Step Son Suicide & I'm Pregnant

Get couples counseling NOW!! He needs to deal with this, speaking from experience, it will color every aspect of each childs life to come. He may need to be on anti depressants for a while, but go to therapy with him, Good luck!

V. I am so sorry to hear about your stepson and your husbands morning. The only advice I can give you is to have him talk to your pastor. I am not sure if you all are involved in a church or not, but if not I attend Christ Chapel Bible Church (Montgomery and I-30). We have a Soul Care Team that I truly belive could help him. I would imagine most churches have the same thing so look into it. I think this is all part of the process give him more time to heal a year is not that long when you consider this was his child. I don't know how long it will take, but hang in there things will get better. Congrats on the pregnancy maybe this is God's blessing to him to help him recover from the loss. Please know I will be praying for him and your family.

WOW, I really feel for you. My dad commited suicide 21 years ago and it still hurts. Suicide (for the survivor left behind) is the ultimate form of abandonment. It is almost impossible not to take it personally when some one you love dearly decides to leave you forever. (of course they are most often not thinking about that at the time but that is how it feels to you)

Its hard to wrap your brain around the idea that your loved one did not die of something "natural" (cancer, old age, even a car wreck you could sort of accept) but when they take their own life it can be too much and there is soo much guilt that comes with it.

I am sure your husband is going through the stages of grief and sometimes one reapeats a stage that one has already been through.

He really does need some sort of help, support, therapy...The BEST form of therapy (for any type of need) is to help other people. I would highly reccommend that he get on board with a suicide survivers support group and mostly become a suicide prevention volunteer. Just going through the process of becomming trained to volunteer helps you to understand your feelings better and you end up working out your own thought and issues as you help others with theirs. plus you learn you are not alone. I really feel that helping others with something you have been through is truly the best therapy. you learn to look at things from another perspective that maybe you have never considered before. a thought process that could change how you feel about everything and help you work it out in your own mind.

I suggest that you google some reading materiael, go to half price books and search the mental health section...
Tlak with your preacher.

Plant a special tree in your stepson's memory and have the family make a sepcial memorial plaque that serves as a marker you can make these cement stepstones and other shapes with a kit you can buy at craft stores.

Another key thing to my healing process has been TALKING... encourage your husband to TALK TALK TALK about his SON as much as he can... ask him to tell you stories about him and keep his memory alive. That is really the best way to honor him is to never forget him and honor his memory in your new family. Maybe offer to name the new babys middle name or just inital after him in his memory...

the grieving process really never completely goes away and it can take years but it really does get better and eventually you are at a place where you accept that the time you had with them is the blessing and yes you get sad sometimes still but understanding that they are never really gone if they are in your heart and mind and remain in your life as a friend and guide in spirit, really does release you from the grief, guilt and allowes you to truly move forward and live again.

Tell your husband you want to include his sons memory in raising your baby and have him help you make a scrap book of his son for his baby brother to have something to help him get to know his older brother...

I hope this helps. I wish you luck and love

A. J

This is a very difficult time for your husband. Usually your first child is the one you built the greatest bond with especially because you experience you ups and downs and learn everything together. I think for the time being you need to not be so concerned about how he will be with the baby and focus and being there with him 100%.
Of course when the baby comes he will love that child . He may be a little frightened to become completely attached because of what happened but with a death comes healing. And this new upcoming bundle of joy may just be what he needs.
Try and find some place else for him for counseling and suggest you go with him. Sometimes the reason people don't want to go back is because they are uncomfortable and feel lonely. Being there with him may help him feel more secure. Or the best solution is to find a place or a group of people that have experienced death or suicide so he can hear stories and tell his story and relate to others.
Reading a book or looking at a website does not bring him back. It does not take away the pain.
Letting him know you are there for him is the best healing process for him. Good luck!

I had a very good friend commit suicide a few years ago and it was very difficult for me to deal with. My boss/mentor at the time recommended a book that really helped me get through it. She had a relative who committed suicide and the book really helped her, too. The book emphasized that depression that leads to suicide is an illness. The person you knew wasn't alive any more in the person who took their own life. The author recommended looking at suicide like any other illness - like cancer or other fatal disease - because that's exactly what it is. Unfortunately, I am blanking on the name and author of the book, but maybe you can ask at your local library or browse the suicide/depression section at the book store. I'm sure they have a collection of books on this topic.

Hi Vitoria,

My heart and my prayers go out to your husband and your family. I just posted the following advice to another request regarding depression, so please read below and share with your husband:)

I recommend an incredible book, titled Adaptogens: Herbs for Strength, Stamina, and Stress Relief by Winston and Maimes. It is fascinating. From the book "There is a category of herbs called adaptogens that help the human body adapt to stress, support normal metabolic processes, and restore balance. They increase the body's resistance to physical, biological, emotional, and environmental stressors and promote normal physiologic function".

"If we can improve our mental condition, we can improve our overall health. This is supported by recent studies that indicate that mental stress triggers changes in the immune system. People suffering from depression also have a higher risk of having heart disease, cancer, diabetes, and hormonal disorders".

"Adaptogens have a direct effect on nervous system health. They enhance mood and relieve stress. Many adaptogens have anxiolytic, antidepressant, and nervine effects".

The 10 most potent adaptogens on the earth, with the highest therapeutic properties available, are now delievered in a fast acting oral spray, called Tunguska Mist. Go to www.VitalHealth.TunguskaMist.com to learn more.

Tunguska Mist Relieve will help reduce the negative effects of stress on your body (weakened immune system, decreased energy, mood swings, short temper, anxiety, depression, and fatigue), and help restore balance, or homeostasis. Holy Basil Extract is one of the key ingredients in Relieve (an 11th adaptogen) that acts as an antidepressant. The adaptogens in Tunguska Mist also help to regulate the use of cortisol, allowing the body to maintain a healthy stress response.

Tunguska Mist tastes great and with the intra-oral spray you get over 90% of the nutrients absorbed immediately, which go to work within seconds.

Please let me know if you have any questions. My husband and I have been using adaptogens for a long time. We are passionate about helping people reduce the damaging effects of stress on the body and restoring balance naturally, without medications. Good luck and God Bless:)

Best regards,
N.

I am so sorry about your husbands son. I had a teacher who lost a child. Her husband and her had a terrilbe time with it. I did not know them well. But I decided to buy a book in regards to grieving for a child. I really do not remember the name. She felt unconfortable taking it from me, but i expressed to her that I hoped it could provide some answers. She wrote me a letter months later thanking me for giving her this book. Her and her husband felt that they could pick it up at any time and read it and not have to express their feeling to anyone else. Just realize that what they were feeling was ok.

When my mother died I read the book Motherless Daughters. What it made me realize that it was ok to be experiencing some of the feelings I had of anger even though she lived until she was 72, I felt i was robbed of many more years. she never saw her grandkids or was able to walk me down the aisle. I went through many emotions and realized they were what I needed to move forward. It was nice not always having to share my feeling with others because really if we have not been there the only thing we can do is provide the love and support. It is hard to really identify what the grieving person is feeling. When I read the book I did not have to share my feeling with anyone but me. And in the end I knew that it was ok to feel the way I did. It was the process that I needed to go through to feel alive again.

I hope this can provide you with some help.
Sally

V.,
First, I am so sorry your family is having to go through this. My 18 yr old daughter was murdered last June. I have not been able to do the one-on-one counseling either. There is a Compassionate Friends group that meets once a month (2nd Tues) in Richland Hills. I have heard wonderful things about The Warm Place in Ft Worth for children. What has helped me the most is a couple of online support groups for child loss. One is http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/TheAngelConnection/. It is for parents, mothers and fathers. The second is http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/AngelMoms2/. This one is for Mom's only (biological, step or foster). Even though it is just for Mom's, you might find a lot of help in ways to help your husband and family. Nobody is professional in the group. It is just made up of others going through the same things, that understand. Nobody is asked to be "active", it is ok to just sit back and read what others are saying. There are many other online groups, some for just for suicide. If you go to yahoo.com and click groups you can search for them.
My email address is ____@____.com there is anything else I can help with, feel free to email me.

C. - Mom to Heather 1989 - 2007

First off all, I am very sorry for your loss of your loved one.But the best advice I can give your family is to seek spiritual healing and guidance.Once you comprehend God's love,peace and joy to get through the situation your husband will heal and embrace the gifts he has as a father to all his children,including your unborn child,and slowely heal.The book I recommend is "The Man God Uses", by brothers Henry and Tom Blackberry.It's a start and it will cover every aspect to a man's life and where he could and should be spiritually.A encounter with God is something we can all experience if we just surrender and stop blamimg ourselves and ask God to lay the foundation for us.God bless you and your family to heal and have new beginings as you prepare for the new addition to the family!!

He may need to find another counselor if he's not connecting with the current one. I've lost several people in my life to suicide and it never gets easier. He will always wonder what he missed that could have prevented it from happening. I can't imagine losing a child this way. It will just take time. Best of luck!

My step-son died in a car accident when my daughter was a baby. It helped my husband to go to Compassionate Friends - this group is specifically for parents. Frankly, they suffer a greater loss than other groups and don't feel understood in a general grief group. I've gotten him various books. The only one he seemed to pay attention to was about a father who lost 2 sons - There Are No Words. I'm not sure he even read the whole thing. I also bought 90 Minutes in Heaven and he appreciated the chapter that described what heaven is like. I think it's helpful for you to read these things as well to understand what to expect and how to help. I thought Roses to Remember had some good advice. Sorry for the loss of your stepson. You and your husband will be comforted by your new baby.

Oh V., I am SO sorry about the loss of your stepson. The most difficult thing in the world is to lose a child and is something one never "gets over" completely. The grieving process can and usually does take years. It has only been a year so it is not surprising that your husband is still mourning. There is not a "one size fits all" when it comes to counseling and therapists. If your husband is not making progress with the one he is seeing now he should seek out another one. Mark Felber is a highly trained therapist who is outstanding at handling grief issues, even complicated ones. If your husband is willing to give him a call Mark's number is ###-###-####. I would also suggest that if your husband (and you) attend a support group for parents who have lost a child or children. They provide enormous comfort and support. You are all in my prayers.

Hi and (((((HUGS))))))))

I noticed you are from Austin and I looked online and there is a survivors of suicide group - for people who have lost a loved one to suicide - the # is ###-###-#### - here's the site where I found it:

http://www.ci.austin.tx.us/police/vic_phonelist.htm

Also, remember there are alot of.... not so good counselors out there......... I really would like to encourage him to try another and if that doesn't work try another and another......

Also have you heard of the website Cafemom? There is a group on there for loved ones who lost someone to suicide, here's the link:

http://www.cafemom.com/group/11299/

Also I browsed the responses and I do want to encourage you to try compassionate friends HOWEVER I really hope you can get involved in the survivors of suicide group. Losing someone to suicide is alot different than losing someone to a car accident, etc.