What If It Was Your Mom?

Can you Skype? I know it's not the same as having her living close to you, but you'd actually be able to see her.

Her husband is going through cancer therapy and all you can think of is pouting that she will only visit you for 3 weeks instead of 6?
Honestly if it was me and my hubby got that sick (symptoms or not), I would scrap our annual visit to see my family overseas altogether. If you want to see her longer maybe you can offer to visit her for the other 3 weeks...

I understand how you are feeling, morally her first obligation is to her husband, she does not want to be gone and then have something happen to him. I think in this situation that maybe you need to make the trip to go see her. Sweetie it isn't fair really that in order to see your mom, that it's all on her. that she has to always do the traveling, if it's a money issue maybe she would flip the bill for you, My mom died in 2004, and I miss her, your mom is still a live, make effort to see her and not always expect the effort to be on her part. J.

While I understand your feelings about missing your mom, I think you're also being a little selfish considering her husband has cancer. You haven't seen him recently and don't really know what his health status really is, don't know what their daily life is really like anymore or how it has changed due to him undergoing treatment. I would treasure the fact that she's still coming for a few weeks and enjoy the time you do have with her instead of focusing on the fact that the trip is shorter this year than last or that she's spending money on things they can do to enjoy the time they have left together instead of on more trips to see you while leaving him alone. I would suggest getting her an inexpensive webcam, if she doesn't already have one and using Skype or a similar program to bridge the distance and time between visits.

She CANNOT stay longer.
Her Husband is sick.. with Cancer.
She is the one, that has to do care-giving for him. They do not have a live-in help or nurse aide etc.

She IS coming to visit you. It is just not as long as it usually is.
But, she is coming.
I think, that she is really trying to compromise here... and is stuck in between you and her Husband. She knows that.
But you do not know that.

Have you ever just TOLD her, the way you feel? In a nice way of course. Your Mom sounds like a very fair/nice woman. So, you are her only child. So, talk to her. Tell her how you feel, that you feel jilted and didn't want her to move to England. Because, that is how you feel.

But your Mom, HAS visited you a lot... in 7 years. It is very expensive. YOU can also go there and visit her.

Put it this way: My In-Laws are from Europe. They NEVER even came to our wedding, 13 years ago. They NEVER even came to visit us here in Hawaii. AT ALL. And they have NEVER come to visit even to see our kids here. AT ALL. My kids are now 8 and 4 years old. And yes, WE went to visit them. For us, it takes 24 hours to reach Europe, and it costs over $1000 for just one person. It takes YEARS of savings... just to 'visit' them. THEY are the types, that will not visit us, though we have asked and though we have offered to pay partial air-fare. THEY instead, EXPECT us, to visit them. Despite the financial hardship and hardship with our kids... on a TWENTY-FOUR hour flight/stop overs etc.
So... I am really not fond of them. They, are, just Selfish.
And, they don't even call us. WE have to call them and Skype them.
I get VERY perturbed... whenever they tell us to go and visit them. Like they think we can visit them every damn year... and stay for 1 month.
Yah, right.
Who in the United States, gets 1 month off for vacation??? We only get 2 weeks. But that is beside the point.
The point is... your Mom makes a LOT of effort. And has shown that.
She visits you a lot, Skypes, sends care packages, you chat online and on FB.
To me, that is a lot.
My In-Laws, do NOTHING of that.

So you see... it really is not easy.
And, I think it is great.. that your Mom does visit you for "only" 3-4 weeks.
You can also go and visit her.
She also has her own life and has a Husband sick with Cancer.
That is really... sad.
I don't see her Husband as being "controlling."
He... probably is very traditional and just does not know what to do without her. And he is probably old. They get insecure etc.

I don't see a problem here with your Mom.

But you do not seem to like your Step-Dad or his family... nor the fact that he took your Mom away from you.
Her Husband is sick... with CANCER.

You are not your Mom's 'child' anymore... you are all grown-up, are married and have a family of your own. She assumes, you understand.
She has her life too. It is the life she always wanted. As you said.
Be happy for her.
Appreciate all that she does and the frequency that she does visit you.
Next, YOU should go and visit her, for 3-6 weeks. Too.
I am sure, she'd be really happy if you visited her in England and met her life there.
Since she has done that for you numerous times... YOU can do that for her too. And go there and visit her. Too.

YOU are expecting her, to choose between you and her Husband.
You also think, that you/your child comes first.
That is really... not fair.
It seems, you will never go an visit her.
It is not all about money.
She DOES visit you every darn year. Boy, that is a lot, traveling overseas.
I know. I have done that.

I'm holding my breath as I type this:

Your own personal happiness is not an integral part of your Mom's happiness. You are both adults....& you need to freely give her the happiness & freedom she desires. If she truly wanted to be a part of your daily life....or even wanted to visit more often....then she would.

She's made her choices....& they are hers. & for you to wish more from her - at a time when her husband needs her most - is (sorry) somewhat selfish & immature. I truly understand that your emotions stem from your honest need to be with her. AND I truly do wish you Peace.

Please don't judge her for her choices & decisions. Instead, try to find ways to ease this heartache for her. Dealing with the impending death of a beloved is trying beyond belief! & If you want to see her more, then maybe it's up to you to travel to England! .....& one more thought: should her husband pass away, don't assume she'll be moving back to the US!

One way to look at it is that maybe you're so close because she's been a great mom which you know now entails a huge amount of selflessness. So if she's been a great mom all these years, maybe it's fair for her to put "her life" first this year. A 3-4 week visit is still pretty good. It's not like she's not coming at all. My parents live far away too and I remind myself that they devoted themselves to my sister and I for years. It's their turn now.

I hear how much you love and miss your mother. What a lovely connection you must have with her. And there is clear resentment for your father-in-law, marrying your mom and taking her so far away from you. But you might be able to spare yourself some pain by considering this from other perspectives:

Consider the emotional balancing act your mother must perform: She has a husband whom she presumably loves, and has promised to stay with him until death. If he's ill and his prognosis is not good, then it is entirely reasonable for your mother to want to spend as much time as they have left together. (That doesn't mean she doesn't love and miss you and your child, only that life has thrown other priorities at her.)

Or, what if you were the one who was ill? You would expect your husband to spend as much time as possible with you, should you discover you have only a short time left to live, and you'd feel hurt, puzzled and resentful if he went off to visit a grown child of his from a previous marriage.

I don't think there's a 'gentle' way to tell someone that they 'should' meet someone else's emotional needs better by changing their lives and priorities around. While you are projecting this onto your FIL, your request is "a little on the controlling side."

The only priorities you have within your reach are your own, and so you can deal with this sad situation by examining your own expectations, and realizing that others have emotional needs that are different from yours. Even your mother. That might be some of the most important work you will ever do in the process of growing up. While it feels like you are having to accept a painful loss in the short run, you become a bigger part of humanity in the long run, with more understanding, compassion, and patience. So it's not all bad, and you will be modeling for your child an important life skill.

Can you and your mom contemplate your visiting her in England? If her main reason not to want to leave is time, and she has the funds to pay some part of your tickets to come to her, perhaps that would allow you two visits with her this year.

It sounds like your father-in-law won't be around much longer, and then your mom may be more available to you again. Sorry for how sad this situation feels for you.

Well if my dad wasn't feeling well I wouldn't expect my mom to come stay with us. I would rather have her stay with him and take care of him because I would be worried for him too. Well you have reasons not to travel to her country and she has reasons not to stay too long with you. What can you do? That's life! Atleast she is still visiting for 3-4 weeks. Are you close to your step dad? Are you not worried how he will manage all alone? Even if you are not close to him, think of this from your mom's perspective. He is her husband, he needs her and she would want to be with him.
Well, Or think of it this way. If it were your husband, would you be comfortable being away from him for so long when he is not well and is dependent on you even if it is to visit your grown up child who is well settled with his/her own family.
I recommend skype. You can video chat everyday so that grandma and grandchild can have that connection inspite of being so far. And you get to see and talk to her as well. Definitely not the same as face to face but still great way to keep in touch with family under the circunstances you have mentioned.
I can totally understand why you are feeling sad. But I wonder if your mom is ok visiting you for those 3-4 weeks this year? I mean does she want to or is she not cancelling the vacation because she knows how upset you will be.

Sorry, but it's time for a little tough love...

Let her stay with her husband. I understand you're super close to your mom, but you need to be a grownup about this. You're a grown woman and need to be grateful that you even have a mother. Be happy and make the most of the time you DO have with her instead of whinning for more.

You'll be fine. It'll just take a little time to adjust to the new situation. And who knows, maybe your stepdad will go into remission next year and she can have a longer visit. But you saying the whole thing is unfair is well.....unfair. You're not the one with cancer. To your stepdad it's "unfair".

Best of luck.

I would try to understand that her husband is sick and she's letting you know that this is the time she can come - she is splitting her time between people she loves and that has to be hard.

My FIL has prostate cancer and while most days he's just tired, that can mean many things. It can mean he's too tired to get out of bed. Or that treatments have gotten him down. Or that he just wants to sit and not travel. (A motorhome might allow your SF to travel within his country without being exhausted by it.)

If it would be possible, suggest to her that she break up her visit to two shorter ones. But be prepared to be a big girl if she says no.

I think that you understandably have some resentment toward this man who keeps your mom so far away, but please try to see them as just people just trying to have a life with the circumstances presented. I know people whose family members move and they never see them. Years go by before any visit, let alone a 6 week one. You are very fortunate to have those visits.

I also wonder if your sense of loss isn't heightened by the birth of your child. I know that things affect me differently now that I have my own child and I have to weigh which part of me is talking - the hurt little girl inside or the grown woman who knows that sometimes I can't have what I want.

I hope you and your mom can continue to work out ways for her to be in your life, and to be a grandma to your child.

My mom passed away in '06. Was never able to meet my children. That will be something I will always think about. Although it may be tough for you, I agree with many of the other posters in that it is your mom's life and her husband's. Your mom sounds like she loves you VERY much, 4-6 wks is a pretty long visit if you ask me, and 2-3 weeks still sounds pretty long. With the packages and skyping, I think you should feel blessed that your mom is still in your life and wanting to do these things with you and not focus on what you wish she would do for you. I hope that you can enjoy the time you have with your mother and be happy that she is happy with her life.

My mother can't come see me anymore because of my stepdad's health. Just as I expect my spouse to put ME first, she has to do the same....

We go see them when we can afford it (sadly, that's only about 1x every 2 years).

I am sorry to hear your stepdad is dealing with cancer treatments. If he were healthy, I'd be pointing at the free place to stay while having a wonderful travel adventure with your child....

Of course that doesn't work for any of you RIGHT NOW, but with remission, it may in the future. So, if it was MY MOM, I'd be praying that her husband went into remission so ALL of us could be together more in the future. And THANKING her for coming to see me at ALL when her spouse needed her so much....

Tell her how you feel but please don't tell her she should stay longer, should think about her grandson, should spend her money on seeing you instead of on a motorhome. Those "shoulds" hurt and will just make her feel guilty, not more eager to see you.

You are married now and you have your own life. Bless your mom for finding her own life, too, and not hovering over you because she has nothing else to do. You can still be close, but you are both in a new phase of your lives. Talk on the phone, skype, and make the most of those annual visits.

Now is a good time to go out and find some new friends, other moms with young children, and older moms, too. Give you MIL a chance to be a friend. Start building relationships with those who live close by.

I am in the same boat, I am from the UK, and I only get to go back for a little while, for 2 weeks, as that is all the holidays my husband gets.
I have lived here 5 years, and my father has not visited me once. it hurts, but he has his own business, so he can't get away (although he goes other places just fine!) he has plenty of money I really am not sure why he doesn't come.
My stepfather has come once a year ironically. My mother unfortunately is dead, but she would come every year.

I know if she was alive, she wouldn't want to come for more than a month tops. It sounds like your mother has a busy life, the way she likes it, with a new man. And even though you are important, you are second to her husband, he has to come first, he is sick!
I hate to say this, and I am so sorry, but you are being a little selfish. 4-6 weeks away from all her stuff, her way of life is hard. plus her husband obviously doesn't enjoy a long visit.
Extra long visits are just not practical for most people.

Hmmm, well I think I am a little torn here, we had to move across the country from my parents for my husbands job. I hate it that they are missing out on my daughters growing up, but had we stayed we would have been ruined financially. But, still though she is your mom, she is still her own person too. I think you are going to have to be a little more understanding here. It sucks and I would be bummed too but you have to remember she is not only your mom but his wife. Put yourself in her shoes for a minute, if you had cancer and was struggling would you want your husband to be gone for several weeks? This won't last forever, hopefully he will get better and she can resume her long vacations with you. I do hope all the best for you and her in this stressful time.

If it were my mom, I would be very very sad. We're very close and it would really pain me for her to not be a part of my children's lives.

And, I would hope that other people would give me the same advice that you are getting. At a certain point, we let our children grow up and make their own choices, and we get to take our lives back too. Her husband is sick. She's trying to balance his needs and her needs and your needs. You want her to stay longer, but she can't, and so you should make the most of the time that you will have together.

I'm really sorry. It sounds like you are in a position that won't work out the way that you'd like. I hope that you can come to peace with it.

My In laws live in MN and we in VA. When we lived in CA we didn't see then for 2.5 years. We couldn't afford to go home, an O-2 military salary, they wouldn't travel that far .
When we moved to NC, she came for my hubby's retirement for a week. We could sometimes go home but last year we couldn't, we moved again, and havent' seen her in over a year and a half.
My FIL has never been to any of our houses, he only goes to my SIL's on Thanksgiving, if we don't go home to MN or to IL on Thansgiving we would never see him, he is a good man, I really do love him.
I also love my MIL dearly. I want her to come to our house, it's' easier for her to jump on a plane than it is for us, 3 kids, 3 dogs, 3 cats to drive or kennel the animals and fly ot MN.
I cherish the times I do have with her. She's a good MIL and a great grandmother to the kids.
At least your mom is coming back to America to see you. She has a man she is in love with and is trying to be with him as much as possible. She is torn. What if she were to go away for 6-8 weeks and something were to happen to him? That's a long time to be away from your husband. Would you leave your hubby and kids to go see her for 2 months?
As for my mom and dad they come from Chicago from 4 days, once a year. If I want to see her then I have to go to Chicago. I havent' seen my sister, from WI, in four years and we havent' seen my hubbys brother, OK, in almost five.
You are very blessed that she is coming to spend a month with you.
Start saving for a trip to England. Make it happen. Go see her on her turf.
Get Skype.
Send lots of pictures

why don't you go visit her?

If you don't think it's really money, could she pay for you to come visit her? And is it her money or her husband's? If it's her husband's and he worked a lot of years and was successful, it seems he's entitled to buy a motorhome and travel and enjoy his retirement. She's entitled to enjoy her retirement too and not feel so obligated to you. Her husband has CANCER. That's a really really big deal. You're an adult now. I have to say your question makes me worry a bit that my children will never ever grow up and stop expecting me to cater to them... It sounds like she's been a really good mother. Let her live her life. You have or should have your own now. I understand you're disappointed but remind yourself you're not a child anymore. Cancer can be fatal... Likely you wouldn't feel this way if it was your actual father but maybe she stayed with your father many years for your benefit and now loves this man and wants to be there for him when he's so sick. My mother didn't come one year because my father was sick. I wasn't mad! Of course she should stay with him. It was a given. And she hadn't come in over 2 years at that point.

It's great you are close (emotionally). So I would just talk to her - maybe write a letter to give you some time to process how you want to say it. I'd focus on how you feel about not having her near you and your son. Use "I" statements, I miss you, I am sad b/c you are not closer, I am hurt when you have to shorten your visits - all true on not placing blame... just sharing your feelings. Then you have to let her respond and digest. Good luck!

You can't make someone do what they don't want to do. Maybe she can come 2x a year for shorter visits, since your SD can't be home alone very long. I know it sucks for you, but it's her decision. Tell her how you feel. Maybe you can pay for her 2nd visit, since you can't afford to fly your family over there.