What to Do with a Mouthy 4 Year Old...

Hi J.,

You are right on both accounts ... it's a phase and if not addressed it will get worse. First, I HIGHLY recommend the book "Kids Are Worth It" by Barbara Coloroso. Second, you could try having her behave and talk this way in front of a mirror so she can see how unbecoming it is. I did always have my kids apologize to me after they behaved this way.

Best wishes,
L.

It is a phase. The more attention you give it, the more it's likely to remain. When she yells, tell her to use her indoor voice. Be very patient - kids get excited and forget to keep their voice down, they aren't naughty, just forgetful.
When she gets "mouthy" try completely ignoring it. If you asked her to do something and she talks back, repeat the request just as calmly as the first time. It may surprise her when you don't even acknowledge that she was mouthy! If she initiates the conversation being mouthy, pretend you didn't even hear her. She's likely to get louder and more insistant. After the second time, tell her "I can't listen to you unless you talk nicely"
Also give her lots of recognitions when she does speak appropriately. Tell her "thank you for speaking nicely!" and, if appropriate, give her what she's asking for (you don't always have to - like cookies right before dinner can be a 'no', and anything dangerous always will be, but still acknowledge that she asked the right way). I like the bean in the jar idea another mama gave you, if you turn it around. Every time she says something nice or responds appropriately, give her a bean or a bead to put in a jar. At the end of the day, talk about how many beans are in the jar and how proud you are of her. Maybe when the jar is full she can get a reward (turn the beads into a necklace together, go on a fun outing, something like that. Time means more than gifts most of the time).
The hardest part is to monitor what she is hearing. First, make sure you are a great example of what she should sound like. A good way to gauge how you sound is to play house with her being the mom (even if toys are the kids). Kids will generally play the mom how they hear their mom (I was amazed as a teacher when the kids played school how I sounded to them!!!) Also monitor what she watches. My daughter was a big fan of Hannah Montana and several other shows like that, and I really didn't like how she started talking after she began watching them (the kids in those shows are NOT respectful most of the time. Even in cartoons.) We had to talk about how that is not the normal or okay way for people to talk to others, especially in our house, and I don't want to hear her talking to others that way. We also stopped letting her watch so much. Kids pick this up from so many places! Control the ones you can!

Hang in there. This phase will go in and out many times in her growing up - my daughter ht the tweens and we had to have the whole discussion again. And I'm sure the teens will see a resurgence. But at 4, whatever you give attention to is likely to increase, and things you completely ignore are likely to decrease. Focus on her good things (all through her growing up) and she'll still like you when she's 13 :)

when all else fails, there's nothing wrong with washing their mouths out with soap! i know it sounds cruel, but hey, our parents did it! just make sure its non toxic

I had my son put a dry bean in a jar every time he said something inappropriate during the day. At the end of the day we looked at the jar and talked about how much he was saying that was not good. He hadn't realized it was so much. It helped him to take it more seriously. We talked about using our mouths for good. I insisted on an apology and then we emptied the jar to start over fresh the next day. The next day the beans were much fewer because he started trying to control his language better. Eventually we stopped with the bean jar because my verbal warnings combined with his own efforts at self control were enough.

I like the bean idea... our friends had an obstinate kid, and they would put her in a cold shower if she didn't turn things around. She did!

I have a rough middle boy that does not seem to curb his poor behavior with anything I do. All I can say is the only time I see results is after a LONG time of the same punishment. He does not like being removed from a situation so I have found that putting him on the couch (although he acts like it doesn't bother him) is the best form. I keep doing the exact same punishment for the behavior, however I do not get any sort of results for at least a month or more. I think the key is repetition and patience. Sometimes they just seem to have a stronger will so you just gotta wait it out.

Good luck!

J.,
Here is what has worked the best in my family and anyone that I share it with is amazed at how well it works for them too... pick a phrase and repeat it every time she talks in a way that you don't like. Mine is "I am sorry, but I can't listen you when you talk like that" and then they will try to convince you that you can, and then I say, "If you want me to listen you need to talk with a softer, nicer voice." Then I have them try until it is to my liking. Then I praise and thank them for talking so nicely, and respond to whatever they were needing to talk about. It works great for whining too.
The other thing I do is have a problem solving talk.
I do this with my kids on problems I am not sure how to solve, but that need their cooperation.
Sit her down have a pen and paper. Tell her you have a very important thing to talk to her about and you need her help. Explain the problem and why it is a problem for you and her. Tell her you need her help to figure out how to fix it. Write at the top of the paper the problem. Divide it into two columns. On one side put her name, on the other, yours. (make sure she can see what you are writing and tell her what it says) Then ask her for some ideas, these you write on her side and then tell your your ideas and write them on your side. After you have your two lists, go over them and pick one together that you both agree on. If there is one that you don't like, tell her why you don't think it will work. And if there is one she doesn't like ask her why. (sometimes you might have to pick one of yours and one of hers) Pick a first, a second and a third choice. Tell her you are going to try each one until one works.
Do this also with consequences, if she can help pick the consequence it actually might be more effective.
You will be surprised at what this does to help. It gives her some power and she really will come up with great ideas too.
Here is just an example: you could start a reward calendar with red and green dot stickers, along with a code word so she can check herself and start over. Once you remind her twice using the code word, and she still is not correcting it, then she gets a red sticker. If she does start over and talks nicely or apologizes then she get a green sticker. If at the end of the week she has more green then red then she get a dollar store toy or whatever you two decided on. (trip to the park or ice cream or a friend over...)
But don't threaten with the red stickers, stay with the code word and stay emotionally calm about it. Simply say, "Oh next time I hope you choose to talk nicely". And go stick the sticker on. When she does talk nicely praise her hug her, and put a green sticker on. Tell everyone when she can hear you, that she has earned (5) green stickers that day. You want to minimize the negative reinforcement and accentuate the positive. Also if you do this sticker idea, if she goes a whole day with out being mouthy she should automatically earn a certain amount of stickers.
Hope this gives you some good ideas to roll with.
Good luck
E.

It really helps if you can figure out what your child values most, and base off of that. (Please don't put your child in a cold shower, it borders on abusive- I'm amazed at how often that suggestion pops up on this website) With my kids, it was individual, depending on what mattered to them the most. My son adored tv at that age. He had a limited amount of tv each day, and if he got in trouble such as being sassy, he lost tv privileges. Had I put him in timeout, it would have done nothing. He is an introvert and likes time to himself. My older daughter, however, is very social by nature and could not care less about tv. But she didn't want to miss out on a minute of being with people. With her, discipline meant an alloted time on her bed away from everyone. Then my younger daughter was most upset by losing certain toys. Hence her consequence. But it did take consistent consequences over a period of time for results. Particularly my youngest, who is the most strong-willed of my 3. It would always take her 2-3 times longer than the others for discipline to be effective. You just have to really stick with it. When thay start showing signs of anger and frustration, it means they are starting to see that Mom is more stubborn than they are and is not going to give in. After that, you will likely see less and less of the undesireable behavior. Good luck!

You could try what helped me: i never ever heard my sons yelling screaming arguing, and this is how I achieved it.

When my son started getting a little louder than I'd prefer him to talk, I sat down, pulled him gently to my side, held his hands softly in mine, looked deep straight into his eyes, and WHISPERED HIM: "Anton, I do not hear you, u=you speak too loudly! Please say it quietly, i want to hear what you say!" And he whispered me back what he was about to yell out...

there are several things in action, as you see, with such a move:
1. you give a loving touch, affirming him that the place is secure and safe with you;
2. you make a DEEP eye contact, assuring him that ou are totally receiving what she wants to communicate to you, that you are totally ingterested in this communication between you two
3. you give a logical background to the need of this change of the volume, which is important as children do think logically, from a very early age, and when they undrestand WHY, they are most likely to follow your advice.
4. you WHISPER, inviting and showing by example, HOW you want you two to communicate. ids are monkeying so much, they like repeating what others do, so it is easier for them to follow your advice when they see the example on HOW to do it
5. and lastly, you need to follow through! Once you start practicing this 'trick', (if you will), you need to ALWAYS NOT HEAR what she says too loudly. ALWAYS sit down, repeat the exercise of holding hands, seeing dewep into eyes, and whispering your wish to understand what she tries to say too loudly.
you can add to the fun, saying that you see her lips moving, you see she wants to say something, but it is too loud for your ears, and you just do not hear this voice, you need it softer, and quieter...

GOOD LUCK!
yes, and do not say it won't work because it is too simple, unless you TRY!
Try it, please, is my advice!
All the best, and be happy, you both ;) !
M.

When we were battling this problem... I learned after several trials that it came down to NO body being allowed to yell, including me.

I don't know what it is... but I think when kids find there is no other way to get someone's attention - they are going to smart off, act out, scream, etc. I have tried Love & logic too... didn't work for us.

But found that if your child wants your attention - don't respond if they are doing it in a negative way. If they want to do it in a kind, polite way & ask when they are calm... then respond. (It takes a lot of patience & calmness on the parent's part too - not to respond so quickly & abruptly when they are out of control.)

Talk about it before the change & why you are tired of all the screaming, etc... that if she'd like to talk to you - this is how it will have to be done... but then also model by example. It took a few months for us & we have kids 14, 12, 6, & 4....but it has been well worth it & things have become so much better!!

Good luck!! ~ J.

Hi J.,
It must be the age! My 4 year old is testing me too. I have just read a book called "Parenting is a Heart Matter" really great book! I hope that helps!
L.