What Should I Do? - Saint Petersburg, FL

I've not had a problem with this but my grandmother tells stories of her son doing this and she would spray him in the face with a water bottle. I guess it was enough of a shock that it made him stop, but I agree with the others that you shouldn't give her the attention she's looking for. Kids are so smart - she knows it bothers you and that's exactly the reaction she's looking for.

A friend of mine went through this with her daughter and she said it scared the living daylights out of her. She even called her pediatrician that day and took her in. She just new something was wrong. Her pediatrician told her to do the same thing. Just walk away. It took a few times before her daughter realized she wasn't going to get attention for it. In fact, she actually calmed down enough to follow her mom into the next room and throw herself down on the ground to continue her temper tantrum. Her mom just got up and went to another room.

She said quite awhile went by and she was mad one day and decided to try it again. My friend could tell where it was heading. So before it could get worse, she reached out and popped her daughter on the bottom. It didn't hurt, just kind of surprised her because spankings were rare for her. She stopped and never tried it again.

Her daughter is an adult now and they still laugh about it.

L.

I would check if she has any food allergies. Make sure you are not giving her sugar. Most baby formulas have sugar in them. Is she getting proper nourishment? Enough sleep? There is a product you can find online called "Baby Calm" - it is all-natural and wonderful.

i would recommend having her checked by a nuerologist. i don't think you are supposed to pass out from temper tantrums.

if it turns out there is more going on than just temper tantrums, have it treated. you may need to look into changing pedis

Hi W.,
I agree with the ignoring her part, but her passing out can not be okay. Does she get upset easily and often? Unfortunately, this is the beginning of the "terrilbe twos", and it is hard to explain things to a 16 month old. I wish I had some advice for you, but I couldn't imagine ignoring her if she gets herself that upset! Have you tried to redirect her attention when she gets these? Like does she have a certain toy that would calm her down? This will pass before you know it! M.

Pray for patience. I am a survivor of a major tantrum thrower, she started at about the same age. She is 8 1/2 yrs old now. You didn't mention if anything triggered her tantrums or not, but my daughter's happened when things did not go her way (the cause of a lot of tantrums)and seemed to be more about controlling her environment. There are 3 things that worked for me, and none of them had a 100% success rate, that's why there are 3 main ones, and sometimes none of them worked and we had to wait it out.
1. Ignore it. Don't look, don't respond, don't talk, just go about your activity. If she hangs on you, firmly (but not rough) remove her and walk away. Do not respond except by calmly saying something like "I can't understand you when you scream like that, when you can tell me in a regular voice I will talk to you", but don't say it over and over, and you have to remain calm and pleasant (easier said than done I know). If she is non-verbal,keep it short. "we don't scream" or even "no screaming" or even "hurts Mommy's ears". When the tantrums ends (and they all eventually do)I would say something like, "I'm glad you can talk to me now, are you sad? (or mad, whatever) why are you sad? (helps her identify her feelings)" Usually when she was on my lap. Again, if she is not verbal, you may have to help her. "are you mad about no ice cream?" and give suggestions. Then explain (shortly) "I can see why you would be mad about that, it must be frustrating not to have ice cream when you want it(validates her feelings)but in our house (I often used family)we don't have ice cream right before supper (gives the rule/reason and also it lays the blame on "the rules" instead of you)now would you like to have your ice cream for dessert or after your bath?" (Gives her control and teaches decision making) Praise her choice and for talking to you. ("In this family we like to talk about our problems"). I taught pre-school for 5 years and we often used this method in the classroom. Negative actions do not get attention, while positive actions get positive reinforcement, plus helping them identify, understand and deal with their emotions and give them some control in making decisions. *Side note: while ignoring the tantrum, do something that she finds interesting or enjoys doing. It worked a lot of the time with my daughter. I would start cooking (she loved to "help mix") or pick flowers. Sometimes I would pick up one of her books and read it, or color with her crayons,play with her dolls. Usually it would cut the tantrum short and she would wander over to see what I was doing and her need to play with me or her curiosity would win out over the tantrum. Yes, it takes a lot of time this way.

2. Give her a safe place to "get it all out" where she can't hurt herself, in our house it was the bathroom rug. (no sharp corners, objects etc)when she would get up if she wasn't calm, I would put her back on it and tell her when she was calm she could come out. (at your daughter's age I did not leave her alone, I just sat, usually reading or trying to) as she got older, she would seek out the bathroom and carry on, when she was done she would just come out. Now her bedroom is her "safe zone". She still has the occasional fit, and we tell her to go to her room and get it all out. When she's done, she'll usually come out and talk.

3. If you see a tantrum coming, try to short circuit it. If its a reaction to not getting her way, give her another choice. "Would you like to play with the doll or the truck?" "Would you like peas or beans?"The more control you can give her about things that don't really matter, the better. That way, on the things that count, it will make a real difference. My son is 12 and I really think because we let him make a lot of his own choices he handles rules and reasoning well. Since we let him have control over things that don't really matter (his clothes, his hair, his room) when we say no, there is a good reason for it, and we give him the reason. 95% of the time he accepts it, no questions asked. A lot of our tantrum throwers at pre-school were the children of parents who never let them do anything on their own and micro-managed everything in their child's life, they were never able to make descisions on their own! Kids want to be independant and if all they are hearing is "no" all the time, they will act out.

I don't know about your daughter, but my daughter is very emotional and I think that personality contrbuted to her tantrums, she's hot and cold, never lukewarm. But the very fire in her that caused her tantrums is the same fire that drives her to stand up to bullies, be great on the soccer field, and have a the confidence to stand up for what she believes in, be herself, and not give in to peer pressure. She has a heart as big as her temper. She has mellowed with age, but it is normal for kids to have tantrums into 4 and 5 years old, so hang in there!

PS, my mother in law said my husband used to throw tantrums so bad he would pass out too. My Ped. said they either hyperventilate from crying and breathing in and out rapidly or exhaust their "out breath" from screaming and don't breathe in fast enough. In either case when they "pass out" they automatically start beathing normally on their own and wake up.

Okay, that is scary. My son used to bang his head on our terrazzo floor and have the worst bruises and bumps from it. I would get upset because he was hurting himself. I thought for sure there was something wrong with him. My pediatrician told me it was a temper tantrum and to ignore it. Since I would almost automatically react with concern I decided to try and control my response. Even if I initially started to react I would stop and change gears by walking out of the room and not paying attention to him. (Going about doing normal things while this is happening is really hard at first but you get better with practice) This went on for a while but the tantrums did become fewer and farther between. It was a rough ride so I feel your pain.
B.

I actually used to do this when I was little. My mom says when I did not get my way I would actually hold my breath until I passed out...she rushed me to the Dr and they said I was gonna be fine and to ignore the behavior too. My mom was so scared to do that so next time I did it, she said she splashed a little bit of water in my face to startle me and then I took a breath...she said after that I never did it again. It will probably take some trial and error for you...but I am an adult now and we laugh about it- I was always fine and a good girl/good student...no damage :) This will pass...us girls just want to get our way :)