Hello all,
I've been wanting to post a question regarding my MIL for so long, but figured I'd gotten enough advice from others' posts and replies. Today blew things over...today was my son's 1st bday party, and she showed up. While she was here, she ignored me the ENTIRE time, even when I spoke to her. My hubby thinks that's ok and she did nothing wrong. Here's the thing. We've always gotten along (8 yrs) until recently when she started makin' things up that NEVER happened...she stopped talkin to me back in Jan cuz according to her, starting in Oct. I started giving her attitude and she didn't understand why. But she never talked to me about any of these things until recently. She said I said things I did not ever say, gave her dirty looks, etc. Which is CRAZY!! I have ALWAYS been nice to her. She pulled a stunt like this with my husband not long ago (where she was upset with him because she thought he was ignoring her, when in actuality he started working more hours and thus didn't call as often...it went on for months, and I was in the middle of it!) So one day I asked her when this was going to stop, and she said "when u apologize." I asked her, "for what?" because I honestly did not know what I did. And that's just it- I didnt do anything wrong! She is VERY demanding of others to help her - drop everything and do as she wants, and then bitches about it, putting u down while you're helping her then complaining after that u did something wrong (or whatever else). I tried talking to her, and even sent an apology email to her, "giving in" and compromising my dignity in order to make peace. I even said maybe it was cuz I was emotional due to nursing (my cousin's suggestion). She replied back with lies, accusations, and attacking me as a mother, saying I could barely handle my own - this was when we were going to try to foster/adopt our niece. Needless to say she has actually let that creep (my brother in law) back in her life so she has someone to do her housework for her, since my husband works 60+ hrs a wk. Anyway 2 wks ago I tried inviting her over for Mem. Day BBQ, and she started harrassing me and yelling at me over the phone. I went to her house shortly after, crying and with 3 of her grandkids in tow (11, 2 1/2, and 1), and she had the nerve to tell me to knock off my fake bull#$&!, swear and yell at me while I continued to try and resolve things, crying the whole time. Finally she told me, "Go Home," and I couldnt take her puts downs and insults any more, so I told her, "Go to hell," and as I'm gettin in my car and pullin away, she's yellin and laughing at me while I'm crying, and I say, "You're a f*ing psycho!" and break down crying after that for 2 hrs. My husband doesnt believe me that I was respectful and didnt swear at her or yell at her the entire time (until the end comment, of course)! Today she shows up unannounced and comes in, doesnt even look at me or talk to me, even when I talk to her. My husband felt it was ok for her to be there, and even though I said I didnt feel comfortable with her in my home, he didnt care. He refused to say anything to her. I didnt want to ruin my son's first birthday. He saw I was upset. After the party was over I talked with him, and it became an argument. So I called her and said, "you had one heck of a nerve showing up today unannounced ("I was INVITED!" - mind u this was BEFORE she flipped on me), and how dare her disrespect me in my own home. I said Until matters are resolved she is not allowed in my home (she yelled, "HES MY SON!!") I said that doesnt mean you can come into our home and treat me that way. She called back, yellin on the answering machine at my husband about me. She is NUTS!!! The biggest problem here is my husband and I, and our relationship is already suffering. I feel so helpless because I have no one to talk to and my own man wont even protect or support me. I am beginning to realize that he acts a LOT like her, and I can't deal with such toxic people in my life. My husband refuses to work though things and I have nowhere to go, being a SAHM with no income right now, and no family to help.(I dont want a divorce, but it seems like nothing is working. His mom is not our only problem, of course). AM I right for feeling the way I do?? I have bent over backwards to be nice to her, only for her to destroy things like this. And how do I help my husband to see what's really going on? I'm not asking him to side with me and stop talking to his mother, but I feel he needs to respect my feelings and look out for me.
Thanks to any of you with advice to give...
Hey everyone, thanks so much for all the feedback. Much of what u had to say I already knew but needed to hear from others (for validation that I'm not crazy, I suppose). I am going to a counselor tomorrow to talk about my marriage and hope my husband will join me for the next meeting. Since I posted this, the very next day my BIL (who's suddenly back in MIL's life and spending a LOT of time w/her) called my house and threatened me to 'stop speaking to her like that or I'd be having a visitor'. And then she sent me a typed letter in the mail, no return address (as if I didnt recognize the handwriting on the envelope), which basically puts me down in order to build herself up. She outright calls me "nasty, vindictive, and unable to handle everyday issues," and tells me that I do not grocery shop, cook, clean, or even do laundry by myself and that I have "practically nothing to do." Oh, and that she is sorry that her son is so unhappy that he "finds his only relief in working longer hours." To top it off, she has the audacity (insanity?) to claim that that she's "been the bigger person thru out this entire ordeal with you." Call me crazy, but isn't the bigger person the one who tries to resolve the conflict by talking calmly and openly, face to face, and asking that we come to a resolution for the sake of the kids? Hmmm, I wonder who did that...
She stopped in to my husband's work today and asked him if he was done with her (since he refused to answer the phone or call her back when she kept calling after my son's bday party, and hasn't called or talked to her since). He "has no issue with her" and "doesnt care" about any of this. Oh, and we weren't invited to 2 other family members' parties coming up in the next few weeks (his cousins' kids' bday parties), so I guess we're being excluded now cuz of her. So my husband says I need to resolve this with her, and I explained that I tried. And, after all that, and now this letter - I'm sorry to say, but I simply cannot allow toxic people to continue to poison my life. So, I don't know what will happen from this point on, but I'm trying. I welcome any further advice, and appreciate your support.
Dont end a marriage please that breaks my heart its ok live with it keep the marriage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Really!
I think you and your husband need counseling. And I would stop reaching out to the MIL. If she does call, be as pleasant as you can. If she starts arguing and being disrespectful, tell her you will have her son call her and hang up. Or don't answer the phone if you know it's her. I do that with my husband's toxic sister all the time. I see her # on the caller ID and don't pick up.
I agree with the other poster that the MIL sounds mentally ill. I'm sure your husband won't want to hear that, but maybe he needs to take his mom in for an evaluation. But, your husband should be at least hearing you out and respecting your feelings. It sounds like he's dismissing you, which is why I suggest counseling. If he doesn't go - you should go by yourself.
good luck
I have to laugh because my second husband and his entire family was just like this. It was really hard to keep from laughing in their faces! Keep your sanity and laugh at the drama. It has taken me 43 years to come to terms with my own dysfunctional family. They try their best to get me to show some anger and play their stupid games. I think what would be best for you is to read some self help books. You really can't do a whole lot about the dysfunction they are showing but you can make yourself strong!! I love the different philosophies of Dr. Phil. I read the books and then I start loving them more each day.
Let your husband and his mother enjoy themselves. Obviously, he has grown up like this and sees no problem with it. I would not mention any more things concerning the drama to your husband. By the way, I do feel that a husband should support his wife but it ain't gonna happen. Often times men just like to brush things under the rug and hope they will go away. You might start looking into on-line classes or different things so you can feel more self sufficient and if you get tired of dealing with the constant drama then you can feel like you are in a stronger financial position.
Dr. Phil does say "Get rid of all the toxic people in your life!" I have and it feels so much better!
Of course you're reasonably upset about this crazy situation, and of course you reasonably want your husband's support in dealing with his mother. Being reasonable or right won't necessarily get you what you want, however.
Whether or not this woman is actually unbalanced, since she seems to make things up to get what she needs, she may simply be doing what "works." She knows from years of trial and error what gets her what she thinks she wants. So sad; I'm sure she's not a happy person, people around her become unhappy, and it sounds like her manipulations are getting more desperate in an attempt to prompt some sort of compliance from others.
You have a few choices. One is to leave the marriage, and I can't say whether that would be the best option or not, because there are too many details that simply can't be conveyed in your request. But you seem to be considering that, so maybe it will be what works best for you and your child.
A possibly easier and more satisfying solution is to disengage from your MIL's hooks. She's got you and is playing you, and even has you stooping to her level to get back at her. How exciting for her! She gets the drama that she apparently craves, she gets to prove that you are (pick whatever she'd say) immature / unworthy / unbalanced / bitchy / selfish / disrespectful / inconsiderate…. She gets her son to side with her. She gets to influence your son through your conditioned reactions to her.
So, disengage. Don't react. Go into your higher, more sensible self and just watch all the drama floating around. From that viewpoint, it will all look pretty silly. She says you're a (whatever)… does that make it true? It only becomes true if you react as she hopes you will. So don't react. Smile at her silliness, feel compassion for her unhappiness, shrug at her manipulations. Shock the socks off of her. Enjoy your new strength. Breath.
Finally, I have found a communication technique called Non-Violent Communication to be a practical and positive tool for increasing the respect and understanding in any relationship. This could help your husband understand your legitimate needs. And it could eventually help you with your MIL. You can google this for descriptions, examples, books, videos, and classes. Though only one person using it can shift a difficult relationship, my husband and I have both learned this effective process, and found it transformational in our understanding of ourselves, as well.
Marriage counseling.
Your MIL is toxic and she makes things up, so she will never change.
Your Husband may never change and he does not support you as a Husband.
Yes, you have a right to feel that way. I would go nuts too.
Next, its really not a good example for your son... he will learn 'bad' dynamics about relationships/socialization/family and HIS role in life. He may turn out just like them... or better. But you can't predict that... but the environment and parenting has a lot to do with it.
I don't know that you can 'convince' your Husband of anything... because he sees nothing wrong with it. It is their sense of what is right and wrong... and their beliefs. Which differs from yours. They have different values... and constructs about decency.
I don't know what to tell you... but your child will be exposed to all of this... good or bad... and whether you stay with your Husband or not.
Divorcing can make things worse too... for the CHILD. But living in a bad environment/marital relationship can harm a child too. Over time.
You said you've always gotten along (8 years) until one day MIL started making things up about you and making trouble.
... is she elderly? Suffering from any kind of Dementia? Other mental problems or anything?
Why the sudden change in her personality and treatment toward you????
If she has mental/medical issues... "you" cannot "fix" her. Don't try.
AND your Husband has to deal with her.
Don't let her come over.
How was life for the past 8 years between you and Hubby and before MIL started making trouble????
Seems like a ton of back-story here... and other issues.
But your Husband, as you said, refuses to work on anything.
So well, will he even try marital counseling????
Can you both even talk about your relationship rationally and adult like?
Why does he go against you? Ask him.
He does not show any respect to you.... etc.
I don't have any answers... I am sorry you are going through this.
all the best,
Susan
'
Your MIL is a psycho and your hubs a wimp! Sorry to be so blunt. Tell hubs from this point on your MIL is his responsibility. If he doesn't want to back you up or speak to her then he can see her at HER house he can deal with her without you. The problem of course is he'll want to bring the kids to see his mom, you really can't stop him. But you need your sanity so tell him in no uncertain terms she is not to come into your house. If hubs throws the "This is my house and she is my mom" guilt at you, you can say "your job as a husband is to stand by your wife and love and support her" since you can't do this job well then I don't have to bend to your will and let her in" PERIOD. What is it with men and their moms? They talk all tough and can't even stand up to them when deep down they know she is dead wrong. If you think you and hubs have other issues that is pushing you to think of leaving, counseling is your only bet. But until then never say what you wrote to us to him, that your are a SAHM therfore depend on him. If he has an inkling that you would be terrified to leave him because you think you can't make it on your own, he will bulldoze you into having his way. I wish you the best of luck and stay away from MIL she is toxic!!!
Stop the fighting and crying. Ignore her back.
Smile and breathe.
Give your husband some hot kisses and love on him.
Because you and your husband are fighting, you want a divorce?
C'mon, for better or worse REMEMBER. = )
This will pass.
Wow sounds like a lot to deal with - sorry you had to go through this. I agree about not wanting her in your house, but you have to get your hubby to agree. Tell him that you are done with her but that he can take your son over there to see her. If she wants to come over, and he doesn't fight it, tell him that you will leave while she is there. If you really want your marriage to remain intact, you and your husband need to resolve the issues between the two of you - I suggest counseling. Explain to him that you are not seeing eye to eye and maybe someone outside of your family can offer insight. She does have a lot of nerve but it sounds like she's rulled her life by bullying and that is what she's doing to you. I would not invite her to any other family function but if she shows up, ignore her. Don't go out of your way to talk to her or be nice. If she talks to you, reply and leave it at that. she wants to start a fight with you it seems and seems to enjoy getting a rise out of you. Don't let her do that!
I would be more upset with my husband than my MIL if I were you. You & your hubby need some marriage counseling right away!
Do not allow this woman to hold this much power over you!
Did she treat his ex wife this way?
