Teenagers! or Rather Young Adults!

She is 19, so she is grown. Let her do what she wants and suffer the consequences. You've done all you can. Don't give advice unless she asks for it. That said, you can have whatever rules you want if she's living with you. If she doesn't like it, she can move out. No discussion.

My son did the same thing. Wanted to move out, wanted to move in with a girlfriend, couldn't stand our home and our rules... We stuck to our guns and powered through it with the help of a counselor. Having someone for him to talk to who was a neutral party was very helpful. And, as it turned out, we discovered that he was suffering from clinical depression. He was lashing out because he was so unhappy with life. I know meds aren't always the answer, and maybe your daughter isn't depressed... But at least consider it. And try to find someone trained to guide her, my son's counselor is now a friend who my son will always trust and admire. My son is now off to college and looking forward to meeting his new (all-male) roommates. Our relationship is better than ever!

K.- this sounds like a tough situation... although my children are still babies, it wasn't that long ago that I was at that age myself! While I do think your daughter will ultimately make the decision for herself, I think that you are right to ask that she stay at home and not "spend the night with her boyfriend." My two sisters and I all lived with our parents until we married, each at age 21. I am very thankful that we had parents that loved us and cared for us in the way that they did. They taught us well and we knew what was allowed and what was expected. Sometimes we thought that it wasn't fair because we weren't allowed to do what others our age were doing, but now I can honestly say that I appreciate the rules my parents kept for me! I do not agree with the "tough love" theory at all. I believe that God gave children parents for a reason. We have to teach them what is right and teach them how to make good decisions, not just hope they figure it out on their own. Good luck to you and God Bless!

its a really tough situation. im only 24, and i was 19 when i got pregnant with my daughter, so i remember it well. on one hand it is your house and your rules and if she doesnt like it then she can get another job and move out. on the other hand, she is a legal adult and can make her own choices for herself. (and thats exactly how she is looking at it and why she is so angry about it!) i would just tell her if those things are that important to her then she needs to get a place of her own.

http://www.PerfectWorkForMoms.com

Wow, you do have your hands full!! I did not have girls, but 3 sons instead. They are all grown and have gone their own ways, and luckily for me, they are all doing well, and call me daily to just say hello, and that they love me. It's a great feeling. But, each of them had a different approach to adulthood. My oldest, quit college at age 19 and joined the Navy. When he came home, he still had to obey our house rules, but of course on base, he was under Navy rules. I am not sure who was stricter!! Our second son was comfortable with homelife, and didn't feel like our rules were too difficult for him, so he didn't leave until he was 26. Youngest son left for college after his seniour year of high school, and basically never moved home again. Each reaches that age of maturity at a different time in thier lives. I share all of this to say, she may be ready to leave the nest. You have given her the basic morals and goals that are important to you, and now you have to let her try it her way. Have an honest open discussion with her. Let her know your home is always there as a safety net, but it doesn't have a revolving door entrance. Legally she can make her own decsions, and unless she has some sort of mental disabilty, you should let her. Explain that if she leaves home, your financial support ends, she will be responsible for her own insurance, food, utilities, etc. If she feels capable of taking responsibity for all of this, she may be ready to fly the coop!! Encourage her to follow her dreams, but always be aware that she is ultimitaly responisble. Love not lectures make a good parent. Be in prayer for God's guidance in her life, and let her make her own descions. Good luck, and remember, they all do grow up, just at diffent times and experiences. D.

Let her go, and tell her you will always be there for her.

K.,
While my immediate response is most likely not what you want to hear...I will say this...fundamentaly YES YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!
I disagree with the method and word choices, but in the end... you are right to not let her spend the night with him. When helping our young adult children make the right choices, we oten refer to how it was when we were their age...this kind of conversation is (in my experience) like throwing a brick wall up all around them and NOTHING gets through. I have learned through my 17 year old son, that If I ask a few poignant questions first, they themselves come to a reasonable and remarkably mature decision. As for your sister's comment...yes your daughter is at an age in which most others her age are out on their own, but that isnt your situation so it doesn't really matter. Stick with the values you ARE teaching you child. Co-habitaion before marriage is a sin. Having a mature, rationale adult conversation is the first step to teaching your daughter how to make the right choices in her life. Teaching by example is so important. In your case, I might offer to have another conversation about her life so far. Be there to listen, really listen. Try to really be open minded with her ... so much that I could say.... but i will end with this...tough love is just what kids need and WANT. Boundaries are what they seek. Dont give up , dont throw in the towel...keep believeing in yourself and in her.

K.-

I figured I'd respond to you based on what I would have felt at your daughter's age (I am now 29). First of all, it sounds like you are telling her two different things. First, you are telling her to be independent and stay in college so she can make something of herself. But then you are telling her that she can't do things (stay at bf's house) that essentially she would be doing if she weren't living with you (or were away at college). You may not agree with allowing her to spend the night, but I think you should voice your opinion on why you do not think it's a good idea, but explain to her that she is an adult and she can make her own choices. She is over 18 and because she has lived outside of the house already, she is probably frustrated with the 'mothering' aspect of what you are doing becuase she's already lived on her own. Not to say that you should stop mothering her! I think it's hard when children move out then back home. I did so when I was 20 years old but my parents essentially let me make my own decisions. I was respectful and told them where I'd be and when I'd be home but by the time I was 21, I was spending the night at my boyfriend (now husband)'s house and he was occasionally staying at ours. Now 19 and 21 are two different ages, but something to consider. What about asking her if he wnats to stay at your house in a guest bedroom or on the couch?

Also, I am not sure you telling her what your mother did to her was the best idea. I realize you were trying to explain how much easier she has it than you did, but it makes you sound resentful of her (from what you posted). It's not her fault that your mother kicked you out becuase you were pregnant with her. I just think you could have approached it in a different manner - something like "I realize you want to stay at your boyfriends house. I was young once too. I also go pregnant very young and it wasn't an easy road. I'd like to prevent that for you...and by you staying over there, I think you'll be more likely to engaged in sexual activity. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be doing that because you are an adult. I'm just asking you to listen from my point of view. If you didn't live here, I wouldn't have to know what is going on with your life and where you stay at night. But since you do live here, I'd like some say so in where you are going - or at least know where you are going.'

Also, I think you may need to revisit something else you said "I've learned that he is not one for me to talk to about most things or things that are emotionally important to me." in regards to your husband. You may want to ask why this is? He should be equally inveested in what's important to you no matter what. Maybe he thinks you are overreacting with your daughter? That is not the same as not being there for you emotionally. That is very important in a relationship (in my eyes) and you may want to talk with him about it or consider counseling.

Sorry if I sounded harsh...I did not mean to. I just wanted to be honest!

Good luck!!

K., I understand that this is your firstborn and you are having trouble letting go...I did the same thing with my first ( and 2nd ...I am a slow learner...lol).
You cannot control this child for her entire life...she is legally an adult...and is responsible for her herself in the eyes of the law.
I know that you only want what is best for your daughter and are trying to protect her but she is at a stage that she needs to start taking responsibility for her own actions and understand the consequences that some of them can have. You have to have faith that you raised her correctly and that she can stand on her own two feet.
If she wants to stay with her boyfriend for the night, the most important thing for you to do is to make sure that she is on some form of birth control.( I speak from experience, my 2nd daughter had a child at the age of 16 who she placed for adoption, an experience that has continued to impact our lives for the past 11 years!!). Let her know that you love her and that you will always be there for her but let her spread her wings a little.
R. Ann

Good Morning K.. Ain't it fun being a mom of a teen or young adult!?!?! They sure keep you on your toes even more then the younger ones do at times. They think they know everything and nothing bad will ever happen to them. They are invincible!! I had boys, 2 of them critters,and I think we seem to allow our son's more freedom then we do our daughter's. I remember my brother never having to help out around the house. Well he helped once in a while with mowing etc. If mom got angry he would just hop in his car and take off. My sister and I didn't have that option we had to stay and listen to all the Why's, What if's, When I was' lectures. I'm sure your daughter enjoyed your lecture as much as we enjoyed ours...lol Hope you didn't forget walking to school up hill both ways in the snow.....lol

We want our girls to be safe, protected, able to stand on their own if they have to. My younger sister moved out several times and moved back home. She got married at 25 I think. I went from my parents home at 19 to OUR home. I wasn't allowed to be on my own away from home. I listen to my gal pals talking about having an apartment and going to college away from home, and man I wished at times I had, had that opportunity. I never had to option to see if I could stand on my own. Parents took care of me, told me when I could go places, do things, then I had a husband to look after me. Good thing he never told me what I could do or not do either...lol Tried once or twice. Nope ain't happening.

Even though Kim right now she hates her life, it's boring, restricting, wants to spread her wings pe-say, you might just have to Shake the dust from your shoes let her go. Tell her you love her, wanted better for her and wish her well. Ask her if she stays with her boy friend or moves in with him, if he is the one she wants to spend her life with if she should become preggers? Would this guy make a good father and husband? Or would he turn tail and run like the wind. If things go bad are you going to come back to mom and dad and expect you to pick up the pieces?
Guys don't have to hang around when things get rough.
(They should but alot don't). My girlfriends daughter got preggers at 18, her guy said She knew what she was doing when she spread her legs, and that was the end of that. Took her 8 yrs to get any type of help with her son's care.
He just graduated High School and entering college now.

You have some tough decisions to make and think about K.. Is she mature enough to stand on her own if it get rough out there? Can she support herself if loverboy takes to the high road? Would she be able to be a single parent if this situation arose?

If you decide to let her go she has to have a job,support herself, finish college. Unfortunately we can forbid our kids until we're blue in the face and on our last breath and they will still do as they please. Unless they have great respect for your authority.

God Be with you K., I know it's hard just be firm in whatever you decide.
My Mom's been gone one year today and I wish at times she was still here to talk to, even if she didn't know me, I knew her! You daughter will one day see you as a wise, knowledgeable, strong Mother, Women and Friend. Just might take some down time for her until she does.

God Bless you
K. Nana of 5

Im just going to tell you how I felt. My mom would use spending money on me as a way of controlling my actions. Right now it's working with your daughter but it builds up alot of resentment on the kids part. In my case I moved out and going to college was not worth my mom making my decisions for me. So I didn't go to college and it's a struggle. But looking back my mom may have been right but I would not have wanted to live with her - to do it the right way. I love her now but when your that age you just feel strangled. Her decisions won't be good always. She will mess up. When she does just love her. This life is so hard. We think what we want is right and usually find out it wasn't. Has she been a pretty good kid? Give her some credit. Try to think of positive tings to say. Uplift her every chance you get.

God Bless you raising children/young adults is SO hard.

L.

Speaking from when I was that age, I would let her make her own choices. Let her know that as long as she lives in your house, she will need to let you know if she will be out all night or be coming home. It is a respectful guesture. As much as she obeys now (and hates it) she will probably find a way to stay with her boyfriend whether you know it or not. If she wants to move out, let her. However, keep the lines of communication open. If she doesn't want to go to college, I wouldn't make her, as she is an adult. College will always be there.

My mother wanted to me to go to college (at her choice of location) and I went somewhere else, just to prove I didn't have to listen to her. She ended all communication with me. I attended a year, then quit. I had one of the hardest years, because I couldn't go home, but had to make on my own. After a year, I did go back to college and ended up finishing my degree.

If you keep the lines of communication open and tell her you don't agree with her staying with her boyfriend and why (honestly with no sarcasm) she may change her mind. It is great that she is still asking you for permission, but she needs to make her own mistakes. She will learn more from her own mistakes better than living through yours.

My oldest daughter is 18. She still has one year left of school though. This is how I feel about the situation, and I've had a few struggles with my daughter over the last few years... If she is living with you, then it is your rules or she is out. If she chooses to move out, let her. At this point you are not going to change her behavior. She has to decide for herself what is right and forbidding her to do something is only going to make her problems your fault and will never allow her to take responsibility for her own actions. At what point is it her life? Haven't we all done things our parents didn't like? I was a "good" kid and still did things my parents weren't happy with. It has to be her life though...like it or not. It will come back to bite you if you hold on too tight.
Love her and let her know you will always be there and that you hope she makes smart choices. Trust that you raised her right.
If you must, sit down and go over what your concerns are, then let it go...and pray a lot. :D

I would say that if she is living with you she needs to abide by the rules you set down, only in this case, if you insist she be home every night in her very own bed
( alone ) she may just decide to move in withthe boyfriend anyway...honestly as uncomfortable as it may be its not like the Only time they can be together is at night so I guess I would try and compromise. She is a young adult and I would sit down and have a heart to heart, tell her you do not condone what she is doing but you respect her right to decide what is right for her, reinforce being safe when sexually active both to prevent sexually transmitted disease and an unwanted pregnancy. Also set ground rules calling to let you know if she is not going to come home and also if she plans on coming and going what times are acceptable to come home, I had a curfew even when i was living at home at age 21 with a baby! Courtesy is still a necesity when you reside at home in my opinion. I can only imagine how difficult this is, my son is only 13 and is already pushing every boundary he can think of.
B.

My prayers are with you. I also have an "adult" teen girl/young woman. I know we want the best for them but they are adults and they will make their own decisions good or bad, right or wrong. I have given my input when she want to do something that I don't agree with but ultimately I can't make her do anything. I can only control me. I can stop supporting her financially but I can never stop supporting her with my love cuz that's what us mothers do. Hang in there...I am told that we will be friends again about the time she turns 25.

My advice is to take a step back. She is going to have to live in a tough world. She needs to make her own mistakes and learn from them, otherwise she will never survive. I can't imagine how hard that would be, but I truely believe it is the only healthy thing for her and for yourself. If she lives with you, the only rule I would set is, please be considerate of the rest of the family and let me know if you plan on being out all night or coming home late. Other than that, just support her and when she does make mistakes try not to blame her...just help her get back on track. Good luck!

I'm actually a little amazed that she's obeying you. She's an adult now, and in my humble opinion, you need to take a step back. You can be there for her for guidance and support, but, it IS her life now, so it's time for her to make her own decisions. You may just be pushing her away by being forcing her to follow your rules at this point.

I hate to sound rude but it is her life she technically is a legal adult at the age of 18. If she wants to move out then your going to have to let her. Personally to me you sound a bit overprotective. sorry your kids can't be sheltered from the world all of their lives. Two tell your husband to get a grip on himself and learn how to deal with emotions or else your relationship is going to fall apart too. After all he is the father figure and needs to be part of the hard stuff as much as the easy stuff.After all men aren't there just to play with the kids. THey have to learn to be involved too. Yes tough love is tough but it is needed. I remember I made it abundantly clear to my parents that once I hit 18 they no longer could control me. Thus that exactly is what your daughter is trying to prove to you. Obviously she has felt to controlled especially if your the type of parent that makes decisions for her. How are they supposed to learn about the consequences of a bad choice if you don't let them learn on their own. Yes you can give advice but you can't run their lives. Yes it is your house so as long as she lives there yes she should adhere to your rules. But she is old enough to choose not to come home for a night. I understand you want to keep a close relationship with your kids but sometimes parents can be sufforcating. Privacy is a issue for many parents to learn to give their children but eventually you will learn that without it you push kids away more than keep them close. so good luck and hopefully you can talk to your daughter about the issues in an adult to adult conversation instead of parent to child lecture.

This is going to be hard to hear but let her live her own life, make her own decisions, etc. as long as it is not interfering with the health and safety of other household members, it is ok. It sounds like you regret what happened in the first part of your life, DON'T.. life happens and what happened yesterday makes you who you are today, let her set her own path, it is hard to bite your tongue, but she is a big girl and she will figure it out, your job now should be acting as a support and as a shoulder with very little advice lots of hugs. I was a teenage mom, got married young had many children (5) and now am at another part of my life that may or may not lead to divorce. I do not regret any part of my life because I chose it, it wasn't chosen for me, choosing for yourself is really what leads to less regret and more happiness, if you choose something that wasn't great the only person you have to look back at is yourself it is a very freeing feeling. Moan and groan to your friends (that she will never see) tell EVERYONE ELSE what you think she should do and sit back and watch the show, it may not always be the best to watch but I bet that it will have a decent ending. (Trust yourself that you raised her right)
Good Luck
A.

Hello K.,

I feel your pain. My daughter is 19 going on 35. I don't know about your daughter, but mine didn't like school and I managed to talk her into college. Big mistake! She would only go to a college two states away and ended up flunking out. Fortunately, the loans are in her name, a condition I made for the TX college. I did co-sign.

She is now living with her fiancee in a one bedroom apartment with very little furniture and a waitress job. These are her decisions and I accept them as such. The lines of communication are always open between us and she calls me everyday. Sometimes she even asks for my advise. I have the luxury of also being friendly with her finacee. He also calls to discuss things and get my opinion - something he does not do with his own mother.

My advise to you is give your daughter her wings - when she soars then your heart will soar with her. But when she falls (and she will!) be there with an open mind and, even more importantly, with an open heart.

D.

i would sit down and have the sex/abstinence talk with her. There is great value to waiting; and unless her boyfriend wants to marry her, no way. Surf the web for abstinence education for a good suggested way to talk to her about it. Does he love her enough to want to commit to her and a baby? It is too easy for him to start using her as an object; she deserves better. You have been through this. You are only looking out for her best success in life. So few teens have a parent who is willing to pay for a college education and provides the complete support that you are. She is blessed! Good Luck - you are a good mom!!

I am sure that it is hard to 'let go' but technically she is an adult and is responsible for her (good/bad) decisions. Believe me, she will make bad ones and will eventually realize that you are there for her and know what you are talking about. If you don't want her staying at her boyfriends house then you might let her move out and figure out things weren't so bad living with you in the first place. Good luck.

by always controlling her life and not letting her make her own choices, she will never mature. She should have been taught cause and effect as she was growing in the safety of your home. She is legally an adult, should not be allowed to live in your home at your expense. and anytime you lecture, that just causes more distance and resentment. You have raised her, you can still tell her you disapprove of her living with or spending the night with her boyfriend. then leave the final decision up to her. Pray and let her grow.

K.,
I have read some of the posts and everyone has good advice. Here's my one cent on the matter. You are the only one who knows your daughter. Take what you know about her and how she reacts to your conversations and talk to her as an adult not a child. I can tell you from experience that my mother and I did not get along until I was in my late twenties and there were many instances where I think things could have been done differently. I moved out while she was at work and she drove up to me carrying out my last box. It was horrible and I left due to the "if you're in my house you live by my rules". Well my solution was then I won't live in your house and you won't be able to get a hold of me since I did not tell her where I moved. It took a lot to get us talking and now I have my own family and talk to her about almost everything. I have a daughter who is almost three and have decided to make her boyfriends my guests to get to know them and make sure she doesn't date losers to just get back at me or her father (I did that and ended up with a stalker). When she is old enough to know about life she will learn about birth control AND waiting until she meets someone who will wait for her. I would rather know more than I want to than not knowing anything at all. I lived by lies and a prayer; to myself, my mother and God. Work with her in making life decisions. So if not college, then what?? If you live at home, how can you and her make it work for everyone?? If she moves out with her current boyfriend and something happens, can she move back home or is this it?? Start teaching her for the next step in life. The fact that her decisions will start being permanent and life changing. There is a net to catch her if you want but that net won't always be there. How do you want her to experience that. With your opinion and advice on board, or with you looking on from the sidelines as she tries to figure out everything on her own. In the end make sure that she feels loved and that you will always be her mother. Goodm luck and God bless. I look forward to reading that everything worked out!! :-)

Kim I understand about teenagers. I would also like to show you how you can make money and stay at home with your kids. We have many realtors on our team that are making more than what they did before.

I would love to share with you. www.livefamilydreams.com

Some times being a mom is hard and to let go and when they make their mistakes it is hard and we hurt inside. But I have found they think they know it all. I will be praying for your situation. Look forward in keeping in touch and become friends.

D.

Ok, the first thing that really stands out to me here is that you can't talk to your husband about things that are emotionally important to you? What's up with that? The other is that your other kids are so much younger, obviously your second family. Does your daughter feel that she is a part of this new family? She is a young adult and it is time for her to make her own mistakes. No it's not ideal, but what is her other option? How is her life in your home?