Suggestions to Encourage a 3 Yr Old Girl to Stop Whining

My daughter went through this as well so I know how annoying it can be. The thing that I found worked the best was to act like I couldn't understand what she was saying. I would keep saying "what?" every time she wined but in a very sincere way. I would even get down on her level so I was looking her in the eye and say, "I'm sorry honey, I can't understand what you are saying when you talk like that, can you try again?" Then when she said it without wining, I would repeat what she said in a normal voice for confirmation (even though I knew all along what she was saying). Once she confirmed my understanding, I would then answer or respond to her like I normally would. The process is the point here. It begins to take so long for them to get their point, want or need across that she will quickly drop the whining to avoid the process.
My daughter is 5 now and still pulls out the winey voice every once and a while and this still works on her. I basically can't hear or understand anything said in a whiny voice.
Good Luck!

My son did that too. I just reminded him every time he used a whiny voice that I couldn't help him until he used his big boy voice. It didn't take long. If he's seriously whining about something he's upset about, I just tell him I can't hear him until he uses his big boy voice. Now I hardly have to remind him at all!

Whine back at her...seriously most kids HATE it and when they say stop or quit then you reply if you don't whine at me then I won't either.
Worked with my 3 anyway even the one who is learning delayed hated it.

this is an age thing..I am on my second one with this..one girla nd now a boy. We removed them. It is really hard for me at the end of the day but I take a breath and then pick them up and put them on the couch in the living room. Then I say: when you can talk to me calmly (or whatever) then come join us.

Love and Logic for the Early Years

Also, when she isn't whining...point that out. say: I like how you asked for the .... the way you said that was very sweet. I noticed you asked for that with a please.

Try...I know it is sooooo hard...to figure out what she most often whines about and "fix" that. So like if it is always 4 pm while you are preparing dinner, get her to help set the table and other tasks to earn allowance. Or give her 3 pretzels (he age) and make her count them out. then say she can have three more when dinner is served and no sooner. Set a routine and then reply: It is what it is and don't get upset. she is learning to manipulate and whining works..most parents just shove a cracker in the child's hand or buy the toy to shut them up...when tat only trains them to whine more...because they got a reaction.

Hi A.,

I have 3 girls, 4,3 & 5 mo. The two older girls always whine, but especially the 3yro. It was getting so bad that she whined when she said everything! Well I was getting frustrated so I started saying, "I'm sorry, I can't hear you when you whine." And I would not respond to what she was saying until she could talk to me in a normal voice. Now she still whines, because I don't think I can completely cut that out but she knows as soon as I say I can't understand you she completely changes her voice. I also make sure she says "Mom, can I please have a glass of milk" or whatever." I also try to make a big deal of it when she says it right. I smile and say YES! of course you can have a glass of milk thank you for asking so nicely and she loves the positive attention (because she gets so much negative attention sometimes! Terrible 2/3's!) I hope that helps. Good luck with your girls!

Dear A.,
the best way to deal with whining is to not give the child what he or she wants unless it is asked for appropriately. Just saying No Whining is not enough - you have to also not give in to what she wants - so if she's whining for you to give her something -don't give it to her, no matter what. When she comes back later and asks for it in a proper voice, then you can give it to her. It takes a lot of patience and practice, though. It can be hugely annoying, but you just need to keep repeating that she has to ask in a proper tone of voice and NOT GIVE IN!! Good luck!!

take care, S.

Hi,

Two things bother me more than others and that is whining and disrespect. I understand what you are talking about! I do child care and have taught preschool. What I found helpful when a child is whining is, I say..."I don't speak whine." Then I proceed to explain how I want it asked and worked with them. If that doesn't work, I say "I don't speak whine, how do you ask me not speaking whine?" and work with them again. After that if they do it again, then I do not respond. Most of the time they get it. However some children need to have more coaching. I do the same thing with manners. I usually ask, how do you ask me using your manners? It takes time and a lot of patients.

Hope you find some great advice.

Blessings,

S.

Thanks for asking this question, as we're going through the same thing. With my daughter, if my answer to her request is going to be 'yes', then I tell her to ask the question again in a different way, and then I praise her using polite words and tone of voice-- I think that has helped.

It doesn't work if the answer is going to be 'no', so I'm going to try the whine-back-at-her until she gives up approach!

Sara has hit the nail on the head! Your daughter is trying to get your attention in some way. I learned that if I stop and treat my child just like I would another adult (with respect and a willingness to try to fix the problem or at least listen for a moment), they learn that all they need to do is ask. The whining is usually because they need something (something to do, eat, sleep, whatever). It was always bad when they were in overload and trying to cope. By responding to them and showing them ways to solve their problem (the cracker before dinner, for example)we have helped our children recognize that they don't need to whine to fix things. For example, if we were at the park or a family party and my son would get whiny and want to go home (making us all miserable), I would help him find a quiet spot (maybe my lap or the stroller) and we would relax while I continued to visit. Eventually he learned he just needed his space and would do it on his own. This strategy has worked well for other things like food, entertainment etc.....sometimes they just need to know that you are there for them. Good Luck!!

My daughter is in a whiny stage also. Also throws fits. We tell her we can't understand her when she is whining, and she needs to ask us when she can ask nicely. Sometimes we tell her she can whine all she wants, but she needs to go to her room to do it. Same with the fits. She can cry all she wants, in her room. She is not being punished, we just tell her we don't want to hear it. She is free to go in and come out when she is done. When she comes out we just ask her if she is ready to be nice and talk nicely.

As annoying as her whining is, she might not realize that she is whining. You might want to try playing a game where you use your voice in different ways: talking in a high voice, a low voice, a nasal voice... Once she's able to identify the sounds she's making, you can try asking her to use a different tone of voice when you hear her whining. Sometimes the best way to stop an unwanted behavior is to reinforce her positive behavior, so be sure to compliment her when she speaks without whining. Good luck :)

I think that is the best way to handle it... not respond.
But of course at first you need to tell her why you won't be responding.
I have an infant myself, but my younger nephews are over all the time and I was a nanny for years and my trick was in the beginning I would tell them when you whine I can't hear you...
When you stop whining I will answer your question or help you out, or whatever it was they were going on about.
So when they would start up I would just stay silent and do my thing. From time to time I would say "I can't hear you"

Of course this does take a bit of time and patience but soon they catch on.
Same goes for temper tantrums. I would say you can have a fit in your room but not near me. So please come back when you are done. Sometimes I would even pick them up and put them in there room and let them know they were free to leave when they were done. That they weren't in trouble or anything like that. Just that they can't throw fits out of their rooms.

Once they see they don't get the responses from you, they do change their ways. It isn't an over night fix, but it sure does and did work for me.

I believe in positive talk -- so say "please talk in your big girl voice". First, sit down and talk about why she can't whine and what you are going to say and do. I think it helps to show them what they sound like when they whine and why we shouldn't do it. With most things I count to 3 and then there is a consequence if not done by Count 3. The other option is to ignore her until she talks to you correctly, but remember to tell her thank you when she does.

My 3-year old whines a lot too. If she is whining b/c she wants something, then we tell her she has to ask in a normal or regular voice before she will get it. Sometimes it takes her 3 tries to get it. I think she gets the point, but I don't know if this lessens the overall whining we still get from her. Would love to know how others eliminate the whining altogether!

Save the "no" for safety issues. Tell her that big girls don't whine, and when she finds her big girl voice you'll see what you can do for her. Then, when she's whining, go about your business and ignore what she's saying until she uses a proper tone of voice.

When my son starts with the whiny voice thing, I whine right back to him. At first, he hates it and gets really mad - because I'm taking his weapon - but if I keep at it, and get a little silly with it, pretty soon he crack up and we both end up laughing.

It's a great little trick I learned from a very wise mother long before I was a mother. I used to do it when my nieces (now in their late 20's!) went through that whiny stage. My sil still laughs at how well it worked and what a family joke it became. NO ONE could out whine ME! Lol.

The trick is not to get sarcastic (mean), and to keep at it until they crack. Some kids are SO entrenched they will throw a tantrum before they give it up. They hate it that you've taken away their secret weapon. Don't give up! It can be a great little joke between the two of you, and help your daughter let go of the whinies.

Good luck!

Blessings,

M.

I say, very sweetly and sincerely, "I am sorry. I can't understand you when you talk in a whiny voice. Could you talk in a big girl voice please?" I ignore the whiny voice and then respond whole-heartedly and immediately when a big girl voice is used. I also say, "I am so glad you decided to use your big girl voice! It sounds so nice!"

We had this same problem with my husband's daughter a couple of years ago at about the same age. The thing I think was most helpful for us is everytime she started her whining, we would stop her dead in her tracks and tell her that we don't understand whine and if she wants or needs something she will have to speak normally. If she continued to whine, we just ignored it. I think the key is to stop her, speak over her until she learns that it is not acceptable

Ignore her. Just walk off when she whines. Both of my kids had to learn the hard way I won't respond unless they ask nicely without whining, even then sometimes the answer has to be no.
Warn her once with "I will not listen when you whine, if you need something please talk to me in your normal voice"...if she continues, walk away. Once she figures out she will get nowhere with the whining it will stop. It is a normal phase and as long as you aren't giving into her when she whines she will get the hint sooner then later. My seven year old will whine still on occassion and I just say "I cannot help you if you whine"..and she stops right away, hee hee.
It is much better to not respond! :)

I definitely feel your pain. The most effective thing I have found is to "not hear" what she is saying. Sometimes I just completely ignore it and other times I'll just say, "I hear a noise, but I don't know what it is." We have had the discussion of what a whiny voice is. When she realizes she's not going to get what she wants by whining, it typically puts a quick end to it.

It may sound silly, but when my kids whine, I whine right back. In the whiniest voice I can muster, I say that I can't understand people when they whine. They have to stop whining before I can understand them. Usually my daughter laughs and uses her normal tone of voice. On occasions, she's gotten upset and told ME to stop whining. It shows them that I don't respond to whining because I "can't understand" what they're saying, and also shows them how incredibly annoying whining can be. They still get whiny sometimes, especially when tired or hungry, but it usually ends fast. Good luck!

Are you sure that your daughter understands what whining is? At that age we often tell them not to do things, like whine, but they don't really know what whining is so they cannot stop. She will still whine once she knows what it is, but it is easier to address it.

My friend's parents had an effective approach to whining. There was a set punishment for whining like no tv for a day. If the kid said, "Mooom" or anything else in a whiny voice she would immediately tell them they whined and they were grounded from the tv for a day (I really can't remember what the actual punishment was) and would then ask them what they wanted. None of the kids were whiners after that system was put in place. There were no warnings at all. The minute a whine came out of one of their mouths the punishment was enforced.

Hi A., same problem here with our 3yo girl. I basically keep doing what I am doing and tell her in a regular tone that I will not listen to her until she is talking like a big girl. My husband caves so I tell him to leave the room when she is like this. I can tune it out no problem when I listen to it day in and day out. It has since improved but not completely gone. Baby Steps. Good luck.

Tell her "I can't understand you. You need to use your big girl voice." Then act as if you don't understand the whine, even if you do. Model a big-girl voice whenever you talk to her (don't use the little high-pitched voice we all like to use around kids anymore). She will still whine at least some, but she will also learn that to get what she wants she needs to talk clearly without whining.

And don't worry - most kids go through this stage and she'll grow out of it eventually.

I always tell my kids "I'm sorry - I can't understand you when you're whining. You'll have to come back and talk with me when you can do it without whining." If my oldest (8) tells me she's not whining, I talk to her the same way she's talking to me so she can hear how she sounds.

We had/have this problem too. I highly recommend a book called 1-2-3 Magic. It is a great program that has worked really well for us not only to stop the whining and other behaviors but it also has helped put a program in place to start and encourage good behavior. Now most of the time all I have to do is hold up one or two fingers and the whining stops! It really is Magic!!!

Interesting how everyone is saying pretty much the same thing. We use the I can't understand you when you are whinning technique as well, My phrase is "I'm so sorry sweetheart I can't understand what you are saying" I also say "Say please, please." I use please with her as well so she hears it often. Add one more piece for us when she is just having a rough time because she is tired and grumpy--or just because, it usually ends up she will cry when the whinning isn't working so I tell her I love her and that it is okay to cry when she is frustrated, go on up to your bed and have your cry out and we can talk when you are ready.
I saw a friend do this at her house and thought that really works? turns out it does.
She comes back down almost immediately most days, once in a while she cries a bit first then we snuggle and she asks nicely for what she was wanting (if she even remembers what it was lol)

I definitely agree with the others. My daughter used to do that and heck even now she has started up again and she is 6. If you tell them you aren't listening they will think about why not. I used to tape record, then I video recorded her whining. We also would talk back in a whiny voice alot and she got tired of it. It takes a little time but eventually they seem to get upset and feel embarassed so it will end. Just be patient and hang in there. #1-Dont give in to her whining if she does it everytime she asks for something. Good Luck.

I like Britta's response, however you can take it a step further. 3 yr olds desperately want your attention constantly, so when she starts to whine ignore her. Don't speak to her, walk away or turn your back. If she keeps up the whining (I assume it's when she is asking you for something as my little girl who is 4 now did) look her in the eye and very calmly tell her that when she can ask you the right way, she can have what she is asking for. I make my kids say, "Can I have (blank) please?" It doesn't take long for the whining to diminish. Notice I didn't say it stops. Kids forget, and the whining peeks it's annoying little head up once in a while, but a quick reminder that they don't get what they want until they ask correctly takes care of it. Ok, after posting my response, it happened! My sweet 4 yr old girl whined that she was hungry and thirsty. I ignored her...she persisted...I still ignored her...she still persisted...I told her that when she can ask the right way for something to eat and drink, I will be glad to fix her a snack. She wanted nothing to do with that. I sat down to watch the news and kept ignoring her theatrics to get my attention. Next thing I knew, she was snuggled up with her blanket and napping on "the big chair." I suspect when she wakes up and is ready for lunch, she will ask nicely. Just thought I would share my first hand experience of the day.

I have been an early childhood teacher for 17 years and have had to deal with that a ton in the classroom setting and help many parents along the way with that problem. I usually try to show kids what different tones of voice sound like and tell them that whining hurts my ears and sounds yucky. I say, "you need to use your big girl voice when you talk to me (or people)" and I do not acknowledge the content of the whining until it is repeated in an appropriate voice that is not the cranky voice. When a child is actually cranky about something, you can say, "it sounds like you are cranky or upset. What can I do to help?" When the whining seems to be the only way a child talks, they need to know how annoying it is to be around. Good Luck!

"I can't hear you," when she's whining. As soon as she doesn't whine, enthusiastically respond. Record her whining. Play it back to her. Whine to her and ask her how she prefers you to talk to her.

I am not sure either but my 2 1/2 year old is the same way so please share the secret when you figure it out!

I went through a similar thing with one of my daughters several years ago when she was three. What worked for us was a very simple sticker chart that we kept on the fridge. It was just a piece of paper upon which I had written "I can be happy!" We explained to her that whining and fussing about things didn't make anyone happy, including her, and told her that every time she asked for something nicely, or talked in a happy, nice way, she would get to choose a sticker to put on her chart. It worked like a charm! This might not work for all kids, but it's worth a shot.

i practically raised my neice with my mom when i was younger and when her mom and dad would come home late at night she would become really whiny or when they would bring her over to be babysat all up untill they would leave she would just constantly whine at them. I believe it was because they would finnaly give in to her just to make her stop and go play, but as soon as they would leave the whinning would stop because my mom and I would not put up with it we would say no whinning and if she continued we would ignore her (to an extent, depending on the need of course) until she stopped talking in that whinny voice. Just be consistant and it most likely just a stage so have patience and jsut keep repeating your self or ignoreing her until she gets the picture, which will happen sooner or later.