What Do You Think?

I can't give advice on this, but I'll pray for you.

I wish I had some profound wisdom that I could pass onto you. I just want you to know that I'm so sorry for you and your son's loss. My advice -- be gentle with yourself. I guess I don't see how you can force yourself to be in the mood for Christmas. Rather than trying to do the full blown Christmas thing, is there something that you can do to honor your husband's memory that will also help you move into the new year? I had a friend whose father died when she was in college and she and her mother and sister used to go away every year for Christmas like on a cruise or a trip somewhere.

Do you have family and friends who are close who can help celebrate Christmas with you and your little guy? Perhaps then, you will feel some support during the holidays which are bound to be a difficult time. If you haven't already done so, you might also consider counseling. A counselor would probably be able to help you through your grief in a proactive way.
Good luck to you -- you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Dear R.-
I wanted to just lend you another shoulder of support. Although I have not been through this personally, I work for a widow and nanny her two girls. Their dad died 7 days before Christmas last year. So, I am working through their emotions with them. Don't be afraid to just be sad this year. I think that since your baby boy is just 2, it is okay not to make a big production of it. Being frustrated is sooo normal. It takes a long time to adjust to a completely different way of life than you planned. Just take it one day at a time. Pray alot (if you are the praying type). See if you can find another playgroup! Look forward to seeing your baby grow and to what life has in store for you. I am glad you came back to Mamasource.

M.

First of all I would like to express my condolences. I can't know what you feel or what you have gone through.
I lost my Grandmother last year right before Christmas and I have so not been in the 'holiday' mood this year. Basically I've just been taking the 'fake-it-till-you-make-it' attitude. I want my son's first Christmas to be great, even though he won't remember it, there will be pictures and videos and I don't want to be the scrooge frowning in the back. Everyday I fake it, it becomes easier and easier..... the other day I found myself humming a Christmas Carol!
I don't know as if you were actually shunned from your group or not... I think it may have been that maybe they were waiting for you to contact them. I know if one of my friend's suffered a major loss such as yours I would step back and give them any room they need. If they actually did shun you then I think you should find a new playgroup because you deserve better than that.
I hope you can find the Christmas Spirit inside yourself. Just think of your child, focus on your beautiful baby and how wonderous Christmas can be. Feel free to send me a private message if you would like.
Remember... time does heal all wounds. It's never a quick fix and it sucks, but if you're patient eventually your heart will heal.

Hello R.
First I am very sorry for your loss. Losing someone to sucide is such a tragic ending. We lost my brother in law , he and my husband were very close and I was close to him as well.
It was very hard because we weren't really sure if he OD'D or if it was an accident. See he was hooked on vicodin, zanflex and percocet. He had started to kick the habit but went back to them, and from what I read sometimes people go back to them after quiting they go back to taking what they were before and since their system was clean and they take the same amount which can be a few pills at a time they end up OD'ing because their body is not ready for that many pills again.

He was on life support for about a week before his wife , actually they were in the mist of a divorce because of the drugs. She didn't want to pull the plug which we all understood. But they did it. And 1 day later he passed. He was only 42.

Its hard to get in Christmas spirit after you lose a loved one. I am having a hard time as well just because of money issues.

But I put up a few things for Christmas and put on some of my favorite Christmas music.
Do you have family around you? Is it just you and your son for the most part?
If its just you and your son without any family around just do some special things just you and him, take him to see the Christmas lights, take him to see Santa if he is not afraid of him. Take him shopping with you , get a tree even if its just a small tree and let him help decorate it with you.

The one's who shunned you just move on and find another group. There are some out there for Single (even though you are a widow) parents that can be a great support for you.

Just know that some of us on here care about you and your son.
Its hard but you will get thru this and come out stronger.
Just be there for your son and enjoy having him with you.
He is a blessing and he needs his mom.

Take care
S.

I'm very sorry to hear about your husband, I'm sure these last six months have been hard. I have never experienced something like that myself, and can't imagine how painful it would be. My heart goes out to you.

As for the playgroup shunning you, not that it's any excuse, but I'm sure that they don't know what to do. So instead of being there for a shoulder and suppport they avoid what is uncomfortable. I would guess that it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with their own feelings of inadequacies in dealing with the situation. It really is a shame that they couldn't set their own feelings aside and be there for a friend. I'm sorry that you feel abandoned. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with.

My only ideas for the holidays is to simply have joy for the things that you do have, such as your baby. You could try to start some new traditions of your own with your son. My daughter and I go out and drive around looking at Christmas lights with our pajamas on, and we'll go through a drive through to get a snack along the way. It amazes me how much my daughter loves such a simple thing, her joy, and enthusiasm rubs off on me when I'm feeling weighed down by the holidays.

I wish I had better advice, to help you make it through the holidays easier. I hope you have fun with your son, enjoy these years they go by so fast.

R.,

First let me say I'm deeply sorry for your loss. Suicide is a devistating event to recover from especially when it is your husband. To be frustrated and even angry at your spouse is completely normal. As for being shunned, I'm sad to say that suicide still carries a sigma in our society. However, sometimes it is just that people don't know how to help you so they decide that they should give you some space until you reach out to them.

Please reach out to someone for some help and support. It sounds like you need to talk with a professional councelor. They can help you find a way to move on with your life and make peace with the situation your husband has left you in.

Speaking as someone who has had to deal with the suicide of a family member I speak from experience. Don't let his decision trap you in a sad and lonely life devoid of joy. Living for your baby boy is wonderful, but you have to live for yourself too. Try to find something to celebrate this year even if it is something small.

God bless and have a lovely Christmas with your son.

J. N.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I cant even begin to imagine what youre going through. I dont have much advice for you but I'm sorry your play group did that to you. I have a 16 month old girl at home, if you would want to get together to have a play date, I would be more than willing. She does need the socialization. All I can say to you is to keep your head up. You have a little one at home who really looks to you for comfort. He can tell when there is something wrong. Just do your best to keep your spirits up even when there seems to be nothing to look forward to. I hope this helps some, even in the tiniest way. Merry Christmas!
--S.

R., I'm sure everyone here's heart goes out to you. I know mine does.

All I can say is, go through the motions. Like smiling raises your spirits whether you were faking it or not, somehow the holiday rituals will put you into a holiday mood - at least a little. And if they thrill your son, you'll find joy in his happiness.

Otherwise, the old adage about counting your blessings is probably all you can do. Counting your blessings is a way to redirect yourself from the things that sadden you to the things that gladden you. You surely have blessings, despite your family tragedy -the most obvious being your son.

The only other thing I can think of is a trick I used to help pull myself out of depression after my divorce, which was very, very contentious, leaving me totally wracked by fear and depression.

Anyway what I did was to create a list of things I enjoy, from the very smallest (smelling cinnamon, buying myself flowers, taking a walk, cup of hot tea, etc.) to the very largest sort (road trip). Ultimately, the list got to be something like 120 items. When I felt really bad, I'd go to my list and there would always be at least one thing I'd be willing to do. Because it was something I liked, I would always feel just a smidgen better than before I did it. Then I'd pick another item on the list and do that one. After, I'd feel another smidgen better. After doing three or four things on the list, my mood would lighten and I would feel more like I belonged here on earth.

Good luck to you R., and God bless. I hope you find a surprising amount of joy this holiday.

I read through the other responses - and jsut wanted to echo what they all said....

Also, know that 6 mos is really soon in the grieving process. Don't expect too much of yourself - and give yourself time.

Your son is young enough that he isn't going to be caught up in the 'trappings' of an American Christmas. THis is the age where you spend money on presents only to have the kid spend the day playing with the boxes they came in!

I guess I am saying to push yourself to make Christmas a 'big deal'.....It will be special b/c you and your son are special.

I would also recommend finding a support group. I know there are number of grief groups in the metro and I would expect that there would be a survivors of suicide type group too. (Although grieving is similar amongst people, those surviving a loved one who committed suicide have additional issues and it can help to talk to others who know that experience)

I am really saddened that you lost a support group during this time too. I suspect they just didn't know what to say and rather than risk offending you/saying the 'wrong' thing they opted to say nothing.
Peace to you and your son! Take it one day at a time. (or one minute at a time if you need to!)

R.,

I do not have any great advice to give you besides be strong and be there for your child. It may seem hard, but you will make it through this.

As for the play group, please don't go back. They could of considered suicide a "taboo". But it happens. It isn't something that people like to talk about, but it does happen. Sometimes it is the only way people feel they have.

For Christmas...your joy will come to you when you see that beautiful baby opening his presents and having all the peace and happiness in the world. I hope it warms your heart and gives you some relief from the pain.

Your future now is your son and helping him to grow into a great man. That is now your single purpose. Teach him about how great of a Dad he had.

You can do it and be happy again. I am so sorry for your loss. No matter what happened, stand tall and proud. You have learned that life is short and that you need to enjoy all that it has to offer. It is easier said than done, but you will be fine.

Hi R.,
I am proud of all the wonderful responses you have gotten and I will echo them - this is really, really tough time, you will make it.

My dad died at the age of 54, when I was 31 and 4 months pregnant with my first child. He had 20 horses too. I was just in such shock, he hadn't been ill and his father had lived til 90. I know that being pregnant helped me though the hard times, no matter what, I had a baby coming. He died a few days before Thanksgiving. I remember feeling physically ill at the Thanksgiving table, like how can you people eat and be laughing - MY DAD JUST DIED! Well, I have learned a lot from his death...

First, most people just don't know what to do or what to say to you. They still care about you, but don't want to do or say anything to make it worse - so they pretend it didn't happen to some extent.

Second, while my experience is different than yours - I can tell you this is what I found about healing. It takes a long time. And the medicine to make it better is called - time. At first, my memories made me cry. Then gradually, I'd get a smile amoungst the tears. Eventually, the smiles outweigh the tears. (My dad passed 5 years ago Nov 21.) I NEVER realized that people would still be mourning the loss of their loved ones 5 years later, let alone a year later. I just thought, like everything else, you pick yourself up and trudge through it.

Now, I make a point to talk to my friends, neighbors and coworkers who have lost a spouse or loved one. I say - geesh, it's Christmas time, I bet you're feeling some of what I'm feeling - I miss my dad. And gosh, their feelings just gush out of them - they just wanted someone to ask. So, while I don't have someone else out there who figured this out to do it for me - I did figure that out and try to pass it on to others.

We never know what the next person is going through. They could have just no experience with death and have no idea what to do. They might have a recent painful event that doesn't allow them to reach out to you (or handle your situation) at all right now. They might just not want to make it worse.

You are still so much going through the normal phases of grief. I hope that you can find a support group in your area, or find a conselor you can speak with, or a friend or family member. Tell them, I need to talk to you about this. They will listen. Getting it out of you is important, otherwise it festers like a physical wound.

So, what will help you with Christmas this year? What will help you with the coming year? Your 2 year old is the answer to that. That baby's been through a lot at a young age. YOU ARE WHAT HEALS HIM. So, just enjoy him. Take him to see a friend, an amusement, Christmas lights, Santa - whatever you feel like you can do. And when you see his reaction, it will be healing to you too. If you don't have family around or close friends, go to them for some time soon. Definately find a support group. When you feel like - what's the point - you remember that baby. You are his life, so you live yours the best you can.

You have a tough road ahead. But it will get better. Don't expect that to happen too fast, it takes a lot of time. One day you will think - OH MY GOSH, I just had a good hour, then it will be a good day that snuck up on you and suddenly it will get better and better. (And then a bad day will sneak up too, but you'll get through it).

Hang in there. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you are going through because I didn't live with my dad and I didn't have a toddler to take care of yet. (Just those darn horses, which made me see the humor my dad must have felt at seeing his cityslicker son-in-law trying to manage...)

Please report back to us so we know how you are doing. Remember, your husband's death was not your fault. It's natural to feel guilt no matter how a close person dies. And his death, was not your death. He left you a tough road, but he left you a precioius companion for the trip - your son.
God Bless you - God Loves you - God wants you to be happy.
K.

First off let me say i'm sorry to hear about your husband. As for your celebrating x-mas, do it for your son. As for your group maybe they are judgemental and thought for some reason u are a bad person because your husband killed himself which that was very wrong of them because your husband made his own choices even if they weren't a good way to choose. If you ever need to talk my e-mail address is ____@____.com.

I do not know what to say that could even begin to make you feel better. I guess that the only suggestion that I have is to try new things with your son that will make Christmas a great time of year! Have him help you with making cookies and go look at lights together. If you are from around KC, Longview Lake is a great place to take kids of any age....you can stay in your car and he could climb up front and watch all the lights. If you think it is okay you could get him a gift that would be symolic of his dad....maybe a fishing pole and go fishing in the spring if dad liked to fish....maybe a pretend tool set if dad was a handyman, etc.
As for friends not being there anymore...maybe like the other lady said..they are not sure how to act or what to say to not offend and they are waiting for you to approach them. Each person deals with loss different.

Merry Christmas! I am sorry for your loss! C.

I just lost my uncle to suicide and burried him this past Saturday. It is still fresh and it hurts to know that someone can be in that much pain to want to take their own life. But I do have the understanding that this was his decision and there was nothing that anyone could have done to change his outcome but him. You need to love yourself and your son and GOD will take care of the rest. About the playgroup, you may not have understood it then but all things happen for a reason and you never know, that group of people may not have been the people you needed to be around. As for Christmas do what is comfortable for you and your baby, not what everyone elses expectations are. God bless you and have a beautiful holiday season, you both are in my prayers.

Hi R., I'm sorry for your loss. It may be hard, but please keep in mind, this was your husbands decision & it had nothing to do with you or your son. It is something he felt he had to do for himself.
To answer your first question... You son is the #1 key to putting you in the mood for Christmas. Seems like a huge load for a 2 year old, but they are amazing, all he has to do is be a toddler. Kids are innocent & everything is new & amazing to them. They are constantly learning. Things we take for granted (birds flying by, the moon, etc) amazes them. Focus on this incense. Create your own traditions. You can start tonight. Frosty the snowman will be on CBS (I think) tonight. My 2 yr old son loves Frosty. Make your son's favorite meal for supper... even if it's a waffle with syrup. Then sit down together & watch Frosty. Something we are going to do to help focus on the reason for the season, is bake a birthday cake for baby Jesus on Christmas day. Also, we read a Christmas story each night that reminds us of the reason for the season & my son sings happy birthday to baby Jesus. It also helps me to put everything in perspective.
#2 - you are frustrated because you are confused... you have so many questions & no one can answer them. This is why you need to find a new support group who understands what you are going through. They won't be able to answer your questions, but they may have the same ones.
#3 - Pretty much what everyone else has said. When people don't understand something, they tend to back away from it. They don't do it to be mean, but because they too are confused by what happened & how to deal with it.
The answer to #4 - again, is your son. Every day he will learn something new & do something new or funny. Kids change & grow so fast as this age. Every day is a new day. Create a calendar for 2008 using his pictures. (you can do this at Wal-mart.com). Then each time he says something cute or new, put it on the day on your calendar. It may not always be a good thing (example: told me "no" when I tried to put his shoes on), but these small things show he's growing & becoming his own person. This will give you something good & happy to focus on & look back on when you are having a tough time getting. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Hi R.,
I'm really bad about reading these things in a timely manner, so I just saw your posting. I hope you made it thru the holidays ok and that your little boy helped you be happy - even for just a little bit. I bet his excitement made you smile! Everything you are feeling is completely normal, you lost something that is very important to you. It's even worse, because your baby needs you and you feel helpless because you need someone too. I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and I'll pray for you to make it thru. Do your best to remember the good times and the bad times - because these are what made your husband the man he was. Tell your little boy everytime he does something that reminds you of your husband. His smile, his laugh, the way he leaves his clothes all over the place. This well help him connect and help you remember. I'm sorry that you were not invited back to the playgroup you were part of - some people are so uncomfortable about other peoples pain that they don't know how to act around them - maybe this was the reason. I wish you all the best and if you ever want to talk, I'd love to be there for you. Take care.

I'm sorry to hear of your husbands passing. I am sicken to hear that anyone would shun you especially because your situation. We have a daughter that is 3 1/2 and we live in Raytown and I have a friend also in Raytown that is wanting to start a play group she has a grandson that is almost a year and one that is 2. I would love to have you join us for a playdate.

Suggestions about the holidays.I think that because your child is still so small and not really knowing what's going on you should do what feels best for you. That maybe anything from not putting up a tree or going all out, what ever you feel is the right thing to do for you. Maybe by next year your outlook with be different. Take care :-)

This is the first time I have been on this site and I really don't know much about it, but SHAME ON THE GROUP who shunned you instead of supporting you and lifting you up in your time of loss and grief!!! I am sorry... Simple things will please your 2 year old more than tons of gifts and money spent. He is not going to be suffering like you are this Holiday. I don't know your religious beliefs, but there are awesome churches who have support groups that really help you get through this tough time. Best wishes and God bless...

What are you doing to keep yourself busy? Well, I know with a baby you are busy. Do you work away from home?
It is no wonder you are frustrated. Anyone that shunned you was not a friend to start with.
People are very strange animals...when they don't understand something they try to just avoid the situation. As they were afraid to say anything or didn't know what to say to you they have shunned and hurt you.
Have you thought about moving to a new area? Have you gone to any support groups? Is there anyone you feel comfortable talking with?
Make this a wonderful Christmas for you and that beautiful little boy.

Hi, R.,
First, I am sorry for your loss. Suicide is a terrible thing for those that are left behind. You need to remember that it was not your fault. It was solely your husband's choice to end his life, and had no responsibility or blame on you. You need to celebrate Christmas for yourself as well as your son. Life goes on, even though you feel sad and alone right now. Look at the big picture...you may have lost your husband, but he lives on through your son. Give your son everything your husband missed in his life. Watch his face light up when he sees santa, or opens his presents. You have to go on with your life for him. I hope you have a merry christmas.

So many people have already said what I wanted to say. The ways to be "in the mood" for Christmas are any of the things that make you happy. Get a pedicure and paint your toenails Christmas Red. Take your baby out for dinner on a "date." Make some goals for the coming year to give yourself something to look forward to. Make them things like: I'll take my baby on a day trip to a new place, I'll learn a new skill this year, etc. I'm not telling you to avoid thinking about your husband, it's just that there are so many times that you can't help thinking about the situation, you need to provide yourself with some diversions.
Six years ago, my husband left me 2 weeks after christmas (which was also 2 weeks after our 3rd child was born) and it ruined christmas for me for several years. My first christmas as a single mom was the anniversary of my husband's leaving, but i had to pull it together for my 5, 3, and 1 year olds. I don't pretend to be in the same boat as you, but i understand the feelings. The people around me shunned me because not only did they not know how to deal with my grief, but my presence made them feel guilty about their own joy and happiness. People don't want to talk about how great their life is in front of someone who is suffering.

I am so sorry for your struggle and I pray that you find the right support to lift your spirit, because that will help the most.

jenn

Dear R.,

I am very sorry for your loss. I don't know the details of your husband suicide, but you cannot continue to blame yourself or others for his actions. We are powerless over other peoples behavior. I am sure this is hard for the both of you, but your son is 2 and the death of his father I don't believe he can understand that. He just knows his father is gone. You must lift your spirits for your child. Children can tell when things are not right and it not fair to you or your child to suffer anymore. You know about the play ground issue. Maybe the women just thought you needed time. Sometimes when our lifes are not at there best we can read more into things then there really are. I feel you should just go back to the play ground and let your child get back into the routine you had. Frustrated and shunned, you need to move on and just continue with your life. Acceptance: Your husband is gone. May God Bless him. Your child is still here, show him a good life. Have a wonderful new year with, Love him with all you can. Remember we can only do the best we can. Always let him remember his father in all the good ways. As you should. What helps to have a good year. Happiness,Love and Joy. These are things you need to give yourself and your son. We cannot change the past. But we always have the strenght to make our future better. God promises us that daily. Best of luck to you. May you have a wonderful Christmas and May God Bless You and Your beautiful little boy.

I don't have any advice, I just wanted to say God bless your family during this terribly difficult time.

Also, I can't believe that other mothers could be so insensitive to one of their own! I can think of a few names I'd like to call them but won't b/c it's a family site ;-). It could really be that they wanted to give you some space and respect your privacy...

I am so sorry! people can be so mean. you know if they can't be there for you then you need to find another group. I know there are alot of play groups in churchs that anyone can go and won't push you into anything.You have a alot of differents feelings. it's all normal. My friens husband died many yrs ago and It was hard for her too. but you got to go on for him. he needs you and know that life is normal as it can be. Do you have family around or do you have a suppory group to go to??? that would help too. I know my church will not judge you and will be there for you if you need to talk. A. L

Hello R.,
I understand your pain. I myself lost my husband in 04. You don't have to do anything big for Christmas he's still little. You are going to be frustrated and you are going to ask why alot more. I don't know why the other mom's acted like that, I know they will never understand. I don't know how you can look that far ahead and don't try, you need to just take one day at a time. I know it's tough but you need to think about you and the little one. Just keep your faith I know you are questioning it right now, you will never understand why this happen but time will heal the pain. Even if it doesn't seem like it now. Well you will be in my prayers. God luck and God Bless

R....I just saw your posting. I'm so very sorry for your loss and am so glad you made it through the holidays as best you could. I would strongly encourage you to reach out to Solace House. We have support groups for children, individuals and families. Specifically where you are concerned, we have a spouse loss group that might be very helpful. Solace House provides a loving and supportive environment. www.solacehouse.org.

Blessings!

R.,

I am so sorry for your loss and I am equally sorry for your being shunned. I am new to mamasource but it seems to be a good place for networking and exchange. It is so sad that our society is so out of touch with death that most people do not know how to respond but instead withdraw which is not supportive to those grieving. If you are not in grief counseling, please go. You need the support, a safe place to cry and process your grief. It will help you in being able to give your son what he needs.

As far as being happy for the holidays, I understand completely because I have also suffered a loss that is making it difficult for me to enjoy the holiday season for my young children. What has helped me, besides having a safe place to process my grief, is to find as many opportunities to experience humor and lightheartedness. I have made a ritual of watching Scrubs in the evening because it makes me laugh. I also get out and find things to take the focus off of me, staying at home draws me into thinking about my pain. Also, focusing on helping others is hugely healing. Giving to others and then accepting help and love in return is a big help. Singing carols to the elderly in homes is very rewarding. Focus on your son who is your greatest gift. You will survive this.

Love and blessings,
M.

R. ... I am so very sorry for what you have had to endure this past year. I was married for eleven years to someone who was often suicidal and it just made me sick. I finally realized that I couldn't "fix" him or handle his problems and that it was best for me to get out for my own sanity and that of my son's who was four when I finally divorced. I know everyone's circumstances are different and I totally understand that you're confused, angry, pissed off, sad, lonely. I'm wondering if you have checked into any support groups for those who have lost a spouse? I don't know if there is a local one that is mainly for losses due to suicide but I bet there would be one in OKC.

As for the playgroup, I'm not sure which one you were affiliated with. There are different groups that meet often (most informally) at the public library in the children's department. It's a great place for the children to socialize as well as a place for parents to visit with other adults and exchange ideas, advice, and sometimes just be a listening ear. You should drop in some time as your son will enjoy himself and you might get a break and make some new connections. It's perhaps that this old group just didn't know what to say so they didn't say anything at all. I'm sorry about that.

Your husband did a crappy thing to his family but what is done is done. Try to focus on the good memories and realize your own strength and potential for yourself and your son. You two have a great life ahead of you so get a plan in mind and think for the future and what needs to be done to take care of yourselves. I didn't ask though, do you have a supportive employer? An extended family? That can definitely help too. Well, I hope I didn't talk too much. I just found a lot of joy these last few years with me and my son and have regained independence that was lost (partly due to the ex and partly because I let him) and life has gotten better. It will for you too. Please write back if you'd like! Take care, J.

I am sorry for your loss and I will keep you and your son in my prayers. I don't know if you have a relationship with God, but prayer always works.

First, I am so very sorry for your loss...not that that will take away any of your pain...but nothing that happened was your fault.

As for x-mas, I'm not sure what to say, though maybe you have an oppurtunity to celbrate x-mas in a way that does not focus on the material...maybe set the day aside for only you and your son. After what you've been through everyone will understand why you don't feel the social butterfly. Maybe by telling your son stories of his dad, why you loved him etc...you can even start a whole new tradition, where you celebrate his life as opposed to mourning it.

Your sadness is understandable, and your son is too...maybe just rely on each other to get through the holiday.

And I'm sorry if you were shunned...that's not right at all, both you and your son need all the support in the world right now. If you live in Lawrence, there are many things to do with the children and you should take part!

I just want to say sorry for your loss.

I think when people commit suicide for whatever reason its the easy way out. Sad to say.

I would decorate, put the tree up have presents for the little guy, he shouldnt have to suffer because his dad took his life. Its normal to feel the way you feel just need to find the answers to why he did what he did.

Alot of people dont know what to say when someone has a loss or no matter how they lose a loved one, but I think its cruel to be shunned from a group.

Celebrate your husbands life at the same time u mourn his death. Just remember its not your fault he took his own life and you should live your life like he is still around.

Hope that helps and makes sense.

G.

Hi R.,
I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband.
I am sad that your support group has fizzled out on you. I know that a lot of people are very uncomfortable knowing what to say to someone after the death of a loved one and I'm sure that it is even more so after a suicide. It's sad that people pull away when others need them the most.

I know that one of the funeral homes in our area offers free grief support groups for people in the community (even if you did not use that home) and I think something like that might be a good thing for you to check into. They have different groups for different situations, I've even seen a group offered that helps people deal with the holidays. I think it could be great for you if you were able to talk with other people that have had the challenge of dealing with the suicide of a spouse. Also, if your school district offers an early childhood program like Parents as Teachers, they mihgt be able to help you find a good support group.

I am sure that you are angry, and that makes it especially hard to deal with the Christmas time. Please be easy on yourself, just let your son know how much you love him and that's what's most important at Christmas anyway. You don't have to do it all every year, some years need to be more mellow than others, and then with the passing of time you will be able to create new happy traditions with your son.

I wish you peace in the new year as you learn to cope with a new normal for you. I hope you are able to meet up with a group of people that can give you the support that you need and deserve. Best of luck to you and your son. L.

I just wanted to encourage you and let you know that I am praying for you and your little man. I do not know if you are religious, but certainly focusing on the bigger meaning of family at this time might help. Also, trying to remember the joy a child has for this season could help you turn your focus to what would make him happy. If I read correctly, 6 months?, then please don't beat yourself up for feeling "frustrated". Your loss if very new and you are a widow as well as a mommy. It is OK to feel both sadness and joy during this time. Good luck and God bless

This must be a very tough time of year for you, and Im very sorry for your family's loss. I could think of 100 different reasons you could be frustrated, suicide is a very selfish way to deal with things, especially with a small child involved, but you loved him and dont want to feel angry, so im sure that leaves you frustrated. I dont knwo why you would have gotten shunned other than maybe other mom's didnt know what to say? Maybe they thought you would be taking time away to grieve? Are there any moms that were easier to talk to maybe than others that you could outright ask? What can help you look forward to the new year? I guess realize that it will get easier. You'll have very tough times, and times that arent so rough. Try to find some joy around you. With a two year old that shouldnt be too hard. Their eyes light up at pretty simple things, and you'll find that you just cant resist a smile. Best of luck to you and yours

R.,
I would suggest that you join a MOPS group in your area. I'm not sure where you live, but I attend the MOPS group in Dardenne Praire...You would never be shunned from a group like MOPS. (Mother's of Preschoolers) You would have a lot support, love & prayers from this group.

Please let me know if I can be of anymore help to you...you can e-mail me directly at ____@____.com

C. Sutton; Mother of four wonderful children

Bless your heart. What a horrible ordeal for you and your baby to go through. Are there any support groups you can get involved with. I want to cry for you since I have a brother that almost committed suicide and he still refuses to see his depression for what it is. I don't know the reasons of your husbands death, no matter, it is dreadful for all parties to endure. If you are Catholic and live in the Wichita Diocese, I am sure there are some programs at the Spiritual Life Center that you can become involved with. It is not your fault he committed suicide but the grief is just as difficult.
Being in the mood for Christmas is a great way to put it. To be honest, I personally, am not in the mood for Christmas due to lack of finances for my children's Christmas and I haven't even put the tree up. I am trying at this moment trying to move the focus of Christmas from material to the Catholic way of Christmas as a celebration of the birth of Jesus. Right now, it is probably difficult to see anything as something to celebrate. You might have lost your husband but you have a prize that is the blood line of your husband. My next question would be, are you close to your husband's family? If they are supportive find some time to spend with them to grieve but also cherish this little life that you have with you.
Frustration is totally understandable. People have such a negative back-lash to suicide that people fail to see that most often then not there is a mental health issue that wasn't dealt with. I guess that is where the shunning is involved. In the case of being parents, we are all responsible for our own actions. The sad situation for you is probably the helplessness you felt when your husband took his life. Suicide is often seen as a selfish act which of course elevates the intensity of the situation. I have no easy answers. The main thing is to find a support group who will listen to you and your grievances. Please respond back if any of this is helpful to you. I am in healthcare and find that listening to people helps make them feel a little more relieved. It helps with the healing process. Your goal for the new year is to find a support group that will listen and accept you. If you need help please email me privately if you live in Wichita and I will talk to some of the doctors at work as to where you can go with this. God bless. Your family will be in my family's prayers.

I don't really have any advice, I just wanted to offer you my condolences and to let you know that you and your son will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Respectfully,
M.

1. Since baby boy is still young, take this Christmas off.
But girlfriend, be ready for next year.
2. You are frustrated because those shallow play group ladies
failed you and because your hubby is not with you.
3. You got shunned because when it comes down to the wire,
not to many people have your back. I have found that most
people are in this life game for themselves.
4. You and mostly your baby will help to look forward to the
new year to come.

You hold your head up, put a smile on your face, and be strong for baby boy. Time will tell. Love Ya!!

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. This time of year must be hard for you especially, however you really should try to concentrate on Christmas for your two year old. Like you said, he does not understand what is going on. You have the right to feel the way you do and do not let anyone tell you different. It's sad to hear what happened to you with the playgroup. What you are going through must be hard and for others not to understand or at least try to be supportive must not be a friend at all. One thing you could try to do is surround yourself with family and good friends during this time. It's going to take baby steps to get through this time in your life and I can only imagine what your are going through. If you need someone to talk with I am here for you. I have not been through what you are going through, but I am a good listener. I wish you and your son the best and please try to remember there are people out there that do care. Again buzz me a line if you need to vent, I will listen.

Shar

I am so sorry for your loss. People shun, ignore, and push away people, situations, and things they do not know how to handle or understand. Selfish yes, but many do it without realizing it. Don't fake happiness, find it, and make it real! You have a healthy child who needs you; that is a great reason to feel happy. Your situation is sad and overwhelming at times I am sure, but regardless of what we are going through-IF WE STOP, LOOK, LISTEN, FEEL, AND THINK, THERE IS TRULY POSITIVE, LOVE, AND HAPPINESS IN OUR LIVES. God gives us challenges-it's up to us to conquer them. Warmest wishes!

I am so sorry you've had to go through this. God is with you always and remember that other people are often not as strong as we need them to be. Please message if you need to talk.

-J.

R.,

It is good to hear from you again, I was wondering what happened to you, but am terribly sorry to hear of your loss. First off, those that have ignored and "shunned" you are those that dont understand and dont want to take the time too, therefore I suggest just simply being the better person and instead of looking at it this way, feel as though it is a new chapter and that particular group just doesnt fit into it. Secondly, as far as Christmas is concerned, I too am having a difficult time adjusting to a loss from suicide and this is my 4 month anniversary. All I can say as I am sure you have heard numerous times, do what you can and time will sort everything else and fake it until you make it. Get a bubble machine and just let him play in the bubbles with his favorite music or video playing and just make it all about him and maybe not focus so much on it being a holiday, if that would help? Frustration, because life has dealt you a raw hand, do the best you can! and the next year is coming whether we are ready for it or not, so just embrace that you have your little man to ride this rollercoaster we call life. Best wishes to you both and happy holidays!

I can't say I understand what you are going through, but my BFF lost her father due to suicide when we were 12, and lost her mother last year. I don't know how hard it is to have this happen to you, but i do understand how hard this is for the family. But I know you can be strong and you will get through it. Just take it one day at a time. And you might also want to look into a grief conselor for yourself. It will help you w/ all the emotions you are feeling so you will be better able to take care of your son. It really helped my BFF.
So to answer your questions:
1. you can't make yourself be in the Christmas mood. Just do your best to put a smile on your face and just keep things low key. He is only 2, he probably won't remember anyway.
2. Frustration is normal. You feel alone, like nobody understands what you are going through...and that is true most dont. But it will get better. Day by day you will get there.
3. You probably weren't shunned....maybe they just thought you needed some time to yourself, or maybe they just didn't understand. If you want your son to continue going to this playgroup, just call them and talk to them. Otherwise, maybe it is time to find anyother playgroup. Death, esp suicide, can really make people uncomfortable.
4. i can't answer that for you. you just have to get through it, and think of your son. It will get easier, everyday.
I am sooo sorry for your loss.

Oh my I am so sorry for your tragic loss. You have many emotions pouring through your heart right now. I would like to ask if you have a church you attend? if not I can recommend one. There is the Family church in Chesterfield, The pastor is Jeff Perry. You see if you are angry with God dont' be. He did not do this. This was a choice of your husbands. yes it was a selfish choice however do we know what he was battling in his mind.
I would like to suggest group support for parents without spouses or search the web and see what is out there to fit
your situation. I think your hurt more than fustrated. I really encourage you to do something now. because sometimes we go through statges when dealing with such issues. Anger may come later. And you need help before you get there. Please call the church and ask for some guidance and support. Email me if you want and I will be happy to talk to you. I cant imagine anyone shunning you. Maybe they do not have the right words and are fearful to cause you more pain. What ever the reason it is wrong. You need support and commpassion right now and I am here for you. I lost my Mom the day after thanksgiving what 7 weeks ago. They are not sure the cause of death she had surgery and then died. We are waiting the results of the autopsy. Listen My email address is ____@____.com. I am a mom of three grown adults and two grandkids. I am 52 and young at heart. I have had more tragic things happen than one can imagine. Believe me I may not have the answers but I can listen. Again you have a child to hold up for. This to shall pass and you will gain stregnth. you feel you may not ever get on or over things like this but we do. It comes from way deep inside your soul. Pull it out and Move forward. No it may not be easy and some days harder than others but through Grace and Faith we do manage to get on. good luck what ever you decide to do. God be with you and give you peace and guide your heart. A new friend M.