What Do You Think of This Question?

To be honest and I hope I don't offend any body.
I may have done the same comment just because sometimes it look like, in my case I OFTEN have the opposite. My older is mocha skin, dark eyes and hair, my younger is white, brown eyes and kind of redish hair (no idea why) and people have ask me if the little O. is mine, I don't get offended (unless I see an under mean tone) because she doesn't look NOTHING like me.

Before I came to America I never felt that I have to be so careful when talking about people of dark skin.
In Mexico we don't feel like saying black is a bad thing, with exception of some ignorants. We call "Negrito" to my cousin because he is the darkes of all of us, and we say it with love and never as a look down.
When I came here O. day I was with my MIL and I say:
"The black lady xyz", I don't even remember what it was.
OMG, my MIL yield at me and told me I could have got her in trouble?!
I was shock, I said as a color of skin and nothing else.
All since then I have being more careful of what I say but not because I see nothing wrong but because I know that in here, probably more then any other country, this is some sensitive subject and like my mom say, where you go do what they told...or something like that. No meaning that you have to follow everything you are told, but to follow and respect their ideas, or not that you don't have to do what you are being told, ok,I am talking in circles now, you get my point, I hope, lol.
I don't think the boys got offended unless they could hear a tone of voice or an actitud follow the comment, that make it look like something bad.

I think if you go back far enough, we are all brothers and sisters,
but that's probably more philosophy than an elementary school is ready for.

No, I think it was just an ice breaker ... not everyone is smooth when it comes to opening a conversation.

Why are you trying to make the situation out to be based on race? Give her a break... sheesh... it was just a question. I'm sure there wasn't that much thought behind it!

Here's what I think, since you asked...

People just don't......think

I do not believe any malicious/degrading intent was behind this statement.

Only the desire to be friendly.

And the lack of On The Spot Common Sense.

And I'm sure the Mom In Question regretted her question, however eventually. (Least I hope so).

:)

Would you have asked the question or felt funny if they were white? They shouldn't be treated any different. Black folks can get asked stupid questions just like the rest of us. :)

Hi Denise, I know I am late to this question but I just wanted to add something. I don't think the woman's question was racist. It wasn't well thought out, but asking that question is not malicious or ignorant.

I have travelled extensively over my whole life, and have often been the minority as a white person. If I had a dime for every time people have said "All you white people look alike", I would be rich. I never took it as being offensive, because they were used to seeing O. color of skin.

I really enjoy your posts, Denise, but I think your "So What Happened" was cruel. I live in a very ethnic and culturally diverse family and community. Just because some of these ladies didn't agree with you doesn't mean that they live in small worlds or are in denial. I get asked all the time if my friend is my sister, should I be offended that since we both have blue eyes and blond hair that people think we look alike?

People make dumb comments all the time. It doesn't mean that they are hateful, racist bigots that single out people who are different from them. I hope that if you serve alongside that mom again, that you will treat her with kindness and respect.

It's not my intent to anger or offend you, Denise. As I said, I really enjoy your posts on this site. I just want to be honest with you.

I agree that the question was stupid. But perhaps she wanted to say something to them - to reach out - and she didn't know what to say. I wouldn't put this in the "awful, exclusionary and dividing" category... more in the "insensitive, you-need-to-use-your-brain-before-you-talk" camp. I'm quite sure I've said something stupid in the past (possibly even yesterday) meaning well.

I save the "awful" camp for people who STILL use the "N" word or other blantanlty naked racist/homophobic/misogynist comments. Sadly, those people are still out there. For the others who might be trying, albeit maladroitly, let's cut them some slack.

I think you might be projecting your own feelings a little onto the boys. It seems that you have an accute sense of the injustice in the world. Its awesome that you are teaching your children to accept all people... just watch that you're not defeating your message by being judgemental of those that aren't. Your "So what Happened" came across very judgemental and condescending... I'm pretty sure you don't mean that.

Happy Friday and have a great weekend.

I would have found it odd, and I would have felt sorry for the boys, even though they may not have picked up on the ignorance of the question. But like you, I would have felt uncomfortable for them. As you noted, she didn't ask any of the white kids if they were siblings.

Perhaps it wasn't *intentionally* racist, but certainly an ingorant thing to say. It's hard to imagine that today, in 2011, there are still people floating around who don't see people as people, but first see them as a color.

It's hard to say, but my guess is that her question was innocently natured, but reeks of a sickeningly ubiquitous mentality that all folks aren't created equal, i.e. she didn't ask any white kids if they were siblings. When I see or hear things like this, I think of a person who may personally not be *racist* per se, but someone who hasn't completely risen above the racist mentality of past generations of the family she was raised in. And while the actual racism may have been diluted as it passed through generations, the ignorance that goes along with it still subsists. That's what I see in this lady. Watered down racism, that manifests as ignorance.

I doubt she even realizes that she said anything offensive, and if asked, would scoff at the idea that she may be thought of as racist. That's what I mean by ignorance. They don't believe they are racist, and they think that for all intents and purposes, they treat everyone as equals, but that thread of ignorance still exists in them.

Hopefully, in the generations to come, any racism that currently remains will be watered down to the point that it no longer exists in any quantifiable form.

She probably thought they did look like brothers. She probably was just trying to make them feel welcome by starting a small conversation, but it turned out awkward.

Race sometimes makes people feel extra nervous when you are in the majority. Had she asked two white kids that, would you feel odd about it? Probably not. I wouldn't try and make it a race issue.

I think it was an honest question. And I'm sure she meant no harm by it.

Denise...it sounds to me like maybe you had more of an issue with it than most people posting here. If I were you, I would examine whether or not this lady has said any other "racial" comments before. Was she disrespectful to the boys? Did she refuse to serve them?

She may have been asking a simple question to two little boys, maybe thinking that they are not included in conversations often. I know that when I would work at functions at school, I would always gravitate to kids who were sitting alone, being teased, or didn't have many friends, were obviously NOT the popular kids and pay more attention to them. I am not saying that this is the case for these two little boys, but maybe she felt the need to at least acknowledge them. I personally find this a loving gesture.

I think you are overreacting. Let this incident go. This mother took time out of her day to go to school and serve kids...not just "white" kids, simply, kids.

Seeing as how the kids were in 2nd grade, the question most likely did not make them feel bad. Was the question asked because, like you said, they were in the vast minority at this school? Most likely, yes. As the mother of 2 mixed-race children, I have had to learn to be a little more relaxed and try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I do not believe asking a question like this would automatically make someone a rascist, but it was a silly thing to do & does make her sound a bit uneducated (I prefer the word uneducated to ignorant based solely on the negative connotation ignorant has with rascism).

When my son (the first born) & I would be out & about when he was a newborn I used to get very bent out of shape when people, mostly older, would say, "He's so cute! What is he?" I often get confused looks as I walk through the grocery store in my abundantly-caucasian neighboorhood with my daughter and her gorgeous chocolate colored eyes and cafe au lait skin tone, and kinky hair, which again, I've learned to ignore.

You mentioned the types of food you were serving, but not what the boys were wearing, which to me is more important. With so many sibling dressing similarly or identically these days (even when they're not part of a multiple group and/or years apart in age), and I've heard so many folks think that if two or more kids are wearing the same/similar outfit they must be related. Its true! LOL

I don't think it was malicious in any way.

My little sister is adopted and we look nothing alike. However, for over 30yrs strangers always comment on how we "must be sisters because we look so much alike". Sometimes we'd giggle, sometimes my sister would tell them she's adopted, sometimes we'd joke that I was her mom. Sometimes people see things differently - to you, those boys may have not resembled each other; to her, they may have resembled each other. It doesn't make her a racist. Maybe her son talks about this two black friends from school that are brothers and she thought those two boys were them?

Folks ask me all.the.flippin.time if I'm my son's grandmother - they don't mean it to be offensive, they just happen to be used to seeing younger moms more often. (And I dye my roots as often as possible!!!)

EDITED to add: Every person on the planet says something stupid on many occasions in their lifetime. It doesn't make them hateful or racist. People see things thru different eyes (half of the planet thinks my son looks exactly like me, the other half thinks he looks exactly like my husband) and it doesn't make them hateful or racist. Its possible that you ONLY heard her ask that question to those boys, while she'd asked others during the day.

You have no idea what was going on in that woman's head and are making assumptions. Just like you're making assumptions that I'm in denial. You have no idea who I am or what kind of life I've led. Does it make a difference to you that I'm multi-cultural/racial? Or that I've lived in many states, sometimes as a majority, sometimes as a minority? Or that while growing up, my family hosted other families from other countries at least 3x/year? Or that I've been told I'm not welcome at an establishment. Or that I've been spit on, while my husband was pulled away from me and told "he can do better"?

What you're saying in your "So What Happened" section makes you seem to be like the person you're accusing the other woman of being (narrow minded and judgemental). Now, I can think to myself that "Denise P is narrow minded and judgemental", or I can think differently and that we agree to disagree on this matter without you trying to put me down or offend me.

It was tacky but innocently asked. I remember O. time I took my 10 month old to a play fountain in a park in a predominently African American suburb. It didn't hurt my feelings to be told comments about how WHITE my baby was as we really did stick out. I just laughed it off and agreed - he is white.

It started us on some really great conversations about parenting and I made some new friends.

I think people say things sometimes without thinking it through. I was not a nasty comment ....just a bit unaware.

I have three kids. Two boys and O. girl. My youngest is going to be 5 yrs in May. Her hair still has not grown in. She has never had a hair cut. We will be out around town and even though she is wearing a skirt with pink tights and a pink shirt usually with something girlish like butterflies. Somebody ALWAYS says something goofy. Oh your 3 boys are so cute..or how old is your youngest BOY. Now I honestly dont like the comments but its never the same person..they are not intentionally being rude. I dont make a big deal about it.

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Yes I think it was odd. It was probably just trying to make conversation, but really, what was the point in asking the question? Its not like if they were brothers it would explain why they did or didn't choose what she was serving.

M.

Yes, it was b/c they were 2 black faces in a sea of white faces! That woman has no shame! Her question was rude, tacky, uncomfortable, and racist. She sees two black people and automatically assumes they are related??? This woman is ignorant and needs an education! I hope the boys' parents didn't overhear that!

Well it is possible that she was asking out of some racist notion but I doubt it. She saw two boys who may not have been identical twins, but could have been fraternal twins who look very different just as different as any brother or sister, but were of the same color skin. And they were a minority there. So in her mind she wondered if they were brothers/twins. And she asked. I doubt it crossed her mind to ask anyone else(yes, probably because everyone else looked similar), and she probably didn't realize that she was pointing out that they were in some way different then everyone else. I also doubt the boys picked up on it. I was often asked if my brother and I were twins growing up, as well as if a cousin and me were twins. My bro and I are not twins, and obviously not my cousin either both are boys and don't look much like me. I didn't think too much of it as a young kid, as i got older i tended to just think it was a stupid question. Anyway, your questions, no I don't think it was overly odd to ask that, I have heard much stupider questions asked, No it most likely didn't make them feel bad, they probably thought it was stupid if anything, and finally was the cause that it was 2 black faces amid white, probably, but was it racist, probably not. As a young person I had a hard time understanding racism, and did a lot of study on it in college, because i just could not grasp the concept. My best friend in middle school was black, I am white, it never crossed my mind to tell anyone she was black, when asked what she looked like I told my parents she had dark hair and brown eyes, because they specifically asked that. I never mentioned her skin color, so my parents were surprised when they met her and asked why I didn't mention she was black. I just didn't think of it, it wasn't a feature that stood out to me as a kid. And today I still tend to notice skin color the same way as I notice hair and eye color. I don't pay a lot of attention to it. Now on O. hand this attitude sounds great, but it also made me very ignorant of things that were truly racist. And I was unable to understand how others felt because of racism, this was not a good quality. It took me a lot of time and study to figure it out, and to really grasp the why, which I am not sure I fully understand(seriously is skin color any different than eye or hair color?), but now I do tend to recognize racism and don't think i am as ignorant as I once was. And in this situation I it appears she was not being racist, but noticing a difference that stood out to her(a different kind of ignorance maybe). anyway, that is my take on it.

I'm sure she meant no harm, but it's still rather insensitive, as it was obviously because they are 2 black faces in a sea of white ones. It probably didn't consciously make them feel bad, but I suppose it could have on some level continue to make them feel like they stand out, like they are different. Which they must already feel pretty strongly. I just hear the silent response: "Why would we be brothers? Because we're both black?"

My best friend for years looked nothing like me. Dark hair,dark eyes, long face, thin, small little mouth...I am blonde, blue eyed, full lips, heavy...we look nothing alike. We ALWAYS got asked if we were sisters.
I don't think it made them feel bad unless they don't like each other.
L.

i dont think it is odd. there are fraternal twins lol... or they could have been back to back babies. i dont think it made them feel bad i think they were probably thinking what?!?!?! and laughing in their heads lol. my best friend and i were always getting asked is we were sisters :) i think this mom was just trying to be friendly and didnt mean anything by it :).

Hi, Denise:
Could be an introductory question to start a conversation.
Just a thought.
D.

Maybe she thought she saw a resemblence. I know that I don't think my husband really looks like his brothers (except eye color) but other people swear they look a lot alike (I just don't see it...my husband has a different shaped nose, darker coloring, etc.).

Depending on how closely born it is possible to siblings that are not twins to be in the same grade (for instance my mom and her brother). My mom just missed the cut off and her little brother just made it so they started school the same year.

I see nothing wrong with the question. Fraternal twins do not look the same, it's also possible that brothers (not twins) can be in the same grade.

Sorry, but I think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill.

I love how Anna-Marie put it. I have a good friend from high school who is also white and a brunette like me. We were ALWAYS asked if we were sisters. I have another friend now whose physical features are very different from mine and we've also been asked the same thing. Your posts on here are great, but please don't make everything about race with this O.. The question was probably just not very well thought out at all and I'm sure she meant no harm:).

Loni

How did they answer her question??