At my 11 year olds son middle school and former elementary they allow cell phones during times when the students aren't learning such as during lunch time or when there is a substitute teacher. Kids let other kids use their cell phones. 7 months ago, I discovered my son borrowed a cell phone to create a Facebook when he was 8. I confronted my son about this. He admitted to this. I even saw posts on other websites during school hours connected to his name and on his Facebook wall. He swears, posts pictures that I feel are inappropriate, lies about his age, talks to older girls on Facebook and other websites. I report his Facebook account daily and have multiple friends report his account daily since the day I discovered he had a Facebook, no luck. I also demanded his password. He wouldn't give it to me. I explained to him why I wanted his password (predators, bullying) and his father showed him a Dr. Phil episode about a girl being raped by a man she met on a cellphone with internet and how cyber bullied kids committed suicide. I had him sit at the dinner table until he gave me his password. He sat there all day Saturday and Sunday. Then I tried other consequences such as taking away TV, computer and friend privileges and he still didn't give me his password. I told the school not to let him borrow cell phones and he didn't listen to them and they gave up after 3 months. They gave him lunch and after school detention and he took cell phones and didn't give them up he was using them in detention the school tried to grab them from him and the school gave up after 2 months. A month ago his teacher was absent from one week because she was feeling sick. During that week, my son watched rated movies with friend's cell phones. I know because he even told me what they are about. He doesn't use the internet in my home unless it's for homework. Even if he did, he wouldn't log onto Facebook. The district said they cannot keep out cell phones so they "compromised" and allowed kids to use cell phones during times when they aren't learning such as during lunch time or when there is a substitute teacher in all their schools. I switched schools 3 times already private and charter schools also. My son will find a way to sneak in a cell phone and he already has done that they took away 5 cell phones away in 1 day from him but they put him under strict supervision but they said they can't supervise him like that every day nor can they supervise him 100%. Every day when he comes home he just sits at the corner every day until he gives me his password and he sits there all day doesn't watch TV, use computer or go to friend's homes he just does his homework and on the weekends. This went on for 4 months and was at 7 months overall he still didn't give me his password. I was told to seriously start taking away privileges and have a firm talking to him with a firm, authoritative voice while making eye contact. I did that before and it didn't help and what else is there to take away? The parents in my area don't care. I spoke to some of the parents of the cell phone students and the replies I get are that I'm too strict and if I don't want to hear that that then don't complain to them. I petitioned all PTAs for a strict no cellphone policy and everybody turned against me. My mother and the rest of my family knew he had a Facebook since the day he created one and all of them told him not to tell me. Everyone says I'm too strict and that all kids post these things these days.
I don't have a rule about internet for homework, he just happens to use it for homework only because he uses it for the rest at school with no limitations.
I took away everything. All he has is a bed, a few clothes and food. No dessert. He eats dessert at school his friends give him cookies and candy so he doesn't heat at home on schooldays.
He won't log on to Facebook and refuses to cancel his page and the power struggle will last for MONTHS.
Homeschooling won't solve this problem. Get him in to therapy. There is a reason he is so defiant and it's best to get to the bottom of it now.
There are favorite foods, favorite blankets, favorite clothes, doors to his bedroom, time with friends, games, computer, TV, ....... You can go to school everyday with him and sit with him, right next to him..... ALL DAY LONG. Mine would quit because they would be mortified to have me with them.
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I'm going to be honest. So much of what you are saying is so outlandish, that I am having a hard time believing that this is a real post.
If it is real, I think you and your son BOTH need to sign up for some family counseling ASAP.
Good luck.
It sounds like a terrible combination of you being too strict and him being defiant. When I was a kid, the kiddos who acted out the most (but were sneakiest about it) were the kids with the strictest parents.
I think that both of you should consider therapy and you might also want to check out a parenting class. Particularly since your entire family is telling you that you are the problem, not him.
This is a behavioral issue with YOUR CHILD, not something associated with a specific school setting. This is also not about Facebook. This is a defiance issue and you are losing.
My guess is that even if you home school him, he'll find a way to get on the internet. Read the books by John Rosemond. Eye opening. He talks about kicking your child out of Eden and it's brilliant. You take away EVERYTHING. I mean EVERYTHING. Your child is left with a bed and the clothing items needed for THAT DAY. He has food/water, but not necessarily dinner with the family. Those things are all extras. Nothing but the day-to-day necessities. No friends, no activities, no NOTHING... until he starts to consistently show that he is capable of respecting you, your home and your rules.
As his behavior and compliance improve, he can earn back one thing/priviledge at at time.
Seriously? The school told you they can't keep the kids from having phones? Our district has a no phone policy. They aren't suppose to be on during school hours. If a teacher catches you with one, it's confiscated and a parent has to pay $15 to get it back.
I can't believe your son had enough "free" time to watch a movie at school! That's insane!! I don't care if they had a substitute or not, that doesn't mean they aren't suppose to be learning. I know you're question is dealing with your son, but I see a HUGE school issue here. I'd be livid!
You've actually changed schools three times? And, you're still dealing with this all these months later. You need to get professional help. Not only is his behavior outrageous, so is yours. You're letting him run the show. You must stand firm. Changing schools only shows him that he can control you. You jump thru all these outragious hoops trying to get him to change.
Be firm. Stay in one place. He cannot use cell phones to do these things. I suggest that at this point, it might help for you to spend the day with him at school so that you can take away the phone each and every time.
Focus exclusively on him and his behavior. Stop trying to change the school. Gee! This 11 yo child has you running in circles, fighting the system, changing schools. He has a whole lot of power. Can you not see that?
My granddaughter started a second Facebook page and her parents stood over her at the computer while she cancelled the page. Try that. You can't force him to give you the password but you can force him to sit at the computer, no games, no food, no anything until he's cancelled the page.
Be calm. Be matter of fact. Do not do this in anger. Do not show emotion. Literally stand over him or sit next to him. This increases the pressure. When he can get you upset, you are showing him he has power over you. You're in charge of him; not of the schools. Focus on him.
Again, I urge you to get professional help so that you can be more reasonable in your approach to his misbehavior. And so he can learn that their are constructive ways to deal with his anger with you.
You said it. This has become a power struggle. Time to learn how to get out of a power struggle. Maybe it's time to start over. Give him back his things. Stop paying attention to what he does on cell phones. Don't talk about it at all. This may be a time for retreat. If you act as if you don't care it will take a whole lot of fun out of what he's doing. But I don't know if that's too extreme too. I really urge you to get professional help.
Yup, not really a reason to start homeschooling, and believe me, I am a full supporter of homeschooling...but you'd be doing it for all the wrong reasons, your son likely wouldn't take to it, and you don't sound prepared to undertake it either.
You aren't too strict in not wanting him to do facebook and be confronted by inappropriate things, but your rule of internet for homework only has perhaps perpetrated this. Why don't you let him use it for some kid-friendly things?
I think that while the school is remiss to allow cell phones (we had to get SD's phone from the teacher once because she got it taken away), I think the larger issues that is not school related is your son. Why did he create a FB account? Why is he acting this way? Why is he watching R movies during school time? The problem isn't the tool, but how it is used. I think that you and your son may benefit from family counseling. If people are hiding these things about your son from you, then that's completely different than if you need home school him. What do you expect to to gain from home schooling? And will it be accomplished if your family undermines you?
Wow. This is crazy. He's eleven? Sounds like he and his friends and your whole family are against you. And no, you're not too strict if he's point blank succeeding in refusing to give up phones, passwords and FB accounts. What? The first time my 11 year old son refused to give me the password his world would stop. No tug of war.Consequences would be piled so high he'd ask to be shipped to a troubled teen retreat. He's acting like a hardened teenager.
Your whole family lying to help an underage person to have a secret FB account is twisted and wrong. You need to report this to some sort of agency, get counsel, and figure out what to do. I want to suggest MUCH TOUGHER discipline, not all this sitting around in corners never breaking a sweat or being physically uncomfortable stuff....but this whole picture is so bizarre I'm reluctant to to do that. Get help!
I dont' think you can possibly homeschool a child like this if this is a good indicator of the trouble you have controlling him. How are you going to MAKE him compete all of his work if you can't MAKE him give you a password? And who has all these extra phones he's getting? Get help! This is really scary mom, good work reaching out, but reach out to some resources for families in crisis in your area.
There is absolutely no way to make someone tell you something they don't want to tell. Far too many kids these days have those accounts and most of them lie about themselves and others to make themselves look like someone they really aren't. There isn't much you can do. Like you said, he'll just get a hold of another phone and set up another account. This is no win for you.
I would make sure he understands the dangers and also that colleges look at FB pages in determining whether or not they want to offer a spot to perspective students; employers review FB pages on their applicants; law enforcement uses it to gather information on people. What he puts on that page may follow him around indefinitely. Make sure he understands that the consequences could very last a long time and be extremely severe. That's all you can do; give him the information to make an informed decision and then let him suffer the consequences.
Contact FB directly and explain the situation; that you need his account shut down for being illegal and underage.
Then, go get some family counseling, ASAP. Your discipline situation in your home isn't going to get any better-- it will only escalate. Homeschooling is not the answer to the problem. The problem is that you have a kid who believes he can do what he damn well pleases and that you have no authority over him.
I'd take him out of a school that has such affluence, personally. That said, you are expecting the school to control a child you have no control over yourself. Please work with a counselor-- yours on sounds very angry and in a huge power struggle.
Would you consider a tough-love strategy? Take a week off work and follow him around school all day? Sit next to him in every.single.class to ensure he's doing his work and not on cell-phones? What about making him return every phone he takes with an apology? (Where is he getting the phones? Is he stealing them? He should be in In school suspension, in that case? If the kids are loaning them to him, maybe an less affluent school would be better-- kids have less gadgets and are more protective of them.)
You both need to see a counselor of sorts and soon. I would contact FB and have them delete acct. I would not stop u til I got someone at FB. He cannot have an account. I thi k your problems are bigger than FB. Get help soon.
As I see it, the problem here has more to do with your inability to trust your son. Homeschooling may or may not fix this.
Taking away things will lead to resentment and will only further deteriorate the lack of trust in your relationship. You need to fix that, and then maybe he will listen and make better choices. Until then,he will just do whatever it is you don't want him to do.
So, what you've been doing isn't working but you're still doing it and digging your heels in even more......
Sounds like to me that you've done everything that you can.
Stop. He will only create another account. ALL he has to do is make another email address through Yahoo or gmail or any other email program. THEN go to FB and create another account. SO it is doing you no good to do what you're doing.
Stop. You need to consider letting this go. I don't know what else there is to do. He will continue to do this and you will continue to be in this position. It sounds like a miserable way to live.
First of all have you contacted Facebook about his account? They will delete accounts of under 13 year olds if they are notified:
https://www.facebook.com/help/441374602560317/
Second I believe that your son's problems go FAR beyond Facebook or school. Should you homeschool him? Maybe. Maybe some additional parental attention is just what he needs. But you also need help. Have you contacted his school counselor for help.
Blaming it on school and his friends allowing him access to their phones sounds very weird to me... it appears obvious there there must be something else going on...
Good luck.
Two things you need to get him in counciling and you need to take a belt to his butt!!!! My son has had a facebook since he was about 11 but I created it and had the username and password. He only gets on it when I tell him he can and I am friends with him so anything he posts I will see. But it sounds like he needs harsher punishment and if the schools wont back you yes you may need to homeschool him.
You only need the user name, go to facebook and contact them. You can lock him out and remove his profile. Maybe you should try scchool online
