What to Do About My Son/sons.

Don't start the game of who's fault? It will not accomplish anything. As hard as it may seem, you need to cut them loose. Stop letting them play mind games on you. It's not fair to you, your youngest son or your husband. Stop giving the cash and if they must come to your home it is because you have invited them. I know this is easier said then done, but this will continue to be a life pattern if you don't stop it now. They are making their choices. This is not to say that things won't turn around. Many young people rebel, expect mom & dad to fix it, take care of it, or be on call whenever needed. This will only lead to resentment and more fighting.
Focus on your family life and enjoy it. Let your oldest sons GROW UP!

As all the ladies have said, blame is a waste of time and not important. First, if he has a key to your home (do not let him in your home without you there to monitor), change your locks, second, do not give him any money - you can buy food or pay a doc bill but no money and no car or insurance payments - only necessities. Tell him if he doesn't like your rules, then he doesn't need your money - his lifestyle is his choice and some people just have to have someone or something to blame for everything (and you are his target) but the fact is we all make choices and should have to live with the consequences.......as a wise person once told me 'you cannot be a doormat unless you lie down'.........don't lie down anymore............my best to you

L.,
All your responses have some great points however, I would like to add a few suggestions.
I have had a situation with my Daughter for many years, where I tried to use my money and wisdom to "fix" the situation. I assure you that many thousands of dollars later, she was no further along in maturity and being responsible for her, her children or her actions. I was so fed up several years ago, that I released her to God. I know that Jesus can do so much more for her than I can even imagine. I have had to do my part with "tough Love". There is a reason they call it tough Love... it's not always easy. I pray for protection over my daughter and my grandchildren every day. I don't know that she realizes that her situation is mostly due to choices she made, but I pray she will get there soon. All this has given me a peace of mind.

Don't harp on what should have been, even kids raised in the same home all their life can turn out differently. Forgive yourself if necessary over not pressing more to get your son to come back and live with you.

I pray that you will find Peace of mind, and less stress over this situation.
Sincerely,
C.

I don't want to come across harsh, but your son is playing you. I am 26 and remember being young real well however, I was never able to ask my parents for money and then tell them it was none of their business why I wasn't working. You have to take a stand no matter how hard it is. He doesn't want to live under your rules, doesn't want to go to college or try to be somebody then he has decided to be an adult and join the adult world as one, meaning mommy and daddy do not give him money or provide for him. Give him some rules as to when you would be glad to help him and don't help him until then. I believe boys that are babied have a hard time growing up into responsible men. If he chooses for his life to be jobless and living from friend to friends house than he has made that choice and you can still love him, but you helping him is helping him stay young and not grow up to be a man. I hope this has helped some. Good Luck and be firm and strong because that is what he needs right now. Someone to expect more out of him.

Hi L.,

Sorry you're having such a rough time. My first thought is it really doesn't matter whose "fault" it is that your boys are making these choices. This is the situation, so you have to find a way to handle it. I'm very grateful that I haven't had to use "tough love" with my children, but I experienced it with other family members. It is a very difficult thing to do, but keep in mind these are no longer boys. They are adults and you are no longer responsible for them or to them. Your responsibilities were to provide for them when they were children and keep them safe. Anything you do for them now is a gift. Especially if drugs are involved, I think it's very important to draw that line. If you know he's stolen from you already, you can bet he will continue. Your obligations now are to your minor son, husband and yourself. Trust yourself, set boundaries, and stick with them. All you can do is hope and pray eventually they will come back, and I believe they will. Best of luck.

First let me say it is NO ONE'S fault, unfortunately this stuff just happens. As I read your post I began to wonder if my son wasn't living in two families. My son will be 26 the end of this month and is the same way. I stressed over him so much it almost killed me. My BP was skyrocketing out of control to the point I was literally bleeding from my eyeball. When I went to the Emergency Room for it the doctor said it was but by the grace of God I had not had a heart attack or massive stroke. My BP was 289/179 and it wasn't getting better.
As a mother I know how hard it can be. My son stole over $10,000 of items from us to support his drug habit. We would let him come back and the rules always stayed the same.... NO DRUGS. All he did was thumb his nose at us. As hard as it is, and it will be, the only way dor it to stop id for YOU to stop it. YOU have to put your foot down and say NO MORE! Stop feeling guilty when you did not make them this way, it is what they chose to get from life.
You have to let yourself get to a point where you realize by giving them food, money, and everything else you just encourage their behavior and as long as you are accepting of it... It won't change on it's own...

good Luck

L.:

Hang in there! As your sons are so prompt to remind you they are men now for good or ill.

Sometimes you have to love your baby enough to allow him to take the hits and the bruises in order for him to learn.

Speaking from my own experience, until I was 19 years of age I thought my parents just couldn't understand where I was coming from. It took me getting life experience of my own to understand that both of them had the best intentions for me.

A wise friend of mine used to tell me that a lesson bought lasts longer then a lesson told. How real that is!

Getting back to the person that your young man is staying with. Is that in another parent's home? If so, you might open a dialog with them? Surely they will be open to hearing both sides of the story. If nothing else, it is worth your time to try isn't it?

Let go of what you can't control! That's easy to say and hard to do I realize. In this instance you must do your best to be loving, approachable, and hands off.

As the mother of an 18 month old I truly identify with what you must be going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.

D McKinzey

L. these boys are grown men now
and ya'll are enabling them
JUST SAY NO!
it could ruin your new marriage to the man of your dreams!
PS it's no one's fault
that kids today are so spoiled and expect not to work but their own.
Say I'm so sorry
you need to stand up on your feet now
my God they could be soldiers!

Who cares whose fault it is? Seriously, assigning blame is not going ot help anything. I say let him fall on his face and explain why (the thefts, lies and disrespect). Of course I can say this at this point cause my only son is 15 right now. Your situation almost sounds like my mom and she just keeps taking it. It drives me crazy. Just because you are Momma in NO WAY means you should be abused like this.

hello L. my name is G., i have 6 kids 22, 19, 18, 15, 12, 3 and its 3boys and 3girls My two oldest sons are like that only call when they want something from me my oldest is lazy and always expects me or girls to provide for him he recently starting yelling at me in a disrecpectful manner. The first step is to pray open your heart to God and give them back to Him. they are grown and as mother's we want the best for our children and feel guilty when things arent going well for them. The best thing we can do is allow them to grow up and be men. Matter of fact i told my son the oldest when he did that he couldnt ask me for anything and that i love him but im not his friends or girlfriend you cant use me and i told him i was done and unbelievably i try to stay busy and focus on the 4 in the house with me.They have to learn about choices and consequences sometimes its painful lesson but they are adults and you should not feel bad about the past but focus on the future with the family that is in the house with you start saying no! i cried but i've prayed and i know God is taking care of it I pray for you as well and remember it is not your fault nor your husbands fault they are young men and must be held accountable for their own actions keep loving your sons but live your life

I agree you need to just say no. Why bother keeping a job to cover his needs when he can just ask mom to? Second if he cusses at you or talks bad to you hang up the phone or leave. You are his mother. You deserve to be treated with respect. You love him but that doesn't mean you have to be subjected to that kind of behavior.
My family has always taken care of me but when I step out of line they let me know. It doesn't mean I love them any less or vice versa but it does snap me back into reality and makes me realize I cannot be a jerk and still expect them to help me. Why should they?
And you don't have to, if they are over 18 they are adults. It will be really hard for you at first but I think you will be suprised at the results. Oh yeah don't give in right away, obviously they are good at manipulating you so until you are absolutely positive they are making some headway don't just give in. And if you ask where their money went and they say it's their business then your espond well then I guess getting more money is "your" business too. You don't want to be working just to support a grown man. Good luck!

omg i can relate so much 2 ur story i also have 3 boys an r divorced from there dad thank god who was verbly,physically abusive 2 me in front of my children. now i do have sum problems with my older son who now believes his dad is father of the year which he has not been in there life for sum years but now he is andof course he blames me for it. but my oldest son now has 2 children of his own with 2 different girls which i did not approve but thats not my business he says they no it all. and my middle is in college an also has adhd and he says he does not want 2 finish nor get a job so i told him u r 21 yrs old u need 2 get on ur own if u drop out of college he now is running 2 his big brother and asking 2 live with him an on the weekends they drink an i do worry alot an i cannot sleep cause he is on medications for his adhd and i worry about him taking them an drinking cause wen my boys drink they love 2 fight so the less i know the better.