Three Year Old Son Throwing Severe Tantrums???? Please HELP

Well, I do have experiences with tantrums as I have a 3 1/2 year old and this is what I have learned in my experience. I do not give into the tantrum or whatever caused it-wanting a toy, candy, etc. I basically leave him to have his tantrum, once even in CVS in the middle of the store I walked away for a couple of minutes, by the time I came back, he was done. Take him outside and let him get out the frustrations, or have him go in his room especially since the banging of the head would be a huge concern. After he has had the tantrum, talk about it and other ways that he can handle the agression. Tantrums are so common at this age, and you can't reason with them while they are in the midst of it, so let them calm down and then talk about the reason, what they can do next time instead of the tantrum, and consequences such as having to leave the store, not going outside to play, etc. It seems to have worked with my son, he rarely has them and when he does they are very short. Good luck!

Lots of kids do this. Never give in to a tantrum--never. Move your son to a place that is safer if he is out on the concrete or something, but don't talk to him or make eye contact. Put him in his room or crib (if he is still in one) and walk away. Ignoring is the best way to get tantrums to stop--children thrive on attention-even negative attention, and it is your attention that your son is seeking with this behavior. He most likely won't hurt himself--most people have a good sense of self-preservation, but he does see that this behavior is getting a reaction from you. If he does hurt himself, address the injury when he has calmed down and do not apologize to him ("I'm sorry you hurt yourself honey") or console him more than an ice pack or band aid. I know this sounds harsh, but he should really learn that banging his head is not going to do anything but have him hurt himself--it won't make you give in to him. He is trying to manipulate you, stay firm and this too shall pass. Best of luck.

My daughter used to do that... she never really hurt herself... I even asked my pediatrician about it, and they said that other than a bump and a bruise, they can't do any real damage. This is probably silly advice but it worked for me... one, I let her do it. If she banged it and it got sore, tough love kiddo, but she learned her lesson! And two, I would mimick my daughter. Once she saw how ridiculous I looked doing it, she called it quits.

Great advice so far. Also you need to keep a straight face as though you are bored by the tantrum.
Just step over him and go to another room.

In public you can leave him there and ignore him or carry him out to your car and leave.

Tantrums are fed by attention..

3 is a tough age and children are trying to learn how to deal with their emotions and frustrations. It's important to allow them to get it out and not bottle it up, but it is also important to show or teach them ways to deal with it. My daughter was having severe temper tantrums and I would take her in another room and tell her it's not acceptable to act this way and no one is going to respond to her behavior and leave her. Afterwards, I would come in and tell her to breath and relax and let's talk. Many times she needed extra attention and was frustrated. Sometimes it's anger or difficulty handling the fact that she can't do something. I told her it was ok to get mad, but there are ways to vent. If at home, she is welcome to go in her room and scream into her pillow. If out in public, she needs to deal with it and calm down with long breaths and we'll figure out what needs to be handled. If it's a spoiled behavior and they are not accepting no, I found the quickest cure is telling them we are leaving the store and not getting anything and then doing it. Leave everything and walk out. They need to know the threat is real.

I have a friend who would take a bottle of water and slowly pour it in a glass and then splash a little on her little ones at that stage. They would be shocked and stop and look at her. She would then say, "You looked very hot and needed to be cooled down." After 2-3 times of this, all they needed was to see her pouring the glass of water and they would cease on their own. Her logic was that it taught them to catch their own behavior and figure out how to correct it. I haven't tried it yet as my daughter has been easy to deal with. But with my two little ones, I keep it in the back of my mind as a possible option.

I suggest finding out what triggers the tantrum. Was he over stimulated that day? Was he around lots of people? did he play hard? Is he hungry, tired, etc? Once you know the trigger, you can do things to prevent the melt down before it starts. I do that with our 4 yr old son. For example, I know if I don't get him in the bath by 7pm, that he will be too tired and we fight to get through the bath. Another trigger is when he plays outside with his friends a lot in the afternoon. He tends to get hungry before I'm able to get supper done & then gets cranky. If I give him a lite snack while I'm making supper, it prevents the melt down. Just find the trigger(s) and learn how to stop the tantrum before it starts.
Good luck!

Any behavior can be understood as a tool to get needs met. Whining, tantrums – also affection, humor. Any particular behavior may not be a good strategy, and for little ones, it's often a bad strategy. Children melt down – not as a deliberate, planned manipulation (at least, not those first tantrums), but as an intuitive way to try to meet their own NEEDS, one of which, by that point, is to let out overwhelming frustration.

If a child senses that a behavior has hooked you emotionally, he feels at least a little more powerful. Because he is feeling very little power, it's very, very attractive. He'll gratefully take any power and control in whatever form he can find it.

Disarming all that frustration BEFORE it culminates in a meltdown is useful. Consider life from a child's angle. Notice all the frustrating, controlling, maddening and discouraging situations for a new little person with little choice and limited motor skills and language. Find creative ways to reduce as many of those frustrations as possible. This in turn should reduce the child's negative strategies to deal with his own frustration.

The child's feelings are not "wrong." He really doesn't choose them, any more than you "choose" to feel upset when you're baffled by yet another tantrum. Anger and frustration are natural, and completely legitimate. Discouraging them through punishment doesn't make them go away, but might drive them underground until they emerge in some other form.

Certain techniques reduce a child's frustration level, so tantrums will gradually happen less often. Things that have really helped my 4yo grandson are:

… 1. Making the tasks we need from him become a game, or pleasant. For example, he doesn't want to take a bath. I ask if he can teach spiderman to swim underwater? He didn't appreciate having me dress him as a toddler. I planted a small toy for him to search for inside a sleeve (the second sleeve, of course). He resists bedtime, but loves story time. I have him help pick out a book to look forward to, then I sit on his bed an start reading it when bedtime arrives. He can't resist, and climbs in beside me.

… 2. Participating in a task, like picking up toys, alongside him, with a cheerful attitude. This is really important (adult modeling is the prime predictor of a child's future attitudes). My participation, which may be small because my back hurts, keeps him from experiencing the task as joyless and lonely and too big to accomplish by himself.

… 3. Giving advance notice that you'll need to have X done pretty soon. Then notice again that X will need to happen in one more minute. Then time for X arrives, at which point, I move into steps 1 and/or 2. Transitions tend to be hard for young children, and this helps them prepare emotionally.

… and realizing that kids just don't "get" the need for busyness and schedules. When I spend a day with my grandson, I deliberately throw as much scheduling out the window as possible, so that he's not always being rushed from one thing to the next. I think it probably helps him "reset" and relax a bit from the usual hurry of his working parents' weekday.

… 4. When something really must happen now, be as inevitable as the tides. The ocean doesn't get hung up on judgement, resistance, drama or anger. It just rises, calmly and implacably. If my grandson won't get his jacket on, or come to the table, or pick up the toy cars after my final request, I get the jacket, or guide him to the table, or bring him back to the toys and make a game of picking them up. All cheerfully, with a smile. My attitude can make the difference between a long, drawn out episode, or the satisfaction of having done what's necessary.

Finally, we learn to anticipate the problem areas, and have a positive strategy in place ahead of time. Sometimes it helps to talk over those situations before they arrive, and ask the child to help with the problem solving – this becomes easier as the child becomes more verbal. In the case of a head-banging tantrum, I sense it might be helpful to tell the child that you recognize he can't always deal with his feelings safely, and when that happens, you will move him to a safe area and just wait quietly until he's through. Then when that happens, he'll know you're watching out for him, even if you don't otherwise react to all the drama. Not dealing with a problem until it's in full swing is baffling and frustrating, for both you and your child.

honestly, i was told to ignore the tantrums. they play up for an audience. just tell them to come to you when they are done. as far as the head banging, i was told to ignore that too. they will not hit their head hard enough to do more than make it sore. i've dealt with these same kind of tantrums in my son and my cousin's girls. i expect to deal with it in my own daughter also. it's hard to watch, but believe me, when they realize you are not watching, and you are not freaking out, the tantrums will get shorter, less severe and eventually stop all together.

I have had several tantrum throws of my own. What we found that works at our house for the ones who get on the floor and bang is everyone else in the room including mom gets on the floor and we all do what the fit thrower is doing. Generally they will stop and look at everyone else and say you look stupid/silly and they generally never do it again. If they jump up and down while having a tantrum we all do the same thing. I have had a couple who it took several times before they stopped but it works and everyone else gets to let out some frustration while acting out the other bad behavior. Generally the other children are laughing while we are role playing and having a good time.

Hi,
My first instinct is to suggest you taking him to the doctor to rule out anything medical or psychological going on. I am not saying that your son has any disability but my son, who is now 17, demonstrated unusual tendencies at a young age. We failed to have him checked out until he was 5. He had ADHD along with other things that were eventually diagnosised. Become an avocate for your son and see if there is anything going on besides temper tantrums.
Good luck,
W. Q

my three yo USED to have that problem. but i got tired of it and i le him know real quick what time it was. I tore them legs and behind UP! he would get to acting a fool and i tiold him look whatever it is that you want you need to tell(he can say everything and understands most) all this whining and crying for no reason is going to stop. I would give him a chance to get himself together and lwt him come ask for what he wanted but i told him if i have to come back because you are still clowning your getting a whooping and i meant it. I would get those legs and behind a few times and told him now you have to wait. and i would make him wait a few minutes then i would go back and ask again what do want and he would tell me. I refuse to have a child that i gave birth to run my life. He will do nothing but get bigger and the tamtrum will be worse and once they see that you are afraid of them and that you will bend everytime they getting clowning they WILL keep doing it. what happens when he feels that he can hit you? I love my son with all my heart and would give my life for him quicker then a blink if the eye but i refuse to let him run me it's not going to happen. I wish you good luck and you are in my prayers

Is head banging the only odd thing he is doing? My son did this also but that wasn't the only odd thing. Is he talking? Does he like something overly too much? Does he seem to do this in crowds of people or at home? If you inner mommy is telling you something isn't right listen.

Talk to your Doctor about it and if he or she won't listen or thinks your nuts then find a new one. I did my son today is better for it. There is help out there.

Good luck and prayers,
T.