What's the Best Way to End a Relationship with Your Spouse??

M.,
I would suggest you contact the Sanctuary in NYC, they help women who have a abusive relationship with their spouse. That would be a good start. I am a mom and therpaist NYC. -B.

Give both of you this out: if he also goes through therapy you will consider getting back together. You never know - you two were affectionate one time!

My sister-in-law just remarried her x !

I know you're getting a lot of advice about leaving as quickly as possible but I wanted to offer an alternative suggestion as unpopular as it may be. Please keep in mind I don't know the severity of what you're going though and only you can make the judgement call on what's appropriate.
First, you know your husband best. Is he just a nasty guy who doesn't care what's right or wrong? Or is he, like you, the product of bad examples and doing what comes naturally? If the latter is the case, I would tell him, in no uncertain terms, that hitting you is completely unacceptable. I would tell him that he must either start seeing a therapist immediately and learning the right way to be a husband and father, or, you and your daughter will leave. If he chooses to learn and grow, I recommend you and he see a therapist individually and also as a couple.
Affection between spouses comes and goes. But it gets a good burst when you're learning something together. If your husband is a good guy at his core, your marriage is worth saving. But only you can make that call. And you were right, your daughter does deserve two parents; two healthy parents.
Those same resources you're asking about for single-parent support are also available for building healthy families. Sometimes, simply knowing something is wrong is not enough to stop you from doing it when it's the only way you know. I recommed seeing if your husband is willing to learn a different way.
If you know your husband really is just a nasty guy at his core, then disregard what I've said and just leave.
Listen to yourself and trust your judgement.

My daughter's father and I split up when she was 8 months. Even though it was best for all three of us, it was still hard. From the minute we split up, we made the decision that we were going to try as hard as we could to get along for Mara's sake, especially because his parents were divorced and openly hated each other (his mom still says awful things of his dad, and his dad passed away a year ago suddenly from a brain tumor).

There have been some set-backs. We tried not to go to court, but he was hardly giving me and money at all. He threatened to take her away when he was upset one day, so I had to go through court. The hardest time was then. Now that court is over, the money gets taken out of his pay and put into my account, and neither of us have to do anything.

I truly believe that in time, we will be friends again, and we will be able to get along like we used to. But there are so many ways that feelings get hurt in these situations, so expect it to be difficult but don't give up.

ALSO expect your daughter to need time to adjust. Mara started waking up 5-6 times a night after we moved out. But now she sleeps through the night like an angel. Try to keep her new room as similar as possible- same paintings, crib, toys, etc. As many constants (most importantly yourself) that she has, the easier it will be. And at that age, they will sense if something is wrong. As hard as it is to keep it together, just look into her eyes and smile. And then burst into tears the moment she falls asleep. At this age, they will think everything is okay, as long as you are allowing them to.

Good luck with everything. I am sorry that I do not know more as far as resources go. If you need ANYTHING at all, just want to vent or talk or anything, please let me know. Send me a message. And I am not just saying that. I had no one, so I completely understand how tough it can be.

M. -

Anyone who hits the mother of his child/wife is not "lovely". Bravo to you for choosing to get out. He's abusive, and you and your daughter deserve to be in a loving, supportive environment. (Please see the post from Karin. She took the words out of my mouth!) While it may be ideal for a child to have both parents, this is NOT the case if one parent is abusive. Your daughter will model the primary relationship she sees - that of her parents. If you stay with an abusive partner, she will grow up thinking this is acceptable and seek out the same.

I speak from experience. I left an abusive partner when my daughter was 3 months old. Initially, it was very difficult, on many levels. But it was the best choice I could have ever made. If you'd like to talk more about my "getting out" process, and what life has been like as a single, working mom, please feel free to email me at ____@____.com the best to you.

I can't relate to your situation but I have a friend who is going through this. As an accountant I would advise you to get your finances in order before you make any indication that you are leaving. Try to figure out what assets you have, how much you both earn, how much debt you are in and if there are any bank accounts/credit cards/investments you are not aware of. (Get a credit report for both of you if possible. All credit card accounts will show). You have to be extremely educated about your finances before you start the process. Otherwise, you can easily find yourself in the poorhouse.

R.

This may not be the advice you are seeking but i think that divorcing him without at least discussing the issue is a little rash. I DO NOT THINK a husband should EVER hit his wife (or visa versa), but at the same time, you need to deal with it, not just give up or run away from it. Did you discuss it the first time it happened?
I do think that it's never a bad thing to have a backup plan. i like what the previous post said about getting your finances in order if you're considering this. and also having somewhere you and the baby can go if you need to get out quick after talking to him. You know him better than us, is he someone likely to get angry by even talk of divorce? or is he more open and willing to talk about it calmly? At least discussing it with him may open his eyes and make him realize he needs help.
Of course there is no affection. If you are at a point of considering divorce there is strain to the marriage and its usually hard at times like that to feel anything. I've had enough friends at that point to see how it can be. My grandparents were married for a zillion years before my grandma passed away and their marital advice was that some days or months you're just going to want out, but when that happened to them, they worked at it and brought their marriage where it was when it started. marriage is not always effortless, and it is possible to get the affection back. This is a HUGE life changing decision for all 3 of you. Just weigh your options very very heavily!

My parents split when I was 18. It was a messy, but much needed divorce. I have immense respect for you. This decision is not an easy one, and the fact that you have not made it in anger is incredible. It isn't going to be easy, but it is the right thing to do for you and your daughter. No woman deserves to be hit. I wish I knew of some place that you could go. I just want to wish you lots of luck on this very important next step in your journey.
R. F.

Is it possible that you still love this person? It sounds like your husband has an anger management problem. With therapy this can be successfully treated. I do not think you or
your child should live in an abusive or violent home. But perhaps you need not end the marriage if there is still love and a desire to work through the problems. Perhaps he needs to leave for awhile and deal with his problems and prove to you that he is willing to put the work into soving his issues. Does he understand that he has a problem? That is the first step. Perhaps with good friends, family and personal councelling you can resolve this without ending your marriage. But I agree where there is no change there can be no growth
and the marriage will fail. But first for the sake of your child make sure you have both taken every possible step to secure your marriage before you call it quits. Then at least
you'll know you've done all you could.

M.,
So sorry to hear about your situation. While I don't have any advice on how to end the relationship with kids involved, I do have a suggestion about a support group in NYC. The best support group I have ever had is my church, in Greenwich Village. www.villagechurchnyc.com
We also have a mom's group that meets on Wed. mornings for any mom, and we have a couple of single mom's that attend. Hope that helps!
~S.

Hi M.,
First of all, what is your husband's response to you wanting to end the marriage? Does he get angry? And how badly were you hurt when he hit you. I do think that you need to do a couple of things first. If you can agree to separate for the purpose of getting help and you should both be seeking counseling, separately and together.
Another question I have is is there someone else in the picture for you or him? That is quite often the case.
But your goals if they are mutual, should be to learn to communicate better and to understand each other and to learn to control his anger. And to love each other for better or worse. Unless your are in danger and you feel he will not change.
Or if there has been unfaithfulness in your marriage and you are not willing to work it out.
I know I sound old fashioned but God has a plan for you and your family. If will turn to God He can help you in your marriage and how do I know this? I have been married for 27 years and in that time have considered divorce maybe twice, but God has helped us and we have in times past gotten counseling and most important we have trusted that the Bible, God's word is true and learned to apply it to our lives and our marriage. Not easy but blessing comes from Him and that is what God wants for you and your family.
So before ending the relationship, unless you are in immediate danger, seek help, call out to God and then to a professional counselor. Call a prayer hotline to speak with someone. I know in NYC area, Time Square Church and the Brooklyn Tabernacle are 2 places you can call and they will direct you in sincerity for your good.
May God protect you and keep you and I pray that in 27 years you will be a family who can say, God has been good and that your little one will grow up to have both parents in her life and she will be able to say, God is good to me.
M.

M.,

I have read through the responses and I am amazed at how many women believe you should work things out! There is no reason to work things out in this situation. I was hit by an ex-boyfriend once, because I broke up with him sensing his anger issues. NEVER again! You have already given him one too many chances. A couple of women suggested that because you had something before these "occurrances" you can counsel yourselves to health... simply RIDICULOUS! Of course you had something before, don't we all? How else would you get together? You say he's lovely and you admire him, but what exactly about his hitting you was lovely or admirable?

People tend to think that their abusive significant others are lovely because they are very good at putting on a "show" for the sole purpose of making you think there is reason to stay and be controlled. They seek out people that are easily convinced and naive. I am sure you can find other signs in your relationship that demonstrate his "temper". You even say that there is no affection.

Your instinct is telling you what you need to do. Follow it. I agree with another response - leave now and strategize later. The only reason not leave is if you have no one to stay with, or you have no money of your own or if you can not find a shelter. Stay with close family or a friend that supports you and does not believe in staying in a marraige for the sole purpose of the child. If you love that child (I am sure you do) then you will not allow her mother to be abused. You will show how courageous you are and if and when the time is right, your husband can take part in his child's life. If he believes he has a problem he will do everything he can to make it right. He may not however believe there is anything wrong. You can not worry about that now. He has already crossed the line, twice! This is not baseball, it is your LIFE, and now the life of your daughter as well. You can find counseling without him.

Blessings to you and your child with this decision.

Well, it will not be that easy M., first weigh everything. At this time Are you ready to end your marriage with Him? If the answer is yes, first you need to plan everything, you need to be strong first inside before you set yourself free, Yes find a support group, it will take years for you to be able to adjust but as of now you need to face the challenge. First, you have a small child who needs you for support, so you must find a good job. You need the help of your parents now.

Goodluck M. and GOD BLESS U!

First of all, I want to say how proud I am of you, you are truly a strong woman who does not deserve to be hit and I do admire your will to correct the situation both for you and your daughter.

I would make sure someone is present when you tell him your leaving, so he cannot hit you again during this, or if it has to be you alone, make sure your daughter is not present and you have backup if you need it. Just tell him, you will not stand for this, and even if he pleads it will not happen again, don't believe him, it always does.

I am a little concerned with your wants to co-parent the child still. If he has an abusive pattern, I would recommend setting up visitation rights where the child is always accompanied by someone, for her own safety, and also make visitation pending on his attendance to some sort of anger management program. I know you believe that you baby deserves both parents, which is a good thing, but if one parent is harmful, it may be better to only have one. I say this as having grew up with a horrible father, I do believe in some ways I would have been better off with a single mother.

Good Luck with everything! I cannot offer any advice for NYC single mom's groups, but I know there are a ton out there, try googling it.

Don't work it out and get yourself a good lawyer!! I have a patient that just went thru a divorce and another friend who needed a divorce lawyer so I asked my pt what her lawyer's name was. She wrote me and said:

Hi S.,

Sorry I forgot to send this info to you yesterday.

Karen Rosenthal
Bender, Burrows & Rosenthal LLP
451 Park Avenue South, 8th Floor
New York, New York 10016-7390

###-###-####
____@____.com

Then I asked her if she liked this lawyer and she said:

Yes. She is compassionate, realistic and tough. She works hard to protect her clients. Your friend needs someone who will fight for her on her behalf and obtain every penny she deserves. It will get ugly, so you want someone experienced and strong.

MY pt is not particularly wealthy so I doubt her lawyer's fees are out of this world.

This only happened about 2 weeks ago so this is fresh info. Jump on it. If he hit once, he will always hit again! I think you are very strong but cover your butt! Contact this lawyer and tell them of the situation. I am sure they have heard EVERY senario and can give you more solid advice.

Good luck to you!!!
S.

You should really look into calling a domestic violence hotline. The reason why is because you are not the only one. They already have check lists and plans for every situation you could possibly think of. Because they have already done the homework all you need to do is pick an action plan that best fits your situation. From emergency boxes that are packed and left at strategic locations to helping set up legal help it is a great resource and all you need to do is call 411 to get the number. No one ever should stay in a situation such as yours. I am an advocate for all women who are in such situations. Please don't wait to call. If you have already set your mind to making the steps to leave do it right by having a bullet proof plan that will not only help you but your daughter. They even have support groups that are directly associated with what you are going through. You and your daughter will be in my prayers. DON't WAIT TO CALL.

I think you should talk to a Lawyer first. If he hit you once, you know it will happen again. Not a good behavior. That's a really hard thing. Trust your instincts. You may have to move out when he's not there to avoid a bad confrontation. L.

Dear M.,

God Bless you and your child. You are very couragious to make this decision. But let me assure you it is the right one. You do not want your child to see an unhealthy relationship. Both boys and girls deserve to see healthy, loving relationships so they know how to have them when the time comes. Children need to have happy parents who are apart than unhappy parents who stay together for the sake of them. Good luck.

I think you need to try to work it out with your husband, but with a few ground rules. Since he was probably unaware of your rule "hit me one more time and I'm out", how could he know of the consequence of his action? You may be thinking, how could he not know, but trust me, this is a very real possibility if you never told him outright. Tell him that he cannot ever, ever do it again. Tell him he needs to go to some sort of anger management class...he will need this whether or not you end up together, because he will be spending time with your daughter and you don't want his anger issues to affect her. However, trying to work it out with him is contingent on one very importatnt thing, which I unfortunately do not see in your letter....love for him. I'm not saying you can't be mad, or hate what he did, but if you don't love him and don't want to try to fall in love with him again (that can happen if you work at it, trust me, it happened to me), then you won't be able to stay with him. I know this because my ex husband did not love me anymore and gave up trying to see if he could love me again. In that case, it is better to separate. I don't think you should wait to start therapy for yourself. Your daughter needs you and you must consider yourself a priority. Good luck to you and I hope you find the support you need...there is life after divorce and hope whatever happens is what is best for you.

Hi M.. My name is M. and i was married for 6 years to the biggest jerk out there. We have an 8 year old son together and the best thing i ever did for him was end my marriage. My ex husband cheated, and verbally and mentally abused me. He also started throwing our furniture around the house, (he had some anger issues). Things were really bad but i didnt believe in divorce. We fought all the time and it was not a good environment for my son. One night he picked a fight with me for no reason and left a party that we were both at. I found out later that he was involved with my best friend, the maid of honor in our wedding.
I guess our situations are different, but i'm telling you right now, get out now. Don't put an innocent child through that. I left my husband and went through a two year divorce. It was awfull, but the best thing i ever did. He now lives with my ex friend and i found the love of my life. But all that aside, my son now sees me happy and that is the best feeling in the world to me. Life is too short to be unhappy and worried all the time. I can finnaly take a deep breath again. Life is all about choices, mabey it's time to make one.

Dear M., it sounds like you had a good relationship before those two scary incidents when your husband hit you. I feel the same about that subject. I did leave my husband for different reasons last year and it takes a lot of support from friends mainly. Family members tend to want to keep the status quo. I can tell you about my experience in more detail another time.

Would your husband consider going with you to a counseling session? You can say it's to help you around anger issues (this is where fibbing works in both your favors).

Its' really painful breaking up with someone, and having to share your child with someone you once knew but now don't recognize as the love of your life anymore. I would strongly recommending getting counseling first. It will also buy you some time and some feeling of safety (someone else will know what is happening behind those doors) while you plan your strategy.

saddly i have no advice for you M.. i just wanted to say congrats on getting out-many women stay in these relationships and i just think it is extremely brave of you to do the right thing and get out. anger management doesnt work (i was kicked out because i threw a chair-it was 8 years ago but still it doesnt work!). second chances are great-but not in this situation, twice isnt coincidence (sp i know) its a pattern. it shouldn't matter if you told him hit me again and im gone-hitting you should never have been an option.

i wish you lots of luck,
K.

ps check at a planned parenthood they should have information on support groups and safe houses.

I am so proud of you and your decision. I know you wrote that you are not afraid of your spouse and that's great but you still could use the resources the coalition for Domestic Violence has. That are absolutely a great source of strength and support. I also think therapy is a great idea, (I am a social worker). Follow through with the coalition and good luck!!!!!

You are amazing! So well spoken and so mature about this. YOu absolutely need to prepare before you leave. I didn't and assumed things would be fine (God was with me mentality). Boy was I stupid. God does not want you to be a victim or unrealistic, he wants you to be self-sufficient and clever and to take care of yourself. I don't live in the city, but know of many resources on line if you just punch in the right information. Good luck. I am so incredibly proud of what you are aiming to do and amazed at how clear you are about the whole thing. God Bless.

I don't have any answers for you, per se, but I SOOO admire you. You made up your mind what you will and will not tolerate, and you are 100% right in ending it, sad as it will be. You also aren't stooping to levels of so many other low functioning adults out there, you're not regressing, just systematically doing what you know needs to be done, even going as far as to ask for guidance so you have more options to pick from and see what ought to work best, that's fantastic, more people should model themselves after you, you're a great mom, to set that example for your child!!!!! And I'm sorry, in retrospect, that this is TOTALLY a run-on sentence! LMAO

I see you already got a lot of responses, but I just wanted to add my support too. I think you are so strong and so absolutely right to leave. It may be very hard for you, but if not for yourself, you're doing it for your child too. It is not fair to raise a child viewing that kind of relationship, you most certainly do not want her to grow up thinking this is normal and get herself into a situation like this too someday.
Big hugs to you, and my respect also...

Hi M.,

I agree that you must end your relationship, and my suggestion would be to consult an attorney before bringing up the subject of divorce with your spouse. An attorney can tell you your options and let you know how to best go about protecting your interests and those of your daughter, give you an idea of what a divorce will cost and what type of settlement that you are likely to end up with.

Good luck

Hello M., I’m sorry to tell you girl, but if he hit you the first time and now a second time, it's time to be out. A man that hit his woman does not love at all. That's the picture perfect he wants everyone to see. Believe me, if you go to any one with that, they probably won't believe you and say your going crazy. Be very careful, men tend to make the woman look like something else so they can use it whether if it's in court or police station. You are now providing him with amo to use against you. And, yes, court will come for child support and if you don't get out now, the hit will get worst and police will be involved. Think of your loving Daughter and your well-being. With out you she has nothing. Tell him in a nice but firm way and if that don't work, invole the Authorities. Best of luck to you my sister.

Hi M.

I'd MUCH rather discuss this off of the board, if that's ok.

My personal email is ____@____.com

I think I can offer you sound advice and a listening ear from someone who has been in your situation.

N. in Lodi

You should NEVER accept someone hitting you. The best model you can give your daughter is self-respect. If I were you, I would let your husband know that it upset you very much (him hitting you) and ask him to get help. You can volunteer to go with him or not. You say he's a lovely person but a lovely person would not hurt you - his behavior will only get worse.

You should go to therapy also, it will help you to deal with this situtation. A good counselor can provide you with resources as well - you might start with the YMCA, Jewish family services, Catholic family services, etc. Most of these provide reduced cost therapy (or free) depending on your income.

Good luck!

Do not take too much time. Be sure you have someone to take you out the situation if it turns violent , which it may.I can not stress firmly enough to have everything planned. Someone who has hit you before WILL hit you again.You will be able to co-parent your child, but it will take time and effort once you are safely apart and can communicate on an unemotional level. Please leave before things get worse , they always do.

M.,

My heart goes out to you--you are truly courageous to take the necessary steps to protect yourself AND your daughter.

A wonderful NYC resource is VOW, Voices of Women Organizing (www.vowbwrc.org). This is a phenomenal organization for women who are survivors of domestic violence. Please contact them right away and they will be able to assist you with support, legal referrals, etc.

I am a therapist in private practice in NYC and specialize in working with those who struggle with post traumatic stress (along with eating disorders). If you'd like help finding a therapist, please let me know.

My heart is with you and I wish you only the best.

A.

M.,
GET OUT OF THERE!!! Do not worry about your daughter's relationship with her father. If he hits you he may eventually hit her as well. Find family or a friend to stay with but get out of there. If he hits you he is NOT a "lovely man". This is not a simple divorce situation. This is a matter of your safety and your daughter's. You can plan a course of action later. that could me counseling for all of you but for now stop reading these responses and get the heck out of there! God bless you!
A.

I would leace as soon as I can, I was in an abusive first marriage nad stayed 18 yrs, big mistake. I was afraid I could not financially support my 5 chldren alone but I did. Being pgysically abused is not accepbtable and very dangerous, plesae get out right away.

S.

whoa! im so sorry. first of all, i was in a relationship where i was hit too, and did the same thing (2nd time, i left).... but no kid was involved. i think, maybe, figure out for yourself the good things and bad abotu him (i like to list, it helps me to see it). if there's nothing horrible on the bad side except this, perhaps you want to let him know that you need to take a break for x amount of months and that, if he hasnt gone to therapy or a men's group for people who want to stop hitting or whatever by then, youre not coming back? because it sounds like you really want to have him as a father for your daughter if he wasnst abusive, and that it is not at all constant. again, i advocate leaving him, but maybe the middle step is to tell him you will leave him unless he works on it.... i wish you so much luck. and yes there are amazing single moms. if you want more info email me: (____@____.com).

Oprah had a show on just this issue two/three weeks ago. She has listed the steps on how to leave. I advise you to go onto oprah.com and follow the steps to get out of this destructive relationship. Most mothers stay in the relationship for the sake of the child/children but all is does is destroy the family. Bravo to you for recognizing the seriousness of the situation and wanting to get out. If you stay it will only get worse. There are a lot of resources out there and Ophra's website is a great place to start. Stay strong - it will be tough in the beginning but will eventually get easier. You and your daughter deserve a happy life - not one of fear. I will keep you in my prayers. R.

okay, worst rthing to do is take it slow. Don't worry so much about the future of the co-parenting. You don't know how he is going to take all of this. The longer you take to get out the worse it will be and less likely for you to go. You need to move fast and go straight to court for support and/or joint custody. He will probably take this poorly and may take it out on the baby. You have to feel out the situation, but after you go for full custody because HE WILL try to go for custody to hurt you. Don't worry about being friends. Worry about the you and the baby. Once an abuser always an abuser. It will only get worse and he will turn on your daughter. It isn't worth the risk.

Hi M.,
You stated you needed to go to therapy to work out some of your issues..before ending your marriage, would he be willing to go to therapy also?

is there anywhere for you to go? like with family or a friend? if so, i would talk to them about getting things set up at their place, then tell him that you just aren't happy and/or comfortable being there right now. don't make it seem like it's a forever thing. i was on the verge of leaving my husband (completely different reasons) but i had the added stress of HIS family...i WAS living with his parents, so THEY were my excuse to get out. i was having break-downs daily and just up and moved in with my family. he comes here just about daily (after work) to spend time with our daughter, and does what he can to still support us (we decided the moment i knew i was prego that i was going to be a SAHM).
it is a little rough, but our relationship has changed a little bit for the better since i've left. it's still a struggle, but we do get along a little bit better (definitely not nearly as much fighting as when i lived with him).
one thing, from the beginning, before we got married, we made a 'verbal contract' to stay friends if things were to ever not work out, whether there were any children involved or not. and he's made mention of this MANY times since i've left. it's been nearly 2 months since i've left and he keeps telling me that if i'm happier without him, we can get divorced, even the last fight we had, when we both were screaming divorce, he reminded me that we would still be friends. also, in the beginning i did tell him that if he EVER hit me, not only would i kick his a$$, but he'd have to deal with my family AND i would immediately file for divorce, that is if he were still alive and not filing himself after dealing with my family.

you have absolutely NOTHING to justify to your husband on wanting to leave. and being that you're not afraid of him, that makes things better for you. i think talking it out (after you're already out of the house) would probably work for you in this situation. tell him that it has to all be about your child, and that you obviously can't have a relationship when neither of you show affection, ESPECIALLY when he put his hands on you, not once, but twice!!!

i wish you the best of luck...if you ever want to just talk to someone, feel free to email me.

Dear M., I have no helpful advice for support groups but want to say that I am very impressed with your clear thinking and determination. I'm sure there will be tough days but you will do what you must. Good for you.
All my best,
D.

M.,
First I want to say Bravo for speaking out about being hit and for asking for some help. You have broken the first rule of victimization, which is secrecy and self blame. Good for you and keep it up.
Having said that, you need to get some help with this whole process. Maybe counseling for you both so you can make a joint decision about how to proceed. Your child will be affected by all of these decisions and how they are carried out.
You are wise to admit that you need to work on your issues. We all have them. I admire your honesty and congratulate you on the strength you have to put your child's well being as well as your own into this equation.
I wish I could direct you specifically, but I do not live in NYC. There must be services you can locate online or by calling a local hospital.
I wish you good luck and say again,
Bravo ! You are worth it and so is your child.

first off, congrats on keeping such a level head about your situation and realizing that you deserve better. i would suggest speaking with someone at alternatives for battered women. even if you don't feel you were "battered", they will have advice and suggestions that will be helpful for your situation. good luck!

M., I do not promote divorce but in a situation such as yours I firmly believe it is warranted. Congratulations on handling this so well and seeking a better life for you and your daughter. I have no advice but I do wish you all the best, much success and eventually a love that honors you.

God bless you and you daughter.

A.

My sister,

You say he's a lovely man that you admire, and then you go on to say he hit you. After only 2 years and with a girl baby in the home. I am so glad that you have decided to leave because as years go by, and whenever frustration gets to him, he'll hit you again and all of this will affect your baby girl. Again I'll say that I'm happy you've decided to leave, but this will take some preparations. Some cash savings, a place to live should be the first thing. Just in case you should make copies of all your important papers, and documents and put them in a safe place. start packing what you'll be taking, without letting him see. Of course you're going to be sad. Just the realization that now you are in an abusive relationship is very very sad. The end of a relationship is like a little death. You'll have to grieve. All that you thought was going to be is not, and that is the saddest thing to deal with. All in all the most important thing that you will need is money so that you can get on your feet. If you have that then you don't have to worry too much. At first he'll be really pissed off that you left him, but eventually if he really loves his child you'll be able to work together for your childs sake.
S.

No One deserves to be hit! I'm happy to hear you are ready to be a role model for your daughter. Have you asked your husband to get counseling? Have you told him that he is not allowed to hit you, the first time it happened? You say you have not talked with him about this awful behavior, and that it happened once before a long time ago. I'm getting the impression he's not extremely violent, but resorts to hitting because he's unable to communicate some frustration. He's the one who needs help! It saddens me that your daughter may grow up without both parents...but he's not being given a real opportunity to get help and PROVE that he can change. You are the only one who truly knows if this is possible.

However, if you believe he will resort to this violence once counseling is suggested, I agree you should have all your financial things in order before suggesting counseling. It wouldn't hurt to be prepared for the worst, but wouldn't it be better if you both went to counseling and worked things out together? However, if he did attempt to hit you one more time, you're prepared to leave right away!!!

I wish you the best.

He will hit again, they always do, If you stay with a man that abuses you verbally or physically, your daughter will grow up with poor self esteem, and a boat load of other problems, including getting into abusive relationships, you are her role model. Your first priority is to raise your daughter in a safe, nurturing and loving environment. There are a lot of resources available call your MD and request a recommendation for a therapist. Call the police department and ask for a recommendation. The police department will have a mountain of resources for you You don't even have to give your name. Or use your computer to search for one, keep looking until you find a therapist that you trust, feel comfortable with. It may take 2-3 therapist before you find the one that you connect with. If you think the marriage is worth saving and you feel that your husband is willing and can change there is marriage therapy. Don't forget that a man that hits his wife is not lovely or admirable, he is a coward!
Good Luck
Sarah

Dear M., I'm sure you will get many responses to your letter. My husbands father was an abuser and his mom stayed with him too long because she did not have your strong will and respect for herself. She ended up having to flee the country w/my husband and two sisters all toddlers to get away from his father. I think you are so amazing to know when a good thing has gone wrong and that you and your beautiful daughter deserve a better life. I'm going to let the other moms who have had this experience give you advice on how to get out. I just wanted you to know how wonderful you are, how blessed your daughter is to have you and in my heart I know you will come to live a life with your daughter that will be fulfilling and whole as a single mom. Best of luck!
A. B

You got some really good responses...many of which I agree with. Now read the book..."BOYS ARE STUPID THROW ROCKS AT THEM" You can read it at Barnes and Noble.. it will only take you 15 min. (It's short). It has a reaaly funny twist on how to break up with a guy...I don't recommend you follow it, but it will put a smile on your face...that's what you NEED!!!

GOOD LUCK!!

I absolutely applaud you! It seems more often than not domestic violence just escalates rather than getting better. If he does have a tendency to be violent I would definitely come up with a safe plan for telling him -- probably not a good idea to have you two in the same house for any period of time after you tell him. Make sure you and your daughter have somewhere to go if you need to. Good luck!