Hi M.K.,
To me, it doesn't sound like your are so upset about what happened with the baby as much as how your husband treats you. I know the feeling of being afraid, my soon-to-be-ex-husband flips out and goes into long (2 hour) rages. The entire time he is berating every detail of who I am. So far, the only thing he hasn't berated me for is my breathing.
We also tried marriage counseling, but, after he started screaming at me In the car after our last session, I didn't ask to go anymore.
I also have been spending a lot of time in my bedroom so as to not be in the same room as him. I have learned not to even talk to him because I know that whatever I say will come back at me with such hatred.
My final straw came when I came to the realization that I do not want this man teaching my sons how to be a husband.
Our situations sound similar, so I am asking you to google Narcisistic Personality Disorder. If you read about it and find yourself saying, " That explains that! And that! And that!", it can help you sort things out for yourself.
I hope you don't think I am supporting divorce, I just believe really strongly that if you aren't being treated well by the person who is supposed to love you most in the World, you don't deserve it.
Good luck to you and your family. I hope that it all works out for everyone!