Ill try to make this short. My daughter has a friend from school who we used to have playmates with. He is very bright, but not disciplined very well. His Mom is very sweet and kind and doesn't see his behavioral problems. She looks at it as simply boy behavior. We have stopped all playmates because he is aggressive with her. She asks him to back off and he doesn't. I gave in to her request to invite him to her birthday party last year...that was a disaster! She has asked to invite him to her party this year. My husband and I have talked about it, and have decided not to invite him. I don't know how to handle it with his mom if she asks, or if he asks my daughter about it. I don't want to hurt her feelings, and I am a terrible liar. Anyone else been through this?
A few notes to add. I am not planning on any play dates with him. And his Mom is often with him. I do lay down the rules with kids when they come to my house, but he is beyond that. And I don't think she would ask why her son wasn't invited, but what we are doing to celebrate. This is an ongoing problem to the point where I will request that they be in separate classrooms next year. The parents have been informed by the school if his behavior and have recomended he get evaluated and she was offended and thought that was ridiculous.
I have run into this issue as well.
Gotta say, you are not doing that mom or the little boy any favors by trying to protect their feelings.
Time to be upfront and honest.
Maybe the mother should be evaluated instead of the child. If this behavior is ok with her, then he thinks its ok. Not his fault for being brought up without any direction. And if this child was in my home, he would only last a minute. I never did tolerate kids who acted up in my house, parent there or not I would make it known to her that this is unacceptable behavior.
Funny that you apologize for being a bad liar. Be proud, not ashamed, and don't lie. Lying is an immature act to avoid a difficult situation. An adult is honest. That teaches your children how to handle these situations. The boy is a disruption, plain and simple. You can remind your daughter about what happened before so she can tell him why he wasn't invited, you can tell his mom that you're sorry but he was too disruptive last year, or you can invite him (my personal choice). Meet him at the door, take him aside for a private talk, and tell him that you're glad he could come because your daughter considers him a special friend, and you know he can behave better this year. Don't be afraid to speak to him firmly, and let him know you will call his mom to come and get him, if necessary. If she stays for the party, don't be afraid to remind HIM at the first sign of a problem, and if he continues, ask her (quietly) to take him home. It's not unreasonable, and if you stand up once, that's usually all it takes. You set the rules at your house, and those who don't follow them should not be welcome. Good luck. It's up to you to see that he doesn't ruin her party, whatever method you choose. Just don't lie to take the easy way out---you send the wrong message to your daughter, and it doesn't solve the problem---it just puts it off until the next time.
If you've already stopped inviting him for playdates, isn't it unlikely that the Mom would have the gall to up and ask you why no birthday party invite? Seriously, I would NEVER ask a parent "why did my child not get invited?" to a party. That is so rude. No one owes anyone else an invite to anything, and birthday parties are all over the board with how people choose to celebrate. If she DOES ask, you can and should be honest about her son's behavior without labeling him. Something like, "well, at last year's party, he did x, y, and z, and although our DD would have liked to invite him, DH and I decided against inviting him because we are aiming for a quieter event this year" Tell your daughter not to talk about her birthday party with him, or at school, or with mixed company, so as not to hurt anyone's feelings. If he does find out and ask her, she can say "sorry, I wanted to invite you, but because of x, y, and z at last year's party, my parents said no.
We had to "unfriend" a girl who would seriously physically bully our DD when she got angry. Sad, because when she wasn't angry, they had a great time together. However, this anger-aggression-sorry-I'm your best friend cycle repeated over and over numerous times, and finally we just said ENOUGH! My dd was sad when we said no more playdates, ever. But she quickly got busy making other friends. Flash forward a few years later, DD says, you know, "X is really a bully. She purposely steps on my heals and other people's at school and then says "oops, sorry! real snotty and fake. She now understands why we ended things for good, and does not have any desire to go back to an unhealthy "friendship" Her current friends play nicely with no anger/aggression issues, and she much prefers that over all the drama.
I would go for the blunt approach myself. If this were me I would explain that even though she considers her sons behavior to be "normal" for a boy, that I find it overly aggressive, and I will not subject my daughter to it, because the result will eventually be that she will believe that it is OK for boys to behave in a violent manner just because they are boys. As far as I'm concerned it's an excuse to not have to discipline. If the mother of that child doesn't do something about his behavior NOW, he will also learn that it is OK, he will believe that men are supposed to be aggressive and he will grow into a violent adult. And yes just pushing, and not stopping when asked is one factor in how boys grow into men end up violent.
You better hurt her feelings before her son turns into a pariah. He's a bully and socially inept. She had better wake up.
You have nothing to lose by telling her. You might do her son a great service if she takes half of what you say to heart.
I used to feel a responsibility to explain and try to help the other M. understand there is a problem. I totally would want to know if there was a problem with my child.
Even when she seem to understand, these typses of moms think about it and decide nothing is wrong, make excuses, and blame others. Unless she is a good friend and you have a heart for her, I would not feel like you have to explain or help her to see the light.
I agree with 3my2girls--you need to have an honest talk with the mom.
You also need to be honest with your daughter. Remind her about the problem at last year's party. If she puts up a fight, maybe try this: Tell her you'll invite him over a playdate in the next week or two, and if he can behave at the playdate, then he can come to the party (that is at least giving him a chance, but also showing your daughter that you're fair).
Do sit down with the mom, separately, and explain about last year. Tell her that you are not trying to hurt her, but that if it were your kid, you would want someone to sit you down & let you know.
Sort of. My husband and I just broke off a similar situation with a couple who have a child our son's age. The difference is that their child is a special needs child, and his parent's are in denial about his condition.
We were saddened to end our friendship, but it was not a healthy environment for our child. You have to be willing to stand up for what you believe is right, and let the cards fall where they may.
Be as honest as your heart allows, but only if she brings it up. I would not make a special phone call to explain why he's not invited. Good luck.
Honesty is the best policy (if you get asked at all). Just tell his mother that he plays rougher than you are comfortable with. But do give her the opportunity to ask if he can come if she promises to work on his behavior before the party and commits to a zero tolerance policy. Meaning, if he breaks some clearly stated behavior rule (Remember, I said no pushing in my house.) then mom will immediately bring him home.
The caveat to all this is of course: Have you ever given mother and son clearly stated rules about how things work in your house? Have you flat out told him in front of his mother, "Billy, Betsy asked you to stop. If you do not stop doing XYZ right now, you have to go home."?
You could go middle road and say you decided it's all girls or almost all girls and laughingly say 'and since you know "johnny" can be a terror at parties, we think he'd be too much for the girls!' If she acts surprised, say "oh, I'm sorry, but do you remember last year when he did xyz? We're making it a quieter party this year." See how she reacts. Maybe it'd be an opportunity to open her eyes a bit if she seems receptive.
You and I live right by each other! Since I tend to avoid confrontation I would probably tell her that this year's party is for family only. Or maybe since your DD is getting older she's now having parties with just girls. Nicely deflect the situation as opposed to "your kid is a raving brat that's why" LOL
You could take the combo approach:
Tell her that he is "a little more aggressive than the other kids who are being invited and that it wouldn't make for a good mix". You could throw in that the other invitees are mostly girls (if they are). That might give her a heads up about his behavior (which she probably won't pick up on, but most parents are blind to their own kids' poor behavior anyway.. so even if you were blunt, she'd probably discount it and just take it personally); but at the same time doesn't make her child a "bad" child... just not compatible with the majority of the other guests.
I am not sure how bad he misbehaves but have you disciplined him? Or explained to him that he cannot act like that while he is at your house or while he is playing with your child or any other child for that matter. I have not been in this situation before but I have read that 80% of women have disciplined someone else's child before -- so your not alone if you do.
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Could you only invite girls to the party and if asked just say it was an all girl party this time?
well not exactly but after the first time the kids are at my house and if they are that much of a problem they are not going to be invited back.
my have 3 kids. my oldest had a friend that was rude to my younger two kids in my house. i dont need that. that kid is not coming in my house to tell my other child he has to leave the room not asking him nicely TELLING HIM. where does he get off?
