, if it hasn't been shut down yet.

I wouldn't tell him first, it would give him a chance to come up with a story and delete evidence once confronted by his wife.

If it's an old account or whatever, those details will come out, but she needs to know.

I just read someones wife answered the singles add. One sure way to let him know you know. Respond to the add yourself.!!! Make sure you print out the evidence before you respond. Then I would tell him you have 24 hours to tell my daughter you )(*&^%$^^%#@$.

I agree with telling him what you found. (Keep in mind this could be an OLD account that just gets a message every now & then?) Anyway, tell him/show him then tell him if he doesn't tell your daughter...you will. Good luck.

I would rather hear something like that while still pregnant than when I have a newborn! Tell her now, before the baby comes.

You other option is to bring it to him. Let him know that you know and tell him that either he can tell your daughter or you can. Give him a chance to man up and fix his mistake himself first. If he hasn't told her within two days, then you follow through and tell her yourself.

She has the right to know. At the very least she has the right to refuse to have sex with him if she can't be sure that she is his only partner. She has a right to protect the baby that is growing inside of her from any STD's that daddy might bring home with him.

I'm so sorry you're facing this, but do NOT assume any guilt over it! YOU are not the one cheating on a pregnant wife! HE IS! Therefore, HE is responsible for carrying the guilt. You should have NO guilt involved in exposing him. If he didn't want to be exposed as a cheater and liar, he should be keeping it in his pants except with his pregnant wife!

I ditto Amanda.

WOW! I hope it turns out that this posting is super old and he just never closed it after he met your daughter! I'm thinking positive but I know it's a long shot.

I'm so sorry this is happeneing!

Call him right now and tell him he has 24 hours to inform your daughter of what he's been up to. Make sure you've printed out screen shots and your computer's history. Make sure that you time him to the hour and you have a sit down with her the minute his time is up if he hasn't already. She needs to know NOW. I can't imagine how she would feel if she finds out later and ever knows you knew.

Go to him and tell him what you found and strongly suggest he take care of this or you will.

She needs to know asap. It will hurt, but you can't keep it from her. She will resent you, for keeping it from her.

My prayers are for you and your daughter. I believe when you do talk to your daughter, you'll be surprised to learn that she "knows" way more than you think, but may not have consciously processed it.

I agree with most people that you need to tell your daughter now. I find it quite alarming that 1. he had a previous marriage that your daughter didn't know about until recently and 2. he was using the computer of his MIL to look at a singles site and 3. he is controlling. There are so many red flags here! If he is bold enough to use your computer to talk with other women it makes me wonder what else he is doing. I would tell your daughter when he is not around so that she has some space to process the information before confronting him. I would also recommend, for the safety of your daughter and her baby, that she not confront him when she's not alone with him. I would be very concerned about his reaction. Where did he go for 24 hours when she confronted him about his previous marriage?

I know working in the same place will be awkward, but that is not a reason to stay in a relationship that may be dangerous. I know the economy is tough, but there are other jobs.

Good luck! I will pray for your family.

Wow, that's awful. I'm so sorry.

It's hard to imagine that he never told her that he was married...unless of course he's not divorced. That happened to my cousin. She married a man and after their first child found out that he had another wife and kids in Mexico. She divorced him and he remarried another woman. So now he has kids with three different women and is married to two at the same time, living a double life! I remember seeing something about that on Oprah a few years ago- men married to multiple women at the same time that don't know about about each other.

I can see wanting to wait until after the baby is born. There really is NO good time to tell her, but she might be pretty miserable during delivery if she knows her baby's daddy is a JA.

Tell your daughter, now! Yes, she is going to be more emotional, but she needs to deal with this now, and it is between her and her husband, not you and her husband. She needs to make the decision that she is comfortable with.

I am so sorry about this. It is heartbreaking. It is possible that it's an old account, but you can check your history under Control Panel (internet options) and try to find out when he visited. If it was recently, EVEN IF IT IS AN OLD ACCOUNT, it doesn't matter. What business does he have still checking it? You have instincts for a reason.

Your daughter HAS to know. Can you imagine how betrayed she'd feel if you sat on it and didn't say anything? Not to mention the health risks for her and baby. If he gives her herpes and she delivers vaginally, for example, the baby could die or become blind. It is not worth the health risk.

Not that online cheating means he's having physical affairs but it's a possibility.

I found out about my hubby's three year online affair a month before I delivered. It totally sucked and I wonder how my emotions affected our baby. BUT, I needed to know so I could handle it. I can't imagine waiting another month or more for that issue to be confronted. It's going to hurt whether she is pregnant or has a newborn.

I'm sorry. I know you are devastated for your daughter. I know this is a nightmare for you. This is going to break your daughter's heart at a time when she's got a precious baby she's got to protect. But, trust that your daughter can make it through this and be there every step of the way when she needs to talk. She can do this. I did not know how I could deliver my baby one month after finding out about my husband's cheating. It was painful, but God carried me through it and I'm thankful I found out. It actually made our marriage stronger to be able to fully face this head on as odd as it sounds. Not saying that will happen in every case, but your daughter needs to be given the chance to face it.

I'd definitely report him to the dating service. Second, I'd show him the proof of what I'd printed out. Third I'd give him a considerable piece of my mind for what he's doing and having the nerve to do it on my computer!! Then I'd tell him to talk to his wife immediately because I WILL tell her.

This is horrible, and she has got to know about it.

I'm so sorry you are in this position.

L. F.

I would keep what you printed (in a safe place) and print a second copy to confront him with. Ask him to stop over without your daughter because you want to show him something. When he gets there, tell him what you found. If he denies it, show him one copy of what you printed. Find out all you can (obviously, he could lie but see what he will tell you).

If you think even for one minute that he has actually cheated, then you need to tell him that he has 24 or 48 hours to tell your daughter so she can take the necessary precautions to protect her child and herself...there is medication to help prevent certain things from being passed on (if she doesn't know of his cheating she may not feel a need for those treatments).

If he still denies it or doesn't tell you daughter...tell her you have something to show her and tell her what his responses were.

Oh man what a horrible position to be in. I am so sorry you are having to experience this. I say tell her. Print out the sheet that shows the information, dates, names, etc... and let her make up her mind what she does. Not telling her could be more damaging, not just to her, but your relationship with her and also to your future grand childs. Why put that child through a horrible marriage and then possibly a divorce. Better she knows and is told by you instead of finding out later.

I hope she is strong enough to tell him to bug off...

Tell her what you saw. Don't give her any of your impressions or assumptions. Just simply tell her what you found and let her go with it from there. You'll be there to support her and that's what she needs from you now. Not telling her could only cause more pain. Don't confront him. This should be between a husband and wife. If it's nothing (which I highly doubt), then they'll talk about it and be done with it. If it's not, then she needs to know now. Waiting only puts you at risk ... by that I mean your relationship with your daughter. You're not protected her by not telling her. You'd be protecting her by telling her. I saw that someone suggested a background check on this guy. That's a VERY good idea.

1) Report him to the dating service.

2) Talk to him, and ask him what the f*#k he thinks he's doing. Maybe, as others said, it's an old account.

3) Tell your daughter. This is a terrible, traumatic thing, but there is no way I wouldn't tell my daughter about it, no matter what stage of pregnancy she is in. It won't be any easier for her to hear after the baby is born.

Difficult situation. Don't forget though that when your daughter married this man, he became your son. Confront the man first (it may be an old website and be nothing). But if you get a negative reaction from him or that he admits it - maybe you can give some council.

Some women when pregnant tend to become a little cold toward their husbands especially in the last trimester (no excuse for the husband to find friends elsewhere), but some are weak and don't realize this is only temporary. Maybe what you say to him can save a marriage and if it is actually an ongoing site and he IS having extra marital affairs tell him you will give him a week to tell his wife, or you will.

Hope it all turns out well and if he is a Christian man read him "1 Corinthians 6:9-10

DO NOT go to him. He sounds like a boderline sociopath. They don't do well when confronted. As painful as it's going to be you have to be honest w/your daughter. You can't protect her from this. She suspects what kind of man he is and you do want to hurt your relationship w/her by keeping things from her. She's going to need you no matter what she decides to do w/your sad info. When you tell her be supportive but not judgemental and let her navigate the waters. MAKE sure she's safe when all this comes to light. I don't think you should pretend everythings fine because he'll use the babies birth to try and stay in the picture. "Honey... I know that was stupid but now we have a child and my love for you has changed. Look what we made... look what we shared, do you want to throw that away?" Ect......

Tell her now so he can't twist anything. The truth is the truth and it hurts but she has a child to raise and I hope that empowers her.

My thoughts and prayers are w/you.
C.

Your daughter will be upset if you don't tell her. Collect all the proof you can, find out what steps will help protect your daughter and the child finacially first...ie make sure she has funds on the side because you don't know how he will act when he is confronted. Be with her when she confronts him so there is accountability. And report him. Be as calm as possible with a plan for she is really going to need you through this.

Sounds like you guys may not know this man after all. Never mentioining that he was previously married and now still associating with single women (for who knows what?) What else is he hiding?
Have you thought about doing a back ground check on him? Thats what I would do.